The-F-Word.org

The recent death of Polly Ann Williams struck a chord with a lot of people. Even now, months after her suicide, she remains among the top ten search words leading people here to this site and my eulogy to her remains one of the most visited entries since I began the site last January.

Polly, of course, was one of four women featured in Lauren Greenfield’s Emmy-nominated documentary Thin, which follows the womens’ experiences at the Renfrew Center, a residential facility for the treatment of eating disorders. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch the film, although I do have the book it is based on, but many people who have seen the documentary have shared here that they really empathized with Polly and felt a connection, even through television. Polly’s life - and even her death - has left a lasting imprint upon many people.

Polly’s sister commented on my eulogy post here, suggesting that though Polly suffered incredibly in the past year of her life, her family is comforted by her show of faith. One of Polly’s sisters, Staley, has continued to update readers of Polly’s old blog. In her post today, Staley shares some Bible verses the Williams’ family has found especially comforting. She writes:

Although our hearts miss her, we find ways to rejoice. She still touches so many people today. For that, we can rejoice. Polly is no longer in pain–for that, we can rejoice. Polly is finally free of the torcher of the ed. and the saddness, for that, we rejoice. Polly shared her life w/ us for 33 year, for that, we rejoice.

Faith can be a potent and powerful force, one with regenerative healing powers for both mind and body. And when I speak of faith, I don’t mean to always imply a god figure, although many do find comfort in God or Allah or Vishnu or Shiva. Faith can take many forms and while some may find solace in religion, others may choose to vest their faith in something more tangible. Personally, I credit Buddhism as one of the strongest forces leading me to recovery from my own eating disorder. Buddhism’s emphasis on self-analysis and introspect, combined with its insistence on the cultivation of the mind and body to be an instrument of goodwill encouraged me to examine what it is I truly believed in, to discover the inner me, and to treat my body as kindly and compassionately and I seek to treat others. I’m not Hindu, but I also found the Bhagavad Gita to be one of the most inspiring and beautiful things I’ve ever read, and I’m also fond of Khalil Gibran, whose writings I also classify as spiritual in nature. I hope Polly’s own faith provided some semblance of reassurance to her as she made her final decisions.

Polly’s family has made available commemorative bracelets in honor of Polly through the Gail R. Schoenbach Foundation for the Recovery and Elimination of Eating Disorders (F.R.E.E.D.) at a cost of $5. The non-profit organization provides financial support for individuals to seek out eating disorder treatment. To order or make a donation, visit here.

Has Polly’s life and death had an impact on you? Or, has your religious or spiritual faith helped you in eating disorder recovery or body size acceptance? Share your thoughts below.

Setting: An introductory philosophy class I had to take last spring to fulfill a degree requirement. I am surprised to see a guy I knew from childhood take the seat next to me. We start talking about how being in our late 20s feels old on a college campus of coeds born in the age of Madonna. “When were you born,” he asked. I sighed dramatically. “I was born in the decade of Watergate.” A blonde girl with a great tan sitting next to us overheard our conversation. “So, when’s that?” she asked, popping her gum.

—————————-

I submitted an editorial to my university’s student newspaper last month to coincide with Body Acceptance Week on the glamorization of eating disorders in mainstream media. They never responded, so I checked the paper to see if they ever printed it. In lieu of my article, they printed a piece written by a well-intentioned student, I’m sure, on why “scrawny boys” should not wear muscle t-shirts. I sent an email off to my old journalism professor: “Am I THAT old and out of touch with the student body?”

—————————-

Conversation last night between my husband and I while watching college Jeopardy!:

Me: “I’m technically a student; I should totally go on college Jeopardy.”

Brandon: “No, I think they have an age limit.”

—————————-

Today I am a guest panelist at a Women in Journalism conference sponsored by my alma mater. I step out at lunchtime to see the campus green transformed into a glittering college festive playground, with girls in bikinis and guys in trunks splashing in water despite the chilly temps and kids bouncing on moonwalks and doing some weird kind of spasmodic contractions to a cacophony they call music. Co-sponsors of the event? Hooters and Trojan condoms.

—————————-

I feel old, but then again, I’ve felt old for quite some time. This is why turning 29 and even the looming prospect of 30 doesn’t bother me. In fact, I see birthdays not as a milestones passed, but as a chance to reflect on where we’ve been and where we’re headed. As I look over the past decade, I’m incredibly proud and a bit awed at the personal transformations within myself and at what I have achieved and I’m excited at what the next 10 years will bring.

A decade ago saw me moving out of my parent’s house and into my first apartment. I’ve been financially independent since and even now after marrying my husband. We own our home and try to live sustainable and cruelty-free lives. I’ve voted in every major election and supported local organizations doing great things. I managed to complete two degrees with honors, all the while attending classes full-time and in the summers and working a professional, full-time job. I’ve achieved great professional success and my career brings me great personal fulfillment and allows me to pursue my passions. I have cast off the shackles imposed on me by my family and their gendered, racist, homophobic belief systems to become someone who tries to recognize and eschew discrimination and oppression of any form. I struggled with an eating disorder, but have overcome it and in the process, come to know both myself and what I stand for.

So, today I plan on finishing this conference, going home and changing into my comfy sweats and relaxing with my husband, my kitties and a big piece of chocolate birthday cake and some Cherry Garcia. After all, I’ve got a busy decade ahead of me.

I rarely shopped at Wild Oats, but after Whole Foods bought the chain out, I’ve been finding new reasons to fall in love with the new store with each and every shopping trip. Lower prices tops the list, but it’s their hot and cold bars that make me swoon. My husband and I are vegetarian, but we’re bad vegetarians. I am not down with tofu; I am not seitan savvy; I cannot make brilliant bulgar-based meals; I do not even know how to pronounce quinoa. And my inability to follow even the most simplest of directions precludes any possibility of following recipes for such fabulous meals. I also do not keep track if I am getting enough protein or calcium or any of those other nutrients my mother still anxiously asks when I politely decline her breakfast casserole surprise.

I say this to preface why it is seeing vegan General Tso’s chicken on Whole Foods’ deli bar sent me squealing in delight, dropping my bags and speed dialing my husband.

Read the rest of this entry »

I do not often discuss my own personal dietary choices here, although I may discuss them on other sites in which I feel they are welcomed and appropriate. The reasons why are primarily twofold: Many readers here are actively battling with or recovering from dysfunctional relationships with food and I respect their struggles. My consistent platform has always been and will always remain that food itself is irrelevant; it is rather our relationships with food that are key. In that sense, what I had for dinner last night is moot.

My personal dietary choices are also informed by influences and beliefs that are unique and personal to me. I became vegetarian initially as a reaction to my eating disorder, but later became a committed vegetarian out of moral and ethical concern for animals and the environment, as well as the desire to live a cruelty-free lifestyle. I also identify as Buddhist, and because of my spiritual beliefs, I do not eat meat, drink alcohol or imbibe other drugs, and I try to do things that I feel do not harm other people, creatures or the environment. Because of this and other health concerns, I try to eat organic when I can afford to do so and I eat minimal processed foods. I also try to patronize businesses whose views are best aligned to my own and I donate support, both financial and otherwise, to organizations I feel promote causes I also believe in.

My spiritual beliefs, as well as my political, environmental and feminist ethos, are my own personal choices. Just as I hope others will respect my right to make choices that are right for me, I also hope I respect the rights of others to make choices they feel are best for them. This is why I do not include vegetarianism or alcohol abstinence or eco-consciousness as part of my fat rights or eating disorders awareness activist platforms and I think I have been largely successful in doing so.

Read the rest of this entry »

Recent events have made me feel down, prompting even the husband to ask if I’ve been taking my “crazy pills.” It’s always difficult to find that which you’ve invested so much passion and dedication to has been all but an illusion and it’s also difficult to realize those who you called friends are anything but. My graduate seminar this quarter has also been a real cause for stress, compounded by the fact that arrival of spring and overflowing gardens and nurseries and flowers! have all but destroyed any sense of focus I once had.

But there are those serendipitous things that find me nonetheless to remind me the entire universe is not aligned against me. First, there are posts like this one at the blog Pregnant Drug-Dealing Prostitutes - which totally wins the unique blog name award - that both made me giggle and reassures me the entire world hasn’t gone fatphobic, too. And nothing beats finding a folded up $100 dollar bill in your bed of irises (See honey? Gardening does pay off).

But perhaps the most cheery highlight came last night… Read the rest of this entry »

Second-grade was my year. It was the year before I became fat, before I even developed a self-consciousness of fat. My mom was the cool room mother all the other kids wished they had. I had a crush on Robby Campbell with his flame-red hair, and I think he liked me, too. I was part of the second-grade in crowd – the club of pretty girls who played Kiss and Catch with the club of pretty boys on the playground at recess and braided each other’s hair during class movie time. I sat next to Jenny, the club’s unofficial head pretty girl, on the bus.

I was accepted; I was one of the pretty girls.

Then I became friends with Shannon Carpenter. Read the rest of this entry »

This originally arose as a comment to the discussion over at Shapely Prose on the recent study which claims you cannot be fat and fit. There’s another dedicated discussion on the subject at Feed Me!. I decided to repost my comments here, too.

The study in question, of course, is this one referenced in this AP story or read the official study here. The study followed some 39,000 women with an average age of 54 over a period of 11 years, tracking their weight, physical activity, and incidence of heart disease. The study concluded that overweight active women had a 54 percent higher risk and obese women an 87 percent higher risk for developing heart disease. By contrast, overweight inactive women had a 88 percent higher risk and obese inactive women a 21/2 times greater risk for developing heart disease.

In other words, according to these researchers, weight trumps physical activity in the development of heart disease.

Read the rest of this entry »

The belief that upward social mobility in the United States can be achieved with mere hard work and determination has existed almost as long as the country itself. America’s Protestant worth ethic has been encapsulated by people like Horatio Alger, who wrote a series of stories involving poor young men who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to achieve great success.

Weight-based discrimination is rampant today because of our culturally ingrained stereotypes of fatness and fat people. Fat people, it is assumed, are fat due to “lifestyle choices,” that being a willful overeating of “bad” foods and sedentary lifestyle. So-called obesity-related diseases are viewed to be a drain on our national economy, as they decrease work productivity and increase health care costs. And because of the conflation of fat with overconsumption, those rapacious fat people are also thought to represent a threat to the environment and the security of the nation state itself.

The world collectively sighs as it wonders why fat people won’t just practice dietary restraint, eat healthier foods, exercise and pay scads of money for diet programs, even if such programs have been shown to be largely ineffective. Why, oh why can’t and won’t fat people pull themselves up by their bootstraps to become thin, socially acceptable, and responsible citizens?

Maybe it’s because fatness isn’t always caused by inactivity and a scarfing down of Twinkies. As anyone who has struggled with weight will attest, weight loss and gain aren’t always simple matters of “choice.” Here are some physiological reasons why some people are fat:

Read the rest of this entry »

About a year of so before I began the diet that would turn into an eating disorder, I took the introductory Wilton cake decorating classes at a local crafts store. I have never been particularly domestic, but the idea of cake decorating really appealed to my artistic side. With visions of iced roses and candy clowns, I spent a small fortune buying nearly the entire line of Wilton products, much to the delight of the overly enthusiastic Wilton instructor.

After I developed the eating disorder, I shoved all my icing tips and cake pans in the furthermost reaches of my pantry, determined to never again tempt myself with the oddly enticing mixture of Crisco and powdered sugar. When I moved apartments, I donated everything to a local charity.

This was a profoundly stupid decision.

Thanks to my morbid obsession with Ace of Cakes and the challenge shows on HGTV, I decided last summer to get back into cake decorating, namely so that I could make and design my own wedding cake. I had to spend another small fortune rebuying everything I once had and gave away, but it was worth it.

So, anecdote aside, here’s a few photos of a couple baby shower cakes I decorated for a coworker last month and forgot to post. I like cake decorating, but I don’t think I am too terribly skilled at it. I’m not patient enough to read the books and learn the techniques, and cleaning up my kitchen afterward is like cleaning the Aegean stables. But for being my second attempt working with fondant – homemade marshmallow fondant at that – I think the cakes turned out pretty fabulous. Most importantly, they tasted good, too.

Edit: I totally forgot! Duff was literally 5 minutes away from my house on Saturday to promote the aquarium’’s new exhibit! He made a four-foot cake that looked like Sweet Pea, the aquarium’s shark. I’ve had it on my mental backburner for a month and I can’t believe I totally forgot!

My university’s wellness center is celebrating this week as Body Acceptance Week. While perusing the center’s website, I happened across its Dimensions of Wellness. I’ve always insisted mental health ought be considered in our perception of health and wellness, but the center includes other aspects that I and too many others may not - but should - factor into our perceptions of health.

The wellness center defines health sixfold: physical, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and occupational. Of these, it’s the last one, occupational, I want to discuss here.

Read the rest of this entry »