It has been months since I’ve posted, and I apologize. I’ve been ridiculously busy… first it was school, then graduation, working two jobs, doing proposal edits for my agent, and now I finally have a minute to breathe. I have so many posts in my head, so I guess I’ll start with my personal life and recovery. About six months ago, my partner decided (operative word) that she was going to become spiritually enlightened through Buddhism. I couldn’t have been more happy. Through this process, she has drastically cut out unhealthy food from her diet, essentially cleansing her mind, body, and soul. She has been a long-time sufferer of IBS, so she had a reason to change her nutritional regimen. Since she made the decision to change her eating, she has never looked back. Of course, this has caused her to lose quite a bit of weight, and she was already thin.
Enter my insanity.
As an ED in recovery, I, naturally, think that this can’t be good. My thoughts race. She’s be in denial. She doesn’t realize she’s doing this on purpose. She really wants to lose more. She must have an eating disorder. So, I allude to her that she’s becoming anorexic and she gets offended. Okay so that’s my first clue that she does not have an ED. Moreover, she tells me that most people who tell her she’s too thin are people who only wish they could eat as healthily as she.
Enter my reality.
She is right. I was completely jealous. After struggling for years with the ED, then struggling with mental obsession (although it has lessened) in recovery, I was dumbfounded how, in one swoop, she just decided to completely change her life. Just how is it that one can evolve so quickly? While she is not in a recovery program, her behaviors seem to mimic the 3rd step of all 12-step programs… Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. I’m no longer a 12-stepper, but the third step just keeps popping up in my brain. Another phrase embedded in my brain from “the rooms” was that we had a god-sized hole that we were trying to fill up with food, alcohol, people, etc.
What I’m learning is that god-sized holes aren’t just for addicts, and my partner has shown me that many spiritual solutions exist outside the rooms of AA/OA–no matter how much people in the rooms tell you otherwise. Second, another major difference between my partner and I (besides being separate people, lol) is I’m the one with the eating disorder. Solely losing weight does not make for an eating disorder–a symptom of an ED, yes. But, as we all know, EDs are full of biopsychosocial/spiritual complexities, and considered a disease by most medical professionals.
I still have food patterns that bother me… though, it’s my perfection and ED voice that are most bothered by them. By non-ED standards, my food intake is healthy. So, because I have this “disease” hanging over my head, does that mean I cannot make a decision and evolve overnight? It certainly makes me wonder. I haven’t been able to do it so far, so probably not. As “normal” as I try to be and free myself from the ED identity, it seems to always be hangin’ around in some form or another. I remember in treatment professionals telling me that as many years as one is in the ED it takes an equal amount of time in recovery to undo the ED mindset. So, I have about a decade to go I guess! Something to look forward to, lol.
Anyway, that’s all for now!
More posts are on the way!!