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I cannot go through this again
I cannot go through this again
I cannot go through this again
I cannot go through this again…

The words fade and give way to a synthetic drizzle of the melody, piano following along in the background. Together, they create the calm static of a dreamlike state, where all is zen. You’re floating oh-so-comfortably…

…and then, without warning, the rest of the band hits the ground running with its assault of drums, guitars and more synth. You are suddenly shattered back to chaotic reality.

“A-with a-teeth-a,” Trent Reznor sings with a venegance only he fully understands. I picture him literally biting the object of his passion and ripping it to shreds with the intensity of emotion matched in his voice.

She will not let you go
Keeps on and on
She will not let you go
Keeps on and on
This time, I’m not coming back
(she will not let you go)
-Nine Inch Nails, With Teeth

If I ever needed a song that described my emotions during the first year of my recovery, it was this one. Put simply, I was a mess. My state of mind changed rapidly from “I’ll never purge/starve/put my body through this shit again” to chaos and self-destruction. I never knew what would flip my emotions upside-down, for better or worse; sometimes it depended on the hour, the minute, the anything.

Everything felt like punishment. If I ate, I felt disgusted with any feelings of satiety I might have given myself. If I didn’t eat, I knew I wasn’t doing what I was “supposed” to be doing as a part of recovery, and therefore I felt like crap about that as well. If I had it both ways and ate/purged, the emotions doubled in their intensity each way. No matter what I did, I couldn’t win. At least with the eating disorder, I knew what I could expect. In this mess called recovery, I still felt like a prisoner to my eating disorder, only now I was attempting escape, getting caught, and paying what seemed like even more brutal consequences than what I was dealing with before.

I hated everything. I hated myself for getting into this mess in the first place, for my lack of understanding the world – and myself – without an eating disorder. I hated gritting my teeth and moving forward with recovery, because dammit, it was hard, and I felt absolutely clueless about whether I was really getting better or if I was completely fooling myself (and everyone else). What if everything I knew was a complete farce? I felt alien in a world where everything should have felt familiar, but the rules had changed, and I no longer knew the rules. Once I thought I had them re-learned, there was always that one little exception where, of course, I screwed everything up. Or so it felt.

As much of an emotional roller-coaster 2005 was for me, I had two inspirations that guided me. The most important was my husband, Patrick, who I met in October 2005. He didn’t miraculously save me from my woes, as he can attest, but he helped me help myself by making me feel worthy of being saved. Even when in doubt, that kept me going in the years that have followed.

The other inspiration was With Teeth, the Nine Inch Nails album released in May that year. The timing and theme of this album couldn’t have come at any better time for me. After a four-year absence from releasing new music and touring, Reznor finally revealed his biggest project ever: putting himself back together.

A  near-fatal heroin overdose woke Reznor up; he realized he would lose himself to drug and alcohol addiction if he didn’t stop. He checked himself into rehab and endured a detox that “makes him shudder to this day.” He’s been sober since June 11, 2001.

Reznor warmed slowly to writing new music. He wasn’t sure if he had anything to say now that he was sober and questioned his future in the music industry altogether. However, a renewed clarity surfaced once the process began. Eventually the words came together and Reznor recorded With Teeth, the soundtrack to his journey of re-defining himself.

Learning that Trent Reznor, a musician whose music I had adored since the age of 13, had undergone his own process of recovery, sparked inspiration in me. It not only gave me a new appreciation for his music, but I also developed a deep sense of respect for him as a person – not just for surviving, but for speaking openly about his addictions and the journey back. It was exactly what I needed. He returned from his own private hell stronger than ever…and so could I.

I listened to With Teeth for about a year straight with little interruption from other music on my playlist. Every song resonates with some stage of recovery, from the confrontational “Don’t you fucking know what you are!” in the song You Know What You Are? to “What if everything around you isn’t quite as it seems?” in the ending track, Right Where It Belongs. In the same way that I identify with certain songs because I listened to them repeatedly when I was active in my eating disorder, this album became my recovery anthem. The title track, With Teeth, represents the turning point for when healthier days started outnumbering the disordered days. The album as a whole is not only Trent’s story of moving forward, but it became embedded into the soundtrack of my own story as I took a leap of faith and kept going myself.

How has music played a role in the course of your disorder and recovery?

In the spirit of NEDAW, Rachel thought it would be helpful if  our posts focused on supporting recovery goals–I completely agree.  When thinking about my personal recovery goals, one phrase keeps resonating… be gentle with yourself, this is a process. Being gentle with myself… for nearly my entire life, even in recovery, I have done quite the opposite.  Growing up as a dancer, it was ingrained early on to be extra critical of myself, as well as compare my strengths and (most importantly) my deficits to my classmates.  With regards to the eating disorder, anyone who has ED knows that it’s all about beating one’s self up and being unforgiving of anything less than perfection.

Being gentle with myself and realizing that this recovery bit is a process–just as getting into the ED was a process–made me think of the transtheoretical model of change.  As a social work grad student, I am fortunate to get to attend seminars, and for the last five weeks, I’ve been in a Motivational Interviewing seminar.  Motivational Interviewing is an evidence-based, client-centered therapeutic intervention for all types of psychopathology (especially addictions), that aims to help clients argue for their own change.  MI is based on the transtheoretical model of change, which include six stages: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse.

This model of change is so helpful for me as a recovering person, because it recognizes that if you were to draw a line of what the process of recovery looks like on a piece of paper, it isn’t one straight line of successes.  Rather, it’s more like a zigzag, where somedays you may be ready to take action, and other days your back at precontemplation, unable to see that there is actually a problem with certain behaviors or ways of thinking.  I came from what is now considered to be a clinically “old school” treatment center, in that recovery is based solely on abstinence–either you are in recovery or you aren’t, depending on how well you behave within their prescribed definition of recovery.

Today, I still don’t do things perfectly in recovery, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in recovery.  It means that it is a process and that I need to be gentle with myself.  I was engulfed by ED for nearly 17 years, and it just doesn’t disappear overnight.

The message for myself, and to you, is to recognize the growth you’re making in your recovery and don’t be so hard on yourself.  It is a process.

This month is Black History Month and this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and Stephanie Armstrong addresses both in an interview on “Saturday Mornings with Joy Keys,” an interactive, live Internet talk-radio show that focuses on “providing people with tools to enrich and advance their lives mentally, physically, monetarily and emotionally.”  Stephanie  is the author of the new memoir Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia, in which the now 40-something, recovered, married mother of one daughter and two stepdaughters documents her descent into bulimia in her early 20s and describes her struggles as a black woman with a disorder consistently portrayed as a white woman’s disease.  The Brooklyn native also examines the “bootylicous” black woman stereotype and why the black community’s “code of silence” often leaves black women with eating disorders suffering in silence.  The work is being hailed as the first book by and among black women about eating disorders.  You may remember that Stephanie also answered the-F-word’s questions a few months ago.

Guests included Stephanie and Laurie Vanderboom, program director for the National Eating Disorders Association, which sponsors and coordinates National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  A few interview highlights

Joy: What do you (NEDA) see when you have these programs?  Do you see a lot of African American women coming to the programs?

Laurie: We’re just beginning to and we’re just beginning to reach out.  There’s so much shame involved in an eating disorder that people hesitate to step up.  Stephanie, wouldn’t you agree that no matter what your racial make-up…

Stephanie: Absolutely, but especially coming from a culture that doesn’t support therapy, that doesn’t support getting outside help, and risking falling outside of the strong black woman archetype that we’re raised believing and have to become.  It’s hard to disassociate yourself with that image to get the help you need.

———————————-

Stephanie: One of the things I always talk about, especially in the black community, is that we don’t have an awareness of what exactly bulimia is.  It’s like you go to someone’s house and they’re drinking that dieter’s tea.  That’s bulimia.  Laxative abuse is bulimia.  Diuretic abuse is bulimia.  Compulsive exercising is bulimia.  It’s like we think it’s just throwing up, but it’s not just throwing up.

———————————-

Joy: I was talking with a professor of mine and he mentioned that psychologists don’t diagnose African American women properly with eating disorders, because they’re not used to seeing a African American woman coming to their office with this issue. Stephanie, do you feel that that’s the case?

Stephanie: Absolutely. Absolutely. I am constantly talking to women — some who are therapists, some who are young — who are constantly misdiagnosed. I’ve had doctors say, ‘Oh, you don’t have an eating disorder. African Americans don’t have eating disorders.’ I had a young woman call me yesterday – she goes to Clark Atlanta College and she’s at the American University in DC working on an exchange and she’s doing a paper in journalism and decided to do a paper on blacks and eating disorders because her aunt was bulimic and died from it. She calls me up and she said her teacher said, ‘Well, the problem is that there aren’t really that many black women with eating disorders, so that’s going to be a hard paper to do.’ It’s that overall belief that we don’t exist. (she briefly cites a rundown of research showing the prevalence of eating disorders among black women and girls, including this study) …the research is seeping in, but it’s still not getting the attention.

And it’s not just black women with eating disorders who are thought to be virtually non-existent.  Running Tiptoe recently posted a review of a recent “Intervention” episode featuring an Hispanic woman with an exercise addiction and a history of bulimia.  In her review, she offered this link to this 2006 study of “eating disturbances among Hispanic and native American youth,” in which it was found a much more significant pattern of disordered eating behaviors than previously thought.  There are more stats and studies on Hispanic women and eating disorders listed in this 2003 news report.*

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, eating disorders continue to persist in public opinion as a disease young, white girls from middle-class and wealthy backgrounds develop.  But eating disorders are the great equalizers: food is one of the few legal “drugs” out there; everyone needs it to survive;  and in industrialized nations, at least, is widely available and relatively cheap.  That, combined with the constant affirmations of weight loss as morally good and idolization of thinness saturating virtually every facet of our lives, and it’s no wonder that  those with emotional issues and unfulfilled needs might turn to food and the body to express a pain they cannot put into words.

Black girls and women with eating disorders.  Hispanic girls and women with eating disorders.  Adult women with eating disorders.  Boys and men with eating disorders.  Orthodox Jewish girls and women with eating disorders.  Poor girls and women with eating disorders.  We. All. Exist.

* For more information on eating disorders amongst non-white populations, see here.

This week marks National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW), and so we will be posting tools/resources/tips/personal stories and more this week in support of eating disorder recovery.  To kick the week off, how about checking out and joining these supportive Facebook groups (because isn’t everyone and your grandma on Facebook?).

• Letters to My Body: Fostering body kindness and promoting stronger self-esteem; One letter at a time (check out the project’s website to read letters from others).

• 5 Resolutions to Transform the Fashion and Beauty Industries: Founded by model Magali Amadei and writer Claire Mysko, 5 Resolutions (http://5resolutions.blogspot.com) is a network for anyone who believes in promoting healthy beauty and fashion.

• Eating Disorders Coalition for Research, Policy & Action: The Eating Disorders Coalition for Research, Policy & Action promotes the recognition of eating disorders as a policy concern. This Facebook group was created so that people will know that there is hope. It is for everyone who is alarmed by the prominence and danger of eating disorders, but is unaware of what can be done to change it. We can ask our government to help create actual policies that will translate into advancing the goal of eating disorder prevention and recovery…

• Blogging for [ED] Awareness & Recovery: A group of bloggers that write specifically about eating disorders, whether a loved one has been diagnosed or you have been yourself.  This group is *NOT* for pro-ed blogs! These are strictly recovery and awareness-minded bloggers!

• I’m making fat socially acceptable and I’m not sorry:  This is a fat acceptance group. This group is for people who one day stumbled upon the truth that fat is not as bad as it is made out to be. In fact, most of the time fat isn’t bad at all – and even in the cases where it is (where is causes mobility or other issues) it isn’t being treated properly, and fat hatred is only hurting the issue…

• Dear Eating Disorder,: This is a group for those of us who suffer from an eating disorder can come and write a letter to let ED know exactly what we think of it. Whether you are recovering or recovered. Whether you are struggeling or in a good place. Whether the Eating Disorder is runining your life or the life of a friends or family members its time it should know. Tell your Eating Disorder your thoughts and feelings about it. Breakup with the Eating Disorder if you want!!!

• Start a Revolution.  Stop hating your body.: is an attempt to raise awareness about the vast array of problems that stem from body consciousness and lack of esteem including, but not limited to: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, body dysmorphic disorder, binge eating disorder, depression, and general dissatisfaction. Furthermore we acknowledge that society today has constructed a multi-billion dollar industry designed to perpetuate the desire for unattainable beauty while capitalizing on products for self-improvement. Our mission is to end corporate dominance over body esteem.

• Men Get Eating Disorders, Too: is a web and publicity campaign that aims to raise awareness of male eating disorders to enable men to get support. The site provides essential information and advice, links to support and a message board.

• Academy for Eating Disorders: The AED is a leading global professional association committed to promoting innovative eating disorders research,education, treatment and prevention.

• Eating Disorders Anonymous: For those with eating disorders looking for support OR someone with a loved one suffering and needing advice as to what to do OR supporting friends with eating disorders OR wanting to know more about eating disorders and their danger [this group’s content is public, so be forewarned that it’s not exactly “anonymous,” per se).

And, of course, be sure to join The-F-Word’s Facebook page, as well as friends of the blog: Big Fat Deal and Feed Me!. Know of any other great Facebook or MySpace groups? Give them a shout out in the comments below!

I was on a furlough last week and barely touched my computer in the 9 total glorious days I didn’t have to punch a timecard.  I know Charlynn and Greta are both also crazy busy, so please excuse our appalling lack of updates as of late.  Someone on an eating disorder support forum I am a member of started a thread a couple of weeks ago explaining that she was in recovery and asking for affirmations or reminders from others of why she should persevere in her therapy goals on those days when recovery seems as far off as peace in the Middle East.  For me, at least, the positives of recovery are so many that I scarcely know where to begin.  Not constantly worrying that my heart will two-step out of my chest?  Awesome.  Being able to attend social functions that involve food with family and friends?  Marvelous.  Reading books and magazines that have absolutely nothing to do with nutrition and fitness?  Fantastic.  Not predetermining if I will have a “good” or “bad” day based on the number on my digital scale?  Wonderful.  Indulging in a Cadbury egg without a side helping of guilt?  Incredible.    Catching a glimpse of my reflection in a storefront window and thinking, “You look cute today”?  Revolutionary.

But perhaps the freedom I most love about recovery is that I can finally get shit done.  This last furlough week alone I managed to completely reorganize my home office, including sorting through years of personal papers, tax records, and bills (a major undertaking); read two books from my towering stack of books to read; cleaned the house and shampooed the carpets; enjoyed three Netflix movies with the hubby; slept in every morning; experimented with several new recipes; worked on a freelance web design job; researched local history; color-coordinated my closet (yes, really!) and picked through items to donate to charity; evaluated several paint samples for the (cathedral) living room wall; and managed to beat the Deatheaters in the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince game on PS3, among others.  Whew!

During my eating disorder days, I was a full-time undergrad student and also worked full-time for the most part.  School always provided me with a strong support system, so while I did manage to make the Dean’s list each and every quarter of those dark days, the only other “accomplishment” I can boast of from that time is this: I got skinny.   Oh, I also managed to develop a lifelong heart condition, became severely depressed to the point of being suicidal, alienated family and friends, racked up lots of medical debt and nearly destroyed my credit, got fired from my job, and nearly went insane…  but, hey, at least I got skinny!

Whoop-di-fucking-doo.

I can honestly state, without a nanosecond of reservation or hesitation, that choosing recovery has been one of the most rewarding and constructive decisions of my entire life.  Sure, it was a long and arduous journey that often left me emotionally raw, bruised and exposed, but after reaching the recovery crossroads and choosing the path towards the light, my life has been so much better and enriched for it.  Good things, it seems, continue to fall my way.  Since making that crucial decision to embark towards recovery, I went on to be the speaker at my college graduation; met and then married the man I love; landed my semi-dream job; successfully completed my graduate studies; started this blog and am now working on a book project — none of which would have happened had I still been in the throes of my eating disorder.   That’s because when I was actively eating disordered, the vast majority of my waking thoughts centered on achieving one primary goal: losing weight.  Nothing else mattered.  I tallied and re-tallied calorie counts in my head, worked on perfecting an ironclad willpower even as I obsessed more and more about food, spent hours at the gym, devoured information in print and online on the myriad and complex methods in self-erasure…  Now I choose to dedicate that precious time instead to passions other than self-flagellation, such as photography and design, volunteerism, spending quality time with friends and family, academic and personal interest research, reading and learning, my job and causes…  just to name a few (I have ADD, so the list goes on and on and on).

I am not just eating disorder-recovered; I have recovered my life.

How about you?  If you’re still struggling with disordered behaviors, how have they affected your life from the life you once knew?  If you’re recovered/recovering, what kinds of things are you able to do now that your disorder prevented you from doing before?

A new study of 1,000 American girls between the ages of 13-17 by the Girl Scouts finds that 9 out of 10 girls say they feel pressure from the media and/or fashion industry to be skinny.  More than 80 percent of the girls polled said they’d rather see natural photos of models than digitally enhanced or altered photos.

Specialists calculate life expectancy for people with anorexia to be 25 years shorter than average.  Patients who recover however, may expect full lifespans.

A Chicago mom and grandmother shares her story of finally overcoming anorexia after 25 years of battling the disorder.

Remember the mental health parity law that passed in 2008? The The U.S. Departments of Health and Human Services, Labor and the Treasury jointly issued new rules this week governing the law.

The Website Realself.com tracked cosmetic surgery trends by region and even city with some surprising results.

New “groundbreaking” study shows abnormal brain function in people with body dysmorphic disorder.

Eve Ensler: Girl power can save the world.

The New York Times reviews Michael Pollan’s new book, “Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual.”

An Examined Life will continue this week, but I wanted to bring to your attention a very important matter with political implications for all Americans.  Last week the Supreme Court effectively deregulated the American electoral process by striking down a century-old ban against corporate spending directly on political campaigns in federal elections.  With that 5-4 decision, the court, in essence, has transformed the highest offices of the land into an auction to be controlled by the likes of Exxon, Big Pharma and Wal-Mart.  The ramifications of the decision cannot be overstated.  As the New York Times sums up in its excellent editorial:

As a result of Thursday’s ruling, corporations have been unleashed from the longstanding ban against their spending directly on political campaigns and will be free to spend as much money as they want to elect and defeat candidates. If a member of Congress tries to stand up to a wealthy special interest, its lobbyists can credibly threaten: We’ll spend whatever it takes to defeat you.

…The majority is deeply wrong on the law. Most wrongheaded of all is its insistence that corporations are just like people and entitled to the same First Amendment rights. It is an odd claim since companies are creations of the state that exist to make money. They are given special privileges, including different tax rates, to do just that. It was a fundamental misreading of the Constitution to say that these artificial legal constructs have the same right to spend money on politics as ordinary Americans have to speak out in support of a candidate.

This decision touches upon nearly every facet of Americans’ lives, but in particular for readers here, it has the potential to affect causes near and dear to our hearts.  A quick rundown of what may loom in the near future:

• Corporations like Johnson & Johnson, who have huge and multiple stakes in the weight-loss industry, have long fought to fight to have obesity classified as a disease, for if obesity is a disease or a mental illness, government and private insurance will be forced to cover products and treatments for its treatment.  Groups like the American Obesity Association–which is supported by the pharmaceutical industry and commercial diet-mongers like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig and also advocates obesity to be classified as a disease–have gone so far as to argue for “fat taxes” to be leveraged against fat Americans.  In 2008, Johnson & Johnson alone posted annual sales of $63.7 billion.  If the company directed less than 3 percent of those earnings to political lobbying, they will have spent more than the combined 2008 presidential campaigns of Barack Obama and John McCain — which in itself was more than double the amount spent by both candidates in the 2004 election.* With the court’s overturn on corporate electoral spending, how long before corporate interests masquerading in doctor’s smocks are allowed to dictate treatments and taxes that support only their bottom line ?

• Proposals have already been made to develop and adopt national standards for company-run “wellness plans” with tax incentives and credits given to companies based on whether or not their employees meet “wellness objectives” such as weight, blood pressure, blood sugar levels and other arbitrary levels of health as defined by people with no otherwise right to peek into your medical file.  Corporations, of course, like this proposal because it offers them a relatively inexpensive return on investment — simply adopt a government approved wellness plan and then either not hire or fire those employees who don’t meet the new government health standards.  With the court’s overturn on corporate electoral spending, how long before corporations lobby their candidates of choice to make this proposal the law of the land?
• Last year, Congress finally passed H.R. 1424, which among other things provides equity in the coverage of mental health and substance use disorders by ensuring that group health care plans do not charge higher co-payments, coinsurance, deductibles, and impose maximum out-of-pocket limits and lower day and visit limits (provided that they offer mental health coverage).  The bill is set to take effect this October.  With the court’s overturn on corporate electoral spending, how long before Big Health Insurance Corporations lobby Congress to enact laws and amendments that erode at this coverage

In response to the ruling, Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fl) has filed five campaign six campaign finance bills to secure the people’s “right to clean government.”   The bills have names like the Business Should Mind Its Own Business Act and the Corporate Propaganda Sunshine Act. The first slaps a 500 percent excise tax on corporate spending on elections, and the second mandates businesses to disclose their attempts to influence elections. More details are available on the congressman’s Web site.  Grayson’s also created an online petition to support these bills moving forward and becoming law.  I urge you to lend your support in rescuing democracy.

* The candidates spent a combined $1.7 billion in the 2008 U.S. presidential election, according to Bloomberg.

Continuing our series, “An Examined Life,” comes Katie’s story about her reluctant foray into recovery from anorexia and learning to reshape herself as someone other than the “sick, anorexic kid in the baggy clothes.”

Katie writes:

My eating disorder was not a conscious decision on my part. They hardly ever are, but I wanted to make that clear from the onset. Instead, it was like sitting in a bath while the temperature is slowly raised. Hardly noticeable at first, until you are being boiled alive.

It started in high school, when I was 14. I was a runner, mainly cross country, but also track. I wanted to be fast. I decided to eat right. I wasn’t trying to lose weight at first. Honest. We didn’t even have a scale in my house. But I started cutting down on what I ate and started running more and more.

My parents first saw the problem that spring, at the first track meet of the year. I had hid all winter in my uniform, my baggy running pants, my clothes from the 7th grade that still fit. But when I took off my sweats to run the first race of the season, my parents saw a problem.

That started a series of counseling sessions with many different therapists, appointments with the family doctor (whose advice was to eat more cheese), appointments with a nutritionist and finally, a stay at an eating disorder treatment center where they tube-feed me and I was told that God wanted me to eat.

I was not consulted on any of the above treatment. Read the rest of this entry »

Continuing our series, “An Examined Life,” comes Kate Le Page’s account of her recovery from anorexia.  Kate recently published her memoir, Goodbye Ana, and has set up an anorexia and depression recovery site at anorexiarecovery.webs.com.

Kate writes:

I am Kate, 31 and in recovery from anorexia. My experience of seeking treatment has taught me that often you have to fight the system and keep persisting until your voice is heard.

I first sought treatment for anorexia when I was in the early staged of the illness, aged 17, back in 1995. My family doctor weighed me and put me on a course of antidepressants. He told me that even Princess Diana had an eating disorder and implied that it was simply a phase. I felt like a fraud as I’d gone there hoping for help with my eating disorder and received nothing but medication.  Over a period of a year I saw my doctor monthly to be weighed and each time my medication was either increased or switched. Unsurprisingly, the medication had little or no impact on my illness. Eventually I was misdiagnosed again, this time with Chronic Fatigue and referred to a specialist who gave me yet more medication and put me on a graduated exercise programme to rebuild my strength. Looking back it is rather ironic that the very treatment of exercise was prescribed to an anorexic and years later my exercise addiction landed me in the EDU!

In 1997, whilst at university, I stopped eating and saw a doctor who decided the best thing for me to do was go back on medication. It wasn’t until 1998 that my doctor back home finally diagnosed me with anorexia. Even with this diagnosis I was unbelievably prescribed another medication which actually made me so wired that I completely lost what little appetite I had left and made me lose more weight.  I received counselling at university but this did not help much as she had very limited experience of the illness. My university doctor referred me to a nurse at the clinic for support (who i was supposed to see weekly) and the rather intimidating receptionist said that the earliest appointment was 6 weeks. I felt totally fed up and told her to leave it. Several month later I was referred to the local hospital’s Eating Disorder Service. Again, this was only a monthly 15 minute chat with a dietician so had virtually no impact on my illness.

Years went on and although by this point my eating disorder had become more severely entrenched I was very wary of seeking further treatment.

Read the rest of this entry »

I received an enthusiastic response to my call for eating disorder recovery stories.  These will all eventually be archived and made available once I complete the site redesign, but for now I’d like to spotlight them as part of a special series this week I’m calling “An Examined Life” (the title is inspired by the well known Socrates quote, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” which was first introduced to me by a wonderful friend influential in my own eating disorder recovery).  While many people resolve to transform their bodies each new year, I want to instead to focus on our minds and self-image.  Not only do I hope to show recovery is entirely within grasp for most people with an eating disorder (or disordered eating, poor body image, etc..), but also the different ways in which people from all shades of the disordered spectrum have gone about achieving it.   Our first story comes from an anonymous reader, who blogs at Spits at Mirrors, and struggled with bulimia.

Anonymous writes:

When I was a kid, Mary Lou Retton won a buncha gold medals in the 1984 Olympics and all my girlfriends and I becaume obsessed with gymnastics. When I was 7, my friend Katie and I took gymnastics together after schools. (This was by no means serious training, it was just once a week after school, the way other girls take ballet lessons when they are young.) I also read every book and magazine I could get my hands on about gymnastics, and saw the Nadia Commenici biopic when it came out.  This interest in gymnastics was when I first became consious of my weight, because the bios I read about the teenage girl Olympic gymnasts all mentioned their weights. These 14 year olds weighed the same amount that I did at age 7. I was not overweight, just your average-weight well-nourished American child. But I remember feeling bad about how much I weighed, because teenagers weighed as much as I did.

At one point Katie and I were playing on my swingset in the backyard, and we started talking about weight. Katie was shorter and had a smaller frame, so she weighed less than me by about 10 pounds, and I was very jealous. I think our fight turned ugly. Eventually my interest in gymnastics faded and was replaced by other things, like Sweet Valley High books (“Jessica and Elizabeth, the perfect size 6!”), music (I loved Madonna and Cyndi Lauper), and drawing comics. The next instance of weight awareness/self-hatred came when I was ten years old. I happened to be sitting in the living room with my family, and they were watching some PBS program about modern dance. I remember noticing how lithe the dancers were, and looking down at my own body and just seeing fat fat fat. That summer I went to camp, and while sitting down waiting my turn to play dodgeball, I looked at my thighs in shorts and thought to myself that they were spread out like slabs of fat on the chair.

Ever since then, I was convinced I was overweight and the conviction that I needed to “reduce” was with me.   Read the rest of this entry »