Open Topic: Talking to kids about fat comments

29th June 2010

Open Topic: Talking to kids about fat comments

posted in Body Image, Body Politic, Fat Bias, Rachel |

I’m back on my thyroid medication and feeling more like myself than I have in the past month I’ve been off it, so I hope to be back posting regularly soon. In the meantime, here’s an item for discussion. My brother- and sister-in-law and their children live in a city about an hour and a half from us (and have 6-month-old twin girls), so we don’t see them as often as I would like. We made the trip down on Sunday to celebrate my niece Klara’s seventh birthday; our previous trip was in April to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. On our last two visits, my niece has made three comments on my weight, specifically about how fat she thinks I am. On all three occasions I was caught off-guard and didn’t give as good of a response as I would have liked to give. The first time I think I said something like, “Yes, Klara, I am fat” and changed the subject. She made another comment later that night and I tried to explain to her that God made everyone different, like he made Uncle Brandon tall and Aunt Rachel short, and that we would be really boring if we all looked alike (the family are devout Christians). The last comment came during dinner on our latest visit. Klara suddenly grabbed the loose skin on my bicep and remarked that I wouldn’t be so fat if I didn’t have so much extra skin. Caught off-guard, I kind of stammered that “Yes, I lost weight too fast and my skin couldn’t keep up and that’s one of the reasons I am fat,” and changed the subject. * All three comments were unheard by her parents.

My BIL and SIL are very insistent on teaching their children good manners and both Klara and her brother are otherwise very polite children. Brandon and I both thought it odd that she would comment so much on my weight, so I sent her parents an email letting them know. Here’s part of what I wrote:

I don’t want Klara to grow up thinking that “fat” is a four-letter word — girls these days have enough issues with self-esteem and body image — but many people do consider it to be an inappropriate comment to lob at someone and I would hate for Klara to inadvertently insult someone in your church or at her school. I’m also concerned that Klara seems to hold a negative perception of fatness and fat people and I worry that that perception may color how she sees and relates to others and may influence her own sense of body image as she grows older. The prevailing cultural opinion seems to be that fat people just sit on the couch all day stuffing Twinkies down their throats, but genetics do not come in a one-size-fits-all sequence and people are fat for a variety of medical, physiological, socio-economic and emotional reasons. You two do an awesome job of trying to instill in your children respect for different races and people and basic etiquette, so I thought that I would bring this to your attention so that maybe you can have a discussion with Klara on how it is impolite to comment on the bodies of others and to respect that people come in different shapes and sizes.

I don’t have children (thankfully) and I can usually only take kids in small doses before they mentally and physically exhaust me, so my experience in how to relate and explain things to children in language they can understand is limited to say the least. I do think that it’s important to let Klara know that it isn’t appropriate to comment on the way someone looks or on their body, but I’m concerned that by shushing her, it will reinforce to Klara that being fat is Something Bad, which is also something I don’t want her to think. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain to a seven-year-old that being fat isn’t bad or something to be ashamed of, but at the same time that it isn’t polite to comment on someone’s body?

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 29th, 2010 at 2:42 pm and is filed under Body Image, Body Politic, Fat Bias, Rachel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

1 On June 29th, 2010, Jennifer said:

I think you did a great job describing God’s intentions for diversity to Klara. The problem is that, as you know, our society inundates us with negative imagery of anyone who isn’t emaciated. She is probably getting a lot of talk at school and in her social circles using fat as an insult or a joke…she may not grasp the impact yet but she needs constant reminders from her role models on how to truly perceive this issue, so kudos. Just keep doing what you are doing.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 3:05 pm

2 On June 29th, 2010, Olivia said:

As a mother of a 7 and 5 yr old, I can absolutely assure you that they are old enough 1) to accept your initial explanation that we’re all different and life would be boring otherwise and 2) comments about other people’s size, shape, color, clothes, hairstyle, etc. are inappropriate unless you are specifically asked to comment.

I thought your email was perfect, it was kind and reaffirming while letting the parents know what was going on. If the kid brings it up again, I would remind them that we had had this conversation already and that it’s not okay to blurt out whatever thought pops into their head.

BTW, having kids doesn’t always make you immune to the physical and mental exhaustion

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 3:13 pm

3 On June 29th, 2010, Jill said:

It sounds like you really tried to keep the situation calm and under control, so that Klara didn’t feel accused or get upset, which I think is really good. But I think, especially at age 7, she can handle being told that her words are hurtful and inappropriate–and should hear that. I don’t know if, to a 7-year-old, the natural progression from “God made all our bodies differently” to “it’s rude to comment on other people’s bodies” is clear. You might want to be more direct in saying, “It’s inappropriate to talk about other people’s bodies. It makes [me/people] feel uncomfortable and hurt.”

Kids at this age are still looking to adults to gauge situations and appropriate responses, so you shouldn’t be afraid to be visibly upset, or hurt, or angry, because it teaches them that this isn’t just an issue of, don’t put your elbows on the table, it’s an issue of people feeling comfortable, happy, and respected.

Being that she’s 7, it might also be useful to ask why she is so interested, or needs to know about your body. It might reveal that there’s something totally different she’s trying to ask or talk about, or it might provide you with the opportunity to talk to her about negative and false assumptions about fat people.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 3:46 pm

4 On June 29th, 2010, Naomi said:

That sounds pretty good, I hope someone would let me know if my kids made comments like that to them. My 5yr old came in to ask me something while I was taking a bath and he giggled and said “you look like a pig, mommy!”. We had recently went to the county fair and could see where he was coming from, in a way, so I was able to frame my response to him. I said “I know where you see similar things but most people don’t want to be told they look like pigs even if you think they do, I don’t like it either”. I don’t think he intended to insult me and I don’t think he had ever heard that term be used to insult fat people either.

Your responses to your neice were matter of fact and pretty perfect, satifying her curiosity in a respectful manner. Maybe she wants information and needs to know how to ask for it in a better way?

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 3:55 pm

5 On June 29th, 2010, Kate said:

Wow, I could have written this myself. I mean, the EXACT same thing has happened to me w/ my 5 year old niece. My brother and his wife are also very strong Christians and tend to be very uncomfortable with, and judgmental of anyone who dose not fit into their little mold of life (ie, fat people, gay people, non-christian people, women who who have opinions, etc) How did your BIL ans SIL respond to this email when you sent it to them? It’s a great letter, I was thinking of sending a similar one to my brother. However I can see my (uber fit, overly exercised, and somewhat health nazi-ish) brother and sister-in-law giving me some lip service and then continuing whatever it is they are doing (or not doing) to make their children perceive me this way. Still, I don’t think I can allow it to continue, if not for my nieces sake, then for mine. My ego just can’t take that many blows in one day.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

6 On June 29th, 2010, Lucy said:

I think you handled it very well. Your email was beautifully worded, and I’d be interested to hear their reaction & how they choose to handle it with their daughter.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 4:33 pm

7 On June 29th, 2010, Rachel said:

My BIL and SIL are big time Christians, but they have never struck me as being homophobic, sexist or intolerant of other people. They know that I am Buddhist and fortunately have never tried to convert me or even talk to me or Brandon, who’s agnostic, about religion at all. And while both my BIL and SIL are naturally thin, my mother-in-law has struggled with her weight for most of her adult life. My (also thin) husband grew up listening to my father-in-law criticize my MIL’s weight and watched her yo-yo diet and as a result, he is very sensitive to issues of weight. I can only assume that my BIL, who saw much the same, is also sensitive to these issues.

My SIL responded to my email and she was very apologetic and thanked me for the way I handled the situations (she and my BIL did not overhear the comments when they were made). She promised to have a talk with Klara about “what is appropriate to say to others and what is not.”

If this happens again, I think I will be more forward in admonishing Klara in that we don’t know how people will take comments like this, so we shouldn’t say them out loud. One of the problems is that even though I’m Klara’s aunt, I’m her aunt by marriage and I just don’t feel like it’s my place to correct or discipline her in any way. Add to this the fact that her parents are older than me, we don’t see them all that often and I have no kids of my own and I just feel uncomfortable acting as a disciplinarian.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 4:54 pm

8 On June 29th, 2010, Ashley Pariseau said:

I say you handled it the best you could have while being caught off guard. With things like this, one has to be careful about sticking their fingers in too deep because while some people may very well appreciate your email, other people may perceive it as unsolicited parenting advice and be offended. I’m not saying that’s what you did though.

I think it’s important to teach kids to not comment on weight, period. By that, I don’t mean just about fat bodies, but skinny bodies as well, along with short bodies and tall bodies, and all the other various of body types. That way, they won’t get that negative idea about fat.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 5:59 pm

9 On June 29th, 2010, J.S. said:

Rachel, “I” statements work well with kids, too, and are rarely perceived as disciplinary even by the most overprotective parents (which it totally doesn’t sound like your BIL and wife are). You might try, “Klara, do you know that when you call me fat, I feel (embarrassed, mad, sad, whatever)?” She’ll probably say “no,” and you can say, “When someone talks about how other people look, it can hurt the other people’s feelings. That’s why it’s important, if you wonder why someone looks the way they do, that you should go ask mommy or daddy when you’re by yourselves. Then you get answers and the other person doesn’t have their feelings hurt.”

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 6:17 pm

10 On June 29th, 2010, Elizabeth said:

At this point, given the (very nice) response from her mother, I think you can now also respond with, “I know that your parents have talked to you about how it’s impolite to make comments about people’s bodies. I am your aunt and you need to be polite to me.” If you’re up to it, you can go on with, “I know that I am fat, and if you have questions about why or what it’s like to be fat, I will try to answer them, but only if you ask me in a nice way and listen to what I say,” but I certainly don’t think it’s compulsory for you to provide FA education if you don’t want to.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 8:05 pm

11 On June 29th, 2010, Lauren said:

The fact that the comments have those negative undertones means that she is certainly old enough to learn some manners. Whatever her perception of fat people is, she needs to be familiarized with the “if you don’t have anything nice to say rule…”.

It would be different if she were younger, or maybe just making an observation. I know that little kids tend to point things out, like “wow, he has a big nose!”, without knowing it’s impolite. And still, those kids don’t do it to insult, it means to same to them as saying “that car is red!”.

But your niece definitely needs to have a chat with her parents. Just because your family doesn’t mean such out of line comments are acceptable. And she needs to learn that fat does not equal bad.

posted on June 29th, 2010 at 11:44 pm

12 On June 30th, 2010, Barb said:

I think your responses to her and the e-mail were appropriate.

If her comments make you feel badly, it’s entirely fair for you to tell her so. A seven-year-old is capable of understanding feelings. She is also capable of understanding that outward appearance isn’t all (or even most!) of what matters about a person.

I wouldn’t worry too much about your role in the family- when it comes down to it, if you are acting from a place of compassion and concern, I don’t think you’re overstepping any bounds. It takes a village, and all that.

posted on June 30th, 2010 at 12:28 am

13 On June 30th, 2010, Jackie said:

I’m amazed the parents would allow their child to make such comments, and not discipline them for it. I never wanted to hurt someone as a child, in fact if I did hurt someone I was known to cry when they started crying, because I became so empathetic with their situation.

My dad really went out of his way to teach us, that there was no fun in harming someone just to get a quick laugh. He wouldn’t tolerate if my sister and I called each other names, although there was play fighting but nothing serious. So I don’t know, I kind of feel like, why aren’t the parents having a discussion about this. Since in my house, if something like this had happened, you better believe there would be a talking to about it.

posted on June 30th, 2010 at 2:12 am

14 On June 30th, 2010, SheWunders said:

It blows my mind that a 7 yr old doesn’t know this already. At 7 kids are already learning how to discriminate and insult others. Good job in calling this to the attention of her parents.

posted on June 30th, 2010 at 10:08 am

15 On June 30th, 2010, Willow said:

I think you handled the previous encounters with your niece in a very gentle, non-combative way, and I applaud you for that. I also think you did well in both the manner in which you let her parents in on the fun, and the fact that you did so at all.

If it happens again, then it is time to be a little less gentle with your niece and a little more firm. As other posters have said, she is old enough to deal with being informed that she’s stepped on someone’s toes. At some point, it isn’t worth handling her self-esteem with kid gloves when she keeps bringing up something that has caused you tremendous pain in the past. (I also don’t believe in coddling kids’ self-esteem at the expense of, oh, education and social skills, but that’s just me.)

Again, kudos to you for your reaction.

posted on June 30th, 2010 at 12:52 pm

16 On June 30th, 2010, Jackie said:

I really think the neice’s parents should step up, and be parents, and tell her that this is no different than saying “Look there’s a Black girl with funny braids!” or “Hey there’s a Mexican girl like Dora the Explorer!” It’s unbelivable how much of parenting fail it is, when the parents aren’t explaining the basics of empathy and humanity to their child at this age. Do they want to get a call from her school that she’s been bullying other children?

posted on June 30th, 2010 at 11:44 pm

17 On July 1st, 2010, Jane said:

I had a similar experience with my niece when she was 5. She very politely and timidly asked me if I eat a lot. We had just finished a meal and I thought she was asking if I had eaten a lot at that meal. She said, no, I was asking if you eat a lot everyday. I said, are you asking because I have a big tummy (I don’t know why I chose that wording), and she nodded yes. I said, yes, I do eat a lot. (Because I do.) She said, “my mommy (my sister) doesn’t have a big tummy.” I said, yes, that’s true. We look very different. All people are different. Some are short and some are tall, some are thin and some are fat. It’s okay that everybody looks different, don’t you think? She agreed.

I don’t know if I handled it the best way, but I do know this: Her question came from an innocent and sincere place. She was honestly curious about why I was different from her mother (and pretty much every other woman in her life). I wasn’t hurt by her question. If she had called me fat or said something in a derisive manner, I would have talked to her about the fact that it’s not generally a good idea to talk about other people’s bodies. But, in this case, I was glad she asked.

posted on July 1st, 2010 at 12:26 am

18 On July 1st, 2010, Lisa Sargese said:

It happened to me in my doctor’s office. His 4 or 5 year old daughter was there by the nurse’s station. She looked up at me and asked, “Why are you so fat??”
I looked down at her and asked,
“I dunno. Why are you so short??”

posted on July 1st, 2010 at 12:28 am

19 On July 1st, 2010, Gimcrackgirl said:

Great post – I’d just like to direct anyone interested in exploring this in other ways to the Female Impersonator blog. Lindsay over there is a teacher, and shared her experience of this under ‘Fat Acceptance for 4 year olds’

http://impersonated.blogspot.com/2009/12/fat-acceptance-for-4-year-olds.html

posted on July 1st, 2010 at 7:35 am

20 On July 1st, 2010, Filmi Girl said:

It’s hard to ignore the message of fat = bad when it is being shoved down our throats (so to speak) by the very people who are supposed to be looking after the welfare of children.

http://www.onpointradio.org/2010/07/childhood-obesity

Rather than talking about health or body acceptance, the panel of experts spends 45 minutes on how to make kids thin. My “favorite” part was when one of the experts dismisses eating disorders as something from the 1970s and insists that it is obesity that we need to worry about now.

These people are in the schools – I’d almost rather have soda.

posted on July 1st, 2010 at 4:12 pm

21 On July 3rd, 2010, Jackie said:

Jane, I think the situation with your neice was from a more innocent place. I think after Klara bringing up the issue more than once, her parents should have had a talk with her. The fact that she was so insistent, leads me to believe she learned from somewhere, that humilating fat people will make them want to be thinner. Even if she didn’t realize she was humiliating Rachel, her parents should have noticed and told her that’s not appropriate.

I really dislike parents who think everyone but them, should be helping to parent their kids. They usually are the first ones to chime in with “but it takes a village!” when someone suggests, that the world isn’t their daycare, and that just because someone is female, it doesn’t mean they’d be willing to be their emergency babysitter.

posted on July 3rd, 2010 at 3:46 am

22 On July 3rd, 2010, Crimson Wife said:

I was appalled and mortified by my then-6 y.o. loudly remarking that the lady in front of us at the grocery store checkout wouldn’t be so fat if she bought healthy food instead of all that junk. I gave her a lecture about not calling people names and minding one’s own business about other people’s purchases. I considered having my DD apologize but worried that might just make the lady even more uncomfortable.

I’m curious as to whether you all would want a stranger to make her child apologize for rude comments you overheard or whether that would make the situation even more embarrassing for you.

posted on July 3rd, 2010 at 5:25 pm

23 On July 3rd, 2010, Jackie said:

Crimson Wife, I don’t know about that woman, I would appreciate the apology if it was myself in that situation. I find so many parents are completely oblivious to their children’s behavior these days, and so willing to attack anyone who holds them responsible. I would find it a nice surprise, to see a parent willing to be accountable for their child’s actions.

posted on July 3rd, 2010 at 9:19 pm

24 On July 3rd, 2010, Kunoichi said:

“…are also very strong Christians and tend to be very uncomfortable with, and judgmental of anyone who dose not fit into their little mold of life (ie, fat people, gay people, non-christian people, women who who have opinions, etc) ”

As a Christian, I resent reading judgemental comments like this. Being a Christian does not = judgemental, homophobic, etc. There are plenty of non-religious people who are like this, but I don’t hear anyone saying, “Oh, so-and-so is a strong athiest, and tends to be judgemental of people who disagree with them,” even though I see it quite a bit more frequently than I do from my fellow Christians.

As for the 7 yr old, I agree that your handling of the situation is about as good as it can get when you’re blindsided by an unexpected comment. I also agree that a 7 yr old is fully capable of being spoken to at an equal level (my own kids are well past that age, and we made a point of never talking “down” to them because of their ages – something they’ve both thanked us for since). I like your email as well. I think it was well phrased and succinct. My only thought is that the parents might misinterpret it as being a judgement on their parenting, but that’s not something that’s in your control.

posted on July 3rd, 2010 at 9:54 pm

25 On July 4th, 2010, Kelly said:

The adult privilege in this thread is showing, big time (as is more of the Parents Suck stuff I’m so used to seeing so many places and frankly quite tired of).

I think your email was fine. I’d point out something: even the most awesome FA parents on the planet have a super-uphill battle on this stuff. If their children go to school or have contact with any other adults or children in their life they are bombarded, just bombarded with child-versions of the adult asshattery so common in our culture. A young child who mentions weight/fat in some “rude” or unsophisticated way is influenced by peers, magazines, teachers, television, film, etc – not JUST their parents. People think you can “lecture” values into children. Yeah, it doesn’t really work that way or else the job would be a lot easier.

Good luck with Klara and her parents. & I do hope one day yourself and some commenters learn that kids are people too and expecting them to be “mannered” is a rather condescending, over-simplified, and two-dimensional goal. Some of the parents I know with the most “mannered” children have kids who are unhappy, deeply plagued with anxiety and depression, resentful, and duplicitous. Raising authentic children who are also “well-behaved” (as my kids are often cited as being) is very, very hard work (but worth it, for me).

posted on July 4th, 2010 at 2:01 am

26 On July 4th, 2010, Janey said:

One day a couple of years ago a little kid (about 5, maybe?) in the drug store looked at me and said, “You’re fat!” I was in a really great mood that day and so I gave him a big smile and said “Thank you!” He smiled back, turned around and went on his way. I don’t know what he got out of that encounter, but I hope it was something positive.

posted on July 4th, 2010 at 3:17 pm

27 On July 4th, 2010, J.S. said:

Kelly, thanks so much for posting that link, and for giving me a term for the set of attitudes that has made me deeply uncomfortable on otherwise wonderful websites.

posted on July 4th, 2010 at 9:15 pm

28 On July 5th, 2010, Michelle Zive said:

You handled this with grace but directness. I have a seven-year-old who’s made many embarassing comments as he navigates the world. “Mom, why is that man bald?” “Is that woman going to have a baby?” “Why does she look funny?” But after a couple of times of saying to Jack, “Honey, that’s not polite to say those things.” He stopped. Perhaps your neice felt comfortable being so up front (rude?) with you. Kids will speak more openly when they feel like you won’t reject them for speaking their minds. Finally, I always say to my kids. “How does it make you feel when someone calls you ugly? Dumb? Hairy? Then the next time you want to say something negative to someone think about how you’d feel if that was you.”

posted on July 5th, 2010 at 12:09 pm

29 On July 5th, 2010, Willow said:

Kelly -

There is a difference between being an autocrat of a parent & aggressively molding your child into a “mannered” one, and in the process stamping out the child’s innate sense of self; and teaching children that others’ appearances are not fodder for their commentary. It sounds as though you’ve conflated the 2 to a degree.

posted on July 5th, 2010 at 12:56 pm

30 On July 5th, 2010, Willow said:

Kelly –

Further, the Adult Privilege checklist you linked to was, IMO, ridiculous. Children are children. This may sound shocking to the author of that checklist, but children can’t raise themselves. If left to their own devices, they could harm themselves. And then people would be all upset because children were left to wander freely around a public area without adult accompaniment (citing one example of how children are ‘wronged’ by not being able to wander around in public alone). You cannot give the same rights to a child that an adult has because a child cannot recognize many of these rights and thus has no claim to them. (Voting? Seriously?) Children are children. They are not yet adults. This society is absurdly child-centered enough as it is without these ludicrous checklists.

posted on July 5th, 2010 at 1:07 pm

31 On July 5th, 2010, Crimson Wife said:

Wow, that “adult privilege” checklist almost reads like parody. “People often make decisions on my behalf and tell me that they know better than I do what is best for me.” Umm, yeah. I *DO* actually know better than my children, especially my 18 month old. She’ll thank me when she’s older for not allowing her to get herself killed.

posted on July 5th, 2010 at 4:47 pm

32 On July 6th, 2010, Jackie said:

I agree with those of you who claim the adult privilage checklist is ridiculous. We are in a society that treats children like adults, to a great degree. Letting them eat at adult restaurants for one, essentally turning most restaurants into a Chuck E Cheese sort of environment. Adults can’t be more noisy than usual in most places, or am I wrong about that? Can an adult scream and carry on in a public place now, do they have that right?

Our society is incredibly child-centric. Many parents do invite divisiveness between themselves and non-parents, by acting out when a non-parent tells them to control their child. If parents understood that ther are places where children are allowed to make noise and run around, and there are places where that shouldn’t be allowed, and they probably shouldn’t bring their children there, since the requirements for them would be denying them their rights according to the adult privelage checklist. Funny, I don’t see “Being forced to go to a place where I’m forced to sit down and be quiet” not a part of that checklist. I guess the rights only matter, if they’re convenient to the parents’ wants.

I don’t think it can get much simpler than, if your child is unable to stay quiet or still, they don’t belong in a restaurant and most certainly don’t belong in a nice restaurant. Although, the nice restaurant I went to was on Father’s Day, and heaven forbid you deny parents a holiday where they can show off their baby like it’s a diamond ring, despite the baby crying and screaming the whole time you’re there. In most cases, if your child cannot pronounce the items on the menu, that’s a restaurant they shouldn’t be at.

Meanwhile there are few places adults can go to outside of a bar, without being encroached upon by parents and their unbehaved children. Hey though, let’s remember that children have rights too, and how dare us adults feel that we should be able to have a peaceful day without hearing the wonderful shreiks and howls of little angels.

posted on July 6th, 2010 at 2:53 am

33 On July 6th, 2010, SteveD said:

Rachael your Fat? Ok your not a Size 1, but just normal size from what I saw on your picture. But you did a good job explaining it to the Rug Rats.

But they should have had better manners. Remember Santa is keeping a list. Make it down as Bad Column.

I have some Coal from last year’s trip to PA and Riding Steam Trains. Makes perfect Christmas Gifts.

posted on July 6th, 2010 at 11:44 am

34 On July 8th, 2010, Kelly said:

@J.S.
You’re welcome!

I fully subscribe the Adult Privilege checklist is no parody, it’s real. The very fact many adults read this list and don’t even bother to consider how the child class experiences life (whatever actions we parents/carers choose to nurture or educate) shows the subhumanization (not a real word!) of children so many prescribe to.

I’m raising kids, they are 6 and 8. And they’re great kids; I regularly get complimented on their “manners”. And I am raising them safely and with absolute knowledge it’s my responsibility to do so inasmuch as I can.

I know many believe domination (whatever nice way they’d like to frame it) is the only way to raise children and by commenting here I risk many and various predictions about my or my kids’ suckery or my Special Snowflakeness or some Darlingness I bestow on them (read at my blog if you’d like to actually get to know us). I know this is not a safe or welcome space to point out that 98% of children are warehoused in schools all day every weekday (many of the rest being homeschooled and supervised out-and-about by their parents/carers) then at home to sleep for a third of their life etc. etc. and yet we still hear people demand more childfree spaces. I admit when I started parenting I was much more mainstream and I literally did not see how anti-child many aspects of our culture is; the fact our culture is also very snotty re: those who choose NOT to have children (as it is) does not negate this.

Or as Twisty Faster at I Blame The Patriarchy says:
“Kids” are a class of people around the discrimination, domination, indoctrination, and abuse of whom entire cultures, industries, pathologies, and oppressive social systems flourish. Youth is temporary for the individual, yes, but a youth class persists; there is a constant supply of replacement children to keep this class well-stocked with hapless victims. Furthermore, the damage inflicted by expertly administered adult oppression techniques hardly vanishes the moment a kid turns 18.

At any rate, I am pleased at least one comment indicates an individual is interested in what I have to say (and one assumes more lurkers may have been as well). I hope those will join me in continuing to educate our children on difficult subjects like FA in ways that foster their empathy, integrity, sense of responsibility, and strengths.

posted on July 8th, 2010 at 12:57 am

35 On July 8th, 2010, inter-netz asshattery roundup « Kelly Hogaboom said:

[...] I’d stopped reading The-F Word although the title subjects – food, fat, and feminism – are passions of mine. No, I stopped reading because there are plenty of awesome FA sites that don’t pick on kids (which always, always translates to picking on mothers). Now the owner/author of this site has no children and wants to keep it that way which is great, because I support those without children (just like I support those with children!) and I especially feel for people who don’t have children by choice (especially women), given they are constantly second-guessed and despised and sneered at (maybe someday I’ll link to some of those anti-childfree* nastiness to illuminate). But like so comments I read online (both from those with or without children), the anti-child sentiment is so prevalent on this site – and goes entirely unchecked within comments – it was just sapping my energy so I’ve concentrated on other FA sites. However feeling amiable the other day I visited the site to discover the latest post, “Open Thread: Talking to kids about fat comments”. In it blog author Rachel posts a story about family and a child who made many “rude” comments about her weight and size. Rachel put together an email to her family (which was a good email) so that was pretty cool. But then… it started with the sentence, “I don’t have children (thankfully) and I can usually only take kids in small doses before they mentally and physically exhaust me” and went on from there. Most of the comments were pretty cool and offered sensible . But pretty soon teh parent- and child-snark started, and it REALLY started when I had the (Gall!) to put up my own perspective – which is that Rachel’s email was fine, that Adult Privilege was showing in the comments, and th…. [...]

posted on July 8th, 2010 at 1:42 am

36 On July 8th, 2010, Jackie said:

Kelly, you can champion the adult privilege checklist all you want. Like I said earlier, there are certain behaviors EVERYONE is held up to. Why should a child be allowed to scream and yell, in a public place where adults are not? Perhaps that’s a case of child privilege?

I also am familiar with how children experience the world, but that doesn’t remove the responsibility from the parent for their child if they take them to a sit down restaurant. I think the parents who tote their children around like belongings, or ignore their child’s cries in public are the ones who need to read that checklist.

posted on July 8th, 2010 at 7:47 am

37 On July 9th, 2010, Rachel said:

@Steve: Haha, I’m fat all right. In fact, my BMI places me as obese.

Thanks for all the great suggestions, all. I really want to stress that Klara is usually a very polite and well-behaved child who I adore spending time with and I don’t think that her comments were intended to be negative — it was more that she was naturally curious and making innocent observations. I just became concerned when it became so repetitious — three times in two visits? — which is why I finally sent a note to her parents.

I’m a little unsure where all this “adult privilege” debate stems from, but on this point I believe that it is the responsibility of parents to teach children, as my sister-in-law so articulately phrased it, “what is appropriate to say to others and what is not.”

posted on July 9th, 2010 at 1:38 pm

38 On July 9th, 2010, SteveD said:

Then you must have very outdated picture. You don’t look it. I would show you me but it would scare you too much. I want to curl up and go back to bed. Some stupid Virus. Don’t it know I had plans (sneaking up on me for 3 days).

posted on July 9th, 2010 at 4:43 pm

39 On July 14th, 2010, Marie said:

I do think explaining to kids how those comments can hurt people’s feelings help. In fact, my brother and his wife are both thin people but because of my experience of fat acceptance, are very good at explaining to their daughter that fat does not mean bad… I think they are doing that as much for her own future self image, so that she doesn’t judge herself based on what her looks might be, as to make sure she doesn’t judge other people. Recently, my brother and my 4 year old niece were playing with 3 puppies and my brother remarked on how much bigger one of the puppies were. He kept saying how big the puppy was (in french we use the same word for big or fat) so he meant to say that the puppy was bigger but it could also mean fatter… My niece told him, very caringly : you shouldn’t say that or you’ll hurt her feelings…. If she can see for herself at 4 years old what kind of comment might hurt, I think any child is capable of understanding after you explain it kindly to them.

Please if you can keep us posted on what her parents did and how she is around you now!

posted on July 14th, 2010 at 6:48 pm

40 On August 19th, 2010, mels said:

i sort of agree with the idea that you niece is making those comments from a position of innocence–that she’s working at trying to make sense of the world and organizing her perceptions into words. that said, i think you handled it well with the e-mail, just to make sure her parents are aware of what she’s saying.

kids have no filter and frequently say mortifying things. i still remember years ago when my kid sister, who was about three at the time, looked thoughtfully at the teenager checking out our groceries at the supermarket and asked, “how come you’re all black all over?”

the guy cracked up and simply said, “that’s just how i was born.” you have to take it where it comes from, i.e. a kid noticing that someone looks different from him or her and wondering why. which i think is more or less what you’re doing, but i don’t think it’s too crucial for a seven-year-old to know how to navigate weight politics. she’ll get it eventually.

posted on August 19th, 2010 at 8:48 pm