A Life Recovered

8th February 2010

posted in Rachel, Recovery |

I was on a furlough last week and barely touched my computer in the 9 total glorious days I didn’t have to punch a timecard. I know Charlynn and Greta are both also crazy busy, so please excuse our appalling lack of updates as of late. Someone on an eating disorder support forum I am a member of started a thread a couple of weeks ago explaining that she was in recovery and asking for affirmations or reminders from others of why she should persevere in her therapy goals on those days when recovery seems as far off as peace in the Middle East. For me, at least, the positives of recovery are so many that I scarcely know where to begin. Not constantly worrying that my heart will two-step out of my chest? Awesome. Being able to attend social functions that involve food with family and friends? Marvelous. Reading books and magazines that have absolutely nothing to do with nutrition and fitness? Fantastic. Not predetermining if I will have a “good” or “bad” day based on the number on my digital scale? Wonderful. Indulging in a Cadbury egg without a side helping of guilt? Incredible. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in a storefront window and thinking, “You look cute today”? Revolutionary.

But perhaps the freedom I most love about recovery is that I can finally get shit done. This last furlough week alone I managed to completely reorganize my home office, including sorting through years of personal papers, tax records, and bills (a major undertaking); read two books from my towering stack of books to read; cleaned the house and shampooed the carpets; enjoyed three Netflix movies with the hubby; slept in every morning; experimented with several new recipes; worked on a freelance web design job; researched local history; color-coordinated my closet (yes, really!) and picked through items to donate to charity; evaluated several paint samples for the (cathedral) living room wall; and managed to beat the Deatheaters in the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince game on PS3, among others. Whew!

During my eating disorder days, I was a full-time undergrad student and also worked full-time for the most part. School always provided me with a strong support system, so while I did manage to make the Dean’s list each and every quarter of those dark days, the only other “accomplishment” I can boast of from that time is this: I got skinny. Oh, I also managed to develop a lifelong heart condition, became severely depressed to the point of being suicidal, alienated family and friends, racked up lots of medical debt and nearly destroyed my credit, got fired from my job, and nearly went insane… but, hey, at least I got skinny!

Whoop-di-fucking-doo.

I can honestly state, without a nanosecond of reservation or hesitation, that choosing recovery has been one of the most rewarding and constructive decisions of my entire life. Sure, it was a long and arduous journey that often left me emotionally raw, bruised and exposed, but after reaching the recovery crossroads and choosing the path towards the light, my life has been so much better and enriched for it. Good things, it seems, continue to fall my way. Since making that crucial decision to embark towards recovery, I went on to be the speaker at my college graduation; met and then married the man I love; landed my semi-dream job; successfully completed my graduate studies; started this blog and am now working on a book project — none of which would have happened had I still been in the throes of my eating disorder. That’s because when I was actively eating disordered, the vast majority of my waking thoughts centered on achieving one primary goal: losing weight. Nothing else mattered. I tallied and re-tallied calorie counts in my head, worked on perfecting an ironclad willpower even as I obsessed more and more about food, spent hours at the gym, devoured information in print and online on the myriad and complex methods in self-erasure… Now I choose to dedicate that precious time instead to passions other than self-flagellation, such as photography and design, volunteerism, spending quality time with friends and family, academic and personal interest research, reading and learning, my job and causes… just to name a few (I have ADD, so the list goes on and on and on).

I am not just eating disorder-recovered; I have recovered my life.

How about you? If you’re still struggling with disordered behaviors, how have they affected your life from the life you once knew? If you’re recovered/recovering, what kinds of things are you able to do now that your disorder prevented you from doing before?

Click to Bookmark

This entry was posted on Monday, February 8th, 2010 at 1:34 pm and is filed under Rachel, Recovery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On February 8th, 2010, Pegkitty said:

The most important thing I’ve gotten with recovery, I think, is just not hating myself all the time. Having periods of time where I am approaching contentment. Not waking up in the morning and being disappointed to see another day.

When I do get tempted to go back to disordered behaviors, I remind myself how easily I would go from one bad behavior choice to mentally drowning in the disordered thinking and self-hatred again.

posted on February 8th, 2010 at 2:04 pm

2 On February 8th, 2010, Jillian said:

Totally relate to this post, wonderfully stated!

posted on February 8th, 2010 at 3:58 pm

3 On February 8th, 2010, nemohee said:

This brought me to tears, as someone who is regaining her own life that was stolen by an eating disorder.

I literally can’t see the screen.

And this is another breakthrough – Happy tears. I’m crying, not from self-loathing, pity, or depression, but because I see someone tackling the same life-altering problem as me, and *winning*, and I’m *happy* for her.

I hope all the best for you, and I cannot be prouder, or happier for your accomplishments. It’s so easy for others to write off the things that you’ve listed, because they’re ‘mundane’, or things that, as family members have actually said to me, ‘things you should have been doing all along’. They don’t realize that when you are in the grip of something so encompassing as an eating disorder, you are no longer living a normal life. It, and it’s cronies (like depression) literally steal the spark that makes doing such things possible.

I’ll say one thing to them – you and I, and people like us, will be and are able to do something that I can only hope they will be able to do one day – Find the joy in doing common, or even just ‘normal’, things. To see that, sometimes, it’s worth it to celebrate cleaning out your closet, just because you *can* do it. We know the value of time, because it was stolen.

Congratulations, and Thank you.

posted on February 8th, 2010 at 5:05 pm

4 On February 8th, 2010, Angela E. Lackey said:

Rachel,this is wonderful! I someday hope to be free as you are.

How has it affected my life? Well, right now I’m in IP with a feeding tube stuck in my nose. I’m not able to go to my graduate school classes this week. I’m not with my husband. I’m not in my own home. And I am very angry with myself.

In other words, it has possessed my life entirely. And I was so close to recovery . . .

Congratulations and keep up the good work!

Angela

posted on February 8th, 2010 at 5:15 pm

5 On February 8th, 2010, Merricat said:

I’ve only started trying to eat like a normal person again, so some of this list is wishful thinking, but here’s what recovery means to me:
-Being a positive role model to my daughter.
-Finally finishing my bachelor’s and moving on to my Masters, because I’ll have a brain again.
-Accepting myself enough again to have a relationship – or even friendship – with another human.
-Knowing when I’m hungry or full (not quite there yet) without a plague of guilt and indecision surrounding these feelings.
-Being able to shop for clothes off the rack in the grown-up department.
There’s more, but that’s the main stuff. I’m so inspired by all your achievements, and all the work you do. I’ve put a lot of my life on hold because of self-hate, and it’s taken a lot to just say “enough!” I’m so glad there are sites like yours that I can come to every day for inspiration, because I’m dead tired of thinspiration.
Thanks!

posted on February 8th, 2010 at 8:40 pm

6 On February 8th, 2010, Glen Coco said:

This is such a powerful post… I completely relate. My eating disorder made me extremely introverted to the point I barely had any friends, and gave me such low self-esteem that I dropped classes because of it. And now that I’m recovered, I’m this very extroverted and spontaneous and confident person, so my recovery has affected literally every aspect of my life.

posted on February 8th, 2010 at 10:06 pm

7 On February 9th, 2010, drummergrrrl said:

This was a phenomenal post. Very encouraging.

My eating disorder had me in shackles and I didn’t even know it. The best part about recovering has been learning how to get out of my own head and really learn about other people. I was so self-centered and full of self-loathing for so long … I can now truly empathize with others instead of just smiling and pretending. And I feel as though I’m participating in life, instead of sitting on the sidelines in agony.

Choosing recovery was one of the scariest and most overwhelming experiences of my life … but learning how to feel emotions for the first time has made life worth living.

posted on February 9th, 2010 at 12:32 am

8 On February 9th, 2010, Tia said:

I keep dropping by hoping your words of success and change and happiness will somehow penetrate my still resistant brain. I know it’s all up to me. I know it has to come from within with a determination and desire to really really change the way things are.

I “know” lots of things, but I compare it to the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz… “you can go that way” as his arm flings to the right, “or you can go that way” and his other arm flies to the left… it just gets so confusing to me.

Good days bad days. I admire your tenacity and your willingness to “stay the course!” I WILL keep trying.

posted on February 9th, 2010 at 2:24 am

9 On February 9th, 2010, Rachel said:

@Tia: That’s kind of the approach I took, too. Buddhist teaching says that you become what you surround yourself with and I firmly believe this to be true. That’s one of the reasons why I avoid toxic people and unhealthy influences (like popular women’s magazines, some TV shows, certain websites, etc…) as much as I can. I’m cognizant of these people/things and the messages they promote, but I can try and keep them from seeping into my subconscious as much as possible. Instead I visit blogs and sites that I feel promote healthy and balanced messages and, of course, I also try to blog about these things myself. I’ve always said that while I’m amazed and glad that others take something from my writings, my blog is foremost self-serving as it helps keep ME on the straight and narrow. As my favorite artist Bruce Cockburn wrote, “…nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight — Got to kick at the darkness ’til it bleeds daylight.” Keep kicking, everyone.

posted on February 9th, 2010 at 12:19 pm

10 On February 9th, 2010, Lu said:

I’m glad that you posted this. I wish everyone would read it. There are such skewed perceptions of eating disorders out there.

posted on February 9th, 2010 at 12:45 pm

11 On February 9th, 2010, JeninCanada said:

“…that choosing recovery has been one of the most rewarding and constructive decisions of my entire life.”

This is an important concept for me. I’ve always had it stuck in my head that people just get better if they go to the doctor’s or therapy or whatever. No. We have to CHOOSE to get better, to take the steps that will help us climb out of whatever hole we’re in, whether it’s depression, an eating disorder or an abusive relationship. Knowing that we DO have the choice, that our lives ARE ours to control, that we DO have the power to make good changes, is something we forget for various reasons. Thank you for reminding me/us.

posted on February 9th, 2010 at 12:55 pm

12 On February 9th, 2010, Rachel2 said:

Thank you for the reminder. Poignantly written, and it’s making my heart pound.

I am only in the beginning stages of undoing all of the damage to my life that obsessive-compulsive disorder has done. I choose to stick to the light, and I choose to move forward. Unfortunately, the assholes responsible for my mental health funding decided that 14 therapy appointments over a 7 month period were “good enough” to authorize, and refuse to authorize any more. I am at the point of trying to come up with a solution, as the state decides to leave me high and dry, scrambling for some semblance of sanity for the next 5 months until my appointments re-authorize. I’ve been in the dark. I’ve been in the dark for 12-15 years. I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half, and it’s not going to take only a year and a half to uncover and undo almost a decade and a half worth of patterns and damage.

So for me at the moment, I feel like the jar was temporarily lifted for me to breath some of that fresh, sweet air, and now it’s clamped shut again for me to suffocate in the darkness.

On the other hand, I’ve made great gains for myself in this year and a half. I’ve done so by weekly (and sometimes semi-weekly) appointments, a lot of introspection, and a lot of fiddling around with the medication. I look forward to the day, Rachel, that I can say the same thing you are saying. The day that I can say that I’ve only washed my hands because they were legitimately dirty. The day that I can say that I had a glorious week like you did, accomplishing much that wouldn’t have been accomplished otherwise in my dark little hole. I look forward to the day that I can play outside again. The day that I can touch a doorknob without the psychosomatic “ick” that I get when I touch an “unclean” surface. I look forward to the day that I won’t have to worry about being worried. I look forward to the day where a happy, relaxed state comes naturally and easily, and I don’t have to fixate on every sensation on my body and panic about it. I look forward to leaving the anxiety loop…

Congratulations on your hard-fought achievements, Rachel!! I strive for success similar to yours! I CHOOSE recovery. I am worried, though, and I know that without my therapist for awhile, there will be some back-tracking, and I just don’t want to go back into the dark darkness…

posted on February 9th, 2010 at 10:43 pm

13 On February 10th, 2010, Penny said:

Recovery is coming slowly. It probably doesn’t help that I’m still dealing with the fallout of my most recent struggle with depression; most days I’m able to be pretty normal, but some days I just find myself ignoring my hunger or not even acknowledging it to myself. On those days, I feel like I don’t deserve to relieve my hunger pangs; I feel like all I deserve is the pain and the sluggishness, headache and dizziness that result from such self-neglect. And besides, I’ve been fat since I was a child; practically all my life, I’ve been hearing comments about how I could stand to miss a few meals. Even my mother, who knows that I dislike diet talk because it inspires me to behave in some incredibly unhealthy ways, has suggested several times that I should go on a weight-loss diet. Given that even on my good days I probably don’t eat as much as I should, that’s probably one of the worst pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten from anybody.

But as slow as it is, I am recovering. I’m having more days when I feel that eating really is a pleasure I deserve to have. A couple of years ago, I caught a cold that was so bad that I temporarily lost my sense of smell; since then, I’ve had a real appreciation for the texture of my food as well as the taste. And when I’m enjoying food, I find that my preferences actually take a healthier turn than when I can’t seem to convince myself that food really isn’t my enemy. I can cook now, and that’s something I couldn’t do when my self-starvation was at its worst, because back then I was afraid that I’d make something too tasty and I wouldn’t be able to stop eating it. I sing in two choirs, and in the last year I’ve been told that my voice has really improved; perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I’m now feeding myself properly most of the time.

I’m lucky in that I haven’t really done any permanent damage to my body, and the damage to my mind is gradually correcting itself. I’m not as depressed as I was even just a year ago. But even as I’m glad that this is happening, I still feel my tendency towards starving myself lurking not too far from the surface of my mind, and I wonder if it will ever really leave me. It scares me a little; I’m twenty-seven years old now, and it’s been with me for most of those years in one way or another. And to be honest, I still have times when I feel unworthy and unlovable because of my size—more than I’d like to admit. But every day when I don’t give in to those harmful feelings and behaviours is a victory for me, and as my recovery continues I’m learning new ways to deal with them.

For now, that will do.

posted on February 10th, 2010 at 7:58 pm

14 On April 9th, 2010, Griff said:

Hello Stephanie18! Sooo good to find where you went off too! Hmmm, just how much of my story and others from the site is in your little book project??? You dare and I will sue!!
love
Griff

posted on April 9th, 2010 at 5:13 pm

15 On April 9th, 2010, Rachel said: