Guest Blogger Michal: To be or not to be a mother

18th November 2009

Guest Blogger Michal: To be or not to be a mother

posted in Feminist Topics, Guest Blogger |

Reader Michal (who goes by the screen name “cggirl” here) picked up on my oh, so subtle childless-by-choice vibes here and wrote to tell me about an awesome project she’s working on called “Motherhood Shmotherhood,” which examines “women deciding whether, and when, to have kids, and the pressures they face from their families, peers, and society at large.” The project consists of a one-hour documentary — view the site and trailer here — and a blog that features webisodes and contributions from others similarly undecided on motherhood. The question of motherhood is a decision most, if not all, women encounter at some point in their lives and the outcome is often a deeply personal one influenced by social, cultural, ethnic, religious, political and biological factors and circumstances. Michal so graciously agreed to guest blog about her personal struggles on motherhood and invites you to also weigh in on your own experiences in the decision to be or not to be a mother.

Michal writes:

I always thought I would have kids. I figured I’d have a nice career too, but in the end, I thought kids would be so important that not only would I have them, I’d also put them first in my life, and sacrifice my career to be able to be at home with them a lot of the time.

If you’d asked me when I was twenty, I would’ve said I’d probably have a kid in my late twenties, surely by the time I was 30 at the latest. I also would’ve said there is no point in getting married unless it’s to have kids.

Now I find myself at age 31, married, and no closer to actually having a child. When my husband and I got married, it felt like something really meaningful in its own right. This was a way to show each other and the world that we are each other’s family, something more than just “boyfriend/girlfriend”. And it didn’t feel like it had to have anything to do with having kids. Two people already ARE a family.

I’ve discussed this with my husband, and neither of us is ready for parenthood right now. We both know that women have more of a biological limit, so I will probably end up being the one to say “now or never”, but I can’t say that until I’m sure in my own heart what I want.)

In terms of my own wants/dreams, I’m not sure what to think. Shouldn’t I feel some sort of yearning yet? Sometimes I feel it a little bit. But for the most part, the idea of childbirth scares the crap out of me, and the idea of actually raising a child and losing my freedom? Even scarier. However, when I think to myself that I will never have a child, it makes me very very sad. I always thought I would be a good parent. And I do think I have that thing, maybe it’s a biological thing, of wanting to pass on my genes or some self-centered thing like that. I do think it’s selfish but I also think it’s natural for many of us to feel it… I just don’t feel like I could do it now.

It doesn’t make things any easier that EVERYONE asks about it, strangers even. I’m Jewish, Israeli actually, and I think we have a culture of everybody being in everybody’s business, and a strong social influence that the main purpose of a woman in life – much moreso than men by the way – is to have a baby. Having a family is EVERYthing, and being child-free by choice is virtually unheard of. This is so stressful, because it’s hard enough figuring out what you want without all this pressure. I don’t want to have kids just because I was conditioned to want that, and I don’t want to NOT have them just to spite all those people that try to push the idea on me.

I do find myself trying to rethink my image of motherhood. My own mom did not have a career, and the entire burden of raising us fell on her. I don’t think that was such a happy arrangement; at least, it wouldn’t be a good arrangement for me, even if it was the best thing for my parents (which you’d have to ask them about). And I wonder if my early thinking that I should do the same came from some sort of subconscious desire to justify her choices, or even not to feel like it was my fault, or something… I don’t know. And on the other hand, my rather depressing view of motherhood is also based on that idea – of all the burden falling on the mother and her not having her own career. But now I see that it doesn’t matter what my mom did. She is a different person, and her relationship with my dad was a different relationship than mine with my husband, so naturally we can and will have a different arrangement.

Sometimes I think that maybe I AM selfish like they say… I’ve heard it said that people who don’t have kids are selfish. And I disagree – many of them are selfless people who do amazing things for others (not to mention benefiting the environment by not procreating!) and I know many parents who are quite selfish (not mine, thank goodness). As I mentioned, there is something selfish about procreating anyway (shouldn’t we all be adopting? and/or having at most one child so as not to overpopulate the planet?) – so I disagree that people who choose to be child-free by choice are selfish. But for me, specifically, maybe it is true. I don’t feel like putting someone else ahead of me all the time. Then again, also selfishly, I don’t want to miss out on something so special like motherhood.

I’m also always told that once you have the child, you love them and don’t regret it. But I don’t know. I think there are parents that don’t love their kids, or don’t love them enough. And I think there are parents who do love their kids but still regret their decision. Those cases of regret – they have the same paradox of, say, a teenage mom – she might love her child and still advise anyone AGAINST getting pregnant so young, or even taking a pregnancy to term at that age. I think there are parents who are adults and have kids because that’s what’s expected, or maybe because they think it will help their relationship, and end up regretting it and the child gets hurt too. And I think there are plenty of relationships that get ruined because of having children. (I’m grateful that my own parents love me a lot, and that they are happy they had kids and the kids did not, as far as I know, ruin their relationship. But I don’t think everyone is as lucky as me on all these fronts, as I have seen in other families. My parents will probably think I’m weird if I decide not to have a kid, because to them it seems such a natural thing to want…)

So I’m still entirely undecided… I think the thing is – I don’t want to give up on the idea of parenthood, and I certainly don’t want it to mess up things with my husband who is my best friend in the world and the love of my life. So I want to be ready for it before it’s too late, and, in turn, I want him to be ready for it right about the same time. How to actually get there, I have no idea.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am and is filed under Feminist Topics, Guest Blogger. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

1 On November 18th, 2009, mccn said:

I am child free by choice as well. Unlike yourself, I have always known that I didn’t want to have kids. As a child, if someone ever referred to “when you grow up and have kids of your own,” I’d immediately correct them. With one exception, for my whole 30 years of life, I have never, ever had a real, substantial desire to have a family. I may occasionally think about some of the potential benefits of a family, and feel that “this is one good thing some people choose to do that I do not, and like any missed opportunity, I may occasionally wonder what it is like or feel that I have missed something.” But I can’t do everything, and so I have that feeling about other things as well.

When I was first involved with my husband, he deeply wanted to have children – he had always imagined being a father. He thought my desire to not have children meant that I was sad or unhappy – that something was wrong with me. As we discussed the issue, and I heard about his reasoning, for once, I felt – hey, maybe I could do this, and maybe it could be really good. With this person, having a family could be a marvellous experience.

That feeling didn’t last long, although it was interesting to me while it did. As I consider the day to day realities of raising a child (I would adopt – I am terrified of the potential consequences of pregnancy to someone with my health conditions), I do not feel that it is something I want to do. And I firmly believe that children should be wanted (although I also think that if more people really thought about what it meant to have and raise a child, maybe fewer people would). The daily grind, the constant self-sacrifice, the incredible energy it takes; the years of dealing with someone else’s feces and vomit, the stress and anxiety of the parent-child relationship, the worries about school – and the financial impact of having a child on my career as a woman and my financial security, all add up, to me, to a resounding “not for me.”

There are no givens. If you have a child, you can’t always know that you will love him or her and she or he will love you back. I have seen this in my family. I have a sibling who is a psychopath, who has stolen from and lied to my family his whole life, despite support, nurturing, encouragement, forgiveness, consequences – really, model parenting for a difficult child. I haven’t spoken to him in two years. My parents anguish over his state, but cannot speak to him anymore either, after his lies culminated in beggaring my mother. I don’t wish to live like that – or risk living like that.

You can’t be sure that “everything will change and it will be worth it.” One can never know these things before one makes the choice! For me, the risks outweigh the benefits, and those adages Rachel has cited above – are just false. To have a child, I believe you should consider what it really takes, the real risks, and whether you’ll be OK with the worst outcome.

My parents say that they would have loved any child, no matter what that child needed or did or what the outcome was. They still feel love for my brother, and say that, if they had known, they would have taken him in anyway, because they feel that they gave him the best shot he could have. I think you have to be able to say that, to say that it’s worth all the hurt and devastation of having a child who is a bad person – or who dies – before you can decide to be a parent at all. And I cannot.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 1:14 pm

2 On November 18th, 2009, cggirl said:

Thank you so much Rachel!!!

3 On November 18th, 2009, caseyatthebat said:

This describes EXACTLY how I feel – thank you for writing about it, I feel like a little less of a freak now. People ask if I want children, and often look at me funny when I say that I’m ambivalent, even funnier when I say that I’m OK with that ambivalence.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm

4 On November 18th, 2009, Rachel said:

FYI, I forgot to mention that Michal goes by the screen name “cggirl” here (see comment #2). I’ll also be guest blogging for her blog soon on the reasons why I personally am childless-by-choice.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 1:33 pm

5 On November 18th, 2009, Erin said:

Who cares?

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

6 On November 18th, 2009, Toni said:

That is just how I often feel, too. I worry if I could physically manage a pregnancy given that for the duration I’d have to go off certain medications that make it possible for me to live an able-bodied life. I worry about bringing a special-needs child into the world. I know the odds are small, at the same time, I *know* I couldn’t handle it. Really, truly, could not cope with that. Not with my own health problems. What if I never have a relationship that would support child-rearing? Could I, would I, do it on my own? But then, I think, “Who will come visit me when I’m old?” My parents are getting older, my brothers are starting their own families, where do I fit in if I don’t have a family “of my own”? I wish more people would talk about this. But everyone I know has kids, and while they admit that it’s hard, they immediately follow that with “but it’s so worth it.” My own parents had kids because it was expected of them. They loved us, raised us well, and we all turned into good people, but I never felt that they really wanted the experience of child-raising in and of itself. Sorry, I’m rambling. But thanks for this post.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

7 On November 18th, 2009, Rachel said:

@Erin: Obviously, quite a few people care.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:16 pm

8 On November 18th, 2009, Bianca said:

I already have one child ( I had her when I was 20), and always assumed I would have another. I remarried earlier this year, and I thought I would try to get pregnant after the wedding.

But when my husband and I talked about it, we realized that we actually did not want to have a baby. We love our daughter, but we also love our lifestyle and don’t want to give it up for another child. And I don’t care if that’s selfish. My life, my decisions.

But I’ve had people react strangely when I tell them I don’t want any more children. I actually had a woman tell me I was asking for trouble by having an only child. I still have no idea what she meant.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:26 pm

9 On November 18th, 2009, Kelly said:

Michal, this is an incredibly self-reflective and awesome post. You seem to be taking a lot of time to think about something important and there is nothing here (ok, there’s ONE thing) that I don’t find super-valuable for ANY person to consider, if they are thinking about the choice to have children or not. I am only sad that more people (and women especially) don’t feel the freedom to choose a childfree life without many others pressuring them or questioning them. I know this happens a lot in our culture.

You wrote:

“… not to mention benefiting the environment by not procreating! [ snip ] there is something selfish about procreating anyway (shouldn’t we all be adopting? and/or having at most one child so as not to overpopulate the planet?).. ”

Let me first say this: I care deeply about my planet and I make many lifestyle choices accordingly. I also have two kids that I birthed myself.

But there are so many problems with your statements I’m not sure where to start. I’ll keep it simple and say you can’t have it both ways. Either the family we choose is a deeply personal choice we have the freedom to make on our own, or other people get to decide it for us. I don’t see how you can decide what’s “environmentally right” for everyone (you did use the word “all”). That kind of stuff really bothers me. Yes, the planet is overburdened and many people choose many ways to deal with this (or not deal with it!). You have no more right to make a decision of right/wrong about a family with more kids than your PERSONAL standard than I do looking into your most personal decisions and questioning them based on my moral code.

It literally gives me chills to think if I’m hanging out and about with my two kids people might judge me based on my GREENNESS. They know nothing about me other than what they see and I fervently believe that kind of judgment has a cost. (Also, P.S., the planet has been burdened for some time – did your parents make the wrong, un-green decision, by having you?)

One more thing: if you’re ever interested in a discussion about having kids (bio or adopted) AND being environmentally-minded, I’d love to have such a discussion because I have a lot of thoughts! Feel free to email me if that’s something you’re interested in.

To get back to your topic: I think that our culture rewards mommyhood or the acquisition of it. Especially straight, white, hetero and married motherhood. In a way if you’ve done those things you get “sanctioned” – it’s a type of privilege. For instance we just looked at a house rental, and let me tell you, the minute my husband and “adorable” white (and clean) kids got out of the car the realtor was on us like you wouldn’t believe, trying to get us to rent the house. You see, because clearly we have “evidence” that we are stable or whatever. I mean for all the lady knows we fight nightly with beer bottles and prostitute the kids out. But I’ve seen that kind of “sigh of relief” in many a realtor. (Maybe this is because we are typically renting lower-rent houses?)

I am not saying if you were unmarried or didn’t have kids you would have had a harder time getting the rental. I can’t know for sure. I’m just saying I recognize all the time other people’s weird kind of “blessings” they give my family when they see we’re married, white, normal, married. P.S. if the kids are messy or loud or whatever, this “approval” vanishes instantly and usually I get ostracized or glared at. Wheee!

I don’t mean to ramble but… I think this topic is interesting. I support my childfree friends and I see that their lives have meaning and don’t need a culturally-approved benchmark to be socially relevant, vibrant, and valuable to our society. I wish you luck on your choices and it is obvious you are doing some great work in thinking it over.

10 On November 18th, 2009, Jackie said:

I find the first people to call out non-parents as selfish, are the parents who are selfish. I guess they’re upset with the freedoms people without children get to have, rather than focusing on their kids.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:32 pm

11 On November 18th, 2009, Bree said:

When I was in my late 20′s, I decided not to have children. Of course, I always got questions as to why, and my comeback would always be, “if I could afford them, I would have them.” Of course, there are many parents with money out there who are horrible with their kids, and many poor parents who do a great job. But I didn’t feel it was a good choice to bring a child into this world with no stable financial means of supporting them. I’m 33 now and my stance hasn’t changed. I also think it helps that my family, especially my mom, never pressured me to have children.

If people know they don’t want children, then they shouldn’t be looked down on for their decisions. Parenthood is not for everyone, and especially for women, our worth should not be determined by our wombs.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm

12 On November 18th, 2009, Kelly said:

“I find the first people to call out non-parents as selfish, are the parents who are selfish. I guess they’re upset with the freedoms people without children get to have, rather than focusing on their kids.”

I don’t know of any parent friend of mine who has ever literally called a non-parent selfish. Is this a common thing?

For the record, as a mother, I neither think of childfree people as “selfish”, but nor do I envy them their supposed freedoms either!

And on that subject – I actually hate it when parents who have kids rhapsodize nostalgically or enviously about how people that DON’T have kids just can’t know what it’s like and how MUCH freedome they USED to have. The handful of times I’ve heard this in-person, the mommy in question was talking about all the stuff she WOULD get to do if she didn’t have kids. I have literally not heard this since I was hanging with first-time moms of young babies so maybe it was part of the shock of what it’s like to be a parent? (Especially a mom – for some partnered mothers it’s a real “rubber meets the road” moment where you find out just how egalitarian your partner’s views really are).

Also… when we see parents who are “selfish” in public, what does this mean? What’s to prevent us from going up to one another and trying a dialogue? I really hate the “us. vs. them” stuff I see in the parents / childfree stuff.

13 On November 18th, 2009, Entangled said:

Thank you for sharing.

I feel like I’m too young at 27 to say 100% that I’m childfree by choice, but that’s my intention. I started a very long comment about why having children doesn’t really appeal to me, but in essence I don’t see the downsides as being worth the upside – some days I can’t even figure out what the upside is.

My partner is a little more attached to the idea of having children, but unwilling to make the sacrifices. I’ve told him I’m willing to reconsider if he makes a commitment to being first parent on call whenever there’s a sick child or early pickup or whatever. His kind of sort of maybe wanting children someday doesn’t include the actual work part, just the fantasy of someone else taking care of that for him. At least he realizes that, though.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 2:48 pm

14 On November 18th, 2009, Rachel said:

@Kelly, I don’t want to speak for Michal, but I think the snippet you quoted wasn’t meant to be taken literally but was rather her pontificating aloud on the reasons given in deciding on motherhood.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 3:05 pm

15 On November 18th, 2009, Karen said:

Are you sure you didn’t just get this by reading my mind? Good gravy, you hit this precisely. Just yesterday afternoon I was contemplating how any reference I make to “my family” will conjure up the assumption that we have kids, even though it’s just my husband and I. Why is he not my family until we have kids?

The only big difference I see for myself is that instead of being Jewish I’m Catholic. That comes with a bunch of other baggage, namely that anyone without children is suspected of using some form of birth control, which is prohibited. In our case, however, my husband had to be snipped for unrelated reasons several years ago while I have to take birth control pills for medical reasons. We can’t have a child of our own without some drastic intervention. But the pressure from others is there. We can either explain our situation, which is TMI for all but our inner circle, or we can leave people thinking we’re disregarding our faith, which we’re not. It’s all very frustrating, and makes me wish people would just keep their noses out of it.

All of which makes me wonder if there’s something else we’re meant to do in this life that requires not having children. My husband sometimes thinks he wants one, though. He’d like to adopt, given that he’s adopted and that our situation would make the biological route problematic. I, however, am terrified that I’ll resent a child for changing everything. If I’m going to make a mistake in this I’d rather it be not having a child than to regret having a child. It’s just not fair to the kid to do otherwise.

Alas, none of this makes Mother’s Day any easier. And I always thought I’d be adorable pregnant. I wish I could give my reproductive parts some use, see what it’s like. Breastfeeding fascinates me, I want to try it. This is the stuff that conjures longing – but it’s not what I really ought to want if I’m going to take on responsibility for a child.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 3:14 pm

16 On November 18th, 2009, Kelly said:

I’d be delighted to hear what the original author meant, if she’s willing to elaborate.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

17 On November 18th, 2009, WendyRG said:

If someone doesn’t want kids, that’s fine with me. If someone wants kids, fine too. One thing I do believe is that there is never a perfect time to have kids. You just take a chance, if that’s what you want and pray it works out. I definitely don’t believe that we must all have children.

Strangely enough, what gets my dander up is those who only have one child by choice. I absolutely hated being an only child and it just got worse as the years went by. I was brought up by a single, handicapped mother. She was a fine person in her own right and a loving supportive mother, but I think there’s something you can only learn about human relations from have one or several siblings.

Many people have told me how much they hate or have nothing in common with their siblings, but I deeply feel the lack of a sibling in my life. Consequently, when I decided to have a child, I also decided that I would do my best to have a second one too so that they would be there for each other.

I have been lucky. My two boys (2 1/2 years apart) are very different from each other but good friends nevertheless.

Having kids is certainly not always an easy experience. Having two adolescents can be quite stressful! I worry a lot about them and their futures (especially right now, but I won’t go into detail). I also have a feeling in my heart for my children that is indescribable. I love my husband deeply. We are a great team. But what I feel for my kids…well, I don’t have any words to describe how profound it is. That’s just how I feel.

I am not a mom’s mom either. I have a career that I have always worked in, though since I am self-employed, I was able to go back to work gradually after each birth. Being somewhat handicapped myself (thanks Mom), I was never able to do mommy stuff–sitting on the floor playing with blocks, or going for bike rides and the like. I read to my kids a lot instead when they were young. Now, we talk about politics together and I am proud to say that my 16 year-old is a member of his high school’s gay-straight alliance. My 14 year-old plays a mean electric guitar, in part because I have always encouraged them to do music.

Having kids is a personal decision. I made mine and I am doing my best to raise decent, caring human beings who will try to make the world a better place. That’s the bottom line for me–making the world a better place–and that’s something we can do with or without kids.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 3:27 pm

18 On November 18th, 2009, *e* said:

Thank you for this post. I am incredibly greatful to my mother because she does not put that pressure on me. She has often come to my defense when others have called me selfish for not wanting children. They say, “How can you be so selfish. What about your parents? They want to be grandparents. How can you deny them that.” And my mother has fiercely turned to them and said, “Having a child is an enormous responsibility that no one should take for the sake of someone else. I would never be selfish enough to pressure my children to have kids because I want grandkids. THAT is selfish of you!” It nearly brought me to tears to know that she is not disappointed or saddened by my choice but just happy to have her family in her life.

I also have a friend who has one child, and has since decided that she does not want to have any more. She often gets called selfish as well by other mothers. She has shared how shocked she was to have one coworker tell her that not only was she selfish for this decision, but that her son would be deprived and not develop as well as an only child. My friend was an only child, and boy did she put that mother right in her place for that comment.

It’s really surpring how people just blurt things like that out. I’m glad that you wanted to have a child. I support your decision. But why does that mean that you can act superior and judge me because of it? There is a lot of pressure, and I’m frankly getting tired of constantly having to justify my feelings. I don’t make anyone justify their want to be parents. Sometimes it’s just maddening!

Pregnancy and child birth just do not appeal to me. If I were to ever change my mind about being a parent (which hasn’t happened yet), I would be more likely to adopt. And when I mentioned that around certain people, boy did it open up a can of worms! “It’s not the same!” “Don’t you want your own child?!” I can’t even begin to comment on those comments. I’m just amazed at the reactions. You’d think I’d just said that I’d throw a baby over a cliff!

I applaud people for really thinking it through, because above all, it is an enormous responsibility that should never be taken lightly.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm

19 On November 18th, 2009, Bianca said:

“Strangely enough, what gets my dander up is those who only have one child by choice. I absolutely hated being an only child and it just got worse as the years went by. I was brought up by a single, handicapped mother. She was a fine person in her own right and a loving supportive mother, but I think there’s something you can only learn about human relations from have one or several siblings. ”

Well I am one of those people, and I can tell you that my child has no problems with relating to other people. She is in honors classes and smart as a whip.

She has always been very active in sports, girl scouts etc. We can afford to do a lot of things for her (sleep away camp in the summer, competitive soccer, music lessons, etc) that we would have to cut back on if we had to pay for daycare and the expense of raising another child.

You cannot judge others based simply on your circumstances.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm

20 On November 18th, 2009, Lu said:

I have one son. I love him more than I thought I could ever love anyone. However, he is the only one I will be having. For various reasons my husband and I have decided not to have any more. I always knew I wanted children, but I never thought I would have any. Thanks to the miracles of modern science I have one beautiful son. I don’t want any more. People always give me a funny look when I tell them that I won’t be having any more. I think they expect that once you have one child you will have 8 more. That just isn’t for me. I love my son. I think that he is amazing. I’m also done. I love my family of 3. I had him when I was 30 and that was the perfect age. Now, I get to enjoy his growing up and becoming a child, teenager (eek), adult… It’s a privilege, but I want to do it only once.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm

21 On November 18th, 2009, erin said:

My situation is different….i have never…ever wanted to give birth to kids. The blood, the discomfort, dealing with dirty diapers, and a baby crying and not being able to TELL ME WHATS WRONG. i swear to god i’d shake a baby…..and at the same time, all im life i had dreams of 2 younger girls (like age 4-5) in my life…..i thought i had to adopt…and then found the man of my dreams who happened to be a widower…with 2 little girls that really needed a mommy back.
i love my man and our kids with all my heart. i really do love them like they are my own…but we are planning on getting ONE of us snipped….he is afraid of me getting ill and dying (as did his first wife, death at childbirth still happens) and i simply dont want to deal with children under 2. I feel so lucky. i get to have them for all the fun stuff (well except teenagerhood, but that still will be fun in a way)and didnt have to deal with diapers, teething, the act of birth itself ect ect.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 4:21 pm

22 On November 18th, 2009, Sandy said:

This statement is what I had the most issue with:

“I don’t feel like putting someone else ahead of me all the time.”

As women in general (it isn’t a culture thing) we are taught that we MUST be mothers and MUST give 100% to our kids and whatever might be left must be given to our husbands…

however..this is soo not right or even healthy.

Yes, to a degree you have to put your kids above yourself. They are a responsibility, a job. You have to forgo some things to make sure their needs are met (Not buying so many foods you like so you can save money to buy foods that the kids will eat, for example). But putting them ALWAYS ahead of you is NOT HEALTHY. Any good therapist will tell you so. To be a good parent you have to take care of yourself and be selfish as some point so you have the energy to take care of your kids as well.

You can have a career and kids as long as you honor your responsibility to your kids (sometimes you are just gonna have to play with them/go to a soccer game/etc). That is just the way it is. But you will find that you WANT to be there for your kids too…just like you want to be there with your spouse for some things.

Too many people go from one extreme to the other…if you have a career you can’t raise kids, if you raise kids you can’t do anything for yourself. Sooo untrue and infuriating. I know of many women who work and have families and are good at both. It is all about balance, like any other relationship. And having kids IS a relationship. They are little people with thoughts and feelings of their own, not pets.

I have 2 kids. I am a stay a home mom, but not by 100% choice. We looked at our options and decided it would benefit us if I stayed home until they were at least in school since I would basically have to work to buy another car to get to work and afford daycare. It wouldn’t bring in any real money so I just stay home and bide my time. When my girl starts school (unless some miracle happens and my MIL can retire to watch the kids for free before then) I will look for a job so I can have a life of my own. I don’t do mom’s groups because all they want to do is talk about their kids or their meetings revolve around the kids and I don’t want that. I want 100% adult time…still looking though!

Which is another thing. Kids are really only needy for a short time in their life. This helps me get through this difficult young years (my oldest starts Kindergarten next year). I treasure the good things (like when my son brought me a new plant (or planet as he calls them) when my ILs brought him home one day because he heard me lamenting about the squirrels eating my flower bulbs. Just thinking of that makes tears well up. But the tough times, like when he screams at me and tells me he hates me (usually because I won’t let him so something on the computer or play Wii all day)…well, I just remind myself that one day he won’t be here anymore. He will have his own friends and then his own life and I will be fighting to be a part of it.

I do understand though. I HATED being pregnant. I hated that my body was no longer my own and everything I did had to do with making sure he was healthy. With my daughter I had gestational diabetes and I was so freaking SICK on top of it that when I was 10wks along I had a bleeding episode and a part of me was sad that I hadn’t miscarried because I was tired of throwing up 3 or 4 times a day…and I was only at week 10! By the time she was born I was ready for them to just take out all my plumbing…I did NOT want to do that again and still don’t. It still sucks because DH gets to do a lot of things I don’t get to do (mainly because of no babysitter). But again, I know that the years go by really fast and soon enough I will be able to do those things again.

With all that rambling out of my system, I will say this. You will never be “ready” for kids. But only you can decide if you want them. It is a job and like every other job not everyone is cut out for it. Only you can decide that. You can have your own, or give your love to someone else’s by adopting or lavishing affection on family.

And if anyone makes a comment just give them a stink eye.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 4:24 pm

23 On November 18th, 2009, TropicalChrome said:

I have also chosen not to have children by choice. I don’t like the word “childless” because the “less” implies that something’s missing, and “childfree” isn’t a whole lot better because it implies there’s a lack of committment in my life that couldn’t be further from the truth. I simply don’t have children.

I’ve been called selfish among other things, but after reading over the comments about people with one child being called selfish and people with multiple children also being called selfish, you just can’t win. You have to make the right decision for you and just recognize that not everyone is going to approve. They don’t have to. It’s not their life.

There are things I’ll never know because I did not have kids. There are things those with kids will never know because they did. You can’t have it both ways, and there are rewards and downsides to each. I knew early on that parenthood was not for me; I know people who took a lot longer to decide to have kids or not. The one thing I know for sure is that the whole process is intensely personal, not just the final decision.

As for siblings: it’s a crapshoot. You might end up like my mother, who is best friends with her older sister, or you might end up like my sister and I, who weren’t – which absolutely mystified my mother who kept pushing us together even though we were so different we really didn’t have anything in common. (We managed to work out a friendship on our own terms in our 30s, away from the influence of Mom.)

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 4:31 pm

24 On November 18th, 2009, WendyRG said:

I’d just like to comment further on the “only child” issue. Being an only child does not mean you can’t be brilliant, active, social and sociable, have lots of friends and a successful life.

I just found that the older I got, the more I felt the weight of my mother’s needs, the abandonment of my father and the fact that for me, there was no one to share with. That was, and is, my experience.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 4:41 pm

25 On November 18th, 2009, jen said:

I don’t know of any parent friend of mine who has ever literally called a non-parent selfish. Is this a common thing? I don’t know if it’s common, but I have in fact heard people (either parents or people who assume they one day will be parents) say that to be childless by choice is a selfish act. They assume that a person does not have a child because he or she doesn’t want to do the work to raise a child well.

They absolutely deny the possibility that he or she might have made an accurate self-assessment and decided that he or she would not be a good parent, and that he or she therefore made an unselfish choice not to have a child as an accessory, just because all of their friends are doing it.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 5:17 pm

26 On November 18th, 2009, jen said:

Sorry – first two sentences of my previous post were supposed to be blocked off as a quote – must have gotten my html tags wrong ….

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 5:18 pm

27 On November 18th, 2009, Guest Post on The F Word « Motherhood Shmotherhood said:

[...] 18, 2009 by cggirl Rachel of “The F Word” was kind enough to let me guest post. Check it out, along with the rest of her awesome [...]

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 5:19 pm

28 On November 18th, 2009, JennyRose said:

I never thought I would have kids. The idea just seemed absurd. I could barely take care of myself let alone another person. My husband didn’t want them either. I was actually kind of afraid of babies. I wouldn’t hold one unless I was sitting down. (That’s a trick I learned) I was the youngest in my extended family and had almost no contact with kids.

Then I turned 35 and decided I wanted to try. Husband was against it but gave in figuring it was too strange to happen to us. I had a plan; I would try for a while, get depressed when I couldn’t get pg and then go back to my normal life. I didn’t think I would happen after so many years with an ED. Well it did happen, the next month. We were stunned.

I have no regrets. I love my daughter and I cannot imagine life without her. Still, we do not have an entirely child focused life. She does things with us (and we do things she can do like dinner out, museums etc.)and our couples lifestyle hasn’t changed that much. Of course, some people with “real families” (more than one child) treat me like a selfish dabbler. Like I am somehow not a real mother because I haven’t given up my life.

No one touched me while I was pregnant accept DH. No one told me birth horror stories or said negative things either. My parents were thrilled but never pushed. In fact, they told my grandma to butt out when she wanted to talk about it.

Having kids is not for everybody and I don’t know if it even is for me but I love my daughter and I love being her mom.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 5:41 pm

29 On November 18th, 2009, Rachel said:

I was actually kind of afraid of babies. I wouldn’t hold one unless I was sitting down.

I like kids, but I am definitely not a baby person, especially newborns. It was after I learned that a baby’s soft spot is where the plates in their skull haven’t fused that I developed a morbid fear of poking my finger through their soft spot into their brain. I usually don’t hold babies until they reach that unbreakable stage of about 8 months or so.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 5:51 pm

30 On November 18th, 2009, Frances said:

I’m 23, I have a long-term boyfriend that I plan on being with for an even longer term and we don’t want kids. Yet.

I say ‘yet’ because everytime I tell someone who is older and has children that I don’t want kids, they look at me with a knowing smile and say “Ohhhhh, you will.” This scares the bejesus out of me.

I don’t mind kids. They seem to like me, I’m good at playing with them and I love my baby niece. But I have no desire to have children. The idea that my womanly organs will eventually become louder than my brain and, despite my better judgment, I will be overcome with the need to have a child is scary.

I hope I remain childless by choice.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 6:42 pm

31 On November 18th, 2009, cggirl said:

Thanks for the wonderful replies! Haven’t finished reading but I had to respond to Kelly -

Kelly, your post is wonderful and you make excellent points. Also you are right that it’s a personal choice. Like rachel said so well, I was just sharing my thought process. Maybe I should’ve said “I” instead of “we all”. I just meant that in theory the human race could help it’s future by limiting procreation, but I don’t actually expect us to. And even if I did adopt, to be green and/or to help a child in need, I wouldn’t judge anyone else for not doing so. Also, I doubt I will, and in my case – i think it is because I am selfish. (that doesn’t mean I think that of you or anyone else.)
also, yes, my parents choice to have me was not “green” and I have no problem thinking that.
Anyway I aplogize if I made it sound like u r not Eco-friendly if you have babies, I don’t think that. (also, even if one makes one choice that isn’t so environmentally friendly, that may be offset by a million other choices they make – which is another reason we shouldn’t judge…)
Sorry to ramble so much…

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 6:53 pm

32 On November 18th, 2009, cggirl said:

Oh, also, even in my theoretical world – there’d be no point in ALL of us ONLY adopting. Rather, we could have only one child, Maybe two, and adopt all the unwanted children… But this is all interesting thoughts in my head. I never meant to pressure or judge someone else to base decisions on that, I only wanted to admit to myself what my beliefs are about what I “should” do for the greater good and where I consciously decide okay, for my own ease or happiness I don’t do that. (similarly, I don’t judge others for eating meat. But I feel I shouldn’t due to my personal beliefs. But sometimes I break down and eat a little bit anyway, and I forgive myself… If that makes any sense.)

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 7:03 pm

33 On November 18th, 2009, Blimp said:

No kids? No future for humanity. No one available to care for the elderly. On the other hand, we’re humans, not beasts, and there is no reason for any of us to desire savagery or slavery. The present political environment makes it exceedingly difficult to earn enough money honestly to properly raise even one child to civilized adulthood. So, perhaps the best thing to do is to fight for economic justice, and not have any kids unless and until victory is achieved.

Kids are not “bad for the environment”! Civilized people improve the environment. They quench forest fires, curb flooding, store fresh water, irrigate in time of drought, and even green the desert. Civilized people have also demonstrated the potential to bring life to barren planets. Further development of our extra-terrestrial and nuclear propulsive capabilities could enable us to deflect an asteroid, thereby saving our earth from a great catastrophe. At very least, nuclear power, maglev rail transport, communication networks, good telescopes and a good knowledge of astrophysics would enable us to forecast the impact and evacuate the area that would be destroyed by the impact, and help the rest of the earth deal with the indirect effects and recover more quickly. Equally important, of course, is peace and goodwill among humans, and general prosperity.

Justice unlocks the creative potential of the human mind. The greatest injustice in the world today is our submission to a world-wide empire of money, a.k.a. “globalization”, “free trade”, “deregulation”, “privatization”, “fiscal responsibility”, and now the endless tribute that we pay to the gods of the market in the form of “bailouts”. The only limit to the growth of humanity and our spread throughout the galaxy and beyond, along with all of the living creatures we carry with us, is cowardice.

Where is the spirit of JFK? JFK was the last American President with the guts to give orders to money rather than take orders from money. MLK Jr. demonstrated the same courage, in even greater measure; not so the many who claim to be his followers! Rather than submit to the Satanic dictates of “fiscal responsibility”, these men practiced responsibility for human life.

So, if you’re prepared to offer your children the same kind of mission orientation that JFK and MLK Jr. and their wives gave to theirs, i.e., if having children won’t stop you from being great, or compel you to stop your husband from being great, please go ahead and have children. But if you’re like me, let the fools procreate, because becoming a slave, submitting to globalization, dropping out of the political fight, in order to be able to keep a job that will pay the cost of raising a child, is far too high a price to pay!

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 7:23 pm

34 On November 18th, 2009, Kelly said:

TropicalChrome wrote:

“I’ve been called selfish among other things, but after reading over the comments about people with one child being called selfish and people with multiple children also being called selfish, you just can’t win.”

Yeah, no kidding. And I notice these labels get thrown a hell of a lot more at women than the males who sired / parent the children in question.

cggirl, thank you for the clarification. Using first person voice is always a great idea when talking about values! Unless you truly believe that yes, we ALL should do this or that.

And again, thanks for a great post.

Tangentially, I was scared of and grossed out by babies, hated kids, and had no interest whatsoever. I got pregnant and had a kid (so much for planning, although to be fair even if I didn’t plan the pregnancy I obviously made a self-assessment and CHOSE to have the child) and all that baby-fearing and kid-hating changed within me when it came to my own children. And I do see other people’s children differently than I did before having my own. I am still not a big baby cuddler or just LOVE all things kid-related. To think that’s true of all mothers is ridiculous.

After having kids I’ve seen a world open up – not just my personal, physical, and spiritual life, but I’ve seen how badly we judge mamas and how f-d up some of our cultural expectations are on moms and their kids (in addition to, as I spoke before, the privilege bestowed on certain kinds of familial normative forms). That world has been a shock to me. I would ask those who choose to abstain from motherhood, good for you, and continue to stick up for yourselves – and I will stick up for you as well! But please don’t quit looking at the messages constantly being pushed on moms and female caregivers, because there is some real toxic shit out there and we need EVERYONE’s help to correct.

I have really enjoyed reading the comments here.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 8:23 pm

35 On November 18th, 2009, J.S. said:

I’m a mother of three, all with special needs–autism spectrum related. So I have the good and the bad, and a lot more of the bad than parents with typically developing kids have. I won’t insult you with some blather about “but when they smile at you it’s all so worthwhile” blah blah blah sentimentblah. I had my first child when I was twenty, and three years later he began sleeping through the night on a regular basis. Yup. No amount of smiles could’ve made up for three years of sleep deprivation–good thing I wasn’t counting on that.

For me, the process of parenthood–because it is a process, if you let it be, not a role–has led me to a realization of my best and worst. It has brought me face-to-face with my darkest heart, and it has renewed my recognition of my inner strength. It has made me dependent on others in a way I could not have conceived beforehand, but only because I chose to give in to their generosity. It has been a trial by fire and an initiation into grace. It has not been my salvation, but I have allowed it to make me whole. (And no, I do not mean that those who choose not to have children are somehow less than whole. I mean that this process has made me work toward wholeness faster and far more furiously than I would have done on my own.)

I believe the world would be better if some individuals chose not to have children–the news is filled with the horrors they perform upon their own offspring. Unfortunately, those people tend to be incapable of self-reflection, self-control, or prevention.

I have friends who have made the choice to not procreate. However, as I’ve expressed to my friends, the reservations I feel about their decision stem not from a misguided desire for us to all “belong to the same club,” or a misguided notion of selfishness in childlessness. It is because their decisions are based in fear. Fear of getting fat again, if they’ve lost weight. Fear of not measuring up to the standards in their own heads. Fear of proving to be as poor a parent as their mother or father was. Fear of a future breakup with their significant other. Fear, even, of having children like mine, although ten years into the journey they’ll admit that those troublesome rugrats have turned, are turning into, amazing human beings. (I don’t get offended. I was there for my children’s infancies too, I remember how hard it was.) Fear that their children will turn into the burdens that my friends’ parents made them feel they were. Fear. I don’t believe that fear should ever be the basis for a life-impacting choice. I don’t believe that fear can be the basis for a completely rational decision.

I suppose that is what my rambling is leading to. I find it interesting that this issue has cropped up on a website that also focuses on eating disorders and distorted body image. As someone who has struggled with binge eating herself, I cannot help but wonder how much of the decision to not have children can sometimes spring from the same factors that led to the eating disorder. (And I am not saying there’s a causal link between the two.) If a decision to remain child-free stems from objective self-analysis, from self-knowledge, from a realization that such a thing is not meant to be, then that is that. But if it is arising from fear, then I feel sad that a woman would close and deadbolt the door of her life to the experience based on such a motivation; I truly believe that fear is a life-constrictor.

So. That’s all. And I apologize if, in my ignorance, I’ve said something offensive. I promise, it wasn’t intentional, and I hope you’ll call me on it so I can learn.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 8:48 pm

36 On November 18th, 2009, JennyRose said:

Good points JS. I had a lot of fear. One of the reasons I didn’t want a baby was fear of gaining weight and fear of pregnancy and labor. I didn’t gain much weight, I had an easy if unhappy pregnancy and a fast not too bad labor. I was also afraid of an epidural. I opted for heavy narcotics. I figured there had to be something between a needle in my spine and nothing. Still, I never want to be pregnant again.

To those of you who don’t want kids and are worried that things may change, so what. You are allowed to change. I feel bad for some of my friends who dreamed of having a traditional families and for a variety of reasons could not make it happen. Meeting the right person to parent with isn’t easy and many women have fertility problems.

Many of my friends were shocked when I told them I was pg. Several friends said they thought they should be the one to be pg because they actually wanted kids. Others just couldn’t get the fact that I, (of all people I guess) would have a baby. One friend who really wanted kids but had no job, no money, no partner and a completely disorganized life told me she really thought she would have a baby before me. These comments were surprisingly not hurtful. It was strange that I was having a baby and it was not something I ever thought I would do.

Oh yeah – to those who are afraid of poop, vomit etc. My dog was much worse. Once when he was sick or ate something bad, he pooped, ate the poop and then vomited. A baby was easy after that. I don’t have a dog anymore if that means anything.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 9:42 pm

37 On November 18th, 2009, Blimp said:

Correction: JFK was the last President of the United States … The bold action of José López Portillo, President of Mexico, in 1982 and before is also worthy of the highest praise.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 10:20 pm

38 On November 19th, 2009, JennyRose said:

@blimp – I am not sure what you mean about JFK. He was a big proponent of individual and corporate income tax cuts to increase investment, spending and ultimately government revenue. His social views were liberal but his economic views were moderate to conservative. In current terms, a blue dog democrat. Except on the most general level, I don’t understand how this relates to the decision to have a family.

——————————————————————————–

“Lower rates of taxation will stimulate economic activity and so raise the levels of personal and corporate income as to yield within a few years an increased – not a reduced – flow of revenues to the federal government.”

– John F. Kennedy, Jan. 17, 1963, annual budget message to the Congress, fiscal year 1964

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

39 On November 19th, 2009, mccn said:

@Frances, #30 – I can tell you, I hear this all the time. I’m now 30 – supposedly, that biological urge is supposed to kick in and change my convictions. Especially now that many of the women I know are having babies.

Hasn’t happened yet! And I don’t believe it will. Even if I do feel an urge to have a family, occasionally, due to changes in my body, I know that my convictions and thinking on this issue will support me in my decisions and help me not to give in to those temporary feelings; I will recognize those urges for what they are – biology-driven, not internally driven.

@Blimp, #33, and others – no kids = no elder care? Where do you live? Currently, in the U.S., many elderly people are not cared for by children, but my nursing and retirement home staff. Many never see their children. Anecdotal evidence abounds here – and so does statistics. This is only going to increase for persons of my generation; families no longer live in the same state, or even country; it is even harder to care for elderly parents, especially those with dementia or subsantial medical needs, when you live very far apart.

There is no guarantee that if you have children, they will support you in your dotage – and indeed, I think that good parents make that clear; children have their own life to live. As a childless adult, I plan and save for my retirement expenses, including meeting my needs for custodial care (nonmedical, daily living assistance), and I vote for and support politicians who are likely to pass legislation supporting the elderly. To me, that is a much better route – and benefiting more people – than having children in the wild hopes they’ll meet my every need when I’m 80.

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 12:48 pm

40 On November 19th, 2009, Alyssa (The 40 year-old) said:

I really don’t understand the assumption of “Well, now you’re married, time to start poppin’ out the kids.” Granted, I’m married and have 2 kids, but my husband abd I BOTH wanted to have them. Now we’re 40, our kids are 8 and 6, and we don’t want to have more. We adore our kids. We just fine with 2.
Early on in our marriage there was pressure from some quarters to have 3 or 4. There was also pressure on me, during my first pregnancy, to have a natural childbirth. Yeah, right! I was in labor for 23 1/2 hours, and that was WITH the epidural!
But I digress.
Some people want 17 kids. Some people don’t want any. Isn’t it their own decision to make?
And I just LOVE it (heavy sarcasm here) when men start talking about the “natural” mothering instinct that ALL women possess!
Gimme a break! How many children a person does or doesn’t have is no one else’s friggin’ business. Period.

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 2:01 pm

41 On November 19th, 2009, Alyssa (The 40 year-old) said:

OK, sorry, one last thought: why is it selfish to NOT give your parents grandchildren? Are they gonna be getting up six times a night to feed the baby? Buying the clothes/books/toys/food, etc.? Is it the grandparents who will sit up all night when the kids are sick, or late coming home from a night out? NO! It’s the parents!
Seems to me that people who pressure their kids to have kids are the ones being selfish.

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 2:05 pm

42 On November 19th, 2009, merri said:

When I was young, I planned on marrying and having kids, because that’s what everyone was ‘supposed’ to do. I was going to have the first child by 25. As I got older, I realized that I really didn’t want to have kids (and not sure still about marrying). Its not selfish, because there are PLENTY of other people who do want to. I don’t feel I could support them or take care of them well enough. I can’t wait to be an aunt, but no desire to be a mom, despite the push from my father for me to have one (and for my sister to, esp since she got married…she’s waiting a year or two). My mother told me her greatest accomplishment was having us children. Some parents, ive noticed, center their lives around the kids, some incorporate the kids into their lives so that everyone still has fun and stays sane. If I did want to have kids, the latter way would be the way I’d want to do it.

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 6:01 pm

43 On November 20th, 2009, wellroundedmama said:

I was deeply ambivalent about having kids when I was younger. Decided at one point I would not be having any. Decided later that I’d consider it but really thought I’d make a lousy parent so maybe a baby wasn’t such a great idea. I did experience some baby lust after I turned 30 or so, but still remained deeply ambivalent about whether I’d be a decent parent, about newborns in general, and about interrupting my career for children.

I had my first pregnancy at 33 (an oops but we were open to the possibility of kids at that point) and have to say I went through it scared to death. It was a very medicalized pregnancy and birth and not a great experience in many ways, so that didn’t help. Neither did colic for four solid months.

And yet. I could not believe how MUCH I loved that baby, and how maternal I became all of a sudden. I never had much attraction to babies in my 20s, more of an active anti-attraction to babies. But after I had one, suddenly I “got” how to handle babies and actually enjoyed them. And I found ways to improve my pregnancies and births so they were not as hard, and that helped me consider the possibility of more as well.

They say it’s different when it’s your own baby, and generally I find that to be true. Probably not for everyone because heaven knows there are some terrible parents out there, but generally I think most people find that they are able to handle the stinky diapers and the crying and all because we generally have a built-in biological mechanism that pre-disposes most of us to fixate on and adore our babies. What you may be averse to in someone else’s baby you may be able to tolerate in your own baby because you have this bone-deep connection, this intense love that’s incredibly unexplainable. I never could have imagined how intensely I would feel about my own kids; it’s just life-changing. It’s THAT amazing for many people.

That said, I want to make it clear I honor people’s decisions. I have many childless-by-choice friends and I rejoice that this is a real choice now, and I honor their decision that parenthood isn’t right for them. Just because I was deeply ambivalent about kids and then found I was surprisingly in love with having them later on doesn’t mean you or anyone else would. You have to make the choice that’s right for you. But it is possible to be ambivalent about it and then come to love it too. And it is possible to be ambivalent about it and yet have deciding against kids be the right choice as well.

But yeah, the pressure on women is so intense re: kids, and it doesn’t really matter what your status is….there’s always someone to tell you it’s wrong and you need to change. When I was childless, the pressure to have a kid was INTENSE. When I finally had one kid, the pressure to have another was just INSANE. I couldn’t believe how invested people were in making sure I had that second kid. But then when I had a second, the pressure to STOP was just as intense. People thought I was totally nuts to consider more. And once I had three, the pressure not to have more REALLY kicked into high gear. There were a LOT of people (including in-laws) who really laid the guilt and pressure on HARD to stop having kids.

You just can’t win on these decisions. You will never make other people happy with your choices, so you have to focus on figuring out what’s right for you. And it’s okay to leave open the possibilities for yourself and figure it out as you go. Or not. It’s YOUR life.

Just thoughts from one woman’s journey all over the child spectrum.

posted on November 20th, 2009 at 8:26 am

44 On November 20th, 2009, Blimp said:

@JennyRose
JFK promoted investment tax credits, whose objective was to encourage investment in the means of production, not in leveraged buyouts and speculation. If properly administered (e.g., a tax break for an investment in a new metal stamping machine, but not for an investment in a casino), its effect on the economy will be beneficial. More important was his promotion of the space program and his opposition to the Vietnam War; the latter two where the chief reasons behind his assassination.

JFK’s economic program was not as bold as FDR’s, but his cultural and technological optimism was most enraging to our enemy, the British financial empire. I cite him as the last U.S. President who, on balance, told money what to do. Money does not want to explore space! Money wants to restore the plantation system, a static society with a static population, managed like a herd of cattle. The unleashing of human creativity and optimism which the space program caused is anathema to the money empire. Also, money loves perpetual war against a manufactured enemy, and was thus enraged both by JFK’s refusal to continue the Bay of Pigs operation and the Vietnam War.

This has everything to do with the decision whether to have children! What is our economic policy? What kind of future are we creating for our children? If you’re not born a slave on a plantation, you don’t want your children to be slaves, so you fight, and it’s generally not a good idea to have children while you’re in the trenches. Right now, we have to be in the trenches, because the economic policy is insane and cruel beyond belief. Bailouts! Unbridled speculation! Low taxes for the rich! No nuclear power! A space program that takes a back seat to concerns about our weight! Biofuels, instead of food! Cap & trade! Outsourcing, cheap labor, health care rationing, no vaccine — we’re on the short road to a world-wide holocaust! Our foreign policy, likewise, and also that of Europe, is bent toward submission to the world empire of money: e.g. the Lisbon Treaty, the war in Afghanistan.

posted on November 20th, 2009 at 10:57 am

45 On November 23rd, 2009, twincats said:

WendyRG, I’m really sorry your experience being an only child was not what you wanted.

I’m a childless-by-choice only child myself and my childhood was only marred by the people who didn’t know me who speculated that I must be spoiled because of my only-ness (with MY mom? As if!!) Luckily, I didn’t let them get to me, even at the tender age of six.

Truthfully, I desperately wanted siblings at the age of five because two of my neighborhood playmates had baby brothers at the time. By the time I hit seven, my friends were getting into trouble because the baby did this or that and they were ‘supposed to be watching him’ or that he can hit or take away stuff because he ‘doesn’t know better.’ I quit cajoling my mom pretty quickly after that and counted my only-child blessings from then on!

Anyway, it’s not hell for everyone by a long shot! And some people, like a current friend of mine would have been a lot better off as an only; she never got along with her sister and two brothers and still doesn’t to this day.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 6:48 pm

46 On November 23rd, 2009, Crimson Wife said:

I like kids, but I am definitely not a baby person, especially newborns.

I’ve always loved older babies & kids (used to work as a nanny, have 3 of my own) but I don’t like newborns either. What’s there to love about an alien-looking creature who can’t do anything but cry, eat, pee & poop, and sleep? Fortunately because of the hormones I can tolerate my own until they get to the stage where they’re more responsive & cute.

Not every woman is called to be a mother. Those of us who are deserve more respect than we currently get from society. But we also need to give more respect to women who recognize that motherhood isn’t for them.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 pm

47 On November 23rd, 2009, hsofia said:

I had my first (and only) child at 32 years old. One year later, I love my child and wouldn’t trade her for anything. But honestly, my advice to any couple on the fence about it – especially a couple over 30 – don’t feel the need to have a child. It’s okay to NOT have a child. Having a child creates stress, changes the dynamics of your relationship, and makes certain life choices extremely difficult (if not impossible). It’s also very expensive (even if you are not materialistic, if you want to give your child certain advantages – be it a parent who stays home or a high quality education, or their own bedroom). In any case, the older you get the more you get attached to the life you’ve always had, and its freedoms.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 pm

48 On November 24th, 2009, Lee said:

I am an only child, and I have always wished for a brother or sister.
As for the people here who say their only child is fine, how do you know? Can you read your child’s mind? And things change as you get older, and your child is alone.
It’s never the same as having a sibling compared to friends and other family. I’m just saying, don’t talk for your child.

posted on November 24th, 2009 at 4:47 pm

49 On November 27th, 2009, mccn said:

@Lee – that’s a good point, that parents should always talk to their children to help them understand what their children want and what might be best for them (although, certainly, sometimes children want things that are not realistic or possible or because they have misunderstood.) Generally, though, I think it is possible that some people would like siblings, and others would not. I grew up with a brother who was diagnosed as a clinical psychopath in his teens; I always wished that I had had no siblings, because living with mine created such stress and difficulty and misery growing up. There’s no right answer on how many children – if any – any one family should have.

posted on November 27th, 2009 at 12:00 pm