Open post: “Am I a feminist?”

13th November 2009

Open post: “Am I a feminist?”

posted in Body Image, Body Politic, Eating Disorders, Feminist Topics, Rachel |

Amethyst22 wrote a very poignant wondering-out-loud kind of post this week on Feministing’s community blog that I thought would make for good conversation here. She writes:

I’m a feminist.

I believe women are all beautiful no matter what their size shape or color.

But I can’t believe I’m beautiful.

I am an activist for women’s reproductive rights. I’m so proud of what I do and don’t care if others oppose my beliefs.

Why am I desperate for my parents to approve what I do? They never will. I’m ashamed to even talk to them about my activism–I fear their response.

I hate how women think they have to be thin to be beautiful.

But sometimes I don’t eat.

And sometimes I can’t stop eating, it’s like a drug and I am ashamed of myself.

I think the women in advertisements have been photoshopped to “perfection” and it’s sad that’s what we expect women to look like.

But sometimes I wish did look like them.

I’m a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman.

I don’t always believe it.

Am I a feminist?

I’ve identified as a feminist since the age of 12 and yet these are some of the same contradictions I struggled (and to a lesser degree, still do) with during my eating disorder. I’m sure there are others out there who’ve also wrestled with these same kinds of inner conflicts. Tell us about them and how you’ve managed (or not managed) to resolve them…

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This entry was posted on Friday, November 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm and is filed under Body Image, Body Politic, Eating Disorders, Feminist Topics, Rachel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On November 13th, 2009, karen said:

I have always strongly identified as a feminist. But there are days when I “feel fat,” or when I think about choices I’ve made to fit in with the dominant (patriarchal) culture…in short, moments, days, or even years in which I fall short of my feminist ideals. But underlying all of this is a strong respect for the women of the world, a belief in the equality of all sentient beings, and a willingness to examine my world rather than taking it at face value.
We are bombarded with anti-feminist–hell, anti-humanist– messages. It would be a rare individual who never falls prey to those messages. And sometimes we have damage that has to be healed, damage that gets in the way of being who or how we want to be. That doesn’t nullify our feminism.
Most of us are doing the best we can. We have to try to educate ourselves and correct problems and situations when we (safely) can, but mostly, we have to love and forgive ourselves, something which takes a lot of practice, in my experience.
I’m an imperfect feminist. But I AM a feminist. And I think: so are you.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

2 On November 13th, 2009, Meems said:

Exactly. I’m a feminist. I don’t ever question that. But I do struggle with knowing that I’ve spent my life bombarded with the message that I should look a certain way (thin), act a certain way (demure), be a certain way (feminine, sensual, sexy, yet not a “slut” or a “whore”). It’s hard for me to reconcile appreciating male attention with wanting to be appreciated for more than the fact that I have large breasts; recognizing that I have a “desirable” body type (hourglass) with feeling like I’m still too big. It’s difficult to live in this culture without absorbing some of these views.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm

3 On November 13th, 2009, kb said:

you don’t have to be perfect to be a feminist. Very very few people are able to make every choice 100% feminist, and very very few people want to. That’s okay-you can still be a feminist even if you make compromises to get along. we all do. That doesn’t disqualify anyone.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm

4 On November 13th, 2009, Blue said:

Yes, you are a feminist, because you hold feminist beliefs and even engage in activism on behalf of those beliefs. We all have days where we don’t follow our ideals, or lack self-esteem, or lack faith in our beliefs. Feminism isn’t the end of the road, some enlightened state of being – it’s a process, a journey, a challenge. Detours and contradictory feelings (about anything, not just feminism) are human, perhaps even a necessary part of being a individual who thinks about the world.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 6:31 pm

5 On November 13th, 2009, Miriam Heddy said:

It was feminist theory (people like Susan Bordo and Jean Kilbourne) that first got me into FA, so… yeah, I’m a feminist (though sometimes, some people in the feminist movement make me want to use another word). And I tend to boggle at people who say, “I’m not a feminist but I’m a FA,” because I think it’s really hard to understand the reasons behind fat-hatred without looking at the ways that it plays into and intersects with and is defined with misogyny.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 6:35 pm

6 On November 13th, 2009, Joy-Mari Cloete said:

I’m a feminist. We all have our anti-feminist moments, just as we all have our racist/ableist/homophobic moments. It’s how you deal with it really matters.

Hmmm. I feel a blog post approaching…

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 6:36 pm

7 On November 13th, 2009, Heather said:

Thanks for linking that post. It’s really hard for me to keep up with all the awesome discussions over at the Feministing Community, but this one really struck a chord with me. I’ve found myself questioning the same things. There’s no doubt that I am a feminist, but I question WHY I’m doing the things I’m doing. For me, I have a big problem with the intersection of nutrition/feminism/body acceptance because there are all three things that are very important to me, but I have moments where I feel like being a super healthy eater who wants to accept and honor and love all bodies but sometimes wanting to lose weight makes me a really crappy feminist. And then I quickly get over it, because it’s my life and if someone wants to judge me for it, then so be it. I think we all do the best we can and nobody is perfect.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

8 On November 13th, 2009, Samantha said:

Amethyst22 I know.
I know what it’s like to be frothing at the mouth at the way women are excpected to look & behave.
You are a feminist, no feminist is perfect. You are only human, and so am I.

I’ve not eaten, eaten too much & poked & proded at every cell of fat on my body.
It’s a daily fight, a fight against the greater society that binds me, and against the thoughts & compulsions in my head that binds me.

You can’t simply shut off these thoughts just because you know they’re irrational.
I don’t think anyone would tell you that as soon as you get over your body issues then you’ll be a feminist.

posted on November 13th, 2009 at 10:12 pm

9 On November 14th, 2009, Crimson Wife said:

I have a difficult time with the “feminist” label because of how much I oppose the prevailing POV when it comes to issues of sexual morality. I believe that sex is a sacred gift and the only proper place for it is between a husband and his wife. I’m against abortion and while I don’t have a problem with married couples using barrier contraceptives or surgical sterilization if they choose, I personally choose Natural Family Planning.

I get so upset at how much attention, time, money, and effort is spent by feminist activists on the “hot button” issues related to sex. There are SOOOOO many other issues affecting women that IMHO ought to be higher priorities- reducing maternal mortality in developing nations, stopping the trafficking and exploitation of women and girls, making sure every girl has the opportunity to have a decent education, expanding women’s suffrage and other basic rights in the Arab world, ending forced abortions and sterilizations in China, getting paid maternity leave here in the U.S., ensuring that moms have the legal right to breastfeed in public and take pumping breaks in all states, etc.

posted on November 14th, 2009 at 1:27 am

10 On November 14th, 2009, WendyRG said:

I have been a feminist since reading Betty Friedan at age 15 in 1971. I wear the title proudly and despair at how it has become a dirty word for younger women who have no idea how hard their mothers fought to get them what they take for granted (and are in fact losing) today.

This being said, I am only human, like everyone else. I struggle with my feelings towards my weight, my aging body, my behaviour (too demure? too angry?)–everything that previous commenters have talked about. But I am still a feminist.

I’d just like to respond to Crimson Wife concerning her impression that feminists concentrate too much on sex. All the issues she mentioned after lamenting this excessive concentration on sex are in fact directly related to the fact that our society still wants to control women’s bodies and their choice (or not) to reproduce. And that is all about sex.

posted on November 14th, 2009 at 1:33 pm

11 On November 14th, 2009, G said:

I do not believe anyone has a claim on what it “means” to be feminist, but understand that it feels so backward to embrace a movement while hating your body (or at least it feels that way to me).

But by just acknowledging that body hatred is a bi-product of living in the world we live in, you are aspiring to change that truth for yourself. It’s the very rare woman (especially young woman) who is able to just love her body and not be influenced by the supermodels, Disney princesses, and Barbies we all grew up with.

No one can just learn to love their body overnight – am teaching myself to accept my body, be proud of the things it can do, and trust that loving my body (or thinking it beautiful) will come in time.

posted on November 14th, 2009 at 5:03 pm

12 On November 15th, 2009, InTheWild said:

“Feminist”, like so many other things in my life, is a journey, not a destination. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other on my journey, and as long as I try to correct when I get off the path (whether I notice it immediately or sometime down the road), then I am still on the journey. Some days I go slower than others; sometimes I am more easily distracted than others; sometimes I move with the force of a person on a massive mission.

posted on November 15th, 2009 at 7:42 am

13 On November 15th, 2009, rachel with a little "r" said:

How interesting. I’ve been thinking about this but unable to put it into words. I read a post on Shapely Prose, an old one, (I’m metaphorically binging on their archives, as I tend to do on really good blogs, this one included,) where Kate explained why “FA is fine for everyone else except ME, I MUST lose weight” comments will not be published; (if x is unacceptable for you, then you’re telling other women that x is unacceptable for them, too.) So, between that, and this here, I’ve realized something very frightening…

If every individual feminist endorses various freedoms (from dieting, from social approval, from compulsory pregnancy, from marriage, from leg-shaving, from whatever,) for other women, but not for themselves, then every individual woman still lives under oppression. It’s nifty and convenient, because it is internal. It requires no effort from outside forces, making it much easier for the outsiders who benefit from the oppression. Not to mention that by personally subscribing to the patriarchal ideals, a woman implicitly expresses that patriarchal values are better than feminist values: after all, if feminist values were better, wouldn’t a woman choose to live by them? (Of course, it’s never that simple; we live in a society that constantly validates patriarchal values, but not feminist ones.)

“It’s fine for other women not to worry about such things, but I MUST,” results in ALL women having to worry about such things, because it’s not just SOME feminists/women who struggle against and sometimes subscribe to this sentiment.

posted on November 15th, 2009 at 3:41 pm

14 On November 16th, 2009, Joy-Mari Cloete said:

rachel with a little “r”, I have a friend — or an ex-friend, depending on how he feels after today — who is fat. And I try to do some FA evangelising but he has so much internalised hatred of his body. I feel like a missionary who’s trying to convert a ‘wayward’ tribe who has no interest in listening to the gospel…

posted on November 16th, 2009 at 10:55 am

15 On November 16th, 2009, Gogol said:

I love this blog. But I have been wondering about the mantra in some FA and body acceptance speak about thinking all bodies are beautiful. I find it conceptually difficult to think of all people as beautiful, because after all, if everyone is beautiful no one is. Here is my thought–what if it wasn’t important for everyone to be beautiful? What if you could love yourself and have a good life and still think that some people were more beautiful than you? Maybe much more beautiful! Just like there are people who are richer, more talented, uglier, smarter, stupider, funnier, etc. etc. I think the idea that loving yourself has to mean you think you are beautiful denies real differences between people and also reaffirms the idea that women have to be beautiful to be valuable. Maybe not only do we need to re-think the demonization of the term fat, why not ugly or unattractive as well?

posted on November 16th, 2009 at 4:54 pm

16 On November 16th, 2009, Michelle said:

I realize that for many reasons – from culture-wide problems to my own mental health issues – I sometimes fall short of my own values. I try to forgive myself early and often, as I would forgive someone else with the same problems.

posted on November 16th, 2009 at 5:03 pm

17 On November 17th, 2009, Joy-Mari Cloete said:

Gogol, I get what you’re saying and I think it is a fantastic idea. However, fat people, and especially fat women, have been villified to death for not being attractive. So I get why some within the FA movement — cause I’m sure it isn’t everyone — tells people that we are ALL beautiful. And, to an extent, that IS true. We all have something beautiful about us.

I could be wrong here, so please bear with me. Could reclaiming ‘ugly’ or ‘unattractive’ come afterwards? Could it not come after fat people have built up their self esteem after years and years of being told they don’t fit the mould?

posted on November 17th, 2009 at 12:23 am

18 On November 17th, 2009, lass21hb said:

I remember being in elementary school and high school and knowing I was not like other girls. I was athletic and a “tomboy” – small chested and skinny. I did not feel confident in my social skills because of the fear of what others thought of me and the way I looked.

In college I finally realized that my success was more determined on what I thought of myself because if I thought I was beautiful and confident then I would be successful. My mom always said that “how you see yourself is how others will see you”. She was right. My confidence now is greatly improved in my 20s because I am less worried about what others think and I am not always comparing myself to other women.

Getting the confidence was one obstacle and keeping it is another obstacle I face everyday; but it is an obstacle I embrace. I know that those challenges make me a better person and a stronger woman.

I am now proud of the fact that I was not the popular big chested pretty girl in high school. I think those challenges I faced in school helped develop the person I am today.

posted on November 17th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

19 On November 18th, 2009, Mia said:

What a great discussion. I don’t want to repeat too much of what others have said but I too frequently don’t follow my own feminist ideals. I tell my sister and friends everyday that they are beautiful and I frequently voice my concerns over the beauty myth and cultural conceptions of that. Yet, I cannot apply it to my own life. I know that I’m not hideous, but I do not believe I am beautiful. And as a result I cannot seem to remove that programming that I am unattractive therefore no one will ever love me (other than family of course). I’ll be 23 in a few months and I’ve never dated and that ability I learned in 3rd grade – to turn off that part of me that finds men attractive – is still an active part of my day. I have no idea how to overcome that and no amount of feminist theory has been able to help that.

posted on November 18th, 2009 at 6:34 pm

20 On November 19th, 2009, Joy-Mari Cloete said:

@Mia: did you read Gogol’s comment?

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 12:06 am

21 On November 19th, 2009, mccn said:

The sections of the FA community with which I am familiar, Gogol, do endorse that viewpoint. We can’t dictate what others find attractive – it’s hard even to change our own attractions. And we might very well go through our lives finding white, thin, big-breasted women attractive – and that’s OK.

There is a difference between sexual attraction, or personal attraction, and appreciation of or tolerance for, another’s body. I don’t have to find everyone beautiful. But I do have to treat them equally and not discriminate based on their appearance, or assume things about them for that reason. And I can work to be more open to different types of faces and bodies and look for the beauty in them.

I think that’s a complex message. But a good one.

posted on November 19th, 2009 at 12:55 pm

22 On November 20th, 2009, Gogol said:

I think it is diffcult for people, especially straight women, to consider themselves sexually appealing if they do not consider themselves beautiful in a fairly narrow model of beauty. While there are many men who love and cherish women of all shapes and sizes, the language still emphasizes that this woman is beautiful to the man. I’m torn when a female friend feels unloveable because she feels unattractive. Something seems wrong by simply saying “Oh no, you ARE attractive”…For one, it might be the case that men in general aren’t interested in dating her because she doesn’t fit within a standard notion of beauty. I feel hesistant to insist that this isn’t true–I would definitely say it shouldn’t be true or these men really should get to know people before deciding they are datable or not…Second, I feel like it just reinforces the ideal that the only way to live with a culture where female beauty is idolized is to continue to talk about female beauty, just now in a more “inclusive” way. The last part I feel strongly about but the first part not so much. Maybe helping someone feel attractive helps her to feel happy with her sexuality, to have more self-confidence.

posted on November 20th, 2009 at 1:47 pm

23 On November 20th, 2009, Rachel said:

@Gogol: You raise some important points, but if fat acceptance has taught us anything, it’s that looks matter. Joy Mari-Cloete is right: Fat people, especially fat women, have been told for much of their lives that they’re ugly and undesirable and that they’re not as worthy of love, respect or acceptance as non-fat people. I remember having an epiphany about a year after I graduated high school in which I realized that I had truly come to believe that I deserved to be harassed and discriminated against just because I was fat and passively accepted that my weight made me a second-class citizen. Body acceptance activists promote the “everyBODY is beautiful” mantra because as Joy noted, it’s true. There’s something beautiful to be found in everyone, even if it is not outwardly apparent.

posted on November 20th, 2009 at 2:31 pm

24 On November 20th, 2009, november said:

@ Gogol” Thank you very much for your comments. They made my day!

posted on November 20th, 2009 at 2:41 pm

25 On November 23rd, 2009, sarah said:

I am an eating-disordered feminist. Period. It is a disorder. It’s incurable. End of story.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 1:20 am

26 On November 23rd, 2009, Amy (No More Thinspo) said:

I identify with this strongly.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 4:07 pm

27 On November 23rd, 2009, Crimson Wife said:

@ rachel with a little “r”: If the woman consented to have sex, then it’s not “compulsory pregnancy”. She CHOSE to engage in behavior that she knew could result in a pregnancy. If pregnancy was completely unacceptable to her for some reason, then she ought to have abstained from sex. Period.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm

28 On November 23rd, 2009, Rachel said:

@Crimson Wife: I think reproductive rights is a little off-topic here, but surely you’re not saying that a woman’s right to make the best medical decision for herself is denied her the moment she consents to have sex.

posted on November 23rd, 2009 at 10:28 pm

29 On November 23rd, 2009, rachel with a little "r" said: