As for gatherings of women, I’ve never liked gender-segregated events. Everything seems forced, fundamentals disregarded, e.g., men have great insights too; the child is a result of egg and sperm, female and male, usually coitus — If there’s a spiritual aspect, it should recognize the carnal, like we could all act out scenes from the original wicker man. Really though, i’m hoping the upcoming shower with friends will be just a celebration, with all genderIDs present and accounted for, with mimosas, vegan extravagances, running around, twister, singing and maybe a little fire… that the gifts are things only my weird-ass friends could come up with and that we have a whole lot of fun reinforcing our bond as people who know and care for each other, who were there before, who will be there after. People my son will get to know, who he’ll tease and be tickled by, who he’ll love and shun and learn to love again as he grows and reinvents himself right along with the rest of us.

I do like the idea of doing something nice for the mother as opposed to being focused on the new arrival. If it had occurred to me, I would have sooner bought my friend a gift card to a spa for a prenatal massage or something along those lines or offered to provide her and her boyfriend a meal when the baby arrived than buying parts of a layette or breast cream (both of which were on the registry). I’m not much of a baby/small child person to begin with, so I’d sooner do something for my friend than for the kid anyway.

This is SO much more meaningful than a traditional baby shower. It’s much more spiritually-oriented and it really is much more about the mother than the baby. It’s about honoring the mother and preparing her emotionally for labor and motherhood, while still also acknowledging and anticipating the new life to come.

The beads on a necklace or bracelet thing is a staple of blessingways, and it really can be very meaningful to have this with you during labor, surrounding you with the love of friends and family. Another lovely tradition can be to paint the mother’s belly or hand with henna, or to do a belly cast. Or give the mother one symbolic small gift of something you wish for her during labor, like a power totem, a charm with a special saying, a good luck charm, or a religious symbol or something. Or the mother can list all the things she’s worried about during pregnancy and then give them away, one to each person present, and they can take over worrying and praying about these things for her so she can free up some emotional space for being fully present during labor. (I’ve seen this one being particularly powerful for women.)

Mother Blessings can be whatever you want to make of them. There are so many choices available. You can read more about blessingways at http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/blessingway.html and many other places on the internet. Just pick what appeals most to you and design your own ceremony.

Of course, some women want a traditional baby shower, or don’t know they have alternatives so they have a traditional shower with cutesy games cause that’s just “what you do.” And it is useful to get some baby gear ahead of time. So if you get invited to one of these traditional yuck-fests, just grin and bear it the best you can and do whatever you can to avoid the worst of the kitschy games. Remember that you are there for the mother and that it’s only a couple of hours out of your life. You can last that long.

But when it comes time for your own baby shower or the baby shower of a close friend who is open to alternatives, plan a blessingway instead and make it into something meaningful for the people involved. They really can be lovely.

If I ever have a baby shower, I fully plan to have a tea party like the Victorian ladies. There will be scones and pasteurized clotted cream, and absolutely no fake poop. I might also visit a few shrines and temples a la the ancient Egyptians. I don’t think I’ll ritually dispose of the placenta though.