Because friends don’t let friends ‘fat talk’

19th October 2009

Because friends don’t let friends ‘fat talk’

posted in Body Image, Body Snarking, Body-Affirming, Fat Bias, Rachel |

My butt is too big. I look so fat. I hate my body. She’s too fat to be wearing that dress. You look great — have you lost weight?

Sound familiar? If you’re a woman, chances are good that you’ve either regularly heard and/or even engaged in such toxic self-loathing otherwise known as fat talk. Studies have confirmed that women bond over fat talk and the more we partake in it, the more “normal” it becomes — but it doesn’t have to be. Today’s the first day of Fat Talk Free Week, a public awareness campaign organized by Tri Delta. Want to start trimming the fat from fat talk? Here’s some ways how:

Choose one friend or family member and discuss one thing you each like about yourself.

Keep a journal of all the good things your body allows you to do (e.g., sleep well and wake up rested, play tennis, etc.).

Pick one friend to make a pact with to avoid Fat Talk. When you catch your friend talking negatively about their body, remind them of the pact.

Make a pledge to end complaints about your body, such as “I’m so flat-chested” or “I hate my legs.” When you catch yourself doing this, make a correction by saying something positive about that body part, such as, “I’m so glad my legs got me through soccer practice today.” Sign the “Today I promise to eliminate fat talk” pledge (and Harriet Brown’s I Love My Body pledge).

The next time someone gives you a compliment, rather than objecting (“No, I’m so fat”), practice taking a deep breath and saying “thank you.”

It can be difficult not participating in fat talk — even I catch myself sometimes doing it with a coworker. Fat talk can feel instinctual, impulsive and sometimes even obligatory, so in the spirit of Joy Nash’s fabulous Staircase Wit, I thought it’d be nice to have a list of snappy comebacks and shut-downs handy. What are some effective ways to answer responses like these:

My arms are so fat. I hate my batwings.

Ugh, I need to lose XX pounds.

I can’t eat that — I’m on a diet.

My thighs are ginormous!

Everything I eat goes straight to my hips.

I could never pull that off — I’m too fat.

You look great — have you lost weight?

Please feel free to contribute other forms of fat talk you’ve heard and your suggested responses to them.

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This entry was posted on Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 10:35 am and is filed under Body Image, Body Snarking, Body-Affirming, Fat Bias, Rachel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

1 On October 19th, 2009, Bethface said:

When someone starts on that I try to change the subject. If I can’t I will point out a flaw that I have that I am trying to improve. Like if someone said “My butt is so big, I just hate it!” And then they look at me with that ok now you say something awful about yourself and we can bond because we each hate ourselves. I say something like “I tend to be to critical of people, I am really trying hard not to be so critical.”

Usually that puts them off their game.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 11:06 am

2 On October 19th, 2009, Karen said:

I’m not usually very good at this myself, but this is what came to mind, and thus what I would have replied if someone said these to me:

“My arms are so fat. I hate my batwings.” “Every time a niece or nephew leans on me to watch a movie, I appreciate my comfy arms all over again.”

“Everything I eat goes straight to my hips.” “You might want to see a doctor about that – it’s supposed to go to your stomach.”

“You look great — have you lost weight?” “Nope, I’m as fat and lovely as ever!”

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 11:53 am

3 On October 19th, 2009, Godless Heathen said:

When trying on clothes and rejecting them don’t say “I don’t look good in that” say “That doesn’t look good on me”. It may not fight right, it may be a weird color, but it’s the clothes that are failing you, not the other way around.

I’m cracking up over the video’s “turn up your sound” on the endfattalk link, no deaf or HoH Tri-Delts I guess. Definitely no visually impaired Tri-Delts, as when I did turn up the sound there was nothing but instrumental music instead of a voice over. Ending fat talk isn’t important for disabled women? Must not be. Maybe next year they’ll find a quarter for the clue machine.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 12:31 pm

4 On October 19th, 2009, Samantha said:

My mom tried to refrain from “fat talk” about herself because she knows about my eating disorder. But before she would do it alot, and I never knew what to say. And she sometimes will slip a comment in there, like “Oh I just want to get rid of THIS” while grabbing her stomach.
But you know what? I’m glad I saw this post today, the next time she says something like that I’ll SAY something instead of shake my head of scoff.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 12:32 pm

5 On October 19th, 2009, Lauren said:

What annoys and bothers me most about “fat talk” is that in my experience, 99% of the time the person complaining isn’t even remotely fat. And it makes me think “Hmmm, if going up to a size 6 since college makes you think you look gross, then what must you think of me at a size 10!” I don’t think people realize that by insulting themselves at whatever size they happen to be at, they are indirectly insulting other people who may or may not be around them at the time.

Usually if a friend of mine starts the “fat talk” spiral I respond by denying the claim and adding a compliment.

However, if I’m feeling particularly snarky I’ll either won’t say anything or will respond with “Awww, that sucks”. If the person is fishing for compliments that tends to shut them up.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 12:41 pm

6 On October 19th, 2009, Isabel said:

Bethface – I LOVE that idea!! I’m totally going to start doing that!! “Ugh my stomach is so big.” “I procrastinate a lot, but I’m getting better at it!” “My thighs are huuuge.” “Sometimes I forget to extend compassion and the benefit of the doubt to others, but I am trying to remember.” i am going to quote you on my blog because i love that idea so much!

I also really dig Karen’s responses!

I have always been really tempted to respond to fat talk/body hate talk by saying straight-up: “when you say things like that it makes me want to hurt myself.” but I am too nonconfrontational for that.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

7 On October 19th, 2009, Rachel said:

What annoys and bothers me most about “fat talk” is that in my experience, 99% of the time the person complaining isn’t even remotely fat.

I’ve heard both fat and thin women make these kinds of comments, but in my experiences, it seems like the decidedly non-fat women are fishing for reassurance that no, they aren’t fat. Fat talk therefore becomes a means of external reinforcement to shore up what are obviously very conflicted internal fears around weight gain and body image.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 1:21 pm

8 On October 19th, 2009, Emerald said:

To “You look great – have you lost weight?” my answer is generally along the lines of “No, I had my hair colored, do you like it?” Because, rather oddly, people tend to ask me if I’ve lost weight after I’ve been to the hair salon. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s some people’s default way of saying “I think your appearance has changed for the better but I can’t work out exactly how.”

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 4:06 pm

9 On October 19th, 2009, rachel with a little "r" said:

I like some of the thoughts people are sharing in this thread…the idea to reply by criticizing some non-physical aspect of yourself you want to improve, or bragging on yourself for something good that your “bad” body parts can do.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 4:47 pm

10 On October 19th, 2009, Suzanne said:

I have a friend at work–probably a size 0 or 2–who always goes on and on about how her legs are too skinny and her ass is too small, and how she wishes she were a little bit “thicker” like me. It baffles me to no end, especially since I’ve been struggling a bit with my recent weight gain. My response is typically a sad shaking of the head, and I’ll often point out the irony of her saying such a thing.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 5:02 pm

11 On October 19th, 2009, WendyRG said:

Excellent post and comments. Down with fat-talk!

When I haven’t lost weight, people who haven’t seen me in a while remark on how I’m looking slimmer. Does this mean I leave a “fat impression” with people? When I lose weight, people just usually say how great I look. Go figure.

I agree that the most egregious fat-talk usually comes from women who have no weight problem. I usually let them prattle and stay out of the conversation.

I myself am sometimes guilty of fat-talk, but I’m learning to rein myself in. I was over at a friend’s on the weekend and it seemed to me that she’d lost weight. I kept my mouth shut. She’s a wonderful person and her weight gain or loss are totally unimportant.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

12 On October 19th, 2009, June said:

I’ve been meaning to ask this question for a while…maybe people here can advise me.

I have a roommate who is a VERY physically and professionally accomplished person–she runs marathons every few months, has a degree in microbiology, is at the top of her class in law school–but she’s constantly hating on her body. She said she used to be anorexic, so I don’t want to step on her toes or set her off or anything, but sometimes she says the most hateful things about herself that I feel like I need to respond, things like “I’d kill myself if I got that fat again.” (I guess I also feel the need to respond because a lot of it is offensive to me as a person who is far larger than she ever was and I don’t see life as not worth living as a fat person…)

Anyway, I guess I’m just wondering how to respond to stuff like that.

posted on October 19th, 2009 at 11:37 pm

13 On October 20th, 2009, lilacsigil said:

I like to say, “Hey, think of all the good things your body does for you!” It’s size-neutral and tends to result in them changing the topic rather than arguing that their body is no good.

I’m one of the fattest people I know, and thin people still say “I’m so fat” around me. When I started in on FA, I realised that I could love and appreciate other fat bodies – including people fatter than me – while still thinking that *my* body was grotesquely fat and terribly ugly. I think the same thing is happening in the minds of thin(ner) people who say terribly things about their bodies in front of fat(ter) people – they really, honestly, make no connection between their body and your body. At that moment, you are just you, but they’re hideous, because they are under their own constant scrunity and criticism. This is not to say that the same person wouldn’t criticise another woman’s body at another time – the two problems are strongly linked, of course – but *their* body is at the forefront of their mind.

posted on October 20th, 2009 at 10:35 pm

14 On October 21st, 2009, merri said:

@suzanne as a small person, I understand your friend… some of us with small sizes tend to lack a “womanly” figure (butt, hips, breasts) and wish we had bigger of those assets (people frequently say I have the figure of a boy..hmm). While some people are hoping to lose inches off various parts of their bodies, others are hoping to gain them. Probably just because few people are happy with ourselves the way we are. I can (and do) envy that woman over there’s big butt while she is standing in the mirror thinking it looks too fat/big. It’s all in the perspective!

posted on October 21st, 2009 at 8:04 pm

15 On October 22nd, 2009, karen said:

I was over 200 lbs in high school (at 5′4) and thin girls would ALWAYS complain to ME about how fat they were – once I pointed out my size and the girl actually said “Oh, no! YOU aren’t fat, I AM”. I of course hated my body, but I would never ever complain out loud to someone like this “Oh, look how big my ass is! I’m so fat!” – To me, this would be a statement of fact and I was sure the response would be, “Yeah you are!” because I got teased relentlessly about my weight – people called me fat everyday.

I realized that with average/small sized girls this was a form of manipulation as the only answer that is desired, and expected is “Oh, no you’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” and indeed, this is generally the response.

When people say this to me now I just ignore it. I weigh 80lbs less than I did at my heaviest (240lb)(I’m around 160 now) and I am so happy to be somewhat average even if it is a size 13/14.

If you are and have always been “average” and especially if you have always naturally been a single digit size – be warned that when you talk about how fat you are, not only are you indirectly insulting everyone else the same size and larger, you are also broadcasting both your insecurity and manipulativeness.
Stop it!

Some days I almost feel like saying “Yeah, your ass does look pretty fat – and it’s kind of an ugly shape!”

Don’t even get me started about stretch marks! I’ve had them since I was 14!

posted on October 22nd, 2009 at 6:00 am

16 On October 22nd, 2009, karen said:

whoops! sorry for the double post, i’d better get to bed!

posted on October 22nd, 2009 at 6:01 am

17 On October 22nd, 2009, Thea said:

During a gym class, my instructor (who usually doesn’t make any such comments) said “This will be great for our terrible granny flaps!” (ie bat-wings) so I said “Hey, I love everything about my granny, especially her soft arms, I hope I end up just like her”. The instructor said “Your right, I love my granny too” and everyone started talking about how awesome their grannies are. So instead of dwelling on arm-dissatisfaction, everyone was thinking positive thoughts!

posted on October 22nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm

18 On October 23rd, 2009, PlusSizedFeminist said:

This reminds me of the Joy Nash video from back when, with all of her snazzy come backs to any sort of fat talk.

One phrase in general seriously makes me so infuriated:

“You have such a pretty face…if you just lost some weight…”

>_< I seriously want to punch a wall every time I hear this line from anyone, especially men. But I have learned to reply as such:

Male speaker: You have such a nice face, honey…it’s too bad your c*ck is as small as your brain….

Female speaker: Really now? I was going to say the same about you/Well last time I checked, I didn’t have a problem with my body, so why should you?

And I agree with Karen, and I hate that aspect of this privilege. When a thin person says she is fat, people flock to say “NOOOOO!!!” If a fat person says the same, she is hounded on, and told to lay off the cheeseburgers. Hypocrisy is a bitch….

posted on October 23rd, 2009 at 6:04 pm

19 On October 24th, 2009, elizabeth said:

One of the reasons I became involved in creating art to promote positive body image is my experience as a high school teacher. It has been so disheartening is to listen (for 20 years!) to nearly 100% of my female students(of ALL sizes!) obsess about their body size, weight, and shape. So much time, energy and talent wasted on fat talk! Girls (and women) have been so brainwashed by images of superthin women as the ideal body, that they have no honest idea of the wonderful variety of female bodies. Fat Talk always seems to be an expression of insecurity about any number of things that measure self-worth: Am I pretty enough? Will somebody love me? What do other people think? Do I fit in?. And yes, it is often the thinnest girls who complain the loudest. When I was anorexic, being extremely thin was how I got the approval and attention I desperately needed. Every time I hear fat talk now, I know that whoever is speaking really wants some sort of reassurance about her value, and its not simply about the weight. There are so many ways to pay compliments that don’t involve mentioning size and/or weight! We just need to be creative and stop falling into the default fat talk. And its sort of rude, but I do it anyway, if I hear fat talk: I ask my students (and friends!) to change the conversation!

posted on October 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am

20 On October 24th, 2009, Blimp said:

Fat talk is so stupid, we have to ridicule it. If you don’t lose weight, the sky will fall and the ground will collapse beneath your feet! No, I didn’t lose weight. The obesity epidemic and global warming make me look thinner than I really am.

posted on October 24th, 2009 at 3:24 pm

21 On October 26th, 2009, Crimson Wife said:

Karen is right that fat talk can be a form of passive-aggressiveness in groups of females. I was in a sorority in college and making self-deprecating comments about weight & body parts was how we kept each other “in line” with an unhealthy norm. Looking back now over a decade later, I’m appalled that I was a willing participant.

posted on October 26th, 2009 at 12:37 am

22 On October 26th, 2009, PlusSizedFeminist said:

When I was anorexic, being extremely thin was how I got the approval and attention I desperately needed.

That is exactly how I was elizabeth. And I have come to realize how shallow we humans are. I got the most comments about how good I looked when I was anorexic, and I got ridiculed on various occasion at the GYM of all places for my current size. People praised me while I was KILLING myself, but BERATED me for trying to get healthier. Because being fat is the ultimate evil in this world. I’ve lost a lot of hope and respect for humanity because of that.

posted on October 26th, 2009 at 3:17 am

23 On October 28th, 2009, You can lead a woman to body-positive messages, but you can’t make her believe them. » The-F-Word.org said:

[...] I said. “Actually, I was just thinking about how nice it would be if we extended Fat Talk Free week year [...]

posted on October 28th, 2009 at 5:14 pm

24 On October 30th, 2009, Crystal (Eating Recovery Center) said:

It’s great that so many universities are implementing this campaign to promote positive body image since eating disorders are so prevalent on college campuses. Eating Recovery Center, an eating disorder center in Denver, just released research showing that the transition to college, with its inherent pressures and changes, can increase the likelihood of eating disorders in young adults. Go here for the complete report: https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/pdf/ERC_College_FIN.pdf

posted on October 30th, 2009 at 12:31 am

25 On November 5th, 2009, nina said:

I am having difficulty dealing with my 17 yr old daughter who complains about being fat and ugly, even though she is a healthy weight and beautiful( not that this should even matter at all). The standards out in the media are to blame. We need to stop hating ourselves because of our outer skin and look what we can do to help others with actions, which neither requires great intellect nor looks. Yes she is looking for reassurance, and if I ignore her comments it leaves her own words resounding in her head. If I say “but you do so much in other ways” she says, “So you do think I am fat”.

posted on November 5th, 2009 at 9:08 am

26 On October 17th, 2010, AmandaJones said:

@Elizabeth Thank you for being a positive role model to the high school students. And I say that having no idea what size you are. The time and energy wasted on this is enormous. What if we all stopped hating our bodies and actually did something positive for our family and friends? I look around and we are in the midst of a deep recession, people are losing their small businesses…and how GROSS is it to have a bunch of women talking about how fat they are when people are actually suffering all around us…watching businesses they worked years to grow fail, staying up late wondering if they can keep an employee or not… I see the smallness of this obsession with our looks and I know we can all join together and be more supportive of each other. Thank you for your comments and feedback.
The cruel thing about being fat, is how long it takes to change it… so talking about how fat you are today…. when it may take thousands of exercise hours and over a year to really change your shape much…it seems like a sick trap. People berate themselves for the fat, they suck it up and go out and exercise, then they get upset and get off their plan and eat or skip a work out, and they keep themselves in a constant state of disappointment. Surely we can learn to love ourselves and be patient and forgiving of ourselves so we can live life now…instead of wait for the fantasy day when we look perfect, feel good, have tons of money and have no impending crisis to prevent us from living life to the fullest.

posted on October 17th, 2010 at 2:01 pm

27 On February 2nd, 2011, Fat Talk Begone! « Fat Sisters said:

[...] one. and in the interest of ending this pms-induced round of self-pity, I’m going to take Rachel of the F-word’s suggestion and start being concertedly happy with myself, dammit. Her first [...]

posted on February 2nd, 2011 at 4:30 pm