Love is blind, except when it comes to weight

23rd September 2009

Love is blind, except when it comes to weight

posted in Personal |

I let my husband know early on in our relationship of my eating disorder history and lingering body image insecurities. Not long after we had moved in together, the latter issue came up and while I don’t quite remember the context of our chat, I do remember quite distinctly his reply: “I will love you regardless if you weigh 100 or 1,000-pounds.” The endless array of bad advice from columnists to men and women bemoaning their fat spouses has only convinced me more than ever that I won the husband jackpot.

Yesterday’s Dear Abby column features the weight dilemma of “At a Crossroads,” who writes that she and her husband “Ingmar” have been married on and off for 12 years. Ingmar “loves big women,” she writes, and while she was at an unnaturally high-weight-for-her when they first met, Crossroads later lost a significant amount of weight for health reasons. She asks Abby:

After my weight started dropping, Ingmar told me I “grossed him out” and I was starting to resemble a “little girl.” We have had no physical contact in four years, and we sleep in separate rooms. He often goes off by himself for two or three days at a time. I know he isn’t involved with another woman because he can’t do anything anymore and he’s not willing to fix it.

I feel like a roommate instead of a wife. We don’t eat together, watch TV together or kiss anymore. Although I care for my husband, I’m not in love with him anymore. But I’m scared of going out in the “dating world” again. I’m 46 and no longer a “spring chicken,” but I crave affection. What do I do?

Abby’s response is that: “Your husband is punishing you for something that isn’t your fault” and advises Crossroads that her best chance might be to “fly the coop.” I agree with the advice, but before we give the notoriously fat-phobic Abby kudos, let’s first consider her response a while back to a wife on the other end of the weight spectrum. “Frustrated Wife” explained that she is 100-pounds overweight and that her husband has repeatedly asked her to lose weight. After she refused, he eventually moved to another bedroom and is now withholding sex from her. Abby responds by advising Frustrated Wife that her weight has “jeopardized” her marriage and accuses her of choosing her “love for food” over her love for her husband. She recommends Frustrated Wife consult a registered dietitian so that she can begin losing her “extra pounds” and “saving” her marriage.

The cognitive dissonance here is staggering. A fat woman marries a man who prefers larger women and when she loses weight, Abby counsels her that it isn’t her fault and that her meanie husband is just punishing her. A thin woman marries a man who prefers thin women and when she gains weight, is told by Abby that her husband has given her an “important message” and is accused of singlehandedly and deliberately destroying her marriage and then saddled with the onus of losing weight in order to save the relationship. The biased moralization here can’t be more explicit.

If I had a nationally-syndicated advice column, my response would be the same for both scenarios. While I believe that we are obligated to remain as healthy as possible for our spouses, we are not obligated to reach or maintain an unhealthy weight simply to satisfy our partner’s sexual preferences. And that goes for fat and thin folks of any gender. No one should be trapped in a loveless or sexually-anorexic relationship that’s predicated on what a person looks like and their ability to remain that way. For most couples, physical intimacy is a way to bond physically, spiritually and emotionally and therefore becomes an important part of marriage, but sex is also just that — a part of a relationship. Just because you can’t get it up for a partner doesn’t necessarily mean you should up and leave them instead. We (hopefully) don’t marry our partners simply because we find them sexually attractive, but because they are also our best friends and we love them for who they are. I happen to find my husband most attractive when his head is shaved and his goatee trimmed, but my love for him doesn’t change even when he hasn’t shaved in a week and I think he looks like a scraggly, homeless man.

That’s because love has a way of blinding us to imperfections, whether they be natural or accidental, and if we are truly committed, our priorities naturally shift to accommodate these changes. In fact, in many committed relationships, physical attraction often tends to blur with emotional attraction, with the latter becoming almost indistinguishable from the former. When I met Brandon I thought that I wasn’t remotely attracted to tall, thin, pasty-white guys on whom you could play their ribcage like a xylophone (sorry, honey), but as I grew more emotionally attracted to him, the physical attraction flourished and I now think that he’s pretty damn sexy. And sometimes a loss of physical attraction may simply be code for other, larger emotional issues that aren’t as tangible of symbols as weight too leach onto. It’s a lot easier to blame your low libido on your spouse’s digital scale reading than it is to admit that you’re stressed, depressed, sexually frustrated, insecure, fear a loss of control or that your marriage is suffering from other problems that are unrelated to weight.

People change — we get older, fatter, thinner, sicker, wrinklier, grayer, balder, saggier and droopier — and any successful marriage requires some degree of flexibility in what we perceive as attractive– that is, if we really meant that part in our vows about “’till death do us part.” Wait, I can hear it now… the Darwinian drumbeat of the old “Caveman Mystique”: Oh, no, it’s different for the menz! Men are visual creatures! They’re hardwired to find Z, Y and Z attractive! I call bullshit, and so does my husband. The problem with this defense is that it reduces men to ignorant, grunting Cro-Magnons whose penises render them mere slaves to their animalistic natures and desires, while also conveniently ignoring the fact that men have somehow also managed to evolve beyond an innate aggressive heterosexuality. As my favorite artist Bruce Cockburn wrote, “It depends on what you look at obviously, but even more it depends on the way that you see.” While sexual attraction does have biological and evolutionary traits, the way that we see — our sense of what we find sexually attractive — is often socially-conditioned (especially when it comes to weight) and is mostly physical and material. But that’s also the great thing about the rules of attraction — they’re subject to change (this is not to say that sexuality itself is a matter of choice).

If a partner is unable or unwilling to commit to at least trying to reframe the way they look at their spouse and to rediscovering a shared sexual and emotional intimacy, and this refusal is causing marital woes to the extent where sex is being used as a bartering chip and divorce is an option, then perhaps ending the relationship — note, not endlessly bemoaning your spouse’s weight in efforts to get them to change — is the right option for both partners involved. Crossroads and Frustrated Wife and all those like them need and deserve to be in relationships with partners who find them attractive and desirable as they are and not as who they could be, and their current partners need to be with people who understand and accept that the relationship hinges on them maintaining a certain appearance.

Okay, so maybe my response is a little long to fit within the allotted space given for a column, but you get the idea. What’s your take on it?

Update: For an example of an advice columnist getting it right on (and concisely), read the second letter in this Carolyn Hax column.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 at 9:40 am and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On September 23rd, 2009, spoonfork38 said:

Beautifully put, as usual!

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 10:16 am

2 On September 23rd, 2009, Karen said:

“…physical attraction often tends to blur with emotional attraction, with the latter becoming almost indistinguishable from the former.”

This is so so so so so so so so so so SO true. I once worked with a man who, upon first meeting him, struck me as staggeringly unattractive. He was thin to the point of being bony, his skin was pasty and plagued with blemishish, his hair stuck out all over, and his teeth were, well, unfortunate. His only physical trait that I found immediately appealing were his brilliantly blue eyes. If I had met him as a small child I would have been at least a little frightened (I was admittedly a fearful child.) when his conventionally very beautiful wife stopped by in his first few days, everyone was floored that this man could get this woman.

After working with this man for a few months and getting to know him, I realized he was hilarious, quite smart, and generally a great deal of fun to be around. If he hadn’t been married I would have started hitting on him. I realized I could actually enjoy being intimate with him, or at least imagining it. Wow. This was a revelation.

I’ve only been in a few long term relationships and never in one that involved a partner losing their physical attraction after a while, so I don’t have a lot of experience with which to make a truly informed opinion. But after experiencing how emotional attraction can cause physical attraction to develop, I really can’t understand how a person who is otherwise as happy as they’ve always been with a solid relationship can suddenly stop being attracted to a partner based entirely on their partner’s appearance. I have to agree that there must be other issues at work and that the blame is being misdirected onto the partner’s appearance. But…I can only offer that opinion, being not remotely authoritative about it. I’d value the thoughts of an older, conventionally beautiful woman who has been in a very long and solid relationship.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 10:44 am

3 On September 23rd, 2009, sarahbyrdd said:

I wasn’t at all sure about my fellah’s looks when we first met, but we were so in tune in other ways I let the attraction grow. Now he’s perfectly capable of making me weak in the knees with a glance from across the room. Also, having had my weight be an issue in previous relationships I was quite clear that he’d better take me as I am, or fatter or thinner, however my body is or will be. His answer? So long as I’m confident and feel sexy, I’ll be sexy in his eyes, the weight is a non-issue. And I say the same thing to him. Yeah, we’re pretty dang happy to have found each other.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 am

4 On September 23rd, 2009, GeekGirlsRule said:

I’ve been married for 15 years, and we are just as smooshy, and he finds me just as sexy as he did 15 years and about a hundred pounds (or at least 6-8 sizes) ago.

When we very first were dating, and I was in the throes of the eating disorder, he told me that if I ever got as heavy as my mom he wouldn’t be able to date me. (As I was on board with the self-disgust and fat hate, this did not send me off.)

After we’d been married about 7 years and a combination of years of office jobs, grad school and three part-time jobs, took their toll, and I started gaining weight. I freaked out. We fought, I was clingy, jealous, depressed. When I finally admitted that I was terrified that he was going to leave me because of what he’d said when we were first dating, he was horrified. Horrified both at the jackass he’d been, and that I still believed he meant that.

His attractions have definitely shifted in the years, as my body has changed. Noticeably. He definitely finds women who share my body type, regardless what that is, more attractive than those who don’t.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 am

5 On September 23rd, 2009, Yorke said:

When we very first were dating, and I was in the throes of the eating disorder, he told me that if I ever got as heavy as my mom he wouldn’t be able to date me.

This exact thing happened to me. My now husband said this about 3 years ago when I was very disordered. I gained a not insignificant amount of weight in recovery and though he appears happy with me and we married a few months ago, I’m having a hard time letting go of what he said. He said he was being stupid but I have a hard time not thinking that he is dissatisfied with my current size and that continuing to be with someone who would say something like that was just another way of punishing myself.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm

6 On September 23rd, 2009, Ruth said:

Excellent post!

Sexuality and relationships are complex, and the “I’m not attracted to my partner anymore because he/she gained/lost weight, etc.” is always only part of the equation.

I’ve been married to the same person for 7+ years, and we’ve been in a relationship for 15+. In that span, I’ve been fat, thin and in-between (which is where I am now). Our relationship has gone through ups and downs, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

We love each other, and our relationship has matured in amazing ways that I could never have predicted.

I think that having a long term (and/or life-long) relationship requires that both parties are grown-ups. And to me, an aspect of this is acceptance: self and other. I, myself, am not always how I wish myself to be. Neither is my husband always how I wish him to be.

But I value love and joy more than I value “perfection” and striving.

Hope this is not too long–it’s a complex topic . Thanks, Rachel, for bringing it up.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm

7 On September 23rd, 2009, Forestroad said:

What a lovely sweet post…the comments are really giving hope to this twenty-something

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm

8 On September 23rd, 2009, Bree said:

I am not married and not currently in a relationship, but all the men who have even given me a second thought were short and thin, and I’m tall and deathfat. So there are men out there who can look past weight if they’re interested enough.

It seems to me as if Dear Abby is insiunating the husband is somehow abnormal for preferring larger women. We know men (and women) who have no qualms dating and marrying fat people get a lot of flak for it and are considered giving into fetishes or settling for less than best. Of course, he’s also asking his wife to be something she doesn’t want to be anymore and it’s the same as if a spouse was pressuring the other to lose weight too.

I think this marriage is at a dead end. Any relationship where one person is hung up on a certain appearance is doomed to not survive, and most problems later could be nipped in the bud if the potential partners would look elsewhere before deciding to make things serious.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm

9 On September 23rd, 2009, Lu said:

When we very first were dating, and I was in the throes of the eating disorder, he told me that if I ever got as heavy as my mom he wouldn’t be able to date me. (As I was on board with the self-disgust and fat hate, this did not send me off.)

Wow, I was just this morning envisioning this scenario. (I’m not in a relationship but might like to be and I think about the Weight Issue a lot.) I pictured a guy saying something like that to me, and I pictured myself responding, “I don’t need someone with that attitude,” and then walking away. I know you can’t predicate your actions based on whether someone might change their mind, but it is a little mind-blowing to think that if you had done what I fantasised, you wouldn’t be happily partnered now. I guess all we can do is act according to whatever truth we are living at the moment. But see, these socially conditioned fatphobic attitudes are really poisonous in that way. I think they catch a lot of people in their trail who might not really think fat is disgusting, but feel that they should.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 1:35 pm

10 On September 23rd, 2009, Lu said:

I guess I should amend that to read, “you might not be happily partnered now,” because we can’t know either way.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm

11 On September 23rd, 2009, Shannon Russell said:

My wife and I will have been (ummm… feel free to grammarwhack me) married 3 years in January, and together a total of 6 years. She’s 5’6″, 400 lbs, but has fluctuated between 280 and 400 with the kids and various factors.

I’m one of those guys who prefers big women. Early on, I dated anyone who showed an interest in me, thin or fat. But the older I got, the more I realized what *I* was attracted to was quite specific, so I started dating fat women exclusively.

I lost my virginity to a fat woman and all my partners have been big. I’m stating this to basically say that, I don’t know what would happen to my libido if my wife lost a ton of weight. I know what I’m physically attracted to, but I also know that my wife is extremely sexy. As has been stated, sexual appeal is a combination of physical and emotional factors, so for me to state unequivocally that I ‘d still find her sexy if my wife was 180 lbs would be dishonest. The truth is, I don’t know. Just as I don’t know if I would still be sexually aroused by my wife is she suddenly lost her confidence or sense of humor or any other part of her that has become as familiar to me as my own self. Having never been put in the situation, I don’t know how my sexual mind would react and I would be terrified of a subconscious revolt.

But, Cady and I have talked about her weight when she complains about this or that pain. I’ve told her that if she wants to lose weight, that I would completely support her and help her. I think she is afraid that if she lost weight, that it would affect our sex life, but I’m of the mind that we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. But I’m committed to her, not her body, and if she no longer feels comfortable in her body, then I’m going to support her needs.

I agree with your post, though. You’re either in it for all the right reasons or all the wrong ones, and if your relationship is so precariously perched on something as ultimately meaningless as one’s weight, then maybe its best for it to end sooner than later.

Peace,
Shannon

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 4:33 pm

12 On September 23rd, 2009, Twistie said:

When I met Mr. Twistie, my sexual physical ideal would have been David Bowie. About the only thing Mr. Twistie and Mr. Bowie have in common is being a bipedal singer/songwriter.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t give David the once over (in an entirely discreet and ladylike manner designed not to cause any strain to his marriage or mine) if we happened to be in the same room, but I also know I wouldn’t trade my guy for a stack of David Bowies a mile high.

Mr. Twistie is my ideal these days, mutton chop sideburns, bypass scar and all. He’s seen me at size 8 up to size 26 and every size in between. He’s seen me cut my hair all kinds of funky ways he hated. But I know that if Minnie Driver (who he thinks is all kinds of hot and who resembles me mostly in being bipedal and female) and I were in the same room, he would notice Minnie, but he’d go home proudly with me.

Love isn’t quite blind. It just has a way of adjusting vision to suit how the heart feels.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 5:00 pm

13 On September 23rd, 2009, Frances said:

“Love isn’t quite blind. It just has a way of adjusting vision to suit how the heart feels.” That’s perfect.

The Boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He prefers bigger women, I have gotten bigger over the years (not deliberately) and that whole fantasy does play a part in our sex life. But if I ever have insecurities – whether I think I’m too big or too small – he tells me that he’ll love me whatever size I am. He says that bodies are supposed to change over the years, and that these changes are exciting and beautiful. Such a keeper!

In the beginning, sexual attractiveness may bring two people together and sustain them for a while, because it’s easy. It’s spectacularly easy to be with someone who sets a fire in your pants. But even the most physically perfect person gets boring after a while, and once those hormones die down you need something solid to replace them.

But a healthy long-term relationship is so much more than that. For starts, iis hard work.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 8:58 pm

14 On September 23rd, 2009, Frances said:

Please ignore that horrible last sentence that’s full of spelling mistakes. I MEANT TO DELETE IT.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm

15 On September 23rd, 2009, FatNSassy said:

Cognitive Dissonance? Personally I would be willing to be some weight loss sponsor influenced or even flat out paid them to be fatphobic. Just another one of the all pervasive clandestine commercials in MSM.

posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 11:54 pm

16 On September 24th, 2009, SharonC said:

“While I believe that we are obligated to remain as healthy as possible for our spouses,”

I disagree; I think this is healthism.

I am not suggesting the opposite. I think it is generally a good idea to try and be reasonably healthy, and certainly if one was deliberately remaining less than healthy and inconveniencing one’s spouse in the process, then that is certainly not being considerate to one’s spouse. But in health, as in all things, there is a line – how much am I prepared to inconvenience myself in order to further convenience my spouse? Does my spouse really have the right to demand that my intake of [whatever] remain at the level for optimum health, when it gives me greater happiness to take in a little more/less, and my doing so does not affect anyone else but myself? I think not.

posted on September 24th, 2009 at 9:22 am

17 On September 24th, 2009, Rachel said:

But in health, as in all things, there is a line – how much am I prepared to inconvenience myself in order to further convenience my spouse? Does my spouse really have the right to demand that my intake of [whatever] remain at the level for optimum health, when it gives me greater happiness to take in a little more/less, and my doing so does not affect anyone else but myself? I think not.

I thought someone might take issue with this Part of being in a relationship is being there, period. And so I think we do have the obligation to remain as healthy as possible — as we define it. Obviously no one has the right to demand you do something that you don’t feel are in your best health interests.

posted on September 24th, 2009 at 10:13 am

18 On September 29th, 2009, SharonC said:

Well, to give an example, I know that if I were to give up my job and exercise all day long, I would be significantly healthier than I am now. Do I have the obligation to give up my income and turn into a perpetual exerciser? Heck no.

posted on September 29th, 2009 at 2:27 pm

19 On October 5th, 2009, closetpuritan said:

I think “as healthy as possible” is a little extreme. I’m assuming you don’t literally mean that. Surely, if my boyfriend grabbed some McDonalds chicken nuggets and French fries for lunch, that wouldn’t be a good excuse to dump him and that wouldn’t make him a bad person? I hope not, because he does do that sometimes. For that matter, he drinks Pepsi pretty much every day. Is that enough to disqualify him as a potential marriage partner? Not in my book. And note that it’s not just a case of both partners putting in equally poor-quality investments in their health–I get more exercise, eat less fast food, and drink way less soda than him. (Our weights are about the same, though.)

Also, I agree that attraction goes beyond the physical. I don’t quite believe people who have been in relationship for years and then say they’ve stopped being attracted to their spouse solely because of changes in that spouse’s weight.

posted on October 5th, 2009 at 9:42 pm

20 On October 6th, 2009, Rachel said:

@Closetpuritan: All food, even McDonalds, has its place in a healthy diet. When I say “as healthy as possible,” I am referring both to mental and physical health — as you define it.

posted on October 6th, 2009 at 8:57 am

21 On October 25th, 2009, Deusabscondidum said:

I wonder if he thought he was encouraging her to be healthy. I know of some people who have tried this sort of tactic for partners who won’t quite smoking or drinking. (And for the record, it really doesn’t seem to work with them, either. Go figure. I’d say as much as people might want to please their partners, this kind of thing isn’t that great a motivator, and what’s worse, comes off as horribly selfish.) Then again he might just want to look at someone thin. Either way, if someone is doing things which are unhealthy, you can’t force them to be healthy. That’s why breaking addictions are so hard. So even if a person were fat because of their diet alone, punishing them is no way to encourage them to change. They have to want to change, or else that change will either not happen or will not last. Oh, and they probably won’t be happy. (Really, that last one’s just a guess. I mean, it must be pretty odd not wanting a loved one to treat you like a child, right?)

I think generally the feeling is now that we should never try to change a partner, but should learn to love them and support them in all their endeavors. Sickness and health. Poverty and richness. All that kind of stuff.

posted on October 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm