*In which head meets desk*

13th August 2009

In which head meets desk

posted in Feminist Topics, Personal, Politics |

A study presented Tuesday at the American Sociological Association’s annual meeting revealed that 70 percent of Americans believe a woman should take their husband’s last names when they get married and 50 percent think it should be a legal requirement.

Wait — it gets worse.

Laura Hamilton, the study’s lead author says that when respondents were asked why they thought women should change their last names, “they told us that women should lose their own identity when they marry and become a part of the man and his family.” (h/t Feministing)

The New York Daily has more information on the study, which I can’t find a link to directly. The survey pool included 815 people who were asked open-ended and multiple choice questions on a number of family and gender issues. “The mailman would get confused” was actually a serious answer given for why women should be legally required to change their name upon marrying. Yeah, I’ve been married for two years now and we’ve lived together for four and that hasn’t seemed to be a problem for our intrepid postal worker. Not so surprisingly, those who felt that new brides should change their names tended to be more conservative and less accepting of families of same-sex partners even as they protest Big Government.

When I was a budding teenage feminist, I announced to my mom and brother that I wouldn’t change my name when I got married. Even at 14 and long before I understood the patriarchal practices behind it, the concept seemed entirely strange and archaic to me. My mom condescendingly told me, “You’ll change your mind when you fall in love” while my brother announced that because the man bought the engagement ring, it was the woman’s reciprocal duty to take his name — as if womens’ identities can be bought for a measly half-carat piece of bling. Don’t get me wrong: Women should have the freedom –as should men– to change their name if they want to, but they should not be socially obligated or legally required to do so.

I’ll just add this to the handy-gems-to-pull-from-my-big-fat-feminist-handbag for the next time someone insists that feminism has run its course.

Click to Bookmark

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 13th, 2009 at 3:05 pm and is filed under Feminist Topics, Personal, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On August 13th, 2009, Maureen at IslandRoar said:

Yup, didn’t change my name over 20 years ago. No problems with the mail yet…

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm

2 On August 13th, 2009, random said:

“The mailman would get confused.”

It’s enough to turn a person into a misanthrope.

Oh, wait… I already am.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 3:46 pm

3 On August 13th, 2009, Alice said:

Well, when we lived together before the commitment ceremony, the mail carriers could find our house just fine, as they could when I lived with platonic roomates.

However, maybe they’ve had it easier in the last 5 years, since *he* took *my* name. (Done for variety of reasons, mostly that we plan to adopt & a family name may help with identities and clearing bureaucratic hurdles.)

I want to see where these #s came from, b/c I desperately want those 815 to not be statistically representative. If 50% of the general public really wants female name changes to be required upon opposite-sex marriage, it’s time to start looking at that Canadian immigration form again.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 3:52 pm

4 On August 13th, 2009, Bozoette Mary said:

It’s been 29 years of not changing my name to my husband’s — the letter carriers have never gotten confused. Not only that, it’s great for weeding out telemarketers. “Is this Mrs. ??” “Sorry, there’s no one here by that name.”

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 3:55 pm

5 On August 13th, 2009, Rachel said:

@Alice: Yeah, I’d really like to see how the study was conducted and if the sample represented a specific demographic or geographic area.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 3:56 pm

6 On August 13th, 2009, Kelly said:

Um, with the number of people living together who don’t have the same name (couples and roommates alike), I think the mailman can deal.

I didn’t change my name when I got married 2 years ago because I just didn’t feel the need to. I was 31 and had way too many connections with people, both personally and professionally, who knew me with my maiden name and I didn’t see the point of changing it. Also, do you know the bureaucratic mess involved with changing your name? What a pain. Even though I consider myself a feminist, my reasons were more about laziness.

Also, I like my name. It’s aggressively Irish.

But I think the fact that I had the option is amazing when you think about it in an historical context. It’s frightening to me that some women want to regress even that much. Want it to be legally enforced even.

As a bonus, we got married in Massachusetts, where instead of saying Husband and Wife on the license application, it says Party 1 and Party 2. My future husband asked which I wanted to be and I said, “Are you kidding? Party 1, baby!” And I am.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 3:58 pm

7 On August 13th, 2009, Alice said:

One clarification on bureacracy – at this point in time, no system breaks when people have different last names (as is the case with my parents, stepparents & stepsiblings). You may need a few more minutes when things are getting set up the first time, but the idea that Everything Will Break! is utterly divorced from the reality of how we live our lives these days.

To me, an interesting question is what name do the kids get. Friends have all followed the ‘baby gets dad’s name’ trend when there’s a dad (my lesbian friends have all hyphenated). I really dislike this patronymic policy, and it bugs me more than when a woman takes her husband’s name entirely. I think it’s because people acknowledge the broader problems with the latter, but often see kids taking their fathers’names as ‘natural’. Something to think about more on my end …

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:01 pm

8 On August 13th, 2009, Andrea (Off Her Cork) said:

Whoa I think my head just exploded. Going along with your bro’s logic, I have no engagement ring and I bought our wedding bands. I guess my hubs should have had to change his name to mine, eh?

That list of reasons is beyond ridiculous but also quite scary. I have witnessed people lose it over finding out someone didn’t change their name. Oh the horror!

When people ask me why I didn’t change my name I usually say, “I already have a name. What do I need a new one for?” And the thought of being called “Mrs.” makes me shutter.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:03 pm

9 On August 13th, 2009, rachel with a little "r" said:

“I’ll just add this to the handy-gems-to-pull-from-my-big-fat-feminist-handbag for the next time someone insists that feminism has run its course.”

I’m afraid, when you present them with this information, they will use it to prove that feminism HAS run its course…”See? Women don’t even have to take their husbands’ names now!”

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:04 pm

10 On August 13th, 2009, Charlotte said:

Don’t get me wrong: Women should have the freedom –as should men– to change their name if they want to, but they should not be socially obligated or legally required to do so.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have lots of married friends; some of the women took thier husband’s names, while others hyphenated. I’ll either hyphenate or change my name completely, depending on the length of my husband’s name. I think the fact that we have a choice on what to do with our names is awesome.

That mailman excuse is so stupid. Couples who cohabitate, and people who live with roommates don’t have a problem getting mail; why should it be different for a married couple with different last names?

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:33 pm

11 On August 13th, 2009, Jasie VanGesen said:

As someone who is divorced and about to remarry, I am so glad we have the choice to do whatever we want with our names. It scares me that some people want that choice removed. Some people want ALL of womankind’s choices removed… so disheartening. I’ve been with my partner almost 4 years and when I told my mother that I wasn’t taking his name when we get married, she was shocked and upset. I couldn’t figure out why, honestly. Isn’t it MY choice? If anything, I figured she’d be flattered that our family name meant that much to me.

I have a child from my previous marriage and wish more than anything he could have had my last name as opposed to my ex-husband’s… next baby is SO getting hyphenated.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:40 pm

12 On August 13th, 2009, Rachel said:

To me, an interesting question is what name do the kids get.

We don’t plan on having children, but nor do we ignore the possibility that it might happen by mistake. In that case, I would give our child a hyphenated last name. When I tell people this, they act like it’s child abuse to saddle a kid with a long name, to which I reply that it’s customary for a child in Latin countries to have two and even three to four last names and somehow they manage to emerge into adulthood unscathed. Besides, a kid can always choose at age 18 what name they want to go by.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:46 pm

13 On August 13th, 2009, Rachel said:

I know two strident feminists who chose to take their husband’s last names. Both had last names that were commonly mispronounced and both had very bad relationships with their fathers and wanted to shed any vestige of them whatsoever. Other than myself, I know of only one other woman, an attorney, in my high school/college circles who kept her own name. I don’t know anyone who uses a hyphenated last name. It’s amazing to me just how common the practice of taking your husband’s surname still is. I read some stats not too long ago that said more women in the 1970s kept their names than did women in the 1990s/2000s.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm

14 On August 13th, 2009, Lori said:

I’d be particularly interested in seeing the age breakdown on this one, and the exact way the questions were worded. I have to say, I have trouble believing it’s a representative study. I know a number of very conservative women, and when discussions of name changing have come up I’ve never heard a single one of them say that they think it should be legally required that women take their husband’s name.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:52 pm

15 On August 13th, 2009, Lori said:

Oh, and I have a hyphenated name, and our son has the same hyphenated name. The original plan was actually for my husband and I to both hypenate our names, but it’s much, much easier for a woman to do it, and he never got around to filing the paperwork. Then he got some publications under his name and we decided it was a non-issue anyway. But, hyphenated names are really not that difficult or burdensome or confusing. If my son wants to pick one name or the other when he grows up, he can, and I tend to think that we’ve made enough advances as a species that figuring out what to do if two people with hyphenated names get married is something we’ll be able to get through.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm

16 On August 13th, 2009, Shinobi said:

My friend just got married and their biggest ongoing fight was that she didn’t want to take his name. His argument was something about how “a man grows up thinking that the one thing he can give a woman is his name.” To which we both responded “uhm, I would hope he can give more than THAT.”

He eventually relented because he met someone else who hadn’t changed her name, and I guess since they managed to be married and her husband did not have his balls surgically removed during the wedding it was suddenly okay.

Better her than me I guess.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:24 pm

17 On August 13th, 2009, Bree said:

For me, it would depend on the last name of my future husband. If it was too hard to pronounce or too embarrassing (think Wiener), then I’d keep my last name, which is two syllables, short and easy to pronounce. I know women who’ve kept their maiden name and/or hyphenated it. It wasn’t a problem.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:29 pm

18 On August 13th, 2009, Twistie said:

I well remember girding my loins to tell Mr. Twistie I was going to keep my own name when we got married. His reaction? He blinked in confusion a couple of times and said “I never thought you would do anything else.”

All that loin girding, wasted.

I read this article to him just now and he fumed about how “all this women as property bullsh*t needs to end” and then laughed himself silly at the mailman excuse.

My husband. I think I’ll keep him.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:41 pm

19 On August 13th, 2009, Godless Heathen said:

The mailman already is confused. I get mail for other apartments in my building, I hardly think he’s baffled by names if he’s having trouble with numbers.

The hubby and I didn’t avail ourselves of the free name change, and it was something we discussed beforehand. I’m used to spelling my last name, I’m used to answering to it. It makes me unique and gives me an opportunity to either put people at ease or make them feel stupid, since 90% of people mis-pronounce it. Plus, I don’t want to be part of his family, I just wanted him.

I saw some people saying “think of the children”! Oh noes, you wouldn’t want people thinking your kids were “illegitimate”. You might have to explain to your children that some people have bizarre hangups that mostly center around class perceptions, and that such people are to be avoided when possible. My husband is a “bastard”, ain’t no shame for him. That people try to attach shame to it says a lot more about them than it does him.

@Bree re embarrassing last names – I worked a job where I was forced to use the customer’s last name if I saw it on their credit card. Some poor woman had a last name that I couldn’t imagine was pronounced any way other than “bitch”. I wasn’t going to be one of the hundreds of people in her life that embarrassed her and gladly took the managerial flack for not trying to use her name. Poor lady.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:52 pm

20 On August 13th, 2009, Jen said:

Gaw. I cried so hard when I changed my name. There was a child involved and I didn’t want her to go through X, Y, and Z. I realize now it didn’t have to be that way but yeah, hindsight is 20/20 and I wanted to be a good person and, and, and, crap.

My girls will be well aware they can do whatever the hell they want with their names. Change ‘em (the current one is ghastly to spell and pronounce) keep ‘em or make up a whole new one (aka ‘option C’)

I still miss my old last name, but only me and a cousin even had it to begin with so it’s not some long-standing traditional thing. It was just…MY name. I hated to give it up.

21 On August 13th, 2009, Gexx said:

I have a recently-divorced girlfriend who didn’t change her name because she was already published in her field. Her family refused to acknowledge it as *still* send her mail as Mrs. Husband Name.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:54 pm

22 On August 13th, 2009, Gexx said:

correction: Her family refused to acknowledge it and *still* sends her mail as Mrs. Husband Name.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:56 pm

23 On August 13th, 2009, Rachel said:

His argument was something about how “a man grows up thinking that the one thing he can give a woman is his name.”

A coworker asked me before my wedding if I was going to change my name. When I said “no,” he said that that would be a deal-breaker for him in a relationship. Hmmm… maybe that’s why he was 36 and hadn’t had a girlfriend in 10 years. He’s really a nice guy however, and he did find someone, a copy editor who also works with us. They’re getting married this month actually. I don’t know her all that well, but I think she’s taking his name.

@Jen: Yeah, I didn’t keep my name out of respect for my heritage. That side of the family is not close and I don’t even know what my great-grandparents names were, let alone the rest of the family tree.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 5:57 pm

24 On August 13th, 2009, Meems said:

You have got to be kidding me! My mother never changed her name, since she’d already established a career in her maiden name, and almost 30 years later, they mailman is doing just fine. So are my brother and I, who have dad’s last name.

I might change my name when I get married – it’s going to depend on what his last name is

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 6:07 pm

25 On August 13th, 2009, Godless Heathen said:

His argument was something about how “a man grows up thinking that the one thing he can give a woman is his name.”

Him: Honey, I’ve got something for you that’s 8 inches long and quite the mouthful.
Her: For the last time, I am not taking your unpronounceable last name!

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 6:10 pm

26 On August 13th, 2009, naomiv said:

I’m in my mid-40s, and it seemed like my female contemporaries, way back when, were largely NOT taking their husbands’ names. I’ve noticed that most young women getting married now do.

The children naming dilemma is a tough one. In our family we solved this one by saying at the get-go that boys would be given their father’s name and girls would be given mine. That way, any inequity is left to the hand of fate, which seems perfectly fair to me.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 6:51 pm

27 On August 13th, 2009, Bluefish said:

I kept my name, husband kept his. And since we didn’t want to hyphenate we agreed that when we had kids all girls would have his last name and all boys would have mine.

We got one of each, so one kid has his last name, and one has mine. And no one — not the mailman, not the school, not the pharmacy, no one — has had any trouble figuring out that we live together and are related! On the other hand a fair number of people assume that husband and I are a blended family and that one or both kids are from earlier relationships. This I cannot fathom at all given that those two look exactly like bits of husband & me run through a mixer and made WAY cuter, but whatever.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 7:01 pm

28 On August 13th, 2009, Katherine said:

The thing that stands out to me is that requiring every married woman in the U.S. to take her husband’s last name would impose our naming traditions on a lot of people who come from other cultures and other naming systems. I work with refugees, two of the most recent groups of arrivals being Burmese and Iraqis. For Iraqis, often their name is first name, father’s name, grandfather’s name, with the third acting as a last name in the U.S. Wives do not take their husband’s name but keep their own. Burmese people, on the other hand, don’t have “first” or “last” or “family” names–they just have names that consist of usually two to four words that mean something in their language and have a history. Again the last (or the last two) become the “last name” in the U.S. because that’s how we do things, but both with the Burmese and the Iraqis none of their “last names” are the same as their childrens’ last names (unless they Americanize their naming practices), and it’s not like they ever get confused or worry about their wives being in rebellion or whatever the hell it is that taking your husband’s last name is supposed to do. But the question for me is why should we force this on Americans who come from a different background? Wait–you mean there are people here in the U.S. who didn’t come from Europe?! Shocking.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 7:03 pm

29 On August 13th, 2009, Tiana said:

I can hardly believe so many people still think that way.

When my boyfriend and I had somehow established that we wanted to get married one day (none of us really proposed, it just came up), we had a conversation that went sort of like this:

“So, which name are we going to choose, mine or yours?”
“Uh. I don’t like mine.”
“I don’t like mine, either.”
“Dammit.”
“Mine sounds better, but I really don’t want to be reminded of the person I got it from.”
“I have the same problem. We’re just going to have to make up a new name or something.”

Heh. An unusual situation, for sure. We still haven’t made up our minds …

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 7:09 pm

30 On August 13th, 2009, Sal said:

When I first married, I didn’t want to change my name, but the personnel office at work practically forces me to. This was 1972, and I worked for the Social Security Administration.

When we divorced 27 years later I took back my maiden name. If he didn’t want me, I certainly didn’t want his name.

When I remarried, I kept my name. Thankfully, now, it’s not a big issue!

31 On August 13th, 2009, Anna said:

I agree with not having to change your name, if you don’t want. IF I was going to have to change it, I would want my partner and I to both change it some other third thing. A friend of mine did it with his wife, to something reflected both of their personalities and, quote “It’s not like I own her. She is her own person, she’s not my property to name.”

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 7:33 pm

32 On August 13th, 2009, Meowser said:

Oy. Who the hell are they interviewing? Anyone from this actual planet?

“The mailman would get confused”? Yeah, all those people with roommates never seem to get their mail, right? And what about the women who take their husbands’ names legally but not professionally? How on earth do they ever get their mail?

I kept my name when I was married. I had already changed it once legally because I disliked how my first and last names sounded together and had bad memories of my name being made fun of, and didn’t want to do it again. My (now ex) husband didn’t blame me; he didn’t particularly want to keep his own name because he was adopted and disliked his adoptive father. He would rather have had the surname of his adoptive uncle, who he felt much closer to, but he thought his mom would shit blood so didn’t change it.

Would I keep it again? Probably. No reason not to, I have almost no chance of being pregnant anyway. (And if I did, I’d go with, “Girls with mom’s last name, boys with dad’s, and if it’s an intersexed kid, sie gets both.”)

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 7:41 pm

33 On August 13th, 2009, Meryt Bast said:

@Meowser: Yeah, I was wondering who the heck they interviewed, too. I wanted to take my husband’s surname, so I did. Our family names are pretty similar anyway.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 8:35 pm

34 On August 13th, 2009, Rachel said:

The thing that stands out to me is that requiring every married woman in the U.S. to take her husband’s last name would impose our naming traditions on a lot of people who come from other cultures and other naming systems.

I sincerely doubt that anyone who supports making such a practice a legal requirement gives a fig about diversity and cultural respect.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 8:44 pm

35 On August 13th, 2009, Bozoette Mary said:

Just a quick addition to my original comment — okay, maybe two additions:

1 – When we got engaged and I told my husband that I wanted to keep my name, he said, “Well, I’m in love with Mary (myname). I don’t know anyone named Mary (hisname).” What a guy!

2 – Our son has my husband’s name as his last name, and my name as his middle name. It’s worked out well.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 8:49 pm

36 On August 13th, 2009, randomquorum said:

When I was growing up, I always thought I would take my husband’s last name when I married, but when it came down to it, I didn’t. The thought of changing my name actually freaked me out – I’ve had this name my whole life, and changing it made me feel like I was losing a part of my identity (plus, I’m lazy). So I kept my name. There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the time, but its pretty much fine now. I actually suggested that my husband should take MY name, but that was not well recieved LOL.

I did however end up agreeing that any kids will get his name. My mother (bless her) suggested a couple of days ago that we should give any girls my name and any boys his, but so far the husband is VERY unimpressed with this idea – he claims he is “putting his foot down”… um ok, whatever.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 9:34 pm

37 On August 13th, 2009, April D said:

This just…baffles. I’ve changed my name twice now and if it hadn’t been for the fact that I do NOT want my maiden name due to a complete lack of respect for my biological father I would certainly NOT have gone through the name change thing…let alone twice! (The second was just because going from the first married name to the second was a very nice name-shortening…plus now I sound French

My ex-husband and I spoke about it and he offered to take my name but, like I said; I didn’t even want the moniker for myself, let alone him! Thinking about it now though I wish I’d thought to use my grandmother’s maiden name. It is awesomely Polish and rolls wonderfully off the tongue! Maybe if we ever have kids…

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 9:44 pm

38 On August 13th, 2009, lowbudgetcyborg said:

If I were to get married I would not change my last name, since it’s unique and I’m very fond of it. My SO says that if we were to get married he would take my name, since his is really common and he isn’t attached to it.

I *might* hyphenate my name if I were getting married to someone who valued that (and didn’t have a horrible name), but I would fight tooth and claw if some “authority” was telling me I had to give up my name entirely.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 9:56 pm

39 On August 13th, 2009, Tiffany said:

I am getting married next May and the only reason I’m changing my name is because I want to get rid of the last name I share with my father.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 10:13 pm

40 On August 13th, 2009, Piffle said:

I kept my name; but what I really wanted to do was to take some bits from my name and from his name and mix up a completely new one. His family would’ve freaked though. So the compromise was that we each kept our own name. He was a bit reluctant for me to keep my name, he had some feeling that we’d be less committed somehow; but I insisted and he didn’t fight too hard. Now he’s glad we did it my way.

Except for me, my family is very conservative (no gay marriage, creationist etc.) and none of them had any difficulty with it. I really doubt any of them would support a legal requirement that women change their names.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 10:15 pm

41 On August 13th, 2009, JupiterPluvius said:

The entire nation of China, and pretty much the entire Spanish-speaking world, manages to deal with spouses having different last names. Are these folks saying that US postal carriers aren’t as smart as Chinese or Spanish or Mexican postal carriers? UN-AMERICAN!!

Husband and I both kept our own last names, and we’ve both gotten all our mail for the last 9 years.

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 10:17 pm

42 On August 13th, 2009, Angie said:

I’d probably hyphenate, or keep my own name, and give the kids his name. I don’t really want to share my father’s name with anybody, but I’d keep mine simply because I may already have publications in my name before marriage, and it would be a good compromise to my family who are like “If you don’t take his name, how will anyone know you’re married?”. That and, my last bf and current bf both have very very German last names. I have a very very Slavic name. I want to see how many ways a hyphenation of the two can be butchered. *evil smiley*

posted on August 13th, 2009 at 10:29 pm

43 On August 14th, 2009, Brandy said:

maybe i’m assuming too much here but the lame ‘reasons’ given for a woman needing to change her last name (the mailman, wtf?) were a result of the people being questioned scrambling to find a logical reason for their culturally indoctrinated assumption of ‘how things should be’ i bet lots of these people have just always assumed thats the way it goes and then when questioned about it, they attempted and failed to find a reason, so as not to be forced to admit – because it is a narrow minded, archaic, patriarchical, american tradition

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 12:37 am

44 On August 14th, 2009, Heather C said:

I live in Quebec, where taking the husband’s name is not only not an issue, it’s damn next to impossible. I don’t know whether I would have changed my name, but it would have been nice to have had the option.

I still get my mail, by the by.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 1:22 am

45 On August 14th, 2009, Kristie said:

I took my hubby’s name 15 years ago. It wasn’t a political issue for me at the time; the way I saw it, I already had a man’s name–my father’s, and to choose my mother’s was to choose her father’s name. I was young, had no professional credentials under my own name, and I liked the idea that we’d have the same name. It was also an aesthetic choice. If I hadn’t liked his name, I would’ve kept mine. We have friends where the husband changed his name to hers. My brother’s first wife and he kept their own names and gave their 2 kids one of each, like friends of theirs had done. Bugged my mom a lot, but I didn’t care. I’ve had lesbian friends who’ve created a combined last name–not hyphenated, but an amalgam.

I’m not sure why people think they should have an opinion on what other people choose to call themselves; names are so arbitrary to begin with–other people give them to you. So I guess it really only matters what the person who has the name thinks, and whether it fits what they feel and believe.

46 On August 14th, 2009, Keira said:

My mum took my dad’s name mainly because she felt more connected with his family than her own. They are now divorced and she still uses the same lastname…now because of the connection with us kids.

My grandmother remarried and only uses her old last name (my mum’s maiden name) in the professional field (she’s a dr and lecturer in medicine and the japanese language)… So there is no family that uses the maiden name.

But then, my mum’s maiden name is actually a made up last name that was picked out of fear of persecution (for sounding too ‘jewish’…) So on her side everyone kind of picked their own. Both my uncles have different last names despite being full blood related.

So yeah, I’ve got a really warped sense of surnames and families and it’s importance… If I get married (whether it be to a man or another female) depending on the connectedness with the family… I might take on their name.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 2:09 am

47 On August 14th, 2009, Keira said:

… and the “mailman getting confused” is as funny as some of the reasons Queenslanders (here in Aus) gave for not introducing daylight savings:
“the cows will get confused”
“the curtains would fade”

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 3:00 am

48 On August 14th, 2009, Lori said:

Except for me, my family is very conservative (no gay marriage, creationist etc.) and none of them had any difficulty with it. I really doubt any of them would support a legal requirement that women change their names.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the differences were more generational than ideological. I know that, in my family, I don’t think anybody under about 65, no matter what their political leanings, had an issue with my hyphenating my name (or cousins who kept their name), and haven’t found it weird or confusing. But, many of my older relatives, even the ones who are relatively liberal, continue to send me mail as Mrs. Lori Husband’s-Last-Name or even Mrs. Husband’s Name. And I wonder if some people, especially people who grew up when taking your husband’s name was the norm, think it already is a legal requirement to do so, and so didn’t think they were advocating for a change in the law, but for keeping it the same.

There may also be gender differences, too. Most of the people I’ve talked about this with have been women. I wouldn’t be surprised if 1) most men don’t give much thought to the issue since they assume they’ll be keeping their name no matter what, and so haven’t reflected for even a moment on it (and might have a different answer if they did) and 2) have no idea what the laws are regarding name changes, since they generally don’t do it, and so think it’s already the law that women take their husband’s names. I’ve known women who’s husbands just assumed she’d take his name, but once they actually discussed it, he realized it was no big deal and was fine with her keeping her own or hyphenating.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 5:41 am

49 On August 14th, 2009, PlusSizedFeminist said:

So let me get this straight. I’m the only one left in my family on either side who has my last name since my father died recently. Now, the day I marry, I’m just supposed to give that completely up, no questions asked just because the MAILMAN WOULD GET CONFUSED??? They can take that and shove it.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 7:57 am

50 On August 14th, 2009, SteveD said:

I have thought it was something Women did except when their last name was famous or such. Ie Kennedy or such.

But it’s the 21st Century and I would think it’s not a biggie. If they both have no problems, who cares?

I was quite happy when my Ex got remarried and lost my last name.

SteveD

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 8:26 am

51 On August 14th, 2009, limesarah said:

Friends of mine who married a couple of years ago combined the syllables of their last names, which I find a rather ideal solution if you have names where that works. Sadly, my boyfriend and I both have [syllable]-man last names, and combining the two prefixes would end up with something incredibly saccharine.

And somehow, the mailman still manages to find us. So long as it has the right address on it, I’m pretty sure the postal service will deliver a letter to our apartment addressed to “God-Emperor of Mars”.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 8:54 am

52 On August 14th, 2009, Amy said:

I did change my name when I got married, but I really liked how my husband’s last name sounded with mine, and I’ve told him before that if I hadn’t liked his last name I might have kept mine. LOL! He wouldn’t have been offended either way by my choice.

The only issue I can think of with keeping one’s own name is that if/when you have kids and start hyphenating, you’re going to end up with some name along the lines of Brown-Smith-Jones-Peterson-Wild-McEvans-Parks-Stuart a few generations down the road if people keep on doing it.

Anyway, reading this post made me feel a little bit crazy. Seriously, women should ‘lose their identity’??? *big eye roll*

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am

53 On August 14th, 2009, JM said:

I confused the mailman by changing my name when I got married. I bought the house we live in years before we even met, so I spent a couple of weeks getting mail with little question marks next to the new name. Same thing happened at work: people literally didn’t know who I was for a while and frankly, I enjoyed causing the confusion.

In my family, it was literally assumed from birth that we’d (a) get married and (b) adopt our husbands’ last names. Neither my sister nor I was given a middle name, so it was only after getting married thta I “got” a middle initial.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 10:32 am

54 On August 14th, 2009, DRST said:

*sigh* When my nephew was born (this was 23 years ago) my BIL had to go home and get the marriage certificate and bring it to the hospital to prove he was married to my sister, because she’d kept her last name and the hospital demanded proof of it before they finished the paperwork.

That said, if by some miracle I was in a position to get married, I’d probably want to trade names since our last name has 9 letters and only 2 vowels and gets mangled all the time. Then again, I have a “name” now in my field, and I’d have to keep it or risk losing that history. All of which is a theoretical exercise since I’m pretty sure I’ll never even come close to getting married.

DRST

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 11:19 am

55 On August 14th, 2009, Rachel said:

@DRST: If you click on the Feministing link in the post, you’ll see that this is still a problem for new parents even in the 21st century. How depressing… Like women can’t be trusted to name the father of their baby.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 11:28 am

56 On August 14th, 2009, Twistie said:

JM, my parents assumed the same thing about me, and gave me the same sort of name. It was assumed that I would use my mother’s maiden name as my middle name until I got married and started using my own maiden name as my middle name.

Of course nobody explained this to me until I was in high school and freaking tired of explaining to every person who handed me a form – not to mention plenty of classmates – that I had no middle name at all. When it was explained, I wasn’t interested. It wasn’t that I disliked my mother’s maiden name per se, but more I was miffed that nobody had ever bothered to tell me what the rules were, combined with the fact that her maiden name was both difficult to spell, hard for others to pronounce, and sounded utterly suckbutt with both my first and my father’s last name.

So when I was eighteen, I circumvented the middle name dilemma by giving one to myself. I didn’t even bother to do it legally, I just started using a middle initial in my signature and a full middle name to all legal/official documents. Nobody has ever questioned it, even the ones who have seen my birth certificate with no middle name listed.

It was worth my mother’s tears just to never again have a document handed back to me as unfinished and have to explain YET AGAIN that my parents never gave me a middle name and have to watch AGAIN someone look as though I’d just announced that I prefer to have sex with chihuahuas rather than iguanas.

Besides, at the time I figured that when I had a daughter, I would name her after my mother. Didn’t happen, but that was the plan.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 12:44 pm

57 On August 14th, 2009, No Celery Please said:

I planned to keep my name, but when I told my now-husband that, he just looked so sad… I decided to hyphenate. Now, I have a long-ass name that doesn’t fit on any form, EVER! It is handy, though… if I am talking to someone whom I think I might have to care about, I go to the trouble of giving and spelling my name. If it’s something like a reservation or order or something, I give my husband’s (common and easy to spell) name.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 3:22 pm

58 On August 14th, 2009, Crimson Wife said:

I changed my middle name to my maiden name and took my husband’s last name when we got married. That’s what most of my friends have done when they’ve married. So if Jane Doe marries John Smith, she goes by Jane Doe Smith. A few have hyphenated (Jane Doe-Smith) but not too many have kept their maiden name.

I think it’s a generational thing, because my mom kept her maiden name when she married back in the late ’70’s and so did many of the women I know who are now 45-60ish.

While I think it’s a nice sentiment to add one’s husband’s name to one’s own, I absolutely think it ought to be voluntary.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 4:52 pm

59 On August 14th, 2009, Michelle said:

When I was a kid, my mom proved to me that it didn’t matter what name was on a letter by pre-addressing an envelope to Kabibble Shishkabob and insisting that I mail it to her from summer camp. She got the letter, no problem.

I am totally flabbergasted that half the people in that study thought I should have been forced to change my name. I hope that’s not a representative sample.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 5:04 pm

60 On August 14th, 2009, fietser said:

I’m not surprised at all.

To this day, my mom thinks that I am being legally fraudulent by continuing to use my maiden name. She knows I put my own name on the marriage license, but she thinks that I only got away with that because the office people didn’t catch my “illegal” application. She sends mail to my real name, but on the rare occasion she writes me a check, it will only be to myfirst hislast, because she doesn’t want to get in trouble with da law.

My brother’s wife didn’t change her name, either. Mom is baffled as to how we both manage to get away with it.

posted on August 14th, 2009 at 10:32 pm

61 On August 15th, 2009, cggirl said:

OMG i sooooo agree with you. A friend of mine was just telling me about HER friend, and the exasperating thing she said. The friend-of-my-friend said that she didn’t want to change her name, but her husband wanted her to, so as a middle ground she decided to hyphenate. And my friend rightly so said, THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE GROUND!!! one side would be them both having the husbands last name, the other side would be them both taking the wife’s. And a middle ground would be, say, they both hyphenate (though whichever name is last might have more effect), or they choose a new name together, or they each keep their name. It drove my friend crazy that this skewed version of both options was so off kilter, so assymetrical. She said to me, “doesn’t she get that its ALREADY not an equal compromise for the woman to hyphenate and then man to just keep his name?” I hear her. the lack of logic just killed us.

I’m also shocked that anyone would want the law to require this. OH MY GOD. The nice thing for me is I’m married to a guy who offered to change his name to mine if i wanted. Since we don’t have any kids (yet), and we’re used to our own names, we just kept our names. But if/when we want to unify them, it’s nice to know i dont HAVE to do anything. Wouldn’t it be nice – for those of us who do want the family to have the same name – to just pick the name we like better phonetically or something? Also, if we do have kids, i trust that he will have NO problem giving them my last name. By the way, the nice thing is back home (israel) i do know some couples who go with the woman’s name, if they happen to like that name more, or who both hyphenate (which would become complicated if every generation did it, because the names would get really long, but still it’s nice for those couples), or even pick a new name sometimes.

posted on August 15th, 2009 at 2:28 am

62 On August 17th, 2009, newlyveg said:

“We don’t plan on having children, but nor do we ignore the possibility that it might happen by mistake. In that case, I would give our child a hyphenated last name. When I tell people this, they act like it’s child abuse to saddle a kid with a long name, to which I reply that it’s customary for a child in Latin countries to have two and even three to four last names and somehow they manage to emerge into adulthood unscathed.”

I lived part of my life in a Latin country and moved to the US at age 13, at which point I went from having two last names, to having one. People are so strange. They act as though having two last names is such a hassle, it’s not like every time someone talks to you they have to call you by all three names! Or every time you introduce yourself you use all three names. Its just another absurd excuse people come up with, which only goes to show just how ethnocentric some people are, it hasn’t even ocurred to them that this isn’t really an issue in many parts of the world.

Sigh…

posted on August 17th, 2009 at 9:01 am

63 On August 17th, 2009, Morte said:

This is a subject I’ve talked about and thought about a lot. Idenitity and name are so intertwined it is a fascinating subject!

Personally when I got married I kept my maiden name as a second middle name so legally my name is First Middle Maiden Last. If i had hyphenated my name it would have been 17 characters long including the hyphen which seems a bit excessive to me. So I went for my husband’s shorter (and slightly easier to spell* and much easier to pronounce) last name. Of course outside of the workplace and with family, I don’t even use my legal name but a nickname I’ve gone by for over a decade.

I got married in 2000, so not even that long ago. When I tried to get my name changed on my driver’s license (I lived in NJ at the time) I was accused of committing identity fraud for insisting that I had two middle names. Despite the fact that my SS card has my full legal name on it. The extremely rude manager at the DMV actually shouted at me about it. It has consistently been a problem any time I want my legal name on things b/c the DMV here in WA is not equipped to allow two middle initials/names and most official forms don’t allow this either.

My cousin and her ex-husband had a unique approach. Both of them legally have their mothers’ maiden names as their last names, which they wanted to keep. When they had a son they gave him HIS own last name.

*as a side note myself and both my siblings could spell our 9 letter long last name before we entered school because we heard our mom spelling it to others so often.

posted on August 17th, 2009 at 5:49 pm

64 On August 21st, 2009, merri said:

Lol the mailman would get confused? I live with roommates… maybe I should change my name so it’s the same as theirs to make the mail person’s job easier. I cant believe fifty percent wanted it to be a law! I don’t understand this whole concept of people wanting to force their beliefs on others…I know it happens all the time but it never ceases to puzzle me.

posted on August 21st, 2009 at 3:20 pm

65 On August 23rd, 2009, ultracreep said:

I changed my name when I got married for one reason and one reason only. My husband had an uber-cool italian last name (which is also the name on plenty of good wines) and it makes me feel like I’m precariously in cahoots with a mafioso. hehe. Nothing more, nothing less.

posted on August 23rd, 2009 at 6:47 pm