Open post: Raising feminist boys?

28th July 2009

Open post: Raising feminist boys?

It’s a boy! My impending nephew, that is. My brother David and his wife just found out last week and called me yesterday with the good news. Chase Daniel Richardson is set to arrive sometime in mid-December to a somewhat dysfunctional but very supportive extended family who are all wild with anticipation at our first grandchild and nephew.

My brother is progressive on a lot of things, but at 24 and with a vocational degree in EMS, he’s way uneducated and uninformed about the world. He’s taken a lot of cues from my older, very conservative and equally uneducated and uninformed brother who sadly worships the ground Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly walk on. You can see why I’ve always suspected that I’m adopted. Struggling with paying for a pregnancy without healthcare has caused David to reconsider the positions of his liberal heathen sister on women’s rights and especially reproductive rights, and the specter of becoming a parent himself has made him rethink his stance on gay marriage and the rights of gay people to foster and adopt, but he’s still the kind of guy who’d freak out if his son ever sported nail polish. I intend to do everything within my rightful power as a childless aunt with plenty of disposable income and a healthy zeal for wiling away the afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese to ensure that this kid grows up to be a liberally-minded feminist in spite of his parents.

So, here’s the open post topic of the day: How do you raise feminist boys? And more specifically to my situation, how do you raise a feminist nephew when his parents are mildly conservative? I’d love to hear tips and advice from other feminists, parents or not.

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1 On July 28th, 2009, Lori said:

I don’t know. Before I had a child, I assumed it would be both easy and desirable to guide my child towards a particular ideological stance. Now, I don’t know. My son is who he is, and he’ll be who he’ll be. I have limited control over what he’ll eventually believe, and I definitely don’t want to push so hard as to have him rebel by going in the opposite direction.

I guess mostly I’ve tried to limit his exposure to media that really pushes gender stereotypes, and to provide him with a bunch of options then let him do what he wants to do. I realized when he was little that you can’t force a kid who doesn’t want a doll to play with a doll. My son had and continues to have NO interest in dolls, or playing house, or doing traditionally “girly” things, for the most part. But, when he was really small, he used to pretend to breastfeed his Hot Wheels cars (after a race, so they could sleep ), and now he cuddles and coos over bugs and worms he finds in the yard. And, that’s all fine. He’s a much more “boyish” boy than I would have imagined my husband and I would have, but it’s who he is, and I realized pretty early on that that’s not just okay, but great.

I try to read him books that have female and male characters doing non-traditional things, but we also read plenty of stories where people are doing traditional things. I would highly recommend, when he’s older, It’s Not the Stork, which is a great, great book for early learning about sex, sexuality, and reproduction. It makes sure that the biological differences between males and females aren’t taken to equate to other differences, and presents all different types of families (and bodies) in a very straightforward and accepting way. I’d say it’s probably not appropriate for a child under about 4, though.

posted on July 28th, 2009 at 8:22 pm

2 On July 28th, 2009, Literate Shrew said:

I think the most important thing is modeling. You can talk until your blue in the face, but kids will do what they see their parents, family, adult caregivers (and, yes, peers) doing.

So I guess my advice boils down to just keep being your awesome, progressive self in front of him without shame. Most importantly, be a person he can talk to if he has ideas that differ from his parents. Create a safe place, free of judgment, for him. Too many of us grew up without that.

And congrats!

posted on July 28th, 2009 at 8:33 pm

3 On July 28th, 2009, SteveD said:

Gee I think it’s what the person is and very little of how their raised. More important he be raised to respect other people and their values.

If he has the desire to play with Dolls that will just happen. We all have to make our choices in this life.

Hopefully he can be given the good education and go on to College to get a good paying job. I have a son who is 22 and wish he would have done better in school. He’s waking up now (Got out of Army after 18months and finding out how hard to get job with GED)

I know when I was young it was Guns and Hunting and then Cars and Women. Still like Guns and Women.

Try to teach him honesty is the best way to go thru life. I never could reach my son when 12-16 that he could not lie. Some things you cannot get thru to them.

Wish you luck!

Now go get him some GI Joe for the New Movie (should be toys out for that soon or now)

SteveD

4 On July 28th, 2009, Lori said:

I was just getting my son to bed and remembered the Dora umbrella incident, which I don’t think was one of my finest moments as a parent, but which for me just represented some of the tensions I feel around this.

When my son was almost 3, he needed an umbrella, and we went to Target to pick one our. He decided he wanted a pink Dora umbrella. Which would have been fine, except this was an umbrella he’d be bringing to school, a preschool that had a lot of older kids and kids who were NOT (as kids often aren’t) particularly open to non-traditional gender roles. I did not want my son to be teased at school for having a pink umbrella. I didn’t want him to think that there was anything wrong with a boy having a pink umbrella. And yet it seemed like, if I sent him to school with a pink umbrella, he would probably learn exactly what I didn’t want him to learn: that it’s not okay for boys to have pink umbrellas. I wish it weren’t the case, but I know that a parent can tell a child over and over that something is fine, and if other kids don’t agree, kids will start trusting the other kids over their parents at a very early age. Eventually my husband and I showed him the Diego umbrella, and he decided he wanted that one, and the problem was averted. I wouldn’t have come out and said, “No, you can’t have a pink umbrella,” but I was also relieved he picked a different one. I felt terrible for not just getting him the Dora umbrella, but at the same time, I felt like he wasn’t old enough to understand that there could be social consequences for a boy having a pink umbrella, and I didn’t want him to have to deal with those consequences. I don’t know, as a parent, how much responsibility I have for shielding my child from negative social consequences when it’s within my power (and won’t harm or shame him) to do so and how much I should just let him have those experiences. I did feel, though, that I didn’t want him to learn about gender expectations by having other kids treat him badly.

I guess I’m still at a point where I want my son to know about all the wonderful diversity of human life, but I don’t want him to know that some people don’t like it. I think it’s wonderful that he knows that some of our friends and neighbors are boys who love other boys or girls who love other girls the way that me and his daddy love each other, but I don’t want him to know that there are people who think that’s wrong. I want him to know that people’s bodies come in all different sizes and shapes and colors, and that that’s wonderful, and I don’t want him to know that there are people who will judge and shame others for it. I want him to know that there are lots of ways to be a boy and lots of ways to be a girl, and I don’t want him to know that there are people who don’t think it should be that way. As he gets older, I guess I need to be more willing to let him see that side of the world, but I hate it. He’s 5 now and about to enter kindergarten, and the idea of losing so much control over what he knows about the world is scary.

posted on July 28th, 2009 at 8:37 pm

5 On July 28th, 2009, SteveD said:

It’s a shame we have to conform to what Society Norms instead of what we want to be. But for a Child you did the RIGHT thing. Peer pressure can be pretty great.

I hate the remarks some say because someone like Pink or certain items they are Gay. Sexual Org has nothing to do with things like that. From what I understand that is in our genes. I guess we can blame fate?

I have found most gay people nice folks. (I Volunteer at AIDS agency and about 1/2 the clients are gay).

Anyway back on subj. That is the TV programming our kids. Big factor in modern life.

SteveD

posted on July 28th, 2009 at 9:15 pm

6 On July 28th, 2009, Monica said:

I think if you (and your brother and sister-in-law) really emphasize respect for people, feminism will come naturally. I mean, I’m talking respect at the deepest level. My cousin has a three-year-old daughter and ten-month-old twins (boy and girl), and she treats them all as though they’re people, not children. I think it makes all the difference in the world. I think if you see people as people, then gender just matters a lot less.

7 On July 28th, 2009, lilacsigil said:

I have two brothers, both of whom are feminists. One is now a father and is raising two feminist sons. My parents respected each other, both did traditional “male” and “female” jobs around the house and expected the same from their kids. My mum was a stay-at-home mum until I was 11, then went back to work and study, and is now still working while my dad is retired. Modelling feminist behaviour is far, far more important than anything they could say.

posted on July 28th, 2009 at 9:49 pm

8 On July 28th, 2009, Jess said:

As much as I agree with you, is it really your place? It sounds a little condescending to call your siblings uneducated and whatnot. I think parents should parent their children, and it’s not the end of the world if the boy grows up conservative. You will, I’m sure, have times to impart your own wisdom and outlooks on the kid, but yeah. Maybe I’m misunderstanding, but I wouldn’t want to come across like an overbearing family member.

posted on July 28th, 2009 at 10:39 pm

9 On July 29th, 2009, Apostate said:

Be the cool feminist aunt. Like someone above said, be there for him as a friend, someone to talk to, someone he can trust. And when he gets older, and if he spouts conservative/nonfeminist beliefs, argue with him and plant right-thinking seeds.

I think one of the most important things to help a person develop along the right lines is exposure. Exposure to your plain statement of fact that you’re a feminist, as if there’s nothing wrong or unusual about that. Exposure to your liberal friends, who live unconventional but happy lives. Exposure to your own life, if your life has obvious feminist implications. Exposure to your openly and frequently expressed opinions (this helped my husband become more feminist). Exposure, most of all, to good books.

The rest is up to Maud.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 12:02 am

10 On July 29th, 2009, Bronwyn said:

I wish you luck. My advice would be don’t try to do anything special other than just telling him when the opportunity presents itself that everyone is equal and entitled to their own lifestyle, etc. And it sounds like your brother is coming around, so it may not even be as hard as you think.

I still struggle though, especially with the whole macho thing.. just the other day I heard someone complaining that their 4 year old boy was doing ballet moves, saying “Yeah, I keep telling him they are kung fu moves…” with the obvious implication “ZOMG WAT IF HE TURNS OUT GAYYYYY?”

There’s frankly nothing you can do about the socialization he’s going to receive at school and from his family but I bet if you spend some time being favorite-aunt material that you’ll have a nice influence- so long as you’re not trying to control him. All you can do is expose someone to a viewpoint, you can’t force it on them.

Which is something I’m sure you already know.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 2:34 am

11 On July 29th, 2009, Malcolm said:

I was raised feminist by a strongly feminist mother (and a supportive, caring, respectful-of-mom father).

I think the thing that made and kept me feminist most strongly was being taught the art of Processing (assertiveness training, fairness, fair-fighting, active listening, co-counselling, transactional analysis, etc.). It was Processing that allowed me as a boy to open my mouth in feminist spaces and not firmly stick my foot in it. It was Processing that helped me make strong, fast friends with strong feminist women.

Beyond that, an interest and a personal stake in civil rights and civil liberties also kept me feminist to this day (and beyond).

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 7:28 am

12 On July 29th, 2009, Misty said:

[quote]how do you raise a feminist nephew when his parents are mildly conservative[/quote]

The answer is, you don’t. If you want to raise feminist boys, have some children of your own. It is certainly NOT your place to try to intrude on the upbringing of someone else’s children.

Just imagine if someone with conservative leanings were moulding your children to adopt their right-wing ideology. You’d be incensed — and rightly so. Have some empathy, and don’t you do the same thing to someone else’s kids.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 12:21 pm

13 On July 29th, 2009, sarah said:

OK, first of all, I totally disagree with everyone who says “IT’S NOT YOUR RIGHT” etc etc. I mean, that’s straight-up B.S. People on both sides of the aisle clearly believe in the “right” to influence other people’s children ideologically–otherwise there would be no debate over sex ed in schools. Like yes, if her brother tried to influence her children in a less “progressive” manner, it would bother her but she, as a parent, would be able to say “son/daughter, this isn’t what i believe, let me explain why” and then the kid could decide for him/herself. What Rachel’s talking about is, as far as I’m concerned, giving the boy options. He’s already growing up in a world where women are treated as “less than” or objectified. It seems possible that his parents have similar attitudes. There’s nothing wrong with introducing him to alternatives. It won’t brainwash him. Ultimately he will process all of his different experiences and information and make up his own mind.

As for people who say it’s condescending to call your sibling uninformed, etc–you’ve maybe never had a sibling who you disagree with drastically, politically? I mean, I completely sympathize with Rachel’s situation. I think my brother is a smart, great guy, but I find his worldview to be insanely narrow-minded and bigoted. Such is life. When he has children, I will find myself in the same position.

As for the original question, I think media is important. Exposing a child to books, movies, etc with diverse characters and progressive ideals can go a long way. Encouraging open expression via art projects and writing is great, because it will eventually bring up pertinent issues that you can discuss with each other. Small kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. If they can understand how bad it feels to be left out at the playground, they can understand discrimination.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 3:38 pm

14 On July 29th, 2009, Flower Power said:

What Misty said. When my conservative brother had children, I tried to intervene as the progressive aunt, but I learned quickly that parents don’t like busybody relatives, so I let it go.

And his kids are turning out great! They’re not junior Rush Limbaughs just because my brother and sister-in-law are conservative.

I’d rather that kids make their own decisions and arrive at their own destinations than echo back what someone told them to think.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 3:58 pm

15 On July 29th, 2009, Lisa said:

You may want to be careful here of offending the parents. Though your intentions may be good, if they are as seriously right-wing as you suggest, you may find yourself with limited time with your nephew. My ultra republican religious parents found this to be the case with my girls once they came home spouting a bunch of crap about Jesus.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 4:10 pm

16 On July 29th, 2009, Rachel_in_WY said:

I think the most important thing kids can emerge from childhood with are critical thinking skills. They’re unavoidably going to be exposed to all sorts of crap in the media and other assorted pop culture mediums, so the best thing you can do is talk, talk, talk with them. Model critical thinking (“I don’t really like the princess stories because they tell you that…”), and encourage them to discuss things with you and be critical of the things they see and hear. My 5 y/o stepdaughter already says things like “I don’t think that was a very nice thing to say, because…” and “that commercial makes girls look silly.” I take these comments to be signs of success. Of course, kids who have these kinds of critical and argumentation skills aren’t always easy to deal with (you can’t pull the old “because I said so” shtick, and they learn to approach each discussion well-prepared: “you should let me have a slumber party for the following three reasons…”), but in the long-run they’re better served by these kinds of skills than by indoctrination.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 4:19 pm

17 On July 29th, 2009, Lisa said:

One other thing…the college degree you have doesn’t make you any better or any smarter than those of us with lesser degrees and we can be just as informed about the world as you. I know plenty of people with a Masters degree with less common sense and tact than a peanut. Then there’s the case of money…I may only have a 2yr vocational degree, but I make roughly 15K more per year than another person I know with a bachelor’s who has been at the same job for 10yrs. I’ve been at mine roughly a year.

It might help your blog in the long run if you try not to alienate your audience. Some of them may only have a (gasp!) high school diploma.

18 On July 29th, 2009, Liza said:

I think your best bet is to just slip in subtle things without trying to shove in too much. That way the kid will get exposure to other ideas and you won’t be the overbearing aunt.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 5:17 pm

19 On July 29th, 2009, Ellen said:

I agree with Rachel. If you believe that your ideology is unequivocally right, which you obviously do or you wouldn’t be concerned about young Chase’s upbringing, it follows that any thoughtful, intelligent young man would naturally settle on this ideology regardless of upbringing. So don’t try to make him liberal. How would you like it if your conservative relatives tried to make your kid conservative? Try to help him see things in a critical, even-handed, and open minded way and he’ll probably get there himself. Personally, my parents are both politically conservative Christians. I am a liberal atheist, and I don’t think any other upbringing would have changed that. It’s just the way I am. You get to a certain point at which your parents’ beliefs aren’t necessarily your beliefs, and from then on, you’ll just become what you’ll become I think. I will also add that despite being conservative, my parents are not ignorant, gender-imprisoned neanderthals who beat up gay people for fun. They’re just conservative. It’s not the end of the world. Being accepting of others cuts both ways, you know. Plus, you can be conservative in some ways and liberal in others. My brother is economically very conservative but socially liberal.

I don’t know how helpful this is, but I feel I should share this story. My mom was very protective of what my brother and I watched on TV and in movies when we were kids. She failed, however, to distinguish between what she didn’t like because it was “inappropriate” (ie, sexual innuendo, swears, blood spurting, etc. oh noes!) and what she didn’t like because it supported shaky ethics, was sexist, or was just plain misanthropic. When she objected to something, that something got turned off. So one time we were all watching some comedian on TV, and he had this joke involving him having sex with a woman he deemed ugly and putting a paper bag over her head. Mom was offended, and it got turned off. Only years and years later do I see the difference between that and the Nutty Professor II (the Eddie Murphy one) getting turned off because our hero’s fat bulges made him look like he had a boner at his wedding. Of course, now I see that they were both crap, but I wish I’d known the difference. I don’t really know what the moral of the story is. But it took me longer to pick up on sexism in media than I think it would have if my mom had had a different reaction to that which was derogatory and that which was just plain vulgar, but fairly harmless. I guess just watch out for that. If you don’t want him to watch something, make sure he knows why. Better yet, if it’s not too scarring, let him watch with you and discuss afterwords. I wish my parents had done that. I think I would have learned to think critically about movies and such at a younger age.

So, condensed, here’s what I would do.
1. Treat him like an adult. Even now, at 17, I love it when a teacher treats me like an equal rather than a student.
2. If he does/says something objectionable while under your care, correct him and tell him exactly why it’s objectionable. Kids don’t naturally want to hurt others, so if you can make him understand, he’ll stop of his own accord. If you see him do something objectionable while he’s with his folks and they do nothing, don’t try to bring it up later because he probably won’t remember.
3. Don’t try to shield him from conservative views. That’s just doing what you hate when conservatives do except backwards. Unless, like in Lori’s tale, it would bring him abuse he isn’t prepared for.
4. Be a good role model, and treat him like a human, not a male.
5. When he starts listening to music, get him Penis Envy by Crass. That’ll blow any residual chauvinism right out his butt if he’s smart enough to get it.

posted on July 29th, 2009 at 11:14 pm

20 On July 30th, 2009, Kristen said:

“with a vocational degree in EMS, he’s way uneducated and uninformed about the world.”

Do you have any idea how condescending that sounds? While you’re understandable very proud of your brand new Master’s degree, that’s no reason to proclaim someone else “uneducated.” You ought to be less concerned with how other people raise their children, and more concerned with your own elitist view of the world.

posted on July 30th, 2009 at 2:32 am

21 On July 30th, 2009, Jackie said:

I remember reading a few years ago, about a boy who was really into collecting Bratz items. The parents, didn’t freak out, and said it was okay for him to have a Bratz room and Bratz stuff, I mean if you walked into the room you’d think they had a daughter.

I think while his situation might be a bit over the top, I think it’s good for boys to learn a bit about what girls are into and why. Being a tomboy, and learning what guys were into when I was younger, has helped me understand men now. It’s good to share with kids some of the world of the opposite sex, before they go into school where when kids are younger the “Boys are icky! Girls are icky!” types of statements start to begin.

I mean, if I hadn’t gone through that phase, I might now have a boyfriend who I met in school. Long story, but he had a crush on me and I was completely blind to it. Kind of wish I could go back and tell myself what was up, but then that would break the space-time continuum. (Is a Back to the Future nerd)

posted on July 30th, 2009 at 8:02 am

22 On July 30th, 2009, SteveD said:

“Boys are icky! Girls are icky!”

Sure are this year. Too Hot. Seattle Broke a record and it’s about 10 degrees too warm here too (Spokane WA).

103f in Seattle?

posted on July 30th, 2009 at 8:33 am

23 On July 30th, 2009, Rachel said:

As much as I agree with you, is it really your place? It sounds a little condescending to call your siblings uneducated and whatnot.

It is certainly NOT your place to try to intrude on the upbringing of someone else’s children.

Just imagine if someone with conservative leanings were moulding your children to adopt their right-wing ideology.

I should note here that my goal is not to brainwash Chase into becoming a high-stepping, liberal poster child of the Democratic party nor am I grooming him to become a Buddhist atheist like myself even though the parents-to-be are agnostic. I already have a niece and three nephews on my husband’s side and both of his brothers and their wives are conservatively religious. I always join them in their prayers and other religious practices and I try to be very sensitive to their beliefs even as I remain true to mine. Rather, what I mean by wanting to help my new nephew become a liberally-minded feminist is that I want him to grow up with a healthy respect for women, gay people, people of color, people with disabilities, people of different religions or no religion, etc… I don’t think that is such a bad thing to want and I don’t see how modeling these values can, in any way, be harmful to any child.

And I can understand why you might think I am being condescending towards my brothers, but I didn’t intend to disparage them — I was simply being honest. My brothers ARE uneducated and uninformed. My older brother has a very good job in I.T. making boatloads of money and he can run circles around me in math, science and computer technology, but he’s never finished his college degree and most of the college classes he has taken have been I.T.-related. He lives in the same lily-white community we grew up in, doesn’t read and he’s closed-minded to alternate perspectives and viewpoints. He’s also homophobic, intolerant of other religions even though he’s not a practicing Christian himself, and is unknowingly racist at times. My younger brother got in with a bad crowd in high school and dropped out in his senior year. He went back for his GED and then earned a vocational degree as an emergency medical technician. He knows nothing of world events. Both of my brothers are incredibly smart, but they are also ignorant of the larger world around them and of the historical events that have influenced and contributed to world matters today. A college degree does not an informed citizen make, but knowledge and a desire for it certainly does.

One other thing…the college degree you have doesn’t make you any better or any smarter than those of us with lesser degrees and we can be just as informed about the world as you.

I never said that it did. I was speaking specifically of my two brothers here, whom I know very, very well and can therefore make an honest assessment of. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

posted on July 30th, 2009 at 11:25 am

24 On July 30th, 2009, moxie said:

Ellen brought up some very good points. I was brought up in a very conservative family, but these days I’m more of a libertarian. My advice would be don’t make fun of or insult the parent’s views around the child, kids can pick up on that negative energy and it’ll just make things uncomfortable for the child. Rather, be a kind, fun aunt and a positive role model for him. If you get to hang out with him for a day, take him to an event or activity that enforces your values. If he doesn’t something you don’t care for, correct him gently.

Eventually, he’ll have to make up his own mind on political issues. At least at that point, he’ll have seen that both liberals and conservatives can be normal, happy people and that regardless of political views, people ARE capable of being tolerant and accepting others with differing views. That’s something that I think both sides of the political spectrum miss at times.

posted on July 30th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

25 On July 30th, 2009, Christine said:

I too interpreted the comment in much the same way as Kristen and Lisa. I understand that you were specifically speaking about your brothers, but when I read it, it came across to me as “vocational degree = uneducated and uninformed individuals.” Your brothers may be undereducated and uninformed in some areas, but do quite well in others– just as every individual who has a two-year degree.

posted on July 30th, 2009 at 8:17 pm

26 On July 31st, 2009, Lori said:

I just wanted to add, to the “Girls are icky! Boys are icky!” thing, that make sweeping generalizations is totally normal and probably healthy for kids. It’s a sign that they’re trying to make sense of the world.

My son comes out with generalizations all the time. He will declare “Girls are bossy!” And, rather than correcting him, I just try to talk him through it. “Interesting. Why do you think that?” And, invariably, it’s because he was playing with a girl friend of his who is, indeed, very bossy. H is a girl, H is bossy, therefore girls are bossy. It’s flawed logic, but he’s trying to find patterns. I’ll usually just try to ask him more questions. “What about Dorothy? She’s a girl, but she’s not bossy.” “Can you think of any boys you know who are bossy?” And I won’t try to sum it up with some sort of “See, boys and girls can both be bossy” moral, I just let him grapple with it as best as he can.

posted on July 31st, 2009 at 12:10 pm

27 On July 31st, 2009, Rachel said:

I understand that you were specifically speaking about your brothers, but when I read it, it came across to me as “vocational degree = uneducated and uninformed individuals.”

Well, my older brother doesn’t have a vocational degree and I included him as uneducated and uninformed, so I wasn’t specifically making that link. I mentioned the vocational degree simply because the degree includes training and education on a specific vocation — EMS — and does not include a liberal curriculum including history, math, science, etc…

How would you like it if your conservative relatives tried to make your kid conservative? …I will also add that despite being conservative, my parents are not ignorant, gender-imprisoned neanderthals who beat up gay people for fun. They’re just conservative. It’s not the end of the world. Being accepting of others cuts both ways, you know.

I should clarify: The word “liberal” gets a bad rap these days (as does “feminist”) and is mostly associated with the dichotomy of conservative (Republican)/liberal (Democrat). That’s not what I meant –I meant “liberal” in the sense that one is open-minded and tolerant, a humanist. And being accepting of others does not mean that you have to accept that which they promote or try to legislate into law.

…You get to a certain point at which your parents’ beliefs aren’t necessarily your beliefs, and from then on, you’ll just become what you’ll become I think.

I also grew up in a conservative (and racist and homophobic) household, so I agree with you to an extent. However, the fact that I am now a political anomaly in my family is, in part, due to maturation and education, but also because I met and became friends with people from all different backgrounds, ethnicities, sexual orientations, etc… Many studies have shown that people become less -ist when they stop viewing the object of their -ism as the other and begin seeing them as a person. When you’re raised in a conservative (or liberal) vacuum, you don’t really have the freedom to choose what you’ll become. Brandon and I aren’t planning on having children, but should it happen, I’m actually glad that our kid would have one mildly and one uber conservative uncles for the same reason that I plan to expose them to a variety of religions –I want them to see all possible viewpoints so that they can make informed decisions as to what it is that they believe and think right.

posted on July 31st, 2009 at 3:10 pm

28 On August 1st, 2009, Ellen said:

Ah. Thanks for clarifying what you meant by liberal. That can happen.

I didn’t mean you had to accept what conservatives accept, I just meant you have to accept that they accept it. I’m not saying you do this, but a lot of people fall into a trap of being very conscious and very accepting of those who are discriminated against or made to feel abnormal in our culture, but fall short when it comes to accepting those who are less accepting than them. I do it myself. I make a point to expose myself to and understand people of groups who are or traditionally have been marginalized. If I have some kind of qualm or bad impression of some group, I recognize that as simple fear of the unknown. Then I’ll turn right around and unabashedly generalize and hate on conservatives. I develop an “us and them” type mentality. I don’t feel bad about stereotyping the conservatives because they’re rich snobs who don’t want to deal with weird and/or poorer people, and I feel all cool and socially-conscious about accepting the racial minorities/gays/transexuals/”ugly” people/ect. because those poor, oppressed people must be so glad to have someone who will look out for them. Obviously, I’m actually being awful. The conservatives don’t deserve my reverse classism because they never said they were better than anyone, and even if they did, my feeling would just support that notion. The various hated-upon groups don’t deserve my patronizing branding of self-serving acceptance, and they don’t need my pity. Such an attitude only confirms the idea that they are pitiful. Plus putting people into groups in the first place is condescending. We’re all individuals. I mean, it’s like lunch tables in middle school, and I don’t think ANYBODY wants to revisit that.

In response to your comment about your conservative parents: definitely definitely definitely expose him to as many kinds of people as you can. The lack of diversity definitely slowed down my social development. It is SO much harder if you have to do that on your own. I just meant that you probably can’t change his base inclinations. Kids don’t have base inclinations to hate, though. They don’t care; they’ll play with whoever. They don’t even notice that crap. So I imagine if you start early enough, that kind of crustiness won’t have too much of a chance to set in. The earlier he can listen to someone’s opinion and stand it up against his personal experience rather than just assume it’s true because he has no basis for comparison, the better. I really like what you said about seeing “others” as people. That makes all the difference.

posted on August 1st, 2009 at 11:42 pm