When out of the mouths of babes comes, “Mommy, that lady is FAT.”

16th July 2009

When out of the mouths of babes comes, “Mommy, that lady is FAT.”

posted in Body Image, Fat Bias |

It’s perhaps one of the most innocent social faux pas a child can make: “Mommy, that lady is fat.” So, what’s a red-faced parent to do when their pint-sized darling inadvertently sputters what many consider to be an insult of the worst kind? That’s the dilemma Marjorie Ingall found herself in after her four-year-old daughter Maxine vocalized her observation of a neighbor’s corpulence while out with the babysitter. Marjorie, who has written in other columns of her goal of raising a child with a healthy body image, shared her quandary in the May edition of the Jewish Forward:

When Rita reported this story to me, I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I don’t want Maxine to hurt people’s feelings, of course. But I also don’t want her to grow up thinking “fat” is a dirty word or a terrible insult. Josie, at 7, is much more aware of our culture’s collective disgust about fat. In second grade, “big fat liar” and “fat pig,” are common epithets. She sometimes asks me, “Are you fat?” (I say, “I’m fat and luscious!” or “I’m fat and strong!”) She then asks, “Am I fat?” I tell her, “You’re not fat or skinny; you’re in the middle.” Which is true. But what if it weren’t?

…“fat” isn’t bad, but it can be used as a verbal slap in a way that isn’t nice. When kids in school use “fat” as an insult, that’s exactly what they’re doing.

But Maxine was simply making an observation. And she shouldn’t feel ashamed of that.

Ingall tapped Wendy Shaker, author of The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, and Kiki Scaffer, an educator, for advice. Here’s how they suggested responding in these awkward situations:

Wendy: “A kid’s curiosity is a good thing, and you want to encourage them to observe the world around them. Negating what a child sees by saying ‘Hush’ or ‘She’s not fat!’ sends a very confusing message. The child wasn’t trying to be cruel, yet you’ve just conveyed that she did something wrong.”

Kiki: “Some things we say in big loud voices, and other things we say quietly. We don’t always know how other people feel about being fat or tall or short, so we have to be careful with our out-loud comments.”

Ingall also points out that it’s important to A) not make negative comments about yourself in the presence of children, and B) point out that beauty comes in all sizes, shapes and colors. “The princess in the fairy tale is almost always white, slim and blonde. But in the real world, dark and curvy can be fabulous, too,” she writes. Ingall also draws an interesting parallel that I wish she would have taken further on how fat people are viewed today — unhealthy and disease-prone — to not-so-distant attitudes about Jews (emphasis mine):

…it’s worth remembering that being Jewish itself was once considered unhealthy and distasteful. Not among Jews, of course: According to Sander Gilman’s Diets and Dieting: A Cultural Encyclopedia (Routledge, 2007),… “It is only in modernity that the Jew’s body comes to represent all of the potential for disease and decay associated with the modern body of the fat boy,” Gilman writes. Throughout the 18th and 19th centuries, medical authorities discussed the supposed Jewish predisposition to diabetes being caused by the Jewish diet and “the passionate nature of their temperaments,” a reflection of the “corrupt Jewish soul.”

Has your precocious offspring ever made an impolite observation about someone’s body or weight? How did you handle the situation? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of such comments, and if so, tell us how you reacted.

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1 On July 16th, 2009, datagirl09 said:

I actually was on the receiving end of a similar comment recently. One of my colleague’s children stated to me, “You have a big tummy.” Although not actually calling me fat, the words did hurt nonetheless.

As a former preschool teacher, I know that children often state the obvious, but I also wanted to respond in a way as to not reinforce the idea that this is “BAD”. Basically I responded, “Yes, I do” (with no statements about needing to exercise or other judgements). Although I still felt about an inch tall (my own issues – not this child’s fault) I was pleased that I acknowledged this child’s comment without reinforcing a societal message that I should fix the problem.

Thanks

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

2 On July 16th, 2009, Brynn said:

The other day I was bending over to transfer clothes from the dryer to the laundry basket and my three year old darling comes up behind me and in an awestruck voice intoned “Momma, your butt is HUGE.”

I glanced over at her but before I could respond she gave me her huge genuine smile and said, “I LIKE IT.”

Bullet dodged! Whenever she makes an observation some may find insulting I usually follow Kiki’s above advice and it has worked well so far.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm

3 On July 16th, 2009, Trabb's Boy said:

My six-year-old asked “Why are you so fat?” and I think I handled it okay, saying “some people are fat and some people are thin just like some people are tall and some people are short and some people are pink and some people are brown. We’re all just different.” Which he was cool about and so was I after a good cry later (Not there yet). The next day, he patted my belly again, and said “Kyle’s mom is going to have a baby.” So I think he was asking me if I was pregnant in that sideways way he has.

My kids haven’t commented on strangers’ appearance, for some reason, but if he did say “that woman is fat” I would say, at the same volume he used, “Yup, everybody is different” or “Everyone has their own special shape.” Then quietly, I would tell him that there is a social rule that you aren’t supposed to say anything about the way someone looks if you don’t know them really well. I like to say that there is a social rule about something rather than “It’s not polite to …” because politeness and manners get so mixed up with morals and responsibilities. It’s clearer and less guilt-inducing. Kids understand the idea of rules. Useful when the underlying issue is too complex for that age.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

4 On July 16th, 2009, Jennifer said:

Apparently when I was about that age, I asked a lady in the checkout lane “Why are you so fat?” Bless her heart, her response was “Well, honey, because that’s the way God made me.”

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:37 pm

5 On July 16th, 2009, Sara A. said:

One of my good female friends from college is 6 feet 5 inches tall and for her sake I wish parents were as sensitized to height as they are to body size. We’ll go places and little kids stare or say “Mommy, look at the giant!” and the parents stare right along with the kids or sometimes point her out. I just wish that one parent would say “Yes, that lady is quite tall, Jimmy, but we do not call people giants.” She is much more hurt by rude adults than observant kids, hypothetically the adult should know better.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

6 On July 16th, 2009, ladyjaye said:

The other day at the supermarket, I overheard a little girl of about 3 or 4 tell her mom about me, “the lady has a baby in her tummy” (which I don’t). I should have gone and set her straight (in a nice way), but I didn’t take that opportunity. Meh for me.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

7 On July 16th, 2009, Piffle said:

I like that idea about a social rule; I’ve been telling my kids it’s not polite to comment on people’s bodies in general. It’s been working so far.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm

8 On July 16th, 2009, Jen said:

The social rule thing is a great idea and I hope I remember it for when I need it! So far Gabe just walks up to people and looks at them, then either says hi and waves or nothing at all. He’s not yet 3 though so I know that’ll change.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 2:04 pm

9 On July 16th, 2009, elizabeth said:

Trabb’s boy, I love this: “Everyone has their own special shape.”
children make innocent observations until they learn that something is hurtful; perhaps when we as adults can learn to use fat as a description rather than an insult (internalize the special shape mantra!) it wont matter.
I am pondering how I could have handled the kids I used to babysit “you have yucky red bumps all over your face!”. even though it was true, I was too hurt to do anything but cry (and try to get super skinny to compensate…but that’s off topic!)

10 On July 16th, 2009, rachel with a little r said:

There’s a weight loss commercial, or there was, a few years ago, like that. Where the happy woman with atypical results says, “My son looked at me, and said, ‘Mommy, you are FAT.’ That’s when I made the decision to get healthy…blah blah blah…now look at me!”

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 2:17 pm

11 On July 16th, 2009, Rosa said:

I have a little boy who just turned four. Luckily, he goes to a pretty progressive racially mixed daycare where they talk about difference in a very approving way, and also colorism and racism and culturism. So we just apply that to fat. “Why’s she so fat?” “People are all different.”

The social rule we use is a little different (mostly because he’s in a terrible “why” phase right now) We talk *to* people, not about them. And of course you have to start by saying hi, how are you… that’s pretty discouraging of rude questions in general.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

12 On July 16th, 2009, Phoebe said:

I was at an outdoor festival once when the little boy in front of me in line said, of the large man behind me, “Wow, that man is fat!”

The mother promptly freaked out and tried to force the boy to apologize and when he shyly wouldn’t, she sent the kid to sit in his stroller for a time out. Meanwhile, the man was laughing. “I don’t see why she got so upset about him pointing out the obvious,” he said. Which I thought was great. The woman’s response, maybe not so much.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 2:23 pm

13 On July 16th, 2009, JennyRose said:

This has not happened with my daughter but I do try to stress that people come in all shapes and sizes. I like the idea that we don’t talk about people and that we don’t mention such things until we know the person well. She also doesn’t ask too many questions about the physica features of other people. We rode the elevator with a little person and I did talk to her about it later. She was somewhat curious. I think she was intrigued by the idea of an adult being her own height.

There are 3 rules for communication at her shcool; Is it nice? Is it true? Is it necessary? I try to follow this myself as I am prone to gossip and commenting on what ever is on my mind.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 2:38 pm

14 On July 16th, 2009, Cleric at Large said:

My 3yo waited until we were getting into the car after leaving her Great-Grampa’s birthday party.
“Grampa has a bubble on his neck”. (He has a goiter)
“Yes he does. Everybody is different.”

“Everybody is different. But everybody is beautiful”.

That was a good day.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 2:48 pm

15 On July 16th, 2009, Tanz said:

My kids haven’t commented on weight as yet but they have on other physical attributes; my answer is that everyone is different (”well, you’re taller than your sister and we have brown hair and cousin T has yellow hair – everyone is different”). I think it partly helps that they know a wide range of people of different sizes, shapes, ethnicities and abilities/disabilities. They’re 4 years old and they accept that. (As an aside I wonder of my kids haven’t commented on fat because I am obese, so they’re used to it? Their Dad is normal weight and so are other family members).

I have only heard a small child comment on my weight once and her Mum replied “Yes, she’s fat, and that makes her extra cuddly.” I liked that reply

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 3:36 pm

16 On July 16th, 2009, Twistie said:

I remember at an early age pointing and commenting on a man’s extremely odd hair. My mother tugged me gently around to look at her, and informed me in a tone I knew better than to argue with or question that ‘we do not comment on peoples’ looks and we do not point at strangers.’

Message received. It wasn’t my business and it wasn’t nice to make loud comments or draw peoples’ attention to it, either.

Funnily enough, when kids started teasing me at school about having a fat mother, I didn’t say much, but my internal response was to question whether they had mothers who cared enough to teach them how to behave themselves in public. I quietly came to the conclusion that they must not and pitied them without a peep.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 4:05 pm

17 On July 16th, 2009, spoonfork38 said:

I think Trabb’s Boy nails it.

My 6-year old and I have had the talk about commenting on other people’s bodies (”Some people are sensitive about how they look, honey, so it’s best not to say anything if you aren’t sure. But if you have any questions later, I’ll answer them.”).

We’ve also discussed that some mean people (who don’t know any better) think that ‘fat’ means ’stupid, smelly, dirty, and ugly’ and use it to try to hurt others. We know it isn’t a bad word, but since some people might not know that you aren’t saying it to hurt, it’s best not to call someone fat (or tall, or short, or blond, or brunette for that matter) unless you know they’ll understand that you’re only using it as a description. And if someone calls us fat, even if they mean to hurt us, we can laugh and say, “Thank you! And you’re tall (or short, or blond or brunette, etc.).” Because we know that fat just means fat.

This can be a tough balance for parents who want to raise their kids to be FA!

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 4:37 pm

18 On July 16th, 2009, Witchylana said:

My 7 year old was filling out a similies worksheet on the weekend – As cute as a a *bug*; As clear as *crystal*; As fat as a _______ – She crossed out ‘a’ and wrote “my mummy” then gave me a big hug “‘cos I like squishy hugs”. She’s got a bully at school mystified that calling her fat dosen’t have an effect (calling her stupid however – that requires a bit of reassurance afterwards).

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 4:45 pm

19 On July 16th, 2009, Lexie Di said:

I’ve been on the receiving end of this comment by children. Usually, I just smile and wave cheerily at the child to let them know that, yes, I’m fat, and I’m also nice.

I have a friend who is very protective of me and who knows I’m part of the Fat Acceptance movement. She’s in the middle when it comes to size, not fat, not thin. The other day, while I was driving the both of us to a mutual friend’s house, a young woman ran into the street in order to cross, making me stop. My friend rolled her eyes as murmured “Skinny bitch.” I was horrified. I said, “Amy, just because I’m for fat acceptance, doesn’t mean anyone should be discriminated against for their body shape. To me, fat acceptance is just a more specific goal to the major goal of body acceptance.” I think she understands better what it’s all about, now.
((I know, it’s not quite the same topic. But she was saying things to make me feel like she was on my side. It was an mistake made out of friendship.))

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm

20 On July 16th, 2009, JennyRose said:

Lexie D – you have a great friend!

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 5:16 pm

21 On July 16th, 2009, Blimp said:

On July 16th, 2009, Twistie said:

I remember at an early age pointing and commenting on a man’s extremely odd hair. My mother tugged me gently around to look at her, and informed me in a tone I knew better than to argue with or question that ‘we do not comment on peoples’ looks and we do not point at strangers.’

Message received. It wasn’t my business and it wasn’t nice to make loud comments or draw peoples’ attention to it, either.

Right On!

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 8:12 pm

22 On July 16th, 2009, Twistie said:

Yeah, Blimp, my mom pretty much rocked.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 8:36 pm

23 On July 17th, 2009, Lexie Di said:

JennyRose: I love her to death. ^_^

On another note: I think, if/when I have kids I’m going to teach them to do something I like to do. That is… For everyone that catches your eye, name something you like about them. Their hair, their outfit, their smile. Anything! It’s a good boost for self esteem for you, and (if you get the chance to say it to the person) the person you say it to!

posted on July 17th, 2009 at 1:36 am

24 On July 17th, 2009, Jackie said:

Lexie Di, that’s a great way to go about life. It’s also a good idea for people like myself who have social anxiety disorder, and tend to freak out when trying to know what to say to people they don’t know.

posted on July 17th, 2009 at 4:34 pm

25 On July 17th, 2009, Tante Terri said:

I have had the experience a few times where a kid comments on how fat I am (seems to always be at the supermarket). And the parents are always mortified, even though I smile and tell the kids they are absolutely right. I am fat! And then I tell them how people come in all sizes and colors and that is a really good thing.

The funny thing is, the kids aren’t being mean – they always have this sense of wonder – it’s more of a wow moment for them.

My favorite was a little asian girl who looked at me, looked at her mom, looked at me and said “You’re a BIG momma!” She got it in one!

I do appreciate some folks might get their feelings hurt, but I think it is so important to teach little ones that being different is okay – because at some point we each get to be the different one.

posted on July 17th, 2009 at 5:45 pm

26 On July 18th, 2009, Dolly said:

I work with kindergarteners at a camp this summer, and I’ve had two of the kids ask me if I have a “baby in my belly.” I felt so stupid each time, because I couldn’t think of any response other than, “Nope, I’m not having a baby” (and then feeling really crummy later). If it were my own kid, I’d have no problem sitting down and saying, “Sweetheart, Mommy has a round tummy because that is how her body is shaped; all people come in different shapes and sizes, etc” but when I’m working with other people’s children it is more challenging.

posted on July 18th, 2009 at 6:26 pm