The camera: Love it or hate it?

10th July 2009

The camera: Love it or hate it?

posted in Body Image, Personal |

Wednesday was probably one of the worst days ever to be talking to 40 high school students about careers (or lack thereof) in journalism (I survived the layoffs, but many other talented professionals did not). The timing was ironic, but entirely coincidental — the kids are in a summer program aimed at potential first-generation college students from low-income families and my visit had been arranged a few weeks before the layoffs were even announced. I tried not to scare them too much, but I did mention that it might be better if they majored instead in underwater basket-weaving.

The instructor had originally requested two people from our newsroom to come talk to the kids, but as it turned out, I was the only sucker volunteer. I didn’t mind; I don’t want children of my own, but I don’t hate them, either. I’ve learned from experience that if you come bearing candy, kids will automatically worship you, and nothing boosts the self-esteem of a 30-year-old like that of a teenager telling you how “cool” you are. Actually, in my line of work, there are many times when I’d rather talk to kids than adults. I’m both reporter and photographer on the stories I cover and I find kids to be much more willing and enthusiastic subjects than adults. When you ask a kid if you can take a picture of them for the newspaper, their eyes widen and light up and they become total putty in your hands, mugging for the camera and contorting into whatever pose you ask of them. Adults, especially women, are a different story. I write human interest kinds of stories, which means that unlike breaking news reporters who often shadow the aftermath of scandal or tragedy, people usually want to talk to me because I give them good press and publicity. Yet I would estimate that about 40 percent of my adult subjects are reluctant to have a picture taken of them even if the photo would better promote them or their business. “Do you have to?” comes the first plaintive plea, trailed by excuses like, “Oh, I don’t look my best today” to “Ugh, I feel so fat today” to “I’d scare off the customers.” We like to run photos with stories because they add visual interest, so I try to coax reluctants with reassurances like, “Don’t worry, I was a graphic designer before I turned reporter and can make anyone look fabulous.”* Most usually concede to striking some kind of pose, but I have had a handful of women flat-out refuse to be photographed.

I never pressure anyone to be photographed for the simple fact that I understand their reluctance. I have a long love-hate relationship with the camera. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photojournalist (or an FBI agent), not a reporter. I got into photography in my teens, freelanced for a while at a small newspaper after graduation and won some awards for my work in college. I love photography for the sheer power of images and the stories they tell, but photography also held another appeal for me in that for much of my life, I’d rather be behind the camera than in front of it. My dad was an avid family photographer and chronicled the early lives of me and my brother in an endless number of sepia-toned snapshots tucked behind plastic sheaths. It’s hard to tell while browsing through the family photo albums just when that tow-headed girl with the wide gap-toothed smile began to hate herself so much, but I know it started sometime in middle school. There are lots of photos of me as a child, but few as a teen and even fewer as a young adult. I’d look at a photo of myself and see only fat, rolls and rolls of fat, but it wasn’t just the fat — even after I lost 60 percent of my body weight from anorexia and bulimia, I hated to be photographed. In fact, I know of only one photograph of myself in existence from that brief period in which I was thin (and very sick).

After I met Brandon, I felt this urge to create a photographic journal of our new life together and began allowing myself to be photographed again. Even then it was a slow crawl. I almost put off our wedding for fear I’d look hideous in our wedding photos (they turned out great!). I still tend to look at photos of myself with a critical eye and I still prefer shots from the waist up, but I’ve come a Grand Canyon’s leap in battling self-negativity. It’s important to note that while this kind of body insecurity often plagues women, men don’t escape unscathed. My older brother, who has lost and regained the same 70-80 pounds several times in his lifetime, recently joined Facebook. I tagged him last week in a photo of my mom and siblings, which meant that the photo also appeared on his profile. He deleted it and sent me a note asking me not to post any of his “fat pictures.”

How about you? Do you have a love or hate relationship with the camera? Post links to photos of you in the comments below. I’ll start with a photo of myself taken late last summer on Kelley’s Island — and yes, I AM TOTALLY SUCKING IT IN.

* I should note that I while I adjust for things like lighting and tones, I would never doctor a photo in a way that would alter its integrity. As Toledo Blade photographer Allan Detrich can tell you, digitally altering a photo is a no-no in journalism.

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This entry was posted on Friday, July 10th, 2009 at 1:11 pm and is filed under Body Image, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On July 10th, 2009, Rachel2 said:

I don’t know when it was that I fell out of love with the camera. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be in pictures, and it didn’t really matter how I looked. I’m not sure when that sense of innocence and pride in myself and my appearance escaped me, but it did. And I still struggle with it. I gained some weight in high school, and I think that that’s really when the camera shyness escalated. I wasn’t really paying attention, and then BOOM! I was a li’l bigger than I probably needed to be, and then off-camera it was.

When I got to college, I lost a little of that weight, and did so by moderately unhealthy measures (kinda-sorta self-starvation-ish measures… I remember not eating ANYTHING for over a 24 hour period except a popsicle. I was a little surprised that nothing came out when I went to the bathroom…) I was happy to be losing weight, but I knew that that wasn’t the way to do it. So I cut the ED-related behaviors out and tried to go upon my merry way. My problem is that I don’t moderate myself very well, and I operate in extremes. So I operated in extreme all the way up to 200 lbs a couple of years later, and when I stepped on the scale (that my future mother-in-law *so THOUGHTFULLY* gave my future husband for Christmas ::headdesk::), I was shocked, and my self-esteem plummeted through the floor. I think that I’ve got two pictures from that entire period. One, I’m hiding behind the cat, and the other was not a willing picture andIlookhideousinit.

So, I worked on myself, and I worked on myself slowly. I slowly lost 40 pounds and did so by moderately healthy means. I’ve fluctuated a little bit back and forth due to hormonal reasons as of late, but overall, I’m slowly learning to accept myself and my body. I would still prefer to be a little firmer and a little less jiggly, but right now I’m just trying to figure other, more important things out in life. Often, these obsessive-compulsive and obsessive eating-disordered tendencies are there to mask deeper issues. I’m confronting those issues now in my life, and it’s getting easier to love and accept my own body for what it is.

Am I still camera shy? Yes. Extremely. But I allow an occasional photo, IF I’ve fluffed my hair and I can smile in a way that does not accentuate my double-chin. I don’t like candid photos because of the chin thing, and a lot of times they’re hideous. So, I pose for my photos, and I pose very specifically so that the least amount of damage is done to my self-esteem.

And YOU, Rachel, look AWESOME in your photo!!!!!!!!!! I only hope that I can look so awesome in a similar photo!

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 1:31 pm

2 On July 10th, 2009, Charlotte said:

I have a love/hate relationship with the camera. When a good picture of me is taken, I love it! But when I think a picture of me looks bad, I totally hate the camera. I always get a little paranoid when pictures are taken of me because I’m afraid of how they’ll look. I only want pictures of me from a certain angle, and I’m always afraid I’m smiling too much. And if I’m not wearing makeup, I refuse to get my picture taken. Photography always makes me extremely sensitive about my appearance.

That being said, here are some pictures of myself that I do like, and I like to look at whenever I’m feeling bad about my appearance.
http://called527.wordpress.com/my-life-in-pictures/

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 2:11 pm

3 On July 10th, 2009, Megan said:

Photos seem to be like birthdays; the older you get, the less excited you are to have them. I think both are a shame. I love pictures and my boyfriend doesn’t like them; it kills me that I can’t capture some of his beauty for myself for later. It feels selfish of him, ha ha. He doesn’t mind pictures of us together though.

When I think of pictures, I think of the lyrics from Evolve by Ani Difranco:
“It took me too long to realize that I don’t take good pictures, ‘Cause I have the kind of beauty that moves”
and I remind myself – and others – that cameras are at time feeble things. Sometimes your beauty is too fast for it.
I’ve got the kind of beauty that moves.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 2:13 pm

4 On July 10th, 2009, Tiptoe said:

I definitely have a love/ate relationship with the camera. I enjoy being behind the camera, especially when it is of my pooches or pretty landscapes or capturing candid moments of people. However, when it comes to me having my picture taken, I’d much rather not.

I have endless photos of me when I was younger. Then, I was strikingly photogenic. I always say it was due to being less self-conscious. As I grew older and more self conscious, the photos became less. I can’t remember that many in my twenties at all which drive my parents batty as they want a recent, pretty picture of me. Others still say I am very photogenic, but I just don’t see that.

Lately, I’ve been thinking how I really should allow myself to be in more photos. As much as I want to capture a “moment,” others want the same with me. I may not particularly enjoy the photos, but it does mean something to them.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm

5 On July 10th, 2009, Ellen Brand said:

My body never really bothers me in photos… Yes, I’m chunky, but my preferred clothes always hide it, and I look reasonably good. My problem is that my face is so incredibly round, I always think I look like a puffer fish. This does not prevent me from mugging for the camera… apparently I like attention more than I hate my appearance.

And you look lovely in that picture. Your smile is wide enough to make it obvious you’re having a good time, I like that t-shirt (gorgeous color) and the posing and background just looks exhilarating!

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:06 pm

6 On July 10th, 2009, Emerald said:

Rachel, you look fabulous in that photo! (Plus, where is Kelley’s Island?)

I have a habit of making weird expressions at cameras. I sometimes wonder if it’s an Asperger thing, because when I saw myself in my wedding video, the faces I was making at people during conversation looked pretty odd as well. That wedding was a case in point: the photographer, my husband’s City & Guilds tutor, took a bunch of ‘romantic’ shots of the two of us round an 18th century hotel and grounds, but in a lot of them my face isn’t actually showing. He said it was because I ‘smile too broadly’. My husband just about restrained me from killing the guy. In all the formal shots, I was of course pulling a weird face. The only photo I liked was one snapped by a guest, hubby’s fellow photo student, where we’re laughingly toasting each other with pints of Guinness (we honeymooned in Ireland).

You’ll have noted from the above that my husband is actually a photographer, which is a tricky thing because he feels awkward abut taking photos of me. Informal shots, no problem; and one of the best shots of me I have is one taken impromptu, in a street in Cambridge, just as I turned my head towards him. It’s blurry, but I’m smiling properly and it’s more ‘me’ than most of the photos I have. I’ve been asking him for some time to take me into the studio to do some set-up, punky sort of portrait shots of me, but he worries about whether or not he can get the kind of effect I’m looking for. That, I think, isn’t just about me; he generally has a crisis of confidence about whether his photos are any good.

I think part of my issue is being fat and having a double chin, but part of it also goes back to when my adult teeth came through. They’re a bit crowded, and the canines stick out a teeny tiny bit, and my mother, for years, treated this as a Huge Problem. Hence, I developed the habit of smiling with my mouth closed, and I tend to suck in my lip, and it does look odd. And sometimes I overcompensate by deliberately sort of half-laughing just as the shutter clicks and hoping it’ll look like a natural smile.

Plus, in my ,the general non-stop criticism I got at home about every aspect of my looks tended to make me believe nobody would seriously want to photograph me. After my mother’s death earlier this year, I was helping my brother sort through a big pile of old family photos, and I was kind of sad when I saw those teen shots. In spite of the rather dorky, middle-aged selection of clothes I wore back then, I really wasn’t the loathsome, unattractive thing I thought I was. I was curvy, had beautiful dark hair, and actually wasn’t bad looking at all; I just couldn’t see it, because I’d had so many negative messages.

Which brings another photographic memory to mind: one time, I remember asking for the family to club together and buy me one of those ‘model’ makeover-and-photo sessions for Christmas. These days I think they’re a rip-off, and I don’t really like that style of photography, but back then I had a vague inkling that it might make me feel better about my looks. Most of the family thought it was a waste of money, but my mother’s prize comment was: ‘That only makes you look nice for a few hours. You should be making the effort to look that good all the time.’

I’m sorry…I didn’t intend this to turn all depressing. There are still strong feelings round it for me, is all.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:28 pm

7 On July 10th, 2009, Lynn (The Actors Diet) said:

My job is to be in front of the camera, and I love my job. That said, looking at myself is very very difficult.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:37 pm

8 On July 10th, 2009, Heidi said:

I hate photographs of myself.

One of the things I regret most in my parenting journey is that I have *so* few photos of myself with my son. Part of this is because I tend to be the one behind the camera because my husband forgets his. Part of it is because I look at photos of myself and see a disgusting whale (something I no longer see when I just look at myself in the mirror). I’m not sure why that is. At least some of it is because of my thin hair – whether it’s because of PCOS, hypothyroidism, or something else altogether, my hair has gotten very thin in front.

Me with my newborn son

The kind of photo that I typically seem to have with my son

The kind of photo that makes me look like a whale

My wedding photos were, probably, the best photos of myself I’ve ever had. I wish I could duplicate that experience (without the puffy dress and the stress).

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:40 pm

9 On July 10th, 2009, jessa said:

For a long time, even after my eating disorder started, I never thought about my camera-shy-ness in terms of body image, but in terms of regular shyness. Now I can see how both play a role, even though I’m no longer eating disordered and even though I’m not nearly as shy anymore. I don’t think I ever liked having my picture taken. The rest of my family hides from cameras too, but I don’t know what the reasons are for them. I do occasionally like seeing pictures of myself that were taken surreptitiously, but that doesn’t help my camera-fear reaction. In pictures with my friends, I usually end up being held down by them or something.

A good friend of mine is getting married in October. I’m not a bridesmaid because we both know that all the picture-taking would be really stressful for me and really frustrating for her. But I’m not upset about it, like I’m missing out on something because of this; rather, I think of myself as an undercover bridesmaid.

When I was in treatment for my eating disorder and social anxiety, there was a sense that I had to get rid of all my fears and disordered behaviors like this in order to consider myself well. I fought that sense at the time because I didn’t want to do the work of facing my fears and eating. Now, I still fight that sense because there are things that professionals would call “disordered” that I think of as bad habits because they are things that I am willing to live with. Some of my fears would take a lot to get over, but it wouldn’t be worth it to me. Among other things, I still fear skydiving, but there is no utility, for me, in getting over that fear, while there is a lot of work. For things that I fear but which actually do get in the way of my living the life I want to live, I have faced them–public speaking is one example.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:52 pm

10 On July 10th, 2009, Shinobu said:

I don’t like having my picture taken but I won’t avoid it. I used to run away from cameras and even avoided having my picture taken for school year books starting in 8th grade. My mom hated having her picture taken, so I don’t have any of her and it made me realize how important they can be.

11 On July 10th, 2009, Minnies said:

I *love* that photo of you. You look so happy and so beautiful.

I hate the camera. I’ve been known to literally run out of the room if someone (like my sister-in-law) starts clicking away. I look terrible in photographs and absolutely hate the sight of myself in them. I think there have been about three good photos of me ever taken. I have the unfortunate problem of gaining weight in my face first… if you saw a photo of just my face, you’d probably guess I weigh a hundred pounds more than I do. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me because it’s okay to be fat but still. I detest looking at my photographs.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:57 pm

12 On July 10th, 2009, Crimson Wife said:

The picture that was really difficult for me to take was the one my mother-in-law wanted of me at 9 mos pregnant with #3. I kept putting it off because I felt like a whale but she hounded me until I gave in.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 3:59 pm

13 On July 10th, 2009, Papu Morgado said:

Two weeks ago we celebrated my mother’s 70th birthday. Obviously a lot of pictures were taken. During the event I took a look at the pictures I was shooting with my camera and the self disgust had begun” “I’m sooo fat, I shoud have worn a black dress instead of this animal print dress, my face is huge, I’m so ugly, what a shame, bla, bla, bla”. I was getting really upset, but on that moment I’ve decided not to worry about that, because I made a concious decision to not let this ruin my party. There was also a photographer taking like a million pictures that I’ve haven’t seen yet, so, I´m preparing myself for a new round of self critcism. The days that followed tha party I felt really down, and depressed about my looks and even more sad because I felt ashamed of who I am. Then, I remenbered that it has been like that for a long time: I’ve never been a fat girl when I was a child or a teenager, being overweight started happening in my early adult years and has been like that since. But I felt ashamed of my looks since I can’t even remember: it wasn’t because I was fat: it was my curly hair, my ears, my hands (too masculine for my taste), my tighs (to big), my nose (like a pig), my excessive body hair in my legs, arms , face; the dark circles around my eyes, and a lot of other “blemishes” all around me. So I realized that it wasn’t the fact of being fat itself, but the shame of who I am, in the outside and in the inside. Shame that I now undestand better, after years of theraphy, but that still affects me, but not in the way it used to be.
So pictures are a mirror to everything we consider shameful in ourselves, even if it’s only in our heads. Doesn’t help in anyway to be exposed everday to pictures of thin, photoshoped, “flawless” women, that are everywhere.
So I told my therapist that I have a kind of “photophobia”, regarding my own photographs. It’s weird, because I love taking pictures of people, places, unusual angles, I travel a lot and one of my hobbies is scrapbooking.I even consider myself very beautiful sometimes in my pictures, but usually they are self portraits. I’m the best photographer of myself. I know the right angles, always from the waist up, usually only my face, no flash, etc… But is torture when I see myself in unexpected pictures or pics that are taken by other people. So it was great to read your post, because I’ve been dealing with photo issues all my life. Thanks! Love your blog!
Pictures of the event I’ve mentioned http://picasaweb.google.com/MPLpatricia/MyPicsOnMyMomSBday#

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 4:03 pm

14 On July 10th, 2009, Rachel said:

@Emerald: Kelley’s Island is north of Sandusky, Ohio in Lake Erie. Have you ever heard of the amusement park Cedar Point? You can see it from the Island’s east shore. The island is about 4-square-miles and is great for biking, hiking or just relaxing. It attracts a fair amount of tourists, but most out-of-towners gravitate more towards Cedar Point or the nearby island Put-in-Bay, which Brandon describes as “Disneyland for drunk people” (I’ve never been there myself). We went in September after the start of school, so there were hardly any tourists during our stay. You can see photos from our weekend trip to Kelley’s Island here.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 4:09 pm

15 On July 10th, 2009, Rachel said:

Oh, yes… Here are some tips for the body-conscious and camera-shy on how to capture your best shots:

- When I shoot photos for stories, I always try to shoot from above the subjects, never below. It eliminates any double chins and hides rolls better than if you shoot from eye level. You can also position yourself with one shoulder away from the camera while turning the head to the camera to reduce the appearance of double chins.

- Stand up straight and pull your shoulders gently down and back, but not in a position where it looks unnatural or feels uncomfortable

- Know your angles. Practice looking in a mirror to find which angle from which you photograph best. I like to stand kind of sideways with one foot back and one hip out, much like how I’m standing in the photo above.

- To reduce the look of flabby arms, hold your arms out from your body.

I want to stress that looking thinner isn’t the goal here; it’s about maximizing those assets you feel comfortable with while reducing the look of assets you aren’t so comfortable with.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 4:25 pm

16 On July 10th, 2009, Sandy said:

I can honestly say there are few photos of me. I am usually the one taking the pictures and the few that are of me, I look terrible. The people that take the pictures always take it at a weird angle or whatever (no one in in DH’s family knows how to take any kind of picture! lOL They just point, click and hope it turns out) so I always look like I weigh twice what I actually do and end up looking like the Michelin Man. LOL

Though, I would rather bad photos of me (especially if they are with my kids) than no photos. I complain to DH all the time that no one takes photos of me or of me with the kids.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm

17 On July 10th, 2009, Lexie Di said:

I used to hate having pictures taken of me… but the more practice I have loving myself, the more ok I am with the camera. I still like to take pictures of myself instead of having them taken. When I take them of myself, I usually tilt the camera upward so that it hides my double-chin… the pictures come out good, but I feel like it’s bordering on a lie.. so I’m slowly weaning myself off of doing that. I wish I could be like my best friend, Nana. She’s a big girl but she’s got insane amounts of self-esteem and hops in front of a camera whenever she sees one. I love being around her because her self-esteem rubs off on me. Haha!

Anyway, my aunt was recently over for my brother’s birthday/graduation and she took a picture of me that I happen to really like… too bad she hasn’t sent it to me yet, I’d post it.

Other than that, here I am!

http://s301.photobucket.com/albums/nn51/hihicutiepie/?action=view&current=AnimeExpoJuly2009024.jpg

I was goofing off in the hotel room during Anime Expo.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 7:01 pm

18 On July 10th, 2009, AnotherKate said:

Ooh, good question!

I HATE HATE HATE it. There are almost no pictures of me since age 11 or so (I’m 35 now) that were not for school, work, or because I was in a wedding. I’m not fat, but I’m also not pretty or or photogenic. Plus, I went from being an adorable little girl – I was even in a commercial! – into an awkward stage now at 24 years and counting!

The upside is that I’ve become an excellent photographer after 24 years of volunteering to take the picture so everyone (else) can get in it!

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 7:19 pm

19 On July 10th, 2009, Des said:

The story about your brother and the facebook picture totally reminded me of something that happened with my sister on myspace last year. She tagged me in a pic on her profile and I almost lost my mind! I’m really particular about what kinds of pictures of myself I will post online and I generally don’t like to be photographed anymore. There aren’t many pictures from my childhood either, since my mother would use them as “evidence” that I needed to go on a diet.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 7:20 pm

20 On July 10th, 2009, Sweetz said:

I went to a wedding last weekend and an acquaintance of mine took a picture of me bringing a forkful of cake to my mouth. Monday morning I logged onto Facebook and, sure ‘nough, she had uploaded the photo and tagged me, so there I was, digitally displayed for all to admire and/or ridicule. At first I was ashamed and wanted to post a comment that reflected my shame–something like, “This picture sure is unflattering,” or, “Imagine that–fat girl eating cake!” But instead I thought, “I’m going to own this. I’m allowed to eat cake.” So instead I posted the comment, “That cake was so effing good.” I instantly felt better about the photo. In fact, the more I look at it, the more I like it.

The thing is, I don’t know this person well enough to know for sure that she wasn’t posting the picture with the intention of having people laugh at it–we’re recent acquaintances and she could very well have intended to humiliate me. I know there are people who do that, and I don’t know her well enough to know that she isn’t one of those people But asking her to delete the photo, or removing the tag myself, is ridiculous. If she intended to humiliate me, removing the tag or asking that she delete the photo would have done nothing more than reveal that I was ashamed to be a fat girl who enjoys cake, and I’m not.

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 7:57 pm

21 On July 10th, 2009, Alyssa (The 39 year-old) said:

First of all, Rachel, can I just say how BEAUTIFUL you are? ‘Cause ya are!!!!!

I HATE that we learn to despise the camera! The whole “camera adds ten pounds” stuff sucks! There have been times when Hubby wanted to take a picture of me with the kids when my first thought was “Oh no, just the kids, not me.” Then I thought, “WTF??!?! Do I REALLY want my kids going through these pictures in 20 years and wondering where the hell Mom is? Do I want NO pictures of myself with my own children?
So now I suck it up (literally AND figuratively) and just let him take the picture.

BTW, I think the camera-adding-ten-pounds is a conspiracy by Hollywood to keep women obsessed about their bodies. After all, if we can create entire worlds with CGI, surely we can create a camera that DOESN’T add ten pounds!!!!
(Have you ever seen a model or celebrity in person? Most of them are SCARY skinny!)

posted on July 10th, 2009 at 8:17 pm

22 On July 11th, 2009, Megan said:

Hearing other people mention that they don’t want to be in photos so badly that there are entire years or decades of their lives without record makes me so sad. I love seeing pictures of my parents, especially with me. It’s so rare to get a picture of my mom and me; each one feels special. It’s painful, but remember that your kids are going to need these pictures someday.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 12:02 am

23 On July 11th, 2009, Monica said:

Since I got fat, I’ve avoided pictures as much as possible, but recently I was on a camping trip and one of my nephews took a picture of me laughing with my niece. I was wearing an orange sleeveless top, and I swear, I look like the Great Pumpkin. But I’m obviously having a wonderful time, and they know what I look like and still love me, so it really doesn’t matter.

I think we have trouble with pictures because we carry an idealized image of ourselves in our minds, and a photograph is a harsh break from that vision. I wanted to say to Heidi that you look lovely, and like a good person. That’s what I respond to in pictures now, not some media-fed concept of what everyone is supposed to look like. The more I’ve gotten into FA, the nicer fat people look to me, including myself.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 3:23 am

24 On July 11th, 2009, Godless Heathen said:

There’s a reason other than self-image that women might refuse to be photographed as well. Think of how many truly hostile whack jobs are out there, for a lot of women it’s a knee-jerk defense mechanism. If we’re not public about ourselves, we feel safer. Yes, we’ve learned the lesson that the patriarchy beat into us, we don’t have a right to an un-harassed public persona.

I don’t mind the camera as much for solo shots, so long as I get to do a tiny bit of retouching before people see them. I refuse to do group shots because I’m always the fattest, butchest, least well dressed person in the room. I don’t want that to be part of people’s memorabilia*. Sadly, this does rule out having my picture taken with authors I like.

*In fact, find people taking pictures of me for their own memorabilia to be highly intrusive. I know few people well enough that I want them to remember me, and very few people well enough that I want them to capture a piece of my life on film.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 8:42 am

25 On July 11th, 2009, Rachel said:

One the reasons I wanted to be photographed again after meeting Brandon is precisely because my dad, being the family photographer, is in very few of our childhood photos. He’s always been very self-conscious and hated when I would take pictures of him. He’d then examine the pictures I did take to see if they were “okay” or not. My dad is very fat, like super-obese fat, and has struggled with his weight since childhood. It makes me kind of sad that I will have very few photos of him to remember him by when he dies.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 10:03 am

26 On July 11th, 2009, AnotherKate said:

@Megan, I agree and wish I could make myself be in pictures, at least for the family. Though I don’t have children, I have nephews and young cousins. But every time someone brings out a camera, I feel physically sick and my heart races and I find myself making excuses to leave the room or volunteering to take the picture…again!

I speak only for myself here, but I can promise that I’m not refusing to be in photos to be difficult or because I want to deny my family a record of my existence. I would be thrilled if I could make myself stop having this visceral reaction!

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am

27 On July 11th, 2009, Amie said:

I love to be in pictures! That said, I hate it when people take pictures of me. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone beautiful. When I think about myself, I think I’m beautiful. When I see a picture of myself I think who’s that fat girl with weird hair and bad posture? Not every picture, but it’s always disheartening for me to look at pictures that I haven’t carefully posed for.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 12:24 pm

28 On July 11th, 2009, Alyssa (The 39 year-old) said:

Lynn, I hear ya! That’s why, when I was an actress, I stayed mainly on stage, lol!

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 1:45 pm

29 On July 11th, 2009, Bountiful Luv Muffin said:

I hate taking pictures. Inside my head, I am not as large as I actually am. However, this past year I went on a sabbatical to go to grad school. I wound up working with a group of wonderful people. (However I heard “You’re my mom’s age!” a lot the first month…)
Anyway, my friends are not only addicted to photography, but they post them on Facebook! In the photos, I have come to see myself as those who love me see me. Large, yes. But also worthy of friendship and affection.

BTW, a friend of mine gave me my handle.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 2:10 pm

30 On July 11th, 2009, Megan said:

@ AnotherKate, just an aside, I assumed that this was the case. Parents know this; I was just reinforcing the importance from a kid’s point of view. Basically, it’s worth continuing to make an effort.

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm

31 On July 11th, 2009, TDM said:

Rachel,

I’ve never left a comment before, but I have to tell you- you are seriously my hero.

I too, love to write, and am interested in all things food, fat, and feminism. I am also 17 years old.

I flirted with (ok, had) an ED for a little less than a year, where I saw my healthy 145/150 pound body (I’m 5’5) fall to about 110. I was dangerously unwell- no period, hair falling out, the works.

Through websites like yours, I’ve come to embrace that my body’s natural setpoint may just be higher than many. And that’s what’s right for me. I’m happy to say that I’m back up to MY healthy weight. The amount of compliments I was getting while I was my most ill taught me so much about the systemic problems of fat-hatred that exist in our society.

Oh man, this was so unrelated to your post! I promise all subsequent comments will be much less random

posted on July 11th, 2009 at 9:39 pm

32 On July 12th, 2009, Lori said:

My hubby looked over my shoulder as I was reading the post and said, “Wow, she’s hot!”
Not that that is the most important thing, but hey: it’s fun to be hot, sometimes.
I actually like to have my picture taken but I hate to admit it, because in my family, if you enjoyed a thing like that, you’d earn my mother’s worst barb: “So impressed with herself!”

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 9:47 am

33 On July 12th, 2009, Bree said:

I really don’t hate the camera. I’ve been visibilly fat for many years, pictures really aren’t going to change that. And since there are pictures of me in all my fat glory I’ve posted to Facebook (but my page is limited to friends only), it’s not my problem if people don’t want to look at a for the most part, a self-confident deathfat 33 year-old.

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 12:06 pm

34 On July 12th, 2009, rachel with a little r said:

What a lovely picture! I have the same policy about editing photos.

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 12:22 pm

35 On July 12th, 2009, SteveD said:

Well I hate being Photographed, but have learned to not care anymore. I have been Photographer since High School. Did about 20 years of TV Work (USAF and ABC worked with Robins Robins early in her career). So I have some photo background (used to teach it even).

Since being retired (since July 2000 at 42) I still keep my hand in photography (still only). An occasional Wedding and Volunteer Photography. I get a magazine or two a year and such. Next week National Wheelchair games for VA here in town. I am one of the Photographers for it.

Photography for me is about capturing the action in the Photograph.

http://nikonphoto.home.comcast.net/~nikonphoto/Sell/DSCN9904.jpg

It’s a way to keep busy and enjoy life also. Just go back from 15 days traveling (Fly and Rent Car). Phili Pa, Reading Pa, Scranton, Steam town, Atlantic City, New York City and Gettysburg. (Can U say Ride the Steam Trains)

(will update web site soon)

My Pic from few years ago is here. Visit to Canada and West Side of State

http://home.comcast.net/~starlightmoon/

SteveD

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 12:58 pm

36 On July 12th, 2009, SteveD said:

On Doctoring a Photo. My major problem with the Local Camera Club. We have month shows and judging (Sep-Apr) and too many cross the line!

SFD

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 1:12 pm

37 On July 12th, 2009, JoLaine said:

My husband constantly has a camera in hand and is constantly snapping pictures. If I ever bend over to look at a flower or a seashell, etc., I know the camera is going to record my backside. He is not being mean, he takes a picture of EVERYTHING! In fact, he used to ask if I wanted him to delete anything before he posts to the web. I would take a deep breath and said, “post it.” That is the way I looked at that moment and I refuse to be ashamed.
In the Intuitive Eating workshop I teach, one of the activities is to pass around Leonard Nimoy’s book of photos – “The Full-Body Project.” Then I invite the participants to collaborate with someone they love and trust to have a nude photoshoot of themselves. Of the ones courageous enough to do it, they report an incredibly empowering experience and really start to question what we’ve been told is beautiful. Talk to those photos. Tell them how much you appreciate your body.

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

38 On July 12th, 2009, Rosalie said:

I don’t think I have a good gauge of what I look like/what my size is but I think I get a better idea of my body from a camera, almost as if I’m a third party viewing myself. It’s especially interesting looking at videos! I can look completely different in two different shots depending on how I’m standing/sitting!

In general, I like looking at photos of myself in a “oooh that’s me” kind of way. Is this detachment from my body? Maybe.

I’m also known for untagging unflattering photos on facebook (which is like, 90% of them). I’m convinced that I either look terrible or awesome in photos. Heh.

posted on July 12th, 2009 at 4:59 pm

39 On July 13th, 2009, Flower Power said:

Because of weight/acne/hair/problems with finding flattering clothing issues, I’ve been studiously avoiding cameras for decades. I’ve even destroyed pictures of myself because I hate how I look. I once threw an envelope of high school pictures into a fire because my acne looked so horrible and I couldn’t stand to have the pictures around. Yes, it’s that bad.

posted on July 13th, 2009 at 5:40 pm

40 On July 13th, 2009, Lampdevil said:

I’m with JoLaine — I believe that any given picture of me is how I looked like during that fleeting little moment in time. That’s valuable. That’s important. And that’s also okay. So what if I don’t like 100% fantastic all the time? None of my friends do, either. None of my casual aquaintances do. Heck, everyone on this planet spends a good portion of their life looking goofy and awkward. I am no more or less special than anyone else, so bring on the photography!

…this is a conclusion I have come to after a good half decade of… well, not AVOIDING having my picture taken, per se, but not seeking it out or insisting upon it. There’s very little evidence of my 16 to 24ish year old self out there. Then Facebook came along, and I had to hurry up and get with the program. I attend a lot of local geeky events, and tons and tons of snaps have found their way onto Facebook… so there are lots of pictures of me dressed kinda funny, from unflattering angles, making RAAAAR faces into a microphone while playing Rock Band. And the hung over ones. And the exhausted ones. And the dehydrated ones. And so on and so on. I could get upset… but frankly, each picture brings back memories. And right now, I’m laughing my butt off at just how completely zonked just about EVERYONE looks by the time Sunday’s pictures roll around. If the camera adds 10 pounds, does a game con add another 10?

It does turn out I can take a nice picture, though. I came back from vacation with all the pictures my very phtographically blessed friend took, and <a href=”“>I look really good in them. Really ME. It’s encouraging, I look at myself and I think “daaaaamn, I look great.”

I am also getting better at the old photograph yerself in the mirror trick.

posted on July 13th, 2009 at 7:22 pm

41 On July 14th, 2009, Pen said:

I’m a photographer and I hate to be in front of the camera. After capturing so many horrible photos of people (I do a lot of action and event photos), I know the ratio of good photos to bad photos is rather low. I’d just rather not chance those horrible photos or have said horrible photos end up on Facebook.

As far as retouching goes, I do a lot of photos for commercial publications and I retouch small things — removing spots on pavement, covering up construction equipment next to historic homes, extending photos to fit proportionally, erasing the words ‘f**k it’ on a t-shirt. Basically, just tidying things up a bit. When it comes to portraits, the most I usually do is evening out the skin tone of the face and removing any noticeable blemishes.

It is far easier to properly light and configure a person to look good in the original photo than it is to retouch the photo later. To your list of suggestions, I’ll add:

- A single source of light from a 3/4 angle or any sort of natural lighting is better than a straight on flash. Unless you have a good diffuser or are bouncing the flash, avoid it.

- Put yourself at a 3/4 angle to the camera. Fat or thin, it just looks better.

- For headshots, push your chin forward a bit and lower it a tad. Too many people think that raising their chin alleviates double chin but it just allows light on the neck and you lose the contrast between the chin and neck. Pushing your chin forward gives more definition. The slight move forward is forgiven by the flattening effects of photos. (Really, try this in a mirror. It’s awesome.)

- Find your signature pose. Lots of people who wear costumes at cons do this. Point a camera at them and they immediately strike “the pose”. My signature pose involves flipping a bird and smirking.

- Never let people take your photo while you are eating. I refuse to photograph luncheons while people are eating. Even if the person you are focused on isn’t eating, someone in the background probably has their mouth open. It’s safer to photograph before or after the food… unless it’s a toddler’s birthday party.

posted on July 14th, 2009 at 4:18 pm

42 On July 16th, 2009, bri said:

Generally I much prefer to be behind the camera than in front of it. Perhaps that is why I developed my interest in photography? (So I am the one in charge of the camera!). I have few photos of myself that I genuinely like. I adore our wedding/handfasting photos and I had some glamour shots done back in 2003 and some professional shots done with my son in 1998 that I really like as well. Other than that, pictures of myself that I see as passable are few and far between.

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 6:06 am

43 On July 16th, 2009, Katharine said:

I seriously don’t think cameras capture what I actually look like – and in fact people have said the same thing. In candid pictures, I’m always making some weird face and my eyelids are puffy and I have six chins. In any photo, I look massive – I’ve got broad shoulders and am short, and in pictures, that seems to translate to “squat wall twice the width of any other girl in the shot”. (Then people tell me I look “tiny” in person. Which I don’t, not really, but I’m certainly not as huge as I am in photos.)

I started hating photos of myself in Grade 2, which is coincidentally when I got thick, ugly glasses, grew crooked adult teeth, and started gaining weight. The only pictures of myself I’ve ever liked were when I was thirty pounds underweight and nearly dying; I was unhappy, certainly, but for once in my life photos showed my face without the extra blobs of flesh, and my body looked a normal size.

The funny thing is, my sister has features the same shape as mine, but in person they’re larger and bolder and she can look a bit masculine. I don’t think, though, that anyone has ever managed to take an unattractive picture of her. Her long pointy nose and strong chin and heavy brows are MADE for cameras, apparently. (I noticed this difference pretty early on too, and it didn’t help. I always thought people were comparing us, and making pitying comments about me being the unfortunate ugly sister.)

posted on July 16th, 2009 at 9:49 am

44 On July 17th, 2009, merri said:

When my cousin was really little, she had to be in EVERY photo. She even made her way onto the front page of the newspaper for my brother’s graduation, in a bigger page than the actual graduates. It was kind of annoying that she jumped into every single photo at any event. As she got older though, tweens and then especially teens (shes now 17), it got harder and harder to take her photo. January my sister got married and my cousin was refusing to be in any wedding photos till I told her she was being really mean and rude to my sister on her day. My cousin is pretty and skinny and popular, so I don’t know where such insecurity comes from but she really hates photos and is usually frowning when anyone gets one of her. So there’s an example of your point.
I like photos of me. I feel like I look better in real life than photos, but I think that may just be my internal picture of who I am jarring with the actual picture I see from the camera. I still would much rather TAKE photos than POSE for photos. And since I’m usually the photographer for any group event with friends or families, most don’t have me in them. Looking at photos makes me think of things I don’t like about myself and why am I making that face or smiling that way? But if I don’t get in photos for such and such an event or time, I do regret it later. Like maybe I wasn’t there because it wasn’t documented. So I started doing ameteur modeling for fun and it helped.

posted on July 17th, 2009 at 8:12 pm

45 On July 18th, 2009, keshmeshi said:

I’ve been scanning old photos to make digital copies, and it pains me to see how natural I was in front of the camera as a kid. I was practically hamming it up.

My issues with being photographed have never been related to weight. Instead I focus on every flaw in my face. I’ve been trying to give myself the same benefit of the doubt I give others when I look at their photos. For some reason I can pass over flaws in others and focus on their best attributes, but I’m unable to do that for myself.

I went through a painfully awkward, ugly, and insecure adolescence. And make no mistake that I was an ugly kid, with unfortunate tics that just makes it that much more painful to see photos and videos of myself at that age.

As an adult, I’ve found myself feeling very protective of kids who remind me of myself at their age. If I could take them all under my wing, I would.

Strangely, I have very little patience with adults who remind me of how I was way back when. I guess I see what I hated in myself in them, but I don’t extend any protectiveness to them.

posted on July 18th, 2009 at 2:50 am