The-F-Word.org

There are currently 51 responses to “Always a fat girlfriend, never a fat bride”

Join the conversation! Post your comment below.

1. 1 On March 30th, 2009, sandra_nz said:

   Here’s my response:

   Just Fluffy, your boyfriend is a jerk. Be glad that you’ve worked this out before you walked up that aisle and committed to spending the rest of your life with him. He clearly doesn’t love you unconditionally (today it’s the weight, if you lose the weight, it’ll be something else tomorrow), and you deserve a man that will. You are just fine, just the way you are. Find yourself someone that loves you for who you are. You deserve nothing less!

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 8:32 am

2. 2 On March 30th, 2009, Harriet Welch said:

   Dump the boyfriend. She’s probably staying with him because she has low self esteem and doesn’t think she’ll ever find anyone else. He’s probably staying with her because he’s a loser and can’t get anyone else. She’s better off with no one than with him.

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:04 am

3. 3 On March 30th, 2009, bigmovesbabe said:

   Oh, man, to borrow from Dan Savage, DTMFA. When you unload the combined weight of him, his douchiness, his entitlement, and the psychological pressure he is applying… you may want to tie yourself down to the ground first, or you’ll end up floating away!

   Given the notoriously bad rates of success for weight-loss programs or approaches of any kind, and the fact that most people yo-yo, this is just setting yourself up for a cycle of emotional manipulation. It’s already happening; I mean, “eating healthy” and giving up “junk food”, those may be good things, but you initiated those changes because of what he said, and that is a BAD THING.

   Get the hell out. If he’s using your weight as an excuse to not commit, that’s weak. He’s been dating you for 7 years, and that whole cow/milk proverb, as retrogressive as it is, applies here. If he’s being honest and that’s the only reason? He’s a shallow scumbag, and that condition doesn’t usually improve in adults.

   *******

   This sort of thing makes me grit my teeth, both because of the utter, utter entitlement of the person making the condition, and the fact that this woman, with her low self-esteem, represents millions of women who are buying the message from a source that should be free of such messages. Gah! Gah! Gah!

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:05 am

4. 4 On March 30th, 2009, Godless Heathen said:

   My advice to Just Fluffy is to get a used copy of The Gift of Fear (or one from the library), take a mental inventory of this guy’s behavior, and see if it’s part of a pattern of controlling behavior or if it’s something they can discuss and he can get over. She’s put a lot of energy into this relationship, which is the only reason why my first response isn’t automatically DTMFA. I would tell her that people love us and accept us for who we are, and if we have to change for someone they aren’t worth it.

   I was in a relationship with a guy who wanted me to gain weight for him and would constantly harp on how hot I’d be if I just gained 20 pounds. It was stressful, draining, and really an unhealthy situation, but I was too inexperienced to realize that what he was doing was wrong. I think if there’s an onus on one person (usually the woman!) to get hot and stay hot to keep the relationship going, something’s not right. Being single is so not the worst thing that can happen to you.

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:11 am

5. 5 On March 30th, 2009, Shoshie said:

   Erg, that is a shitty situation. She should get out, though I can imagine that it’s difficult after seven years. However, I do know that I had to sit the fiance down a couple times and tell him that if he ever felt the need to comment on my weight, I WAS going to leave him because I deal with that shit enough from the rest of the world, I don’t need it from him. He got the message, though every now and then needs a reminder. Not from malice or anything, just because fat hatred is so ingrained, he forgets sometimes how sensitive a topic it really is.

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:33 am

6. 6 On March 30th, 2009, Linda said:

   Frankly, I wonder if Just Fluffy’s weight is even the real issue at-hand here

   I actually know a real-life couple where the hubby blamed his lack of sex drive on his wife’s weight (and she wasn’t all that fat). When I heard from them a half year later, it turned out he “came to terms with his sexuality” and left her for another man.

   The $64,000 question is, if she lost weight for him, could she/would she want to/ keep it up for the next 50 years? Didn’t think so.

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:38 am

7. 7 On March 30th, 2009, Fatadelic said:

   Dump him!

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:48 am

8. 8 On March 30th, 2009, Ostara said:

   Rwar. Aside from the fact that her boyfriend sounds like a douche, Amy’s response was just… blah. I hate the assumption this kind of shit brings on, the assumption that it’s ok to tell someone to lose weight and to tell them (rather than at least ask!) they are unhealthy as long as they aren’t saying you have to do it for the relationship’s sake. The reality is, that kind of bullshit only further propagates the idea that guys like this are perfectly ok say that kind of shit, and more than well within their bounds as long as they hide under the ruse of “I’m only worried about your health”.

   Gah. Much as I got the message that my body sucked from pretty much every other outlet throughout my life, hearing shit like this makes me really glad I’ve never been told this by the few men who’ve told me they loved me.

   also, bigmovesbabe has it right on. It sounds as though he’s probably just using this as an excuse to not commit and if that’s the case well, is there really need to continue the relationship further?

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:00 am

9. 9 On March 30th, 2009, Shinobi said:

   Eat what you want and dump him. He’s not going to marry you, and in the long run you will be glad he didn’t. What a prick.

   posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:32 am

10. 10 On March 30th, 2009, meerkat said:

    Dump him! DTMFA! Being single is better than dating an asshole, that’s my philosophy. (Also applies to genuinely nice guys who are for whatever reason incompatible with you, but I think the “asshole” version is appropriate here.)

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:34 am

11. 11 On March 30th, 2009, Nicole said:

    I’ve been stewing over this one since I read it, but mainly because of her response. I was wondering when Amy Dickenson had the chance to get her medical degree, read the available literature, and examine this woman so that she could know straight up that she “needs” to lose weight. Oh, and how she knows that her weight is solely attributable to emotional eating. Frankly, the last thing this woman needs to do is have a discussion with her douchenozzle boyfriend to discover how much weight she “needs” to lose to get him to marry her. Life is too short for conditional love, and it’s pretty clear from her letter that she already intuits this but hasn’t been able to fully get on board with it. What she needed was for Dickenson to back up that gut feeling. Instead she got the equivalent of the “just try WW” crap that any fat person has heard thousands of times. Grrrrr.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:35 am

12. 12 On March 30th, 2009, Mary Sue said:

    I know how she can drop about 180 lbs real quick— dump that idiot.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:47 am

13. 13 On March 30th, 2009, sarah said:

    Kick that d-bag to the curb! I think it *is* very likely that her weight is not the true issue. And even if it were…he’s an asshole. I hope Fluffy realizes that there are people out there who will love and respect her as she is.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am

14. 14 On March 30th, 2009, Ginger said:

    Dump his ass. If he hasn’t married her by now, then he’s not going to.

    Besides, lets say that she actually does lose some weight. Who’s to say that he won’t find another reason not to marry her?

    What an asshat.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:14 am

15. 15 On March 30th, 2009, Piffle said:

    Yep, he’s got control and commitment issues. Even if she is above her setpoint weight due to emotional eating (doubtful, but take it as a remote possibility) and can lose some weight by learning to eat what her body really wants; she will gain weight as she gets older, our bodies are programmed that way. Then he’ll make her life hell.

    I agree, dump him. Don’t throw future years after the past ones.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:18 am

16. 16 On March 30th, 2009, blablover5 said:

    Ugh, Ask Amy had another column last sunday where a grandmother wrote in saying that she was worried about her granddaughter and wanted her to get lap band surgery.

    Basically all Amy said was that she should be more worried about getting her daughter help for her obvious overeating and that even if she got the surgery she’d just eat her way back to being huge again. So a ton of assumptions and lies. Is there a single good advice columnist out there?

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:19 am

17. 17 On March 30th, 2009, nymphaeales said:

    I asked him what happens when I gain weight from a pregnancy, and his answer was, “We will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

    Did anybody else read this as, “And I reserve the right to harangue you about your weight at any point in the future”?

    I’d tell her to leave him, too. Who wants to spend the rest of their life obsessing over whether or not every ounce they gain is going to make their partner treat them cruelly, cheat on them, or divorce them? Nobody should ever be treated that way, and “Fluffy” deserves much better.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:24 am

18. 18 On March 30th, 2009, Nicole said:

    blablover5, there is one great columnist out there: Miss Conduct in Boston. She is a regular reader at Shapely Prose.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:27 am

19. 19 On March 30th, 2009, Dolcina said:

    Amazing, she’s dating my ex!

    The bastard had me tied up in the ‘I’m only saying it for your own good, you’d be so much happier if you lost weight’ crap for 7 YEARS before I saw through his controlling bullshit and got away. And, funny thing, this man who just couldn’t fancy fat women, who had so much to put up with since I got fat, chose for his next girlfriend a woman who was fatter than I was. Seems like what he really couldn’t fancy was women he couldn’t put down…

    Also, I know it’s been said loads of times before, but I hate that ‘addicted to food’ rubbish so much it makes me want to yell at the computer screen every time I read it. Yes, I am addicted to food, it’s called being alive and not wanting to starve to death. I’m also addicted to oxygen and water. Gah!

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:40 am

20. 20 On March 30th, 2009, Wogglebug said:

    So this guy says he doesn’t want to stay with her long-term if she’s fat: only if she’s thin.

    People’s natural body shape tends to be stable over time, so chances are she’s going to spend most of the rest of her life fat. What’s the point of dieting until he marries her if he’ll leave in five years when the weight comes back?

    The bit about possibly gaining weight from pregnancy, and “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” was a particular red flag to my eyes. Weight gain is always a part of pregnancy. It usually takes a while to go away afterward, and in many cases one’s body is permanently changed. So his idea that they could try having a kid, and then he could leave her while she’s pregnant or has a new baby? Not good.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 11:57 am

21. 21 On March 30th, 2009, Alice said:

    Ditto to the above – there are lots of other options out there, and she deserves someone who won’t play games. If her weight was an issue of attraction for him, why would she want to stay with him – married or not? If he’s attracted to her, why is her weight only an issue relating to marriage? There are real issues here, and it doesn’t seem that he’s willing to work on it.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:08 pm

22. 22 On March 30th, 2009, Rachel said:

    blablover5, there is one great columnist out there: Miss Conduct in Boston.

    Yeah, I like her and Carolyn Hax (Washington Post columnist), even though she can be kind of verbose. Hax’s response here makes me think that she’s fairly size-friendly.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:21 pm

23. 23 On March 30th, 2009, Rachel said:

    Yes, I am addicted to food, it’s called being alive and not wanting to starve to death. I’m also addicted to oxygen and water. Gah!

    I agree that the verbiage is unfortunately worded, but I think that when people say this, they’re more so referring to much greater emotional issues like binge eating disorder or compulsive overeating. The consumption of food releases chemicals in the brain and body. For some people, food consumption has a kind of tranquilizing effect, calming stress and numbing the mind. For people with disordered relationships to food, it’s entirely possible to become addicted not to food, per se, but to the feelings produced by food consumption or bingeing.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:24 pm

24. 24 On March 30th, 2009, Rachel said:

    I guess it’s good that this guy was upfront with her about his size prejudice BEFORE they married and better yet, before they brought children into the relationship. But still… where does he get off demanding anything? Aren’t relationships and marriages considered partnerships where both sides hold equal sway and autonomy? It’s one thing to sit down and say, “Honey, I love you but I am concerned about your weight and how it’s affecting our relationship. I am there for you and will support you becoming healthier any way that I can.” This guys seems to have said quite clearly, “I will not marry you because you’re fat.” If his concern is truly about health (which I doubt), where’s his regard for Fluffy’s mental health?

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

25. 25 On March 30th, 2009, Meryt Bast said:

    Just Fluffy, you’re in love with an immature twit. Sorry, but based on what you’ve told us, that’s the truth. Breaking up with him will probably hurt, but that kind of heartache ends. Once a person learns he can put you down and manipulate you, he’ll never stop — and that hurts a whole lot more. You deserve much better. Take very good care of yourself.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:39 pm

26. 26 On March 30th, 2009, spacedcowgirl said:

    I imagine she can’t see it after putting 7 years of effort into this relationship, but being alone would be better than being with someone who in my opinion either a) is attracted to fat women and hates that about himself, b) is using her weight as an excuse for a fear of commitment or something else that is actually the problem, as many people have mentioned, or c) really isn’t attracted to her and probably never will be. a) is probably the most hopeful possibility because given some time and therapy, maybe he could learn to accept his preferences and they could be happy. But for me, at this point in my life–and it’s easy for me to say because I’m married, but I think it’s true–I would never stay with someone who was that negative (or really negative at all) about my weight when there are so many other someones out there who would be very attracted to my body type. It’s just not worth the mental anguish and constant worry that the other person is unhappy, about to leave you, cheating on you, etc.

    Wogglebug, the pregnancy thing raised the biggest red flag for me too. What does “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it?” mean?! There is no way I’d purposely have a child with a man who not only thought my natural body type was repulsive, but also had a high likelihood of thinking that my body WHILE CARRYING OUR CHILD was repulsive and something I should somehow be blamed for.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:49 pm

27. 27 On March 30th, 2009, Dolcina said:

    ‘I agree that the verbiage is unfortunately worded, but I think that when people say this, they’re more so referring to much greater emotional issues like binge eating disorder or compulsive overeating.’

    Rachel – Yes, indeed, and many apologies if I sounded dismissive of anyone with binge eating disorder, etc, it wasn’t my intention.

    I think my problem with ‘addicted to food’ is that the way it’s often used, and is used in the response, assumes that all fat people must have disordered eating behaviours, because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be fat. I do think this is can be damaging – certainly, my own internalised response to this is to assume that any desire for food is ‘being addicted to food’ and therefore sinful and bad, as if only fat people ever got hungry.

    I know that for some people, compulsive eating is something to be struggled with, but surely we do have to take issue with phrases which imply that all humans don’t have a degree of compulsion to eat and that feeling a strong physical desire to have some food isn’t in and of itself a problem?

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm

28. 28 On March 30th, 2009, Dolcina said:

    Sorry, I mean ‘is used in Amy’s response to the letter’, not your response to me!

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm

29. 29 On March 30th, 2009, Moe said:

    Dear Fluffy,

    If you sit back and look at this from the outside you’ll see how immature and controlling you partner is trying to be. If you succumb to this kind of behaviour it will never end and you’ll probably end up with a few ulcers (or worse).

    You’ve wasted seven years of your life. It’s time to move forward. Dump the dud and find someone worthwhile to spend your life with. Yourself is a good start.

    If you really insist on losing weight then dump a-head after you lost it. He’s no prize fluffy or not.

    Luv ya!

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 2:07 pm

30. 30 On March 30th, 2009, Heather said:

    “Run away! Run away!”

    That was the first thing I thought when I read this. Everyone
    else has stated the reasons why she should leave, so I don’t need to reiterate. But it makes me feel so very, very sad. It enrages me that we aren’t valued for what we do, what we know, only for our looks.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 2:09 pm

31. 31 On March 30th, 2009, Meowser said:

    Before I was ever Officially Fat, but was starting to gain from antidepressant use, I had to dump someone who, when I pressed him, admitted he found me less attractive because of it. I said, “That’s really not fair. What if I got turned off to you because you weren’t making enough money?” He acknowledged that I was right, but it didn’t change how he felt. And what’s more, I highly doubted he’d have been hot for me again if I’d gone back to the weight I was when we met. Men like that never do. The weight is just an excuse for the fact that he’s tired of your ass, irrespective of its current volume, and would be even tireder of it if you married him.

    I mean, think about it. What are you going to do, check in with him every week to see if you’re thin enough to marry yet? And what if the only way you can get thin enough for him is to literally spend all your free time working out, all your energy dieting, being hungry and irritable all the time? Is he going to be any more eager to marry you then? Or worse, what if he does marry you, and all you do is fight about your weight and what you have to do to maintain it?

    Contrary to what Amy and millions of others believe, most fat women don’t spend all day with their heads in a barrel of Rocky Road. (And did this woman say she was a binge eater? If she is, that’s a completely separate issue from her weight; eating disorders are extremely painful regardless of what you weigh.) A good man does not make a woman starve in order to conform to his notions of hotness. If thinness is that doggone important to him, let him find some woman with a hummingbird metabolism. He’ll never be happy with someone who has to struggle to be thin.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 3:32 pm

32. 32 On March 30th, 2009, Bree said:

    It isn’t going to be easy to leave someone after that long, but for her sanity, she needs to.

    Honestly, men aren’t worth it, especially a man that can’t see past a number on a scale and uses this as an excuse not to marry her. And if he would have a problem with pregnancy weight gain, it’s time to close the legs and get the heck out of Dodge!

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 3:32 pm

33. 33 On March 30th, 2009, wellroundedmama said:

    Yeah, Dear Amy has had a lot of fatphobic clunker comments over the years. There’s a lot of assumptions about what a fat person “must” be eating and doing to themselves (mentally and physically) in order to be fat. Ugh.

    I ditto what everyone else has said (he’s doing classic emotional abuse manipulation), but I also heard an even more alarming implication. So he won’t marry her if she’s fat, and if she gains back some weight while pregnant, they’ll “cross that road” when they get there.

    So, think about the child, coming into this weight-toxic environment. He/she would have a strong chance of being fat or even just “chubby” too, given genetics. I bet this guy would be one of those nightmare fathers that harasses their children about their size, all “for their own good.”

    I can’t imagine ever wanting to have a child with this jerk. If he withholds his love and approval and a wedding ring to her just on account of her weight, imagine the kind of emotional damage he could do to a child. I can’t believe this woman would even consider having a sweet innocent child for him to destroy emotionally.

    She needs to run away, and run away fast. That Dear Amy didn’t pick up more strongly on this is very alarming and sad.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 3:37 pm

34. 34 On March 30th, 2009, Godless Heathen said:

    Does anyone else think “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” is code for “I’m going to cheat on you”?

    You know what, I take it back, DTMFA. The world is full of cute men (and women!) who will think you are the awesome just as you are. Finding one, or several, may take some time, but the journey itself can be worth it. If after 7 years he doesn’t realize that you are the frickin’ bomb, he’s not your man.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 4:02 pm

35. 35 On March 30th, 2009, Stef said:

    He just told me that my weight is the only reason we are not married.

    No, the reason you are not married is because he doesn’t want to get married to you. And if the reason he doesn’t want to get married to you is that he doesn’t approve of your body, then you should not marry him. I also think you should not continue to be his girlfriend, because being romantically involved with someone who disapproves of your body can be harmful to your sense of self-worth.

    I do need to lose weight. But it hurts to hear a comment like that from someone who claims he loves me. What happened to unconditional love?

    The kind of love that life partners have for each other is not and should not be unconditional. (Certainly it wouldn’t be appropriate to stay with someone who beat you up, for example.) But also, life partnership love should not be conditioned on the size and shape of anyone’s body. Marriage is supposed to be for your whole life. Everyone who lives a long time grows old and their body changes. Many people have things go wrong with their bodies. If your partner’s love is dependent on what your body looks like or how it works, then their love might go away when your body grows old and changes. And if you want to be married to them, presumably you don’t want that.

    Do I move on and find someone who will love me for me? Do I stay with him and lose the weight?

    Definitely move on and find someone who will love you the way you are, and who loves all of who you are and not just the way your body looks. This is important even if you decide to lose weight. Because a lot of people gain back the weight they lose. This is important even if you think that you may have an eating disorder. Because even if you do have one and you successfully treat it, your boyfriend might later on find something else to disapprove of about you. He’s proven that he’s willing to withhold something you want in order to manipulate you into changing, and the chances are he will do this again.

    If you are afraid you won’t be able to find another partner, then try to find a fat-acceptance support group in your town or on the Internet (for example, the fatshionista.livejournal.com group). Ask the people you find whether they were able to find good relationships even though they were larger than what society tells them they should be. You will find that many have been able to.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 5:09 pm

36. 36 On March 30th, 2009, scattered marbles said:

    oh yeah I have been there, had my fiance have an almost near breakdown and tell me how distressed he was because I was just the most awesome person in every way he just couldn’t get past my weight and if I could just do something about that then he would for sure marry me. Me in my love blinded, body hating state of mind said oh for sure baby I will work really hard to lose the weight so that I can be what you need. Fast forward a couple months where the weight wasn’t coming off fast enough for him and I was getting quite tired of always hearing about it and constantly feeling in danger of losing him and not being good enough. Finally.. omg FINALLY he told me I just wasn’t doing a good enough job and that we were over. Ok seriously the RELIEF I felt when that happened was just… WOW. Yes I was heartbroken I truly loved him but there was this feeling of relief because now I wasn’t constantly having to worry if he would bring it up AGAIN and how would I explain why I hadn’t just lost all 100 or so pounds the wanted yet. A month later he was marrying some “beautiful” chick and I was alone but so very grateful that that woman wasn’t me, I finally realized that my life would have been miserable with him because I would always feel the hysterical feeling that I wasn’t good enough and at any moment could lose what I was trying to keep. Their marriage ended a few months later, and I knew that he was looking for a woman who could make him feel better about himself and honestly that was never going to happen.

    I don’t want to be some guys accessory, I want to be their partner, friend, lover, equal. I want love to be given without having to be earned.

    Rachel your reply is spot on
    ” But still… where does he get off demanding anything? Aren’t relationships and marriages considered partnerships where both sides hold equal sway and autonomy? It’s one thing to sit down and say, “Honey, I love you but I am concerned about your weight and how it’s affecting our relationship. I am there for you and will support you becoming healthier any way that I can.” This guys seems to have said quite clearly, “I will not marry you because you’re fat.” If his concern is truly about health (which I doubt), where’s his regard for Fluffy’s mental health?”

    If someone ties strings to their love, or to the next step in the relationship, and holds it above your head instead of you both sitting down to figure out what is best for the both of you in the situation, then honestly that person does not truly love you, and the best thing you can do for yourself and that person is to walk away. Hopefully they will someday mature and learn what a true loving partnership is, and you will not have had to go through the mental abuse and torture trying to fill an unreachable standard for them.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 5:30 pm

37. 37 On March 30th, 2009, Coralie said:

    Hold it right there girl! The one with problems here is your fella – not you! If he’s seriously telling you he’s dated you for 7 years and not loved you enough to marry you – that makes him one big turkey in my book.

    You are not massive or unattractive or unlovable. You deserve a partner who will love and cherish you for the womanly shape God has given you – and for the beautiful curves that pregnancy will bring. Honestly can’t see this guy being a pillar of strength to any girl through a pregnancy so it’s much better to get rid now and find yourself someone you deserve.

    Take courage and walk away NOW with your head held high!

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 6:33 pm

38. 38 On March 30th, 2009, Diana said:

    Dear Just Fluffy:
    I’m going to say what you may or may not listen to, but DUMP HIM. It’s been seven years. If he doesn’t pop the question by year five, he’s not going to, and he probably picked you because he’s assuming your self-esteem is low enough to put up with his crap. After two months without this jerk (two months is NOT forever) you’ll feel so much better about yourself that you won’t think twice about filing the restraining order this jackass deserves – because once he’s lost control of you, he will try to take it back. Leave him and legally humiliate him with glee. And find someone fabulous who’s on the some page as you for wanting marriage, kiddies and loving each other completely.

    XOXO
    The Fat Chic

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 6:51 pm

39. 39 On March 30th, 2009, Valerie said:

    A very wise man once said to me ‘Valerie, a man knows if he wants to marry a woman within the first few months of dating- usually within the first. If you find yourself dating a man for more than two years and he doesn’t ask or at least start the discussion- he’s probably not going to.’ His reasoning wasn’t that women need to be waiting with baited breath or whatever. He just argued that if getting married is the goal then a woman is wasting her time after that two year mark.

    At the time I thought this was old school nonsense and I dismissed it out of hand. But it is one of the most accurate things someone has ever said to me. Every one of my friends were at least engaged within two years if not earlier. And I’ve mentioned this discussion with guy friends and male family members. They have all agreed that its a good rule of thumb. Frankly, I think that women deserve better than to sit around waiting for some jackass to make up his mind- chances are that he has already.

    Now I know there are going to be woman on here saying this wasn’t true for them, this is old fashion etc. Fine. Good for you. But I do think that Just Fluffy can save herself a lot of trouble by not allowing romantic relationships to go past two years without a significant commitment. There are men out there who are willing to commit and be in love with who she is right now.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 8:05 pm

40. 40 On March 30th, 2009, Lisa Baca said:

    Fluffy is one lucky girl. I say not only no but HELL NO. Don’t marry some guy to whom you are a convenience. And when you see him with a new skinny girlfriend, walk up and thank her with genuine appreciation for taking butthead off your hands.

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

41. 41 On March 30th, 2009, Sara A. said:

    Dear Fluffy,

    As Dan Savage would say DTMFA*! Now! Before you end up a gibbering mess.

    Love and Kisses

    S

    *Dump the Mother F****ing A**hole!

    posted on March 30th, 2009 at 10:03 pm

42. 42 On March 31st, 2009, goodbyemyboy said:

    In my experience “I would marry you if only you were more X” is just code for “I don’t really want to be in a relationship with you but I also don’t want to give up my free sex.”

    posted on March 31st, 2009 at 1:33 am

43. 43 On March 31st, 2009, Me said:

    UGH!!

    If it’s not that it’s something else! My Baby Daddy’s excuse is that he won’t marry me until I am able to have an orgasm with him (like that even helps the process) Women are built different, Helloo?!?!!? Yeah, I’m sure EVERY SINGLE married Woman in the whole entire world can orgasm sooo easily with their Husbands! Stupid me didn’t know better than to fake with him.

    Well, guess what he HAS to marry me now (just names on papers, no ceremony or celebration) b/c I lose my health insurance if we don’t have evidence that he pays for me, yay.

    In other words, if it’s not this or that it’s something else with these types. I have kids with him and can’t really work until my Daughter’s Type1 is more under control but if Fluffy is C.F., frickin’ hit that door!

    Although I complain about my Baby Daddy at least he loved me when I was much, much heavier when we got together.

    posted on March 31st, 2009 at 1:57 pm

44. 44 On March 31st, 2009, newlyveg said:

    That douche!

    She should have thrown him out faster than she threw out her junk food.

    I can’t believe someone would have the audacity to say such a terrible thing.

    I hope that she gets rid of him, finds comfort and love in her family and friends so she can rebuild her self esteem, and find someone who cherishes her for who she is.

    I’m truly disgusted.

    posted on March 31st, 2009 at 2:56 pm

45. 45 On March 31st, 2009, Bronwyn said:

    Dear Fluffy,

    He doesn’t want to marry you, and he felt the need to take it out on you by making it about your weight. It is not about your weight. It is about his unwillingness to take it further, so dump him. You need someone who’s on the same wavelength and who isn’t going to resort to petty comments about your weight to make himself feel better.

    posted on March 31st, 2009 at 8:48 pm

46. 46 On April 1st, 2009, Valerie said:

    Me does your baby daddy know what or where the clitoris is? Is he similarly aware that a small percentage… like 20 percent of women have orgasms with intercourse alone? He might want to invest in some vibrators or an index finger…

    Just sayin’.

    posted on April 1st, 2009 at 5:07 pm

47. 47 On April 2nd, 2009, awesome josh said:

    he just made an insensitive and shit comment. just kick his ass and make him pay. To be honest i dont think he will have realised how much it bothered you

    posted on April 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm

48. 48 On April 2nd, 2009, FatNSassy said:

    I guess if would depend if I wanted to keep my job or not. If I wanted to keep my job I would tow the corporate line, papers are in the business of creating and keeping consumers. Body dissatisfaction = more diet customers = happy newspaper sponsors.

    If I wanted to give good advise; however, I would tell her to dump her boyfriend in a heart beat. I once had a friend whose husband was always harping on her weight. I have never met a fatphobe harper that didn’t have issues. Turns out he had a girlfriend the entire 8 years of their marriage. His harping was really just a manifestation of his own guilt. Weight is not the real reason this boyfriend won’t commit, it is just a socially acceptable excuse. If she marries him, she will be miserable!

    posted on April 2nd, 2009 at 5:44 pm

49. 49 On August 14th, 2009, PlusSizedFeminist said:

    I may be young and all, but last time I checked, love was unconditional. I mean come the hell on! 7 years in a relationship, and WEIGHT is the main reason why you shouldn’t marry her??? You are kidding me. If that was such an issue, then why even be with her for so long. Obviously he doesn’t have his priorities straight. Dump the bastard.

    posted on August 14th, 2009 at 8:25 am

50. 50 On September 23rd, 2009, Love is blind, except when it comes to weight » The-F-Word.org said:

    [...] “I will love you regardless if you weigh 100 or 1,000-pounds.”  The endless array of bad advice from columnists to men and women bemoaning their fat spouses has only convinced me more than [...]

    posted on September 23rd, 2009 at 9:44 am

51. 51 On March 23rd, 2010, bigirlover said:

    Are you serious?! I can’t believe he would/could say that to you!!! That would be the end of it for me. What happens if you put the weight back on or gain from a pregnancy(like you said)? Does that mean he automatically wants a divorce?! That’s awful. There’s LOTS of guys that like big, curvy, voluptuous, fat (whatever you want to be called) women out there. Heck, I’m one of them!

    posted on March 23rd, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Leave a Reply