How to answer “Am I fat?”

26th August 2008

How to answer “Am I fat?”

posted in Body Image, Eating Disorders |

I lost 175 pounds in one year, in large part, from an eating disorder. Although my body had been shaken like a great Etch-a-Sketch, I couldn’t see the new picture. My eyes betrayed me. The mirror lied. No matter how much weight I lost, I still saw the 300-pound girl I was once. I began to play a kind of game with my sister. “Am I as thin as her? Am I as fat as her? Are my thighs as wide as hers?” I knew I could count on my sister to be brutally honest, but the suspicion she was lying to pacify me and my disordered mind took hold like an invasive poisonous vine.

This is what they call body dysmorphia. To sum up an otherwise complicated disorder, it’s an inability to see yourself as you really are; a severe and debilitating sense of body image. Shades of body dysmorphia usually coexist with an eating disorder but it can be a disorder unto itself. The bulk of my own mind-body disassociation occurred concomitantly with my eating disorder, most likely the result of a cryptic combination of misfiring neural synapses, malnutrition and cellular coding. But even girls and women who do not meet diagnostic criteria for either an eating disorder or BDD often have varying degrees of body insecurity and negative self image. Mass culture exerts so much pressure on women to look and behave in certain ways that body dissatisfaction becomes ingrained in our very psyches. It’s difficult if impossible to not absorb the relentless message that if only we use this makeup, reshape that body part, buy those clothes or lose weight that we too can achieve that unspoken promise of beauty and acceptance.

While recovering from my disorder, I not only had to learn how to eat, I also had to learn how to see. I can now buy a shirt without trying it on and be reassured that I once I get home, it will most likely fit my body. I can now stand naked before the mirror and while I might think I resemble a melting candle, I don’t see the land barge I once saw. Yet while I consider myself stable in recovery, there are still times when I am convinced I have ballooned to the size of a small hippo. While watching House Hunters last night, I asked my husband if I was as fat as the woman on the show. He paused, and then carefully answered in the negative. This is a tired routine for him and most of the time he simply refuses to play along. It never matters how he answers anyway, because the magic eight ball always comes up “Outlook not so good.” An answer of ‘no’ means “He’s just lying to make me feel better or he’s blind.” A refusal to answer is interpreted as “He’s not answering because he knows I’ve gained weight and doesn’t want to tell me.” And an answer of ‘yes’ would only validate what I already triumphantly know to be true — “See! I have gained weight! I knew it!”

I imagine poor husbands like mine across the country forced to walk a frayed tightrope across an emotional landmine of tangled emotions.

Two advice columnists – FoxSexpert Yvonne Fullbright and Hariette Cole – tackle the thorny question of how to respond to the dread “Am I fat” question in their columns today. Fullbright’s message is directed at women and Cole’s at children, but both sets of advice are pretty fantastic. I’ve never heard of or read Fullbright before, but this particular awesome insight from her totally absolves her of the taint of being a Fox News contributor:

If she is indeed round or curvy, pointing out that she has historically had major sex appeal will help her to realize that it is society that has the body-image issue, not her.

What do you think of the columnists’ advice? Would it work for you?

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 at 3:49 pm and is filed under Body Image, Eating Disorders. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On August 26th, 2008, MrsDrC said:

Oh, good post, good question.

Well I’m gonna have to guess as I dont think “Am I Fat?” has EVER crossed my lips. I’ve asked “does this look okay?” before.

I think her advice is pretty good. Reminding someone who’s feeling “fat” that they were/are sexy seems like a great affermation, and change of subject all in one. I’d suggest for the person anwering to make it that they ARE sexy, past tense might get you hurt. Now how exactly to word it is a whole other matter!

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 4:20 pm

2 On August 26th, 2008, Rachelgbd said:

I think “You look great.” is a good response. If pressed you could always get really indignant about not playing society’s game and categorizing their body beyond the fact that they are sexy and awesome full stop. But I bet usually, “You look great.” will suffice.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 5:12 pm

3 On August 26th, 2008, sunnyhello said:

My beloved spouse gave me the final answer on this question years ago by making my fat Beside the Point. “Look,” he said, “I don’t know how to answer a question like that. Because when you wake up in the morning with your eyes all squinky and oogy and your hair all foofy and stuck in 15 directions, you are so beautiful to me. All I ever see is how beautiful you are to me.”

I’ve never asked him again. “Yer goddamn sexy is what you are,” is a fine response.

On the other hand, because of body dysmorphia, I long to have more pictures of myself smiling and laughing so I have something more reliable to go by than what I think I see in the mirror.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 6:03 pm

4 On August 26th, 2008, Jackie said:

I’m not fond of Harriette Cole’s statement, that our society encourages extreme thinness even as obesity is on the rise. I guess it never occurred to her, to think that perhaps obesity is “on the rise” because we’re constantly lowering the weight standard for what is considered “healthy”. Tell your daughter nothing is wrong with her body, but remind her at the same time obesity is a problem. What kind of double-speak nonsense is that?

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 6:12 pm

5 On August 26th, 2008, goodbyemyboy said:

In terms of relationships, I think answering that historically fat people have been admired is a bit too distanced to be convincing. In my relationship, the answer would and should be “yes, and I think you’re gorgeous,” but that gets tricky for people who associate the word “fat” with more than large body size. The part about society having the body-image issue is spot-on, though.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 6:30 pm

6 On August 26th, 2008, Lindsay B said:

I’ve never asked “Am I fat?” because I’ve always been beyond the boundaries of doubt on that issue, but I have the feeling that if I DID lose weight, I wouldn’t pester someone with the question; I know it puts people on the spot and makes them feel uncomfortable, all for a quick reassurance of my vanity.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 6:58 pm

7 On August 26th, 2008, Melissa said:

In my experience I think I would have gotten mad at any response, because before I ask “Am I fat”, I’ve pretty much already made up my opinion on it.
It feels like my pain about the current situation is just looking for something to fuel it. It’s almost unconsciously try to make itself stronger and reinforce it’s attatchment to the “Fat” that I am.
However if someone made a comment that was more than a yes or no, a comment that pointed out my attractiveness and how society was flawed not me, I may instantly disagree in my moments of pain. But once the pain’s influence subsided I’d be left with that answer and most likely would think about it in a more open way.
So yeah I think that would be a better answer for me

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 7:04 pm

8 On August 26th, 2008, eshoe said:

Um, yeah – if we didn’t have to exist in the world there would be no such thing as ed’s.
But we do, and as humans we naturally strive to satisfy our fleshly desires; be they pride, money, power, or thiness.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 7:28 pm

9 On August 26th, 2008, Kristina said:

To my mind, the reply “You are sexy” is a non sequitur to the question “Am I fat”. These are not connected at all!
Mind you, if I asked “Do I look fat?”, maybe I would deserve an asinine answer.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm

10 On August 26th, 2008, DulcetDiscord said:

While it may be society’s problem, humans still desire and even need some measure of acceptance from the society they live in. Telling me that HISTORICALLY I WAS sexy is just annoying, and a further reminder that no one finds me sexy now.

11 On August 26th, 2008, Bri said:

So because fat people have been considered sexy, I am meant to feel ok about being fat? What has looking sexy got to do with it? My sense of self worth does not rely on whether I am considered sexy or not. That response just reinforces the idea that women exist just for men’s sexual enjoyment and defines us as sexual objects with little to no worth in other areas.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 8:17 pm

12 On August 26th, 2008, Lisa said:

It’s profoundly disorienting to lack a steady body image. Shopping takes me forever.

As to the dread question, would it be smartass-y to reply, “why do you ask?”

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 9:05 pm

13 On August 26th, 2008, Jen said:

I have to agree with Bri, although the comment is said in the right spirit, the wording is all wrong.
I’ve asked “Does this look ok?” when what I’ve really wanted to know was “Does this make me look like an ugly fat cow?” Its’ the same thing for me.

posted on August 26th, 2008 at 9:33 pm

14 On August 27th, 2008, littlem said:

1) I’ve found that with other people/friends, “You look great” and then shifting the conversation to some part of their outfit/ensemble that I really like tends to quell it.
If it feels like they really are fishing for endless compliments in the disguise of legitimate body anguish, I find the more confrontational “Why do you ask?” tends to quickly put an end to it.

2) If, however, we’re talking about this scenario –

“I’ve asked “Does this look ok?” when what I’ve really wanted to know was “Does this make me look like an ugly fat cow?” Its’ the same thing for me.”

– I’ve found that the only thing that has worked has been to develop enough
- ruthless honesty with myself and
- confidence in my own opinion and taste

to never have to ask someone else that question.

It didn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t always work, but it sure takes about 75% of the pressure off.

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 1:11 am

15 On August 27th, 2008, littlem said:

Whew. A book. P.S. Great post, Rachel.

16 On August 27th, 2008, dragonfly said:

I also agree with Bri. I find offensive the notion that my sex appeal is any more tied to my worth than my beauty is. To me, that’s just buying into society’s myth that a person’s value should be based on their appearance–whether you are talking in terms of traditional beauty or sex appeal it really makes no difference.
I also found the discussion of body dysmorphia interesting. Any body dysmorphia I may have is the reverse of what you are talking about. I am always shocked when I see myself in pictures because I don’t ever think of myself as being as large as I apparently actually am. Maybe it is different because I have not been large all my life–only a.c. (after children). I don’t really know.

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 8:00 am

17 On August 27th, 2008, WatsonNyc said:

I have a (size 4) aunt who always asks me this question. Her body issues are always the main topic of discussion at family functions because she gives everyone running commentary about her eating habits and “OH, look how fat I got! I really shouldn’t eat this pie, oh, I’m so fat. I’ve eaten SO much today.”

She’s the smallest person in my family. Absolutely no one else will discuss their own body, just her. It’s truly maddening to be around her because she’ll inspect YOUR plate to see what YOU are eating.

Bottom line: Don’t ever let anyone else tell you what you think or feel about yourself. And if you need to ask, please know you’re probably driving everyone else in the room completely batshit.

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 8:35 am

18 On August 27th, 2008, polly said:

my body dysmorphia is probably in the other direction as I frequently underestimate the size of my hips whilst navigating doors – I tend to assume I am gorgeous and that I can park in that space… but I have learned my lesson at least in relation to cars…

I read one of the advice columnists for a few moments before giving up and she seemed to be pushing the “reassure her that she’s sexy” response…

Which is fine, I guess, but I prefer the response “I’m in love with the ugliest girl in the world” (I think it’s a Nick Cave song, but maybe it’s by Tom Waits) – that’s what my husband does when I get wiggy and ask ridiculous questions about whether or not I am as fat as a house…

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 8:41 am

19 On August 27th, 2008, goodbyemyboy said:

@dragonfly: I feel the same way about feeling myself as smaller than I am, and I was always average size until the past few years. I think part of it is thinking of myself as I’m used to being, but another part is having body confidence and self-esteem while still holding on somewhat to the internalized notions that fat is bad and thin is good–so that I really can’t picture myself as “fat” and “beautiful” at the same time. I’ve noticed that when looking at “bad” pictures of myself–that the “bad” ones, the “ugly” ones, are ones in which I look fat.

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 9:05 am

20 On August 27th, 2008, Stefanie said:

when I read Yvonne’s column I understood it as a response to “am I fat?” specifically when it is asked by a person whose body insecurities are causing them to feel unsexy and preventing them from fully enjoying their sex life.

I find myself asking my partner the “am I fat?” question, but I think what I’m really saying is “will you still be attracted to me if my body changes?” I’m in my early 30s and my body has been changing noticeably, (or maybe I’m just noticing it more). along with all the pressure to be thin, there’s also this unrealistic notion that not only is a perfect body attainable, but once obtained, it can be held on to no matter what happens in your life (as long as you do the “right” things).
So yeah, it’s such a bombshell of a question because it’s not about an objective reality, it’s about how you feel. But it’s still easier to ask “am I fat?” than “Are you attracted to me even if I don’t meet the cultural standard?”

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 11:00 am

21 On August 27th, 2008, DollyAnn said:

I will admit to having asked the dreaded “Am I fat?” question before. Part of it stems though from my difficulty undersatnding what qualifies as fat today. Am I fatter than the women on televison? Oh yeah. But when it comes to being like Joy Nash and saying I’m fat, I hesitate because I’m not as fat as a lot of women in the fat and size acceptance movements. I feel guilty making myself the standard. It’s like saying, “I’m the smallest fat you can be.” And since “smallness” is that feminine quality we keep reverting to, people interpret the smallest fat as the best fat. Kind of defeats the purpose.

It’s confusing today though because our idea of what women’s bodies are supposed to look like is so warped. From my understanding of human anatomy, women are SUPPOSED to be fat. And that’s not bashing thin women either… we do come in all shapes and sizes. But women have more fat than men for a reason (Babies, anyone?) So, when we expect women to have the body fat percentage of men, what becomes “fat” (and later, “obese”-aka horrendous) is shifted.

That’s what makes the question, “Am I fat?” so weird, in my opinion. It’s like asking, “Am I the way I’m physically/biologically designed to be and/or am I also the way society expects me to be?”

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 1:39 pm

22 On August 27th, 2008, Rachel2 said:

Very good question, Rachel. Unfortunately, I’ve let that question slip from my lips once or twice, but for the most part, I quell it. It will be a “Do I look okay?” and if he says yes, then everything’s okay.

My (wonderful) husband has told me on many occasions that no matter what size I am, he will still find me sexy and beautiful. No matter what time of day it is, he likes me and that he likes and loves me for me. He has told me that if I feel the need to lose weight, do so, but NOT for him. He has also very passionately and adamantly told me that no matter what, he will always love me. He says that I could be “as big as a house” and he would love and stand by me. He also says that if I were “as thin as a rail” he would love and stand by me. Size truly does not matter to him, he finds me beautiful no matter what society says. He has helped me deal with my very negative perception about my body, and although I’ve still got some serious issues, it makes it a lot easier that he’s honest and clear about loving me for who I am, not my size. He is also very clear that I WILL be attractive to him NO MATTER WHAT because the attraction is based on so much more than a physical level. It certainly takes the pressure off from one of the many externals that add pressure about body size. I’m working through it, though, and eventually, I’ll respect myself for who I am – A goddess.

posted on August 27th, 2008 at 4:31 pm

23 On December 16th, 2008, Alexis Abney said:

i am 85 pounds and i am 5,1 feet tall and i am 10. people in my class say im fat am i i dont think so what is wrong with me am i fat do you think i dont know help me.HELP ME!

posted on December 16th, 2008 at 8:20 pm

24 On June 23rd, 2009, Exorcising “phantom fat” » The-F-Word.org said:

[...] some for the worse, but the one thing that remained constant was the way I saw myself as the same 300-pound ugly fat girl. Body dysmorphia disorder often goes hand-in-hand with eating disorders, but it exists even [...]

posted on June 23rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm