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1. 1 On August 18th, 2008, sara said:

   I feel, as a French woman who was brought up a Catholic, that Catholicism in France is very influenced by Saint Paul’s teachings, which can be summed up as one long cry against women. I have, therefore, huge misgivings with any Catholic ceremony requesting the bride to “obey” her husband. And having my father give me away, like a suspicious parcel in the subway, is not really my dream either.
   I’d be interested to know why some women yearn for a big traditional (patriarchal?) wedding.

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

2. 2 On August 18th, 2008, Emily said:

   I regret that I wasn’t able to have a big fancy wedding, because I wanted to *dress up* and to *have a big party*. Circumstances were such that I actually got married in a justice’s office with a couple of random office workers as witnesses, far away from anyone I knew (other than my husband of course). I was slightly bitter about that for many years.

   If I’d been able to have things my way, a lot of customs would have been ruthlessly tweaked to meet our personal tastes. I do like tradition for the sake of tradition to an extent. It’s like being part of some long ongoing artistic performance. However, obviously, none of this ‘obey’ stuff for me!

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 5:25 pm

3. 3 On August 18th, 2008, devil said:

   Hee! DH and I eloped in Las Vegas back in 1989. You should have heard how utterly sexist the vows in that tacky chapel were. I didn’t have to say “obey”, but damn near. We giggled through the whole three-minute ceremony. BTW, the chapel we married in is now housed in a Las Vegas museum. Now THAT makes me feel old.

   I didn’t want a wedding, I wanted a marriage. That’s what I got and still have.

   Weddings today just aren’t the optimistic, joy-filled events they used to be. Firstly, the couple marrying is probably cohabitating already (not that there’s anything wrong with that), so the marriage is more of a legality than a major life-changing event. Secondly, most marriages end in divorce…a fact that’s been true for years. It’s hard not to be a cynical guest when attending one of these lavish affairs.

   The only thing that would bother me about the wedding you attended is the sheer boredom of it all. Really, that sounds like an excruciating way to spend thirty minutes. I hope the food was decent (I usually hate wedding food).

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 5:47 pm

4. 4 On August 18th, 2008, The Bald Soprano said:

   The ceremony above does set warning bells off for me. I couldn’t have had a ceremony like that.

   We had a Methodist ceremony (my grandfather officiated), with only slight adjustments to the vows (my grandfather took out the ‘obey’ before he gave us the vows to look at…). But we didn’t have attendants, nor did anyone give me away –my husband and I walked up together with my grandfather. I don’t have the copies of the vows on hand (recent move–lots of things are still in boxes), but I THINK that our vows were identical, or nearly so. Nothing about him being the head of the household, that’s for sure! (if there had been, I would have changed it…in spite of my m-i-l still dropping hints that she’d like a ‘real’ XXXX-named grandchild. Apparently her granddaughter doesn’t count to her because she’s a daughter’s daughter. But that’s another rant entirely.)

   We had a religious ceremony because my husband is religious (I’m not, particularly), and we had a methodist ceremony so that my grandfather could officiate. We had planned on having a catholic ceremony later for all the family and friends on this side of the atlantic who couldn’t fly to the US for the first ceremony, but the Catholic church nixed that idea, for some reason.

   My husband offered to take my name, but I chose to do it the other way because I have a brother and 8 of my 12 first cousins share the name, whereas at that point it looked like my husband was the last of his family (the sister who wasn’t married decided not to get married, and has a kid now, who has her name. If I had known that was going to happen before we got married? I don’t know if I’d have made the same decision or not…) I wanted us to have the same name because I went through hell because of my hyphenated last name growing up (I legally dropped half of it once I was old enough). As it turns out, in Germany you only have the option of one person taking the other person’s name or both hyphenating the names. This seems really weird to me…

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

5. 5 On August 18th, 2008, Alex said:

   *shrugs*

   You must not live in the south. Every wedding I’ve been to has had these elements, including my own.

   I wouldn’t say these are archaic things to practice since many still do so. However I think how they are viewed has changed. I don’t think “giving away the bride” is meant to evoke thoughts of her as cattle. It’s just an expression. “Head” of the household is a christianese term that is widely misunderstood also…especially because the original greek of this word doesn’t mean what we think it does.

   There’s my two cents anyway.

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 5:53 pm

6. 6 On August 18th, 2008, April D said:

   I’ve had two weddings of my own now and been to quite a few others (more than once as a bridesmaid). I’d have to say that a lot of the religious (and non-religious) trappings in weddings are very ofensive to any thinking woman who isn’t just going through the rote to get to the cake and dancing. The simple answer I’ve learned is if it makes you uncomfortable; don’t do it. Conventions be darned; your wedding should be HAPPY for you; not awkward and uncomfortable.

   My first wedding was more of the “traditional side” as far as set up but we wrote our own vows; some taken from some really partnership based african ceremony translations; and got married outside, actually tying the knot with a bit of celtic words, etc. It was fun, the MANY friends and family loved our vows (We both had the SAME vows to remain economically self-sufficient) and then there was the usual cake, dance, etc. That said though there was still a lot of traditional crap that could have been cut out.

   My second wedding (and the last, thank you!) was a VERY small affair. A handful of witnesses. I walked myself down the aisle in a blue dress I liked without any music. Our congregationalist pastor performed the ceremony before the altar and it was quick and simple and loving. Afterwards we had chinese in our apartment with everyone who came.

   I’ve been to/in weddings as elaborate as can be with entrees costing over $80 per person (though I can only remember that they served a lemon sorbet between two of the courses; darned if I remember the actual entrees!). I’ve been to a very religious wedding where the bride and groom sat at the front of the catholic church in semi-thrones and we all had to endure Mass along with the ceremony. I’ve also been to a giant family gathering style ceremony under tents outside of the couple’s home. With my really rather large family I’ve seen a lot of vows shared. The one thing that I’ve found works best though is that the couple actually WANTS to have whatever pomp & circumstances they are going through. If they are just walking the motions of all the religious or traditional large wedding jazz; you can tell and it is boring for everyone. If the couple is shining and loving every moment; then so does everyone there.

   I guess my advice (to anyone who wants it) would be to AVOID any trappings (religious or otherwise) that you don’t want. Do it your way. People will forgive if you don’t have the garter toss or (heaven forbide) don’t exchange vows to Obey and Respect. But people never forget a good cake. So always have a good cake

   Those are my long winded thoughts! Sorry for the mini novela there

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 5:56 pm

7. 7 On August 18th, 2008, nuckingfutz said:

   My own wedding was a hurried affair. We had exactly 7 days between deciding to get married *IMMEDIATELY* and the actual event. We did the simple thing: got married in a courthouse. So we didn’t have a whole lot of choice in the vows (I learned AT the ceremony that we could have written our own vows, but since I hadn’t known that before hand, we weren’t exactly prepared and had to go with what the JotP usually used - which was the sickness & health, till death do us part thing).

   My aunt’s wedding, only 2 years later, was different. For one thing, my aunt had a theme wedding - “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. (She said that since she never went to her high school prom, and would never have another opportunity to plan an event like this, she’d have the whole theme thing at her wedding. I thought it was a little odd, but I figured it was her day, she could have it her way.) We were raised Catholic (her mother raised me), but aunt D had absolutely NO religious anything during her wedding. They wrote their own vows, it was the shortest wedding ceremony I’d ever seen, and while aunt D DID have someone “give her away”, she opted for my grandmother to do it. Honestly, I think if Grandma wasn’t around, she would have just foregone the whole thing altogether, but I got the impression that D’s asking Grandma to do it was more about giving Grandma a more hands-on role in the ceremony than anything. Kind of like saying “this is MY special day, but you’re special too!”

   Had Hubby and I been in the position to have the kind of wedding I really wanted (a big one with all the bells and whistles), I probably would have opted to do something similar to what my aunt did. Our marriage started out as an equal partnership (although I admit it isn’t very equal right now, but that’s a rant for a different time and place, methinks), and no way in hell would I have CHOSEN to have to say “I promise to OBEY” my husband.

   Although he had to say the same thing to me, too!

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:11 pm

8. 8 On August 18th, 2008, Bree said:

   I’m not married, but the few weddings I’ve been too, the vows were in the traditional realm of “to love, honor, and cherish” but obey was not in it, and the vows were the same for the bride and groom. It is interesting that in this modern age, most weddings adhere to the rigid conformity of olden times. But if that’s what the couple wants, so be it.

   My mother married twice, both times in the local courthouse. She never wore a traditional dress. The first time, to my father, it was jeans. The second time, she wore a leopard print dress (this was 1986, mind you). The reception was at her new BIL and SIL’s house. SIL made the cake. We had a meat platter, sodas, and beer. Some guy played guitar. I wore shorts and a T-shirt, as did many of the guests. It was extremely casual and low-key. Mom and my stepdad will celebrate 22 years this September 30th.

   Too many of today’s couples, especially the brides, are all about the wedding and not about the marriage.

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:14 pm

9. 9 On August 18th, 2008, JeanC said:

   Both hubby and I are Wiccan, tho our respective families are note. We did have 2 wedding ceremonies with pagan over tones. The first was with a marriage commissioner in Vancouver BC Canada and by the time we went over what she had available it was pagan enough for us and his Southern Baptist mum hadn’t a clue. I wasn’t going to be denied my walk down the aisle with my dad and a dress, so the “proper” wedding was at the local UU church and again, it was pagan enough for us with a few other elements thrown in (such as breaking a glass in a piece of cloth). At no time was there any command to obey and I wasn’t “given” away as my parents where there to share in the joy of gaining a new family member.

   We also brought both weddings in for well under $1000

   posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:14 pm

10. 10 On August 18th, 2008, JeanC said:

    note = not

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:15 pm

11. 11 On August 18th, 2008, Sandy said:

    We opted for a interfaith minister…this is significant as DH is an Athiest and am a Buddhist. I didn’t want our vows to be the same as everyone else’s so I didn’t want JP to officiate, and since we weren’t Christian I didn’t want a minister/priest of the common variety.

    To make our vows more personal and less like I was becoming a slave to my husband I researched many Pagan weddings and adapted a ceremony to fit our needs and beliefs.

    Part of our ceremony entailed our officiant asking ME if I give MYSELF to DH since I am not property to be given away (yes, that is exactly what it said, that I am not property), we also didn’t have the usual vows either such as the “love, honor, obey” shtick. It was more of a “I will love and respect you always as my partner and my friend” for BOTH of us…we didn’t have separate “man” and “woman” vows.

    There are options out there if you dare to look for them and buck the system (and your family). It is YOUR ceremony after all…everyone else is there to only celebrate it with you.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:19 pm

12. 12 On August 18th, 2008, Melissa said:

    I’m not married, I live common law.
    In fact I’ve always loathed weddings- having only been to 3 in my life.
    I’ve refused to go to a few weddings in my family because I have a hard time dealing with all the dysfunctional behaviors of everyone, especially my family.
    I’m not attached to any religious structures or dogma either but I am spiritual (I feel all humans in their core are). So to me, the words uttered in ceremonies are really meaningless, and quite often people operate in violation of their vows anyways.
    I’ve avoided countless weddings because I knew the people being married were doing so because they thought it would fix everything, or they thought it would somehow restore their emptiness.
    And it never did. In fact the situations always got worse and the emptiness became more hollow.

    So I don’t hold weddings or vows on high in general, because what is the most important is how you relate to the world and how you think about yourself and others-
    Vows and ceremonies seldom have long lasting effects on the self.
    They’re really an illusion.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:24 pm

13. 13 On August 18th, 2008, Stephanie said:

    I’m getting married shortly and I’ve nixed nearly everything you’ve mentioned above for pretty much the reasons you mentioned. As a feminist, I cannot possibly have my father give me away, as much as I love him. I’m also not taking my future husband’s name because I decided when I was 8 or 10 that I wasn’t going to. I like my last name. (The kids may have his name. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.) There will be no religion associated with my wedding, because my fiance was raised agnostic/atheist and I’ve sort of gotten there over time (I was raised Lutheran). I’d love to refer to him as my ‘partner’ rather than my ‘husband’ (and him me — ‘wife’ makes me hurt a little bit sometimes), but I think whether or not I can do that depends on the company and where I’m living.

    I’ve attended 3 weddings in the past year; they were all over the map. One was two committed feminists getting married in a UU church in mostly a handfasting ritual; they walked up the aisle together and there was no ‘obeying’ anywhere; there was no ‘head’ of anything, either. The second was a religious ceremony in a UCC church; the reading was from 1st Corinthians (love is patient, etc.) and the vows were rewritten so that there was no ‘obeying’ and they were basically symmetrical. They were introduced as Mr. So and So and Ms. Her Last Name, husband and wife.

    The third one, though, was a fundamentalist religious wedding at a Bible Study Center; the pastor’s words started with, “Well, God said a wedding is between a man and a woman, so who are we to contradict him?” and went through the “obey” business and the “man is head of the house” thing — and before anyone says that this is just a weird interpretation of St. Paul, let me tell you that the pastor went on to say that that means that if there’s a major decision to be made, it’s definitely always the man’s job to make it. Where you’re going for vacation, for example. Although the husband may choose the place that ‘blesses’ his wife, it’s still HIS DECISION. (That’s a definition of ‘bless’ that I’m not familiar with, btw.)

    My poor fiance (whose major experiences with church were from an ex-girlfriend who was a liberal UMC gal) was horrified that there were actually people who WANTED that to be said at their wedding.

    Now, yes, of course people can have their weddings however they want them to be, and I’m still awfully glad I was there for my friend’s big day, but, um, it sort of gave us a primer on What Not To Do Since We’re Feminists and Non-Religious.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:25 pm

14. 14 On August 18th, 2008, SugarLeigh said:

    Wow, yikes. That sounds like the sort of ceremony that would annoy the crap out of me. My sister and new brother had a Christian ceremony with some infusions from Hawaiian culture (both harbor a deep love for the island where they vacationed in while courting, were engaged in eventually, and spent their honeymoon). Everything was about partnership and forgiveness, even the stuff the priest said, and that lovely piece about what love is and is not (love is kind, etc. etc.). When they were introduced, it was as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name, not Mr. and Mrs. First and Last Name. They were sharing a familial unit, not an identity.

    There was even a very nice ritual where the bride and groom each had a jar containing colored sand (blue for the groom, and if I remember aright, purple for the bride). The priest instructed them to pour some sand from their own jar into a third, empty jar. The two colors blended in the new jar. The priest instructed them to be careful to leave a little sand in their own original jars. This was to symbolize that they were now embarking on a new life together, but they must never lose themselves.

    It was all very lovely. You can have a nice ceremony, and even a religious ceremony, without having it be the Manual for Male Privilege/Entitlement.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:27 pm

15. 15 On August 18th, 2008, Prof said:

    I was a wedding attendant this spring, and at the rehearsal, the officiant read off the card that the bride and groom had written, “I now present for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. His Name.” I mentally debated and narrowly decided that it was the couple’s business, not mine, and chose not to speak up.

    But I was SO RELIEVED a minute later when the officiant herself spoke up, asking the bride about that particular word choice. I chimed in at that point. They were announced at the wedding itself as Mr. and Mrs HisFirstName HerFirstName His (and now Her) Last Name.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:27 pm

16. 16 On August 18th, 2008, MrsDrC said:

    Wow, I would have had a real hard time with that wedding.

    A. I’m an Athiest.
    B. I’m a FemiNazi!

    I’ve attended several weddings of women whom I saw as strong and unwilling to be controlled. Only to find at their wedding they were agreeing to vows to obey their husband and that he was the head of the household.

    This bothers me on two levels. Did these woment take these vows as just words and they will do things as they please? It’s a VOW, not just words. Or did they take these vows to heart and suddenly decide that because they were born without a stupid stick (penis) they were lesser human beings? Either way, I find it totally distrubing.

    We gave our families exactly three days notice that we “was getting hitched” in front of the courthouse. We didnt vow that one was better then the other, and the man who officiated our wedding was great. Putting emphasis on being PARTNERS.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:33 pm

17. 17 On August 18th, 2008, Tori said:

    I can see where you’re coming from with the giving away of the bride. I don’t know whether or not I’ll have my dad walk me down the aisle — on the one hand I do like the tradition of it all, but at the same time my dad and I are not particularly close and I too have thought of it like “property.”

    My mom HATES when people combine her name into my dad’s (Mr. and Mrs. John Doe) and she instilled that in me growing up. She said a woman is to be her own person. She doesn’t even open mail or anything addressed to her as Mrs. HusbandsName because everyone who knows her knows how she feels about it!

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:45 pm

18. 18 On August 18th, 2008, Deniselle said:

    As a lesbian, I often have to swallow my anger at my family’s weddings. My family is strongly religious and the weddings are by-the-book Biblical affairs (in the Lutheran tradition, which isn’t the worst ever, but it’s bad enough). I’m still a Christian and believe in some of what the ministers say, which actually makes it worse, because the God-made-man-and-woman crap would bug me considerably less if I didn’t believe in the same God.

    What bugged me the most was my cousin’s wedding this summer, because in his speech, the minister actually said that many people get offended by Paul’s words to husbands and wives (wives, be obedient and such crap), but “I don’t mind reading these to you, my young friends, because you are one of those BRAVE couples who waited until marriage.” My jaw dropped as I realized he was referring to their sex life - or lack thereof - in front of their whole extended families. I’m sure he found it very admirable, but how can you call it brave of all things? Ugh.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 6:46 pm

19. 19 On August 18th, 2008, Julia said:

    My fiance and I are writing our own Jewish/Catholic interfaith wedding, and I couldn’t be more excited. Check back with me in a year to see how it went.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 7:09 pm

20. 20 On August 18th, 2008, meaningful revisions said:

    I completely agree with you. I find the items you mentioned completely degrading and abhorrent. When I get married I will NOT be given away by my father, take my husband’s last name, and for those women who make the horrible choice of taking the husband’s name I think it’s beyond horrifying to have the “Mr. John Doe” for the announcement.

    I find Christianity as a whole (Catholicism and strains of other faiths in particular) to be anti-feminist and on the whole against women. It’s so wrong that Christianity refers to God and the Holy Spirit as male, and of course Christ is as well. I cannot respect a religion that is such a patriarchy.

    So, yes, most weddings annoy me. Someone today just posted wedding photos on Facebook with the Mr. John Doe thing and I’m trying not to comment on the photo on how degrading that is.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 7:29 pm

21. 21 On August 18th, 2008, TropicalChrome said:

    Our ceremony was based on the traditional, but omitted the word “obey” and added the vow “trust”. We had no Biblical readings, just the famous one from The Prophet and the poem “The Road Less Traveled”. Even though my husband and I are not religious, we had a few religious elements because our families are, and we decided that the importance of keeping the families calm for the next 40 years was more important in the long run than some words that really didn’t bother us all that much. (We’re terribly practical about such things.)

    We did hold firm in the things that mattered to us, like the actual vows. We recessed to the theme from Star Wars :-).

    My father walked with me across the lawn (outdoor ceremony), but there was no “giving away”. It was more that I knew it would mean a lot to him to walk with me, and frankly, I didn’t want to walk all alone. There was no “who gives this woman” at all.

    And we weren’t “announced” as we entered the reception - our wedding was very small, so we all just kind of milled around the reception together, no fancy arrival or anything. And the food was GOOD - that’s one of the things that was important to us, so that’s where we put our resources.

    Yes, the more traditional ceremonies annoy me, but I remind myself of two things: first, it’s not MY wedding or MY marriage. Marriage is intensely personal, so I believe strongly in respecting what each couple chooses, even if it’s not what I believe in.

    And second, I attend weddings out of love or affection or support for the couple. Just because I’m there doesn’t mean I’m supporting everything they’re doing - and there are some traditions I simply politely decline to particpate in.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 7:37 pm

22. 22 On August 18th, 2008, Arwen said:

    I had a friend who was going to do the whole “head of house”, “Mr and Mrs HisFirst HisLast”, because it ‘didn’t mean anything anymore’.

    So I suggested, if it didn’t really mean anything, then why not flip it? For at least one of the parts? Mr and Mrs HerFirst HerLast?”

    They ended up with a more neutral ceremony. The fact she just couldn’t imagine “HerFirst HerLast” really upset her.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 8:01 pm

23. 23 On August 18th, 2008, Coffee said:

    I was married in Vegas (by Elvis) and the vows for me and husband were both the same and I kept my last name. I’ve been to a few weddings but the ones with my friends were all of the non-religious variety so there was none of that “obey” or “head of household” crap in them.

    However, the one wedding I went to for one of my husband’s business friends was waaaay worse than the normal. It was in an church and the minister of the church gave a sermon about how the woman was to be the “helpmate” and take care of the house and obey her husband as the head of household. That she couldn’t make any decisions without her husband’s blessing and on and on for at least 45 minutes. Our jaws just dropped and we just looked at each other in horror during the whole thing. Some of the women around us were whispering that they couldn’t believe this and quite a few men where shouting out “Amen, Brother!”

    Even sadder was the fact that you could tell that this was not part of the rehearsal because the bride turned and gave the groom a look of “you are in deep shit” while he just stood staring straight ahead. Oh, did I mention that they were also living in her home she had previously bought and he didn’t have a car but was driving hers?

    Soon after the wedding that the guy was fired and my husband never had anything to do with him again. I wonder if they’re still married?

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 8:07 pm

24. 24 On August 18th, 2008, ally said:

    I was in a number of weddings before my own, and the thing that shocked me was when one bride told me, “It doesn’t matter what you do at your wedding, you won’t remember any of it, anyway.” I thought, if your wedding was so empty as to be less-than-memorable, what will your marriage be like? She made her wedding exactly like a dozen I had been to before. There was nothing special about it.

    So, when it came to my time to be married, I threw out the playbook and did everything my way. No church, we got married in a hotel suite. No attendents, no guests, only immediate family (not even aunts & uncles). No reception, just cake and champagne. I made the entire service, selected (with my hubby) the readings, used lovely non-religious vows, made my wedding music, everything. And it was perfect and meaningful and I loved - and remember - every moment of it.

    Your wedding should never be an empty ritual - it should be a celebration and a reflection of yourselves as a couple. If that means church and “regulation” vows, fine, but if it means a beach and a reggae band, all the better.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 8:24 pm

25. 25 On August 18th, 2008, SilverSeraphim said:

    I’ve been married twice. The first time, I was hustled off to the courthouse after my parents found out my boyfriend had moved in with me (I was 18 at the time, had just moved out, and very much had yet to find my own ground- or at least my damn backbone). All I really remember is that we were waiting a long time because some traffic cases were making things difficult for the judge, so she was cranky, and I was intensely uncomfortable. Needless to say, that marriage did not last long.

    My marriage now started off so much better. For one thing, my folks were across the country, so there wasn’t much they could do about my living-in-sin situation. I found a JoP who made housecalls, so we had the ceremony at the house. My m-i-l made my dress and veil. She and my f-i-l, and my daughter, were the only witnesses. It was quick, it was simple, it was quiet. No one was stressed, especially my daughter (who was only a few months at the time). I did write some vows to be included, but it was pretty much standard fare. One thing, with my veil, when I had been researching different styles, I ran across a bit of folklore on raising it. Basically, if the groom raises the veil, it establishes his dominance and his place as the head. If, on the other hand, SHE raises her veil, it signifies that she considers herself equal to her husband and co-head in the household. I raised my veil myself, thank you.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 8:42 pm

26. 26 On August 18th, 2008, Fatadelic said:

    In NSW in Australia, there is apparently a legal requirement for the celebrant to announce that ‘marriage is between a man and a woman’, which offends me greatly. I’ve made the decision that until marriage is extended to ALL people, I won’t marry. If commitment and partnership without vows is ‘good enough’ for same sex couples, then its surely good enough for my partner of 14 years and me.

    Aside from that, I don’t really buy into the whole wedding package. You know - the whole walk down the ailse, dressed in a white princess dress, to a lifetime of wedded bliss with your One True Love(tm) deal. A wedding ceremony doesn’t guarantee your happiness or the longevity of the relationship. It doesn’t mean you and hubby won’t split up after a year. It doesn’t make your relationship more real or even, necessarily, more committed.

    Personally, I have problems with marriage - possibly because of the wonderfully brutal example set by my biological father in my early years, but also because some of the wedding traditions are troubling for me as they are for you. The wedding ceremony and the traditions surrounding it belong to a time when women were property whose duty was to stay chaste and produce numerous children. Although we no longer expect women’s lives and ambitions to be curtailed by marriage, I still feel that acting out these traditions in the wedding ritual perpetuates those outdated concepts on a subconscious societal level. No matter how you spin it, giving away the bride is a remnant of legal custody passing from father to husband and is still a symbolic representation of the same transfer of power.

    That doesn’t mean that I don’t understand people’s reasons for getting married. It’s a beautiful gesture of publicly declaring your love for another person, and your intention to live with that person and love them for as long as you live. It’s also legal recognition of your relationship.

    I understand that. I respect that. I want heterosexual and homosexual couples to both have the right to marry.

    (Wow, that was a bit of a rant. Sorry about that.)

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 9:16 pm

27. 27 On August 18th, 2008, Karen said:

    Very timely, as I’m in the midst of wedding planning, myself! I’m enjoying reading everyone’s thoughts and am getting some ideas!

    Our wedding will almost certainly be the biggest chance we have to stage a great, grand event, so we want to do it in really great, grand style. Rites of passage are extremely important, at least to me. This will be the most significant decision and change of our lives, and should be marked accordingly. (Having kids would also rank up there, of course, but medical issues would make that difficult and our personal preferences are against, so we’ll probably stay childless.)

    Furthermore, I love the idea of using ancient traditions in this ritual with ancient roots. The traditions have been shaped by the times they were used in, but aren’t necessarily any less valuable for that. We’ll update them to take out the stuff that no longer applies and keep the parts that still accurately reflect what we want our marriage and life together to be.

    So:

    1. My father is no longer with us but my mother will “give me away” instead. I see this not as a transfer of possession, but as the center of my family shifting from my parents and siblings to my husband. My mother will be demonstrating that she and my siblings approve of and support me in this change.

    2. I don’t like the usual wedding reading from the Book of Ruth because her “whither thou goest so shall I go” bit is actually being said to her mother-in-law after her husband’s untimely demise, which isn’t very marital in my opinion. But there again, in the “taking her husband’s people as her people, his God as her God” bit, I see readings from ancient times as unavoidably reflecting the times they were written in. That is what marriages meant back then. They don’t generally now, but if couples now still see what matters to them in those readings (love, commitment, devotion, self-sacrifice) and are able to overlook the bits that don’t matter to them, then they’re still free to use those readings. Just because they don’t make a disclaimer doesn’t mean they plan to adhere rigidly to every word.

    3. This is a bit of a beef for me too…there will be no obeying in our vows. We will make the exact same vows to each other, as per the usual Catholic rite. But there will be no promises to “obey”. There will also be no head of household, because we’ll be a two-headed creature that would just complicate vows unnecessarily.

    4. I’m inclined to go with “Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith”. I am taking my husband’s name, in part because I know he’d take my name if that’s how I really wanted it, and in part because it’s just *easier* in our culture where everyone knows what it means. I suppose there’s a bit of the little girl in me daydreaming of becoming Mrs. somebody in here, too. Is it unfeminist if it’s my own free choice made without any restrictions on my other options? Well…that and HIS last name people will be able to spell!

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 9:19 pm

28. 28 On August 18th, 2008, DulcetDiscord said:

    I was raised Lutheran and still consider myself to be such, although there are things I disagree on. Mainly Paul’s views on women. I think that there’s no way to actually KNOW that Paul’s words on wisdom are really directly from God. Maybe it’s because I don’t agree with it, but whatever. My big beef is about the woman’s place in the church, because as a child I wanted to be a pastor and then I found out that I couldn’t be one because one of the books of the bible says that it’s not a woman’s responsibility to preach. I could just switch to a church that allows that kind of thing, but then I don’t agree with something more important, so I gave up on that. But it’s a big sticking point with me and always proves to be a problem when someone brings it up.

    However, I do adhere to the idea of abstinence before marriage, because I think marriage should be more than a formality; because I believe you can’t have sex with someone and NOT become attached to them in some way (no, I don’t know first hand, but I’ve seen enough girls stay in crappy relationships because they slept with the guy and they have this crazy idea that that was somehow significant enough to adhere them to each other, but all it did was give him what he wanted and leave her without; so baby, you want in these pants, you get that legal document saying we belong to each other and no one else); and because it’s the best way to prevent pregnancy and the spread of STDs.

    I’m not sure yet if I’ll ever get married, (losing hope on “mr. Right”) but if I do, I fully intend to have BOTH the “traditional” vows (where we say the same thing) and personalized self-written vows that actually refer to us specifically as people. Also, my Mother will present me, it will probably not be in a church, and no one other than close friends and family will be invited.

    If I don’t get married, I fully intend to change my name to my mother’s maiden name. There are others to carry on my father’s name, but none to carry on my mother’s.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 9:24 pm

29. 29 On August 18th, 2008, Zoe said:

    Our ceremony was 7 minutes, start to finish. Vows were “I (name) promise to love (name) as my husband/wife and partner in life and to take him/her just as she/he is.” Or something like that. We were introduced as “First Name and First Name, the newlyweds.”
    Nobody gave away anybody. Seemed silly to do, we had been common-law for about 6 months before the shindig.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 9:26 pm

30. 30 On August 18th, 2008, Amanda said:

    Oh boy, now I’m getting all revved up!

    I’m a wedding officiant in Canada (actually, about an hour north of Mackinac), and I have the privilege of marrying a pretty broad assortment of couples, from very young people to those well past retirement, as well as same-sex couples. In a given summer — I marry people year-round, but summer is much more concentrated — I’m busy most weekends. I’ve just about seen it all, at this point!

    Two weddings, both from this summer, stand out as my favourites. At one, both brides were walked down the aisles by their fathers, and met at the front. There was no giving away, just two women celebrating with their families. It was perfect. At my other favourite so far, it was a second marriage for both, and they were very committed to avoiding the wrong symbolism: there was no giving away, again, and they chose to walk down to the ceremony site together, hand in hand. Their reading was from Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s “A Gift from the Sea”. The thing the two weddings had in common was that there was no sense of loss, only abundant love and joining families.

    I don’t usually even think about religious ceremonies. I just sort of assume that if a couple wanted a religious wedding (other than a handfasting, which is my unique-to-the-area specialty), they’d go with…well, anybody else. There are only a handful of us working outside of churches in the area (three, maybe?) and I’m the only woman, the only bilingual, and the most secular-compatible. You can’t get married by a JP or a judge here unless you know somebody personally. So I make myself available to give people *their* wedding — exactly as they want it. I take a lot of pride in that.

    If a couple came to me and wanted substantially non-equitable vows or strongly patriarchal readings, I’d probably turn them away. Even asking “who presents this woman to be married to this man” — even, or especially, when the bride asks for it — leaves a bad taste in my mouth, unless it’s the very rare case where the groom’s family speaks for him as well. It’s rare, but it happens.

    Sorry if this was rambly. I could talk about weddings all day and half the night.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 11:14 pm

31. 31 On August 18th, 2008, Alyce said:

    I just wanted to underscore what others before me have said. That the wedding ceremony may not accurately reflect the beliefs of the couple who were married. That sometimes the marriage itself is what matters, and not whether or not you had to promise to “honor and obey” just to get the family to shut up about what a wedding should be like.

    Now that said, I did not have most of that at my wedding. My dad did walk me down the grass aisle to the front, but there was no giving away. I would have preferred to walk myself, or to have both my (divorced) parents walk me, but Dad was footing 80% of the bill, so Dad it was. JB and I paid for the invitations, in part, because my Dad objected to having my mom listed. She wasn’t paying for it, after all. I offered to have a NASCAR-style wedding dress with his business logo on it, if he wanted. That shut him up once and for all.

    We wrote our own vows, we both had two friends (a man and a woman each) stand up for us, had relatives read hippie poems and blessings, and cried and laughed a lot.

    I wish we had taken the 20G and gone on vacation, but no one would have forgiven us.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 11:34 pm

32. 32 On August 18th, 2008, Twistie said:

    Our wedding was great. No mention of ‘obey’, matching vows, perhaps a ten minute ceremony followed by a really fun picnic reception with live music and more food than 100 or so people could possibly eat in one afternoon, complete with options for both carnivores and vegetarians.

    I did have my father walk me down the aisle after a great deal of soul-searching. I hated the property/chattel aspect, but equally hated the idea of simply removing the only part of the ceremony that expresses familial approval. In the end, I found the answer in a Dear Abbey column, of all places. A woman wrote in to explain how she dealt with the dilemma. What she finally had her father say in response to ‘who gives this woman?’ was ‘with the support of her family, she happily gives herself.’ That struck me as the perfect solution for my situation. My father mumbled it, but he said what I asked him to say.

    As a pair of atheists, we didn’t have a religious ceremony, per se. No Bible readings, no religious figure performing the ceremony (though, since the county clerk we employed had the surname ‘Odin’ I like to say that our marriage is clearly blessed, since it was performed by the head of the ancient Norse pantheon), an entirely secular reading from Wendell Berry discussing marriage as choosing to walk a path together rather than a destination in itself, a Beatles song (Here, There, and Everywhere because it’s one of Mr. Twistie’s favorites) for him and a bagpiper for me…just a relaxed and pretty ceremony followed by a hell of a party.

    Fifteen years later, we still get compliments on that wedding, and we didn’t go broke putting it together.

    Now I write on weddings and wedding planning (http://manolobrides.com, for those who are interested…since I notice a lot of brides-to-be in this thread), and I have to agree 1000% with April D: the wedding should be about what works for the couple getting married. If they are happy with the level of tradition, pomp and circumstance, then it’s usually a good wedding. If they’re having a wedding they aren’t comfortable with, then it’s probably not going to be a good time for anyone.

    Oh, and when I girded up my loins to inform Mr. Twistie that I planned to keep my own name, he just blinked in confusion and said ‘I never thought you would do anything else.’ My father never got the hang of the fact that I kept the name I’d had all my life, but my husband understands what it means to me. That’s the important part.

    Religeous or secular, formal or casual, expensive or shoestring budget, I’ve seen wonderful weddings done every possible way…and a couple of seriously awful ones. The thing that made the biggest difference was how much of the bride and groom I saw in each day. If you’re going to share your wedding day with your friends and families, be sure to include your tastes, your beliefs, and your personalities in the day.

    But for my part I definitely couldn’t see myself including anything about anyone obeying anybody.

    posted on August 18th, 2008 at 11:34 pm

33. 33 On August 19th, 2008, Linda said:

    “I understand why many women take their husband’s last name,”

    I don’t. I know *of* two reasons, that the husband is regarded as head of the household, and that it’s cultural convention. But I don’t understand either. I took my husband’s name because I’d rather have his name than my father’s or my mother’s father. I will change my name again, though, to something that does not reflect patriarchal mores, as soon as I decide what I want, and I hope my daughters do so with me. Perhaps we’ll decide together. Maybe my husband will as well.

    Our wedding was in a garden, surrounded by friends and family. We simply exchanged words of love and devotion to each other and thanked our friends and family for witnessing our public declaration of union. And then we celebrated.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 12:45 am

34. 34 On August 19th, 2008, lilacsigil said:

    I would have serious misgivings about joining a family that could just ignore this kind of patriarchal tradition, or would expect the bride to go along with it. I’m a lesbian and unable to marry my partner in Australia, but my brother had a lovely wedding - he (Christian-raised atheist, like both his siblings) and his wife (raised atheist in Communist China) had already secretly got married to avoid immigration hassles, but decided to have a formal wedding to celebrate with friends and families. They wrote their own vows - about love, and the surprise of finding each other from so far away, while both studying in Japan - dressed Western style (suit and white dress) for the vows in a park, and Chinese style for the party at a relative’s house. It was the loveliest wedding I’ve ever attended and they have now been married for 8 years, in a modern and feminist marriage, and have two sons.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 5:55 am

35. 35 On August 19th, 2008, pennylane said:

    The book of Ruth thing crack me up–not only because Ruth says this to her MIL AFTER the death of Ruth’s husband but also because they return to the MIL’s people where Ruth seduces a farmer in order to reclaim her (dead) husband’s property. It really illustrates how different our ideas about marriage really are. The whole couple in love choosing their own lifemate is a really recent thing.

    I’ve been quite surprised by how traditional many of my friends’ weddings have been. I think usually it has been to placate parents or just because that’s how it’s done. In my brother’s first wedding they both had both parents walk them down the aisle which seems to make a lot of sense to me, though even that was more traditional than my parents who just went to the justice of the peace. I can’t say a wedding of any sort appeals to me. When I was growing up my mom used to say she’d pay me to elope, I guess that always de-romanticized weddings for me.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 8:19 am

36. 36 On August 19th, 2008, Rebecca said:

    We got married in a civil ceremony just over three years ago. The vows we spoke were exactly the same - to love and commit and all that, but none of that ‘obey’ stuff. Ours is an equal marriage and he is not head of our household - we both are.

    I would refuse to answer to being called Mrs HisName LastName. I do have a first name of my own and it’s one I quite like. I did take his surname. I’ve written about this before but basically it was MY choice. He didn’t care either way. I love his surname - it’s Irish and unusual. I will answer to Mrs or Ms. But it was MY choice and that’s the important thing.

    A good friend of mine got married last October and was ’strongly encouraged’ by her new husband to take his name, even though a) she’s one of the last remaining of her maiden name and b) her new name is really ridiculous. She sounds like a children’s book character - think Roger Redhat….

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 9:26 am

37. 37 On August 19th, 2008, Rachel said:

    Stephanie said: I like my last name. (The kids may have his name. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

    Yeah, I kept my name also partly because I don’t believe in the practice of taking the man’s name and partly because I like my name more than I like his. My mom chose my name in part because of its alliterative sound with my last name. And even my brother, the big ole’ conservative, had to admit it sounded more “reporter-like” than my husband’s last name. Even thinking about becoming Rachel Doe kind of freaks me out… it’s like an entire loss of identity for me. We don’t plan on having kids, but if we ever mess up and do, I would be like the Spanish and give them both of our names and they can choose to drop one when they turn 18.

    Tori said: I don’t know whether or not I’ll have my dad walk me down the aisle — on the one hand I do like the tradition of it all, but at the same time my dad and I are not particularly close and I too have thought of it like “property.”

    I think the current trend is to “present” the bride and while this isn’t for me either, it does sound a lot less paternalistic than to “give away” the bride. Perhaps you could do something like this.

    Deniselle said: I’m sure he found it very admirable, but how can you call it brave of all things? Ugh.

    Ha! I wouldn’t call it brave, either. I am of the firm mind that you have to try before you buy.

    My husband and I didn’t want a big showy wedding and after hearing how the average couple spends $28k, we decided we’d rather invest that chunk of change into our home instead of one day. I think often times a wedding is more of a show for other people than about the couple or their commitment itself. That’s the primary reason why we “eloped” (technically we didn’t elope because we told our families and a few of them even attended). Before, when I was planning a hometown wedding, I had lined up a Buddhist, pagan, lesbian, Catholic lay minister to officiate at our wedding but there’s a curious lack of such credentialed officiants on Mackinac Island. So, we had to go with a Christian minister but he was great and worked with us to strike any mention of God from the ceremony and he promised to present us as Mr. and Ms. Brandon Doe and Rachel Richardson. We also wrote our own vows, which were more meaningful to us. If you’re getting married, find a minister who will work with you on the vows. They’re often not iron-clad documents and most ministers I think are willing to alter them to suit the couple.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 9:36 am

38. 38 On August 19th, 2008, Liza said:

    I don’t even have a boyfriend. But if I were to ever walk the plank of marriage, there are two ways I would consider. The first, go to city hall with our immediate families and have a judge do the honor, then have a party - which would be called a party, not a reception. The other is to go to Vegas and do something completely ridiculous and crazy, like be married by Elvis or an alien or something. Also followed by a party with whomever from our lives was willing to fly to Vegas and join us.

    And I most likely wouldn’t change my name. I would consider hyphenation, but only if he did too.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 9:40 am

39. 39 On August 19th, 2008, Liza said:

    Also, if you want to read something kind of disturbing, here’s some background on various wedding traditions:

    http://www.koco.com/wedding/2399764/detail.html

    Most creepy to me is carrying over the threshold - a woman wasn’t supposed to want to go in and have sex, so the husband was to drag or carry her in and force her. Awwww, how sweet, rape-based traditions. Romantic.

    And of course the very classic giving away - we all know this one, the daughter was property and the father had to hand her over to the husband, but not until after he had paid for her, of course.

    Some eeeeeeky stuff in there.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 9:47 am

40. 40 On August 19th, 2008, Rio Iriri said:

    My husband and I were married in a secular ceremony officiated by my best friend. Best friend and I wrote the ceremony together, with him doing most of the work because he’s creative. We wrote our own vows, and basically swore to love each other and take care of one another for our entire lives. We came together as EQUALS, and promised to remain that way.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 10:40 am

41. 41 On August 19th, 2008, Moderndayhermit said:

    The first time I was married it was a Hindu ceremony. It was a beautiful ceremony that notes the equality of the man and woman who are now one and partners in life.

    My second marriage was at the county courthouse.

    While I am Atheist I have a deep respect for Hinduism and its customs, teachings and lifestyle.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 11:42 am

42. 42 On August 19th, 2008, Fat Angie said:

    I was recently engaged (and then we broke up, but that’s another story), so I had to think about all this.

    I am Byzantine Catholic (with Goddess-worshiping overtones), and our fathers don’t walk us down the aisle. The bride is escorted by the priest. (My father isn’t in the picture, so it was never an issue to begin with).

    As for the reading from Ruth, Ruth is saying those things to her mother-in-law, not her husband. The majority of the Book of Ruth is about the love between Ruth and Naomi.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 11:43 am

43. 43 On August 19th, 2008, Jessica said:

    At my wedding, I had both my mom and dad bring me down, and my husband’s parents brought him down the aisle as well. I think we had him go after the ring bearer (our nephew), and I went after my attendants. We ended up getting married in a hotel with our own ceremony because we could not make a Catholic-Jewish ceremony work the way we wanted to. There was a bit of God in the service, but not blatantly so because we’re not really observant in either Catholic or Jewish faith (and now attend a UU church), but wanted to honour both family traditions. Both my mom and my MIL thought it was the nicest wedding they had ever been to.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 12:32 pm

44. 44 On August 19th, 2008, Marie said:

    The main reason I would want to avoid throwing a wedding with all the trimmings and tradition would be that there might be a chance haters like some of you would arrive with your high and mighty feminism and smirk and pass judgment throughout the whole thing AND THEN procede to the reception and probably hate on that too for not being vegan or something absurd like that.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 1:33 pm

45. 45 On August 19th, 2008, katie said:

    Well, I was raised Catholic, so have been to MANY weddings similar to the one you describe! Although your friends’ ceremony sounds more conservative than even what I am used to seeing. The vows are usually the same, or at least indicate equality within the marriage. Recently I have not seen the “Who gives this woman…” question asked. It’s usually the bride kisses whoever walked her down the aisle and takes the hand of the groom. The presentation at the end as “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” seems antiquated to me as well, even in the context of a Christian ceremony. I’ve heard it without the man’s first name (so just Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which, if she is taking his name, I think is fine), and I’ve also heard things along the lines of “John and Mary Smith”, “John Smith and Mary Jones, as husband and wife”, etc.

    The part about the readings, well, those are the choice of the couple. Most churches allow a lot of leeway, or at least give a dozen options or so. I think it says more about the couple than anything.

    Mind you, I’m an athiest and will by no means be having a church wedding - I just wanted to make sure that you knew that not all Christian weddings are as conservative/old-fashioned as that one was!

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 1:41 pm

46. 46 On August 19th, 2008, Amanda said:

    “there’s a curious lack of such credentialed officiants on Mackinac Island”

    …oh reeeeeeeeally? Perhaps I should look into the legalities. I’ve travelled further to marry people in-province.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 2:04 pm

47. 47 On August 19th, 2008, Emerald said:

    Ohhhhh. Weddings.

    I did do the whole giving-away and ‘obey’ thing first time round. Complicated - I wanted a pagan handfasting, my MIL-to-be would countenance her son getting married with nothing less than a full Catholic nuptial mass (preferably to someone who wasn’t me, but that was another story). Final ‘compromise’ involved the very traditional C of E church appended to my school, with a vicar who knew and cared nothing of feminism and didn’t use anything other than the 17th century version. My paganism had to stay firmly in the broom closet from then on, and Mr. Obedience lasted all of six years.

    Forward to husband #2, who is pagan himself. We wanted a handfasting with the family present, but my mother went ballistic at the very idea. (She’s not religious at all, but Christianity is simply ‘the done thing’ to her, and paganism is the province of ‘hippies and druggies’.) Added complication was that paganism is not legally recognized in the UK (recognized religions for this purpose have to be in a building, with a roof, and believe in an actual God, the registry department told me - Goddesses apparently don’t count). To my mother, if it’s not a legal ceremony, it’s not ‘real’. Add to this the fact that what was good enough for her and my dad (15 minutes at the registrar and a pub dinner and definitely NO fancy frock) should be good enough for me - or else. She was extremely miffed when we invited nobody to the legal bit - which for us, of course, was purely a legal formality.

    We held our handfasting privately with friends, and organized a blessing - with elements from various traditions - later with a friendly Unitarian minister, to which we did invite family. Mother reluctantly turned up, but half of my relatives didn’t -I still suspect she’d primed them not to bother. One of hubby’s uncles got up and said it was the most personal and memorable wedding he’d ever been to. The look on my mother’s face was priceless.

    Incidentally, no giving away that time; we both came to this marriage as our own people, my dad had passed away by then anyway, and anything that gave my mother the idea that she ever ‘owned’ me was a very bad idea. And, obedience? Heck no. We wrote our own vows; it makes you think about what’s important to you both.

    This marriage has already lasted longer than the first. Still sometimes think it’d have been easier to just run away and have a judge marry us halfway up a mountain or something, but…we did what we did.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 2:06 pm

48. 48 On August 19th, 2008, Fietser said:

    Here is some advice if you are a feminist and also Christian and really do want both religion and feminism to make an appearance in your wedding: go to the phone book and call any of these local churches: United Church of Christ (UCC), Episcopal, and Quaker. You’ve got about an 80% chance that the pastor is a hardcore feminist. Most of these churches also perform same-sex marriages, even in states where it is illegal.

    Best advice to all of you: Avoid bridal shops like the plague. Unless you want to see the salesgirl’s jaw drop open and hang mid-air for several seconds, as happened to me when I told her I was looking for a red wedding dress, and that no, $5000 was not the budget for dress, it was the budget for the whole wedding.

    Seriously, I had a lot more trouble from anti-woman wedding industrial professionals than I did from my church or religious family members.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 2:22 pm

49. 49 On August 19th, 2008, megan said:

    the traditional christian marriage ceremony bothered my husband and i for a number of reasons - including our feminist leanings and our atheism. we had an outdoor wedding with lots of people, but instead of the biblical readings we had various family members read poems, we exchanged vows that said the same thing (no difference between his and mine), and everyone was thrilled with it. the only problem was at the end - i hate when they say “you may now kiss your bride,” so instead our officiant said “you may now kiss… each other,” which sounded stupid.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 3:20 pm

50. 50 On August 19th, 2008, Jennifer said:

    Well, my husband and I are celebrating our two year anniversary this Sept. 10th and I loved our wedding. We had a very short ceremony in a Hotel Ballroom and had the Reception in an adjoining Ballroom with dancing, karaoke, and Brunch (including Mimosas!). My Dad did walk me down the aisle, but only because he asked if he could and he’s not really an affectionate man and he seemed to mean alot to him. He didn’t give me away, he just shook my husband’s hand and then sat down next to my Mom. I think took my husband’s hand and didn’t let go until the pictures were being taken. We had a Judge marry us (my husband is Jewish and I was baptized Lutheran, but consider myself general Protestant) and we had no Religious anything.

    We didn’t have traditional music either. My husband and our attendants (one on each side) walked in to The Beatle’s “Something” and I walked in to Billy Joel’s “She’s Got a Way” Then we walked out to Queen’s “Your My Best Friend” — it was perfect.

    I didn’t take my husband’s last name so when they introduced us we had them say, Here’s My Whole name and His Whole Name, Husband and Wife! I loved that actually - made me feel like a celebrity.

    I did wear a big white puffy dress, but only because I fell in love with one and it was really cheap….and made me feel so pretty!

    Our ceremony was probably 15 minutes total, then we spent less than 45 mintues on pictures and then we partied. Good food (Omelet station anyone?) and good dancing and karaoke — my husband and I are both in theatre and I’m a singer so our friends are pretty much all big hams….we had a blast. We also only had about 50 people.

    Our wedding was so much fun, I enjoyed every minute of it, wasn’t worried about anything “Going Wrong” and everyone seemed to have a great time. I remember just about all of it — I do think you go into a HIGH and sometimes things get blurry — but I love looking at our wedding album and reliving those moments of wedded bliss.

    Oh - and we choreographed our first dance - it was a Swing number to Carmen McRae’s “Someone Exactly Like You” because my husband and I love to Swing Dance and had been taking lessons for years. We have since stopped lessons only because I”m working on my one-woman show and he’s in Grad school - we just don’t have the time. But we still go dancing a few times a year.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 3:25 pm

51. 51 On August 19th, 2008, megan said:

    oh, also we were legally married over a year before our wedding, by my best friend (an internet minister) while watching zoolander. and i did not change my name, although if we have kids i plan on giving them both and they can change if they want (though his is *way* cooler than my boring old “miller”). and my dad did walk me down the aisle, but only after his mom walked him down.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 3:29 pm

52. 52 On August 19th, 2008, apophenia said:

    My husband and I are atheist-Buddhists (and of course feminists). For our wedding, we employed a Unitarian minister who encouraged us to write our whole ceremony (not just the vows) ourselves as a way of defining our marriage ideals. It was a great experience! We did a lot of reading and discussion, and ended up using a Secular Humanist ceremony format as a basis, which we completely personalized. We had no trace of religion or proselytizing in our ceremony, since that didn’t reflect us–and because we hate going to weddings that some preacher uses as an opportunity to make a “love Christ or burn!” speech that has nothing to do with marriage(and I’ve been too way too many of those). Instead, everything in our ceremony was about partnership, love, cooperation, empathy, sharing–all that basic being-a-good-human-being stuff.

    Afterward we had a reception with live jazz music, dancing, good food and wine, lots of laughs, and all the trimmings. Though we did spend a fair sum of money on the event, we were happy to do it. We just really wanted to throw a big party to celebrate our commitment to each other–and to the idea of the possibility of love in the world–with all of our family and friends. So, we did it the way we wanted to, and it was just right for us and our sensibilities.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 4:48 pm

53. 53 On August 19th, 2008, apophenia said:

    Er, “to way too many”… stinky little sticky O key…

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

54. 54 On August 19th, 2008, i-geek said:

    I’m Catholic and so our wedding was held in my parish church. In church doctrine, the husband and wife give themselves to each other as the sacrament, so there is no giving away of the bride by the father. The bride is not her father’s property to give. My dad did escort me down the aisle because I asked him to, but then he sat down with Mom and we got right on with the service. I had the option of walking down by myself, with both parents, or even with my husband, so the father-daughter thing was not mandated or even expected. As my husband is not Catholic, one of our readings was from Ephesians, the one about “one Lord, one faith, one baptism”, stressing unity. Our priest gave a brief homily in which he spoke about the readings in the context of marriage and wished us happiness. Our vows to each other were identical (and were standard, not ones that we wrote), and neither of us pledged to obey the other (”obey” is not in the Catholic wedding vows). No full Mass as half the wedding party and 3/4 of the guests were not Catholic. The whole service was meant to be inclusive and celebratory and I think it succeeded. The end was a blur so I don’t remember how we were introduced, but the pastor is fairly liberal and knew me well, so it was probably “Mr. (his name) and Mrs. (my name) Last Name”, as I did take my husband’s last name- my choice. I’ve never understood the concept of introducing a woman as “Mrs. [husband's name]” To me, that does scream “property!”

    Our wedding was at 11 am on a Saturday, so we had a quiet luncheon reception with a string quartet (friends of our parish music director). We’re not dancers and we didn’t want the massive expense of a huge evening reception with the big alcohol bill, the DJ, etc., that seem to be required in my big ethnic family. We did splurge on a terrific cake and it was totally worth it. Plus, since the wedding was early, my cousins could bring their children, and all kids were well-behaved because the whole thing was over before afternoon nap time.

    I can’t believe it was over 5 years ago.

    posted on August 19th, 2008 at 8:16 pm

55. 55 On August 20th, 2008, Arielle said:

    I too consider myself a feminist and have for a while now. I got married 4 months ago. I got married in a Christian church–not because I wanted to, but because my father was paying for most of the wedding and it was a respect thing for HIM. We made a lot of compromises. And I have to say that my day was just as I wanted it in spite of the church set-up and I liked it very much. When we met with the pastor who officiated, we read a passage together that spoke of a woman obeying her husband and I immediately expressed that it was not something I wanted to uphold as part of my marriage. My husband was very much as I was–and we got across that we have a mutual respect and love for each other and one of us is not above the other. I think on several occasions we “scared” the pastor with our views, haha, but it was our wedding and IS our marriage and if he had disapproved of what we were all about, we would have gotten married elsewhere.

    Our wedding in the church was also about 20 minutes long. No mass, no crazy sermonizing, and nothing that would take away from what the day meant to us. The reception was in a ballroom at a hotel and was fun and unpretentious. We loved it.

    As far as being “given away”–my father walked me down the aisle, then when we reached the pew my mother was in, I crooked my elbow out and she took my other arm. Both of my parents then presented me, kissed me on each cheek, and sat down.

    I thought long and hard about changing my name. Deliberated over it for months, in fact. Then I came to a conclusion: as long as I felt I wasn’t replacing my old name by taking my husband’s but was instead SHARING a name with him– the name we’d use as our family name–I was okay with it. The compromise: I’m a writer and my writing/creating/publishing name will forever be Arielle Lee Becker (my maiden name)–the name by which I am known. For all things otherwise, my name is Arielle Lee Bair now. I legally changed it and I felt fine with it. I was worried that I’d feel like I was giving up a part of myself, but it wasn’t the case, because I felt comfortable with the decision and am essentially using both my names.

    I guess it comes down to what the people involved want for their big day. Our wedding was smallish–nothing terribly fancy–and yet it was beautiful and sweet. To me, my wedding had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with spirituality, because Rick and I could take from it what we wanted. The sole reason I allowed my father to influence my decision to get married in a church is because prior to my wedding, my dad and I had worked through some serious issues between us. We were at odds, then both made efforts to be better, and were trying to grow to know each other better and really learn without being judgmental. I love my dad very much, but we have a history that we jsut recently really started to fix and I felt that getting married in a church (no big thing involved–just the location and a pastor really) was something I could do without feeling compromised. And I know he appreciated it very much.

    Wow, I’ve written a book! Good post–it caused me to think!

    Arielle

    posted on August 20th, 2008 at 9:33 am

56. 56 On August 20th, 2008, Maureen Robinson said:

    I am a JP in my state and am completely willing to perform any type of ceremony and have. (no black magic though)
    My other function is as a notary and here is where I have been shuddering over the name business.
    We are required to positivly identify a person who brings us documents to be notarized and some women have ID’s that do not match the names on their legal documents.
    So ladies, please for your own sake, whatever name you choose, make sure that you change it on all of your paperwork. This is especially important on deeds and mortgages.

    posted on August 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pm

57. 57 On August 20th, 2008, Jackie said:

    I feel that any wedding, is better than a shotgun wedding. And that not only means in the traditional sense of the father holding a gun to the couple forcing them to wed. It also refers to a father holding a gun at the husband’s head, reminding him of what will happen if anything happens to his daughter! It’s black humor, heh.

    posted on August 20th, 2008 at 1:59 pm

58. 58 On August 20th, 2008, Rachel2 said:

    I recently married. A month and a half ago, in fact. My dad walked me down the aisle, and I was proud to have him do it. I’d forgotten about the “giving away” part, but that’s not really an issue for me, nor is it an issue for him. I’m not his property to give away to be my husband’s property. Had I thought about it, I would have made it clear, but the leadup to the wedding was a gigantic haze.

    Our ceremony was very short, 10 minutes or so. Simple, eloquent, and no mention whatsoever of any diety. We are both atheists, and we are both into the idea of an “equal partnership.” So, it was “Love, honor, respect, and listen”. There was not a word uttered about obeying. My spirit is too wild to be broken like that. It is broken in many other ways, but I will NOT stand idly as a peaceable sex object to obey the patriarchs in my life. FUCK that. There is enough of me left to stand up for myself in that. I did change my name. Begrudgingly, but only because it meant so much to him to have his partner have the same name. He was vehement about it, and it does mean a lot to him emotionally to have his partner share his name. And I’m okay with that.

    posted on August 20th, 2008 at 2:56 pm

59. 59 On August 20th, 2008, maritzia said:

    As it happens, my husband and I finally did the legal wedding thing in July (we’ve been together for 6 years). At first, we thought a bit like “devil” in comment #3. That because we’d been together for so long that the wedding would be a bit of a let down. It’s funny, though, how excited we became as we planned and worked on it.

    Until a few years ago, I wanted something of a more traditional wedding, but as I read more about wedding traditions and where they come from, I developed a real distaste for the whole traditional wedding.

    So we started from scratch planning our wedding. We found an incredible pagan minister locally. She helped us plan what we wanted and then wrote the whole ceremony for us with our input and edits. We had a simple handfasting, a sharing of bread and beer (he’s of german descent and his mother’s family were brewers, so we thought it much more appropriate to have beer instead of wine), we wrote our own vows (each being very different from the others). It was a beautiful ceremony, filled with meaning for both of us, which is what we wanted. We wanted something that we were connected to, and that’s what we had.

    We didn’t have any kind of aisle to walk down. As it was a very small gathering, we did it outside at one of the local parks, and we simply asked everyone to gather around and we had the ceremony. Then we packed everything up and went to the reception.

    The only words of husband and wife were in the legal words required by the state (do you take this woman, do you take this man) sort of thing. We were introduced as husband and wife, not man and wife (a pet peeve for me), and by our first names only, as neither of us is changing our names. Of course, we’re older with no children, so no complications there where names are concerned.

    So, no, not everyone does the traditional thing. I’ve been to plenty of them over the years, and that just wasn’t what we wanted. I think everything has so much more meaning when you plan what is personally meaningful to you as opposed to what everyone else is doing.

    posted on August 20th, 2008 at 3:07 pm

60. 60 On August 21st, 2008, cubicalgirl said:

    Thanks for posting about this. As my boyfriend and I get closer to becoming engaged, I’ve been thinking about the traditions I want to include (or throw out) of our wedding. I don’t want my father to “give me away” (it’s debateable as to if he will even come to the wedding; he doesn’t approve of my interracial relationship) and I don’t want any sort of language about having to obey my husband. It’s a patnership, not a dictatorship! We have a really fantastic, female, progressive pastor in mind for the ceremony so I think whatever happens we’ll be happy with the way things turn out.

    posted on August 21st, 2008 at 4:07 pm

61. 61 On August 22nd, 2008, SilverSeraphim said:

    I’ve been reading through the comments, and I’ve got to admit, I’m a little perplexed by the vehemence shown by some against changing surnames. Now, maybe it’s just because I’m a bad feminist (I’m passingly familiar with that particular charge), but I think it’s more likely that because I’ve had no less than four name changes in my life, it’s just not that big a deal to me. But perhaps I’m in the wrong.

    posted on August 22nd, 2008 at 7:33 pm

62. 62 On August 23rd, 2008, Linda Bardes said:

    I want to give you a great tip. Whatever vows you read, quoted, etc. are sort like a blueprint for your marriage. Print out two copies and place one on each side of the bed. Then every night each of you read those vows to yourself. Once a month read them together. You are creating an opportunity for any meaningful conversation that needs to be discussed. But by reading the vows every night you are doing what all good sports players do, seeing the end before it actually has happened. Have a fabulous life. I have a blog that is more about keeping the dream alive than wedding vows. You might find something that would be enlightening, helpful, insightful, stimulations . . .Rev. Linda, The wedding vow coach http://www.weddingvowsandceremonies.com/blog

    posted on August 23rd, 2008 at 8:27 pm

63. 63 On August 24th, 2008, Andrea said:

    “I didn’t want a wedding, I wanted a marriage. That’s what I got and still have.”

    Best quote ever! That is exactly how I feel but never could find a way to properly express it. I’m now stealing this and using it when people question why my husband and I eloped. Alone.

    I feel the same way, Rachel, about weddings and everything that goes along with it. For example, the husband-to-be asking “permission” of the bride-to-be’s father. Ugh! She is an adult and can make up her own mind. She is not property to be discussed and bargined over. She does not need her daddy’s permission to do anything.

    This is also why I hate the idea of engagement rings. It’s also like branding, “Here I gave you this, now you belong to me! Everyone will know because you must wear this and love your new position as being mine.” If the couple both do something, like engagement watches for example, I have no issues with that. Because they both have something.

    But, yeah, I’m with you on this.

    posted on August 24th, 2008 at 9:09 am

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