This is what recovery looks like

18th July 2008

This is what recovery looks like

I couldn’t concentrate on my work for most of yesterday. The words blurred into lines of nonsensical gibberish, my attention span was that of a Chihuahua on speed. I tried to sort through my ever-deluged inbox, but that and the blip on my phone alerting me to five more voicemails only left me feeling overwhelmed and even more unmotivated. I then tried to write a few stories I’ve had back-burnered, but my creativity seemed as inert as screaming angrily under water.

I have ADD, which is to say, the above is not unusual for me. But since I started on medication for it last fall, my focus and attention problems have gotten much better. And I’ve always been able to hyperfocus on things that I enjoy, like my job and looking up every cake design Duff Goldman has ever made, much more than things that I do not enjoy, like paying taxes or writing 25-page papers on Whiggish interpretations of the Revolutionary War.

Later, it occurred to me: I had eaten nothing all day. I normally do not eat breakfast, but it was mid- to late afternoon and I hadn’t had lunch, either.

Basic law of physiology: A starving brain will not function properly. Intellectually, I know this; in fact, I parrot it often on this site. But while they’re two halves of one whole, reason and emotion can be two very different beasts. I consider myself stable in recovery, and yet I still couldn’t quell that disordered part of me that immediately whispered “You’ve gone this long without eating… why ruin it? Don’t give in; you can wait until dinner. Think of the weight you might lose!”

Ahh, the ever-familiar Bitch in My Head. She and I once had a close, intimate relationship, but although she lives rent-free in my head, I can’t quite evict her.

I can, however, ignore her.

This is what recovery looks like: You will never be free from the disorder and you might even relapse from time-to-time. It and you will reside uncomfortably in mutual antagonism, perhaps, for life. Eating disorders are ever so seductive and there will always be triggers luring you back into into eating disorder hell. The distinguishing mark of recovery, however, is that you have now have choices. I could choose the possibility of losing a fraction of a pound and be irritable, unfocused and unorganized for the rest of the day; or I could choose to nourish both my body and mind with a healthy lunch and then get back to my life and my work.

I ignored the high-pitched mosquito whine in my head and fixed myself some tomato soup and a cheese and lettuce sandwich. Pepperjack on rye never tasted better.

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This entry was posted on Friday, July 18th, 2008 at 11:19 am and is filed under Eating Disorders, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On July 18th, 2008, Jill

said:

Thank you so much for describing this experience. I have never been able to diet because I hate the mind muddle you’re describing and have always choosen a functioning brain over a hope of looking prettier. But in the back of my head I’ve wondered if there is just something wrong with me, that I couldn’t function if I didn’t eat, and maybe I just really was undisciplined…so hearing other people’s experiences that are like mine is very helpful.

(and yes, I know there are people who can function much longer than I can without eating, and it would be nice if I could do that too. But I can’t!)

posted on July 18th, 2008 at 12:43 pm

2 On July 18th, 2008, Laurie J

In a completely frivolous response, pepperjack cheese on toast and tomato soup is one of my all time favorite meals. Although I put it on this lovely whole grain bread I get from a bakery up the street, not rye.

I just consider all food ‘brain food’ now. Phrasing it like that makes it very easy to shut up the voices.

posted on July 18th, 2008 at 3:30 pm

3 On July 18th, 2008, Tari

You kick ass. That is all. :o)

posted on July 18th, 2008 at 3:33 pm

4 On July 19th, 2008, Kristin Gerstley

So true - even though I’m recovered from binge eating disorder, I find these weight thoughts creeping in my head sometimes. Just the other day I was sick and jokingly I told my husband “Well maybe I’ll lose some weight”.

Glad you ended up not listening to the voice and grabbing some lunch!

posted on July 19th, 2008 at 1:21 pm

5 On July 20th, 2008, vicky smith

Recovery is worth it! I’m learning to choose to ignore that voice, some days it works and others it doesn’t but slowly I feel I’m making progress.

Vx

posted on July 20th, 2008 at 6:18 am

6 On July 20th, 2008, Summer

Re: “This is what recovery looks like.” I know this is sort of off topic but I just watched a youtube video of you on a talk show(I can’t remember what the name of the show was) and I was so impressed. You seemed confident and smart. I was struck by the host asking you if people assume you are unhealthy because you look fat and I thought who would think this woman looks unhealthy? You looked glowing and healthy. This is what recovery looks like. Thanks for speaking up for us who are truly trying to be healthy, even though there are so many voices telling us to mistreat ourselves.

posted on July 20th, 2008 at 9:28 am

7 On July 20th, 2008, Sierra

The voices are always there, but they do become easier to ignore over time.

I’ve been in recovery for two and a half years, and it feels really good. I’m so glad you were able to do what you needed to do for yourself.

This is an awesome, and I plan on coming back to visit soon!

posted on July 20th, 2008 at 9:05 pm

8 On July 21st, 2008, tokaiangel

Nobody ever told me that the voice wouldn’t ever really go away, so for the last year or so every time it piped up I figured that meant I was failing at getting better. Often I would often give in to it because I didn’t know I could fight it, and that this was part of the recovery process. I wish somebody had explained it to me.

Anyway, it’s getting there now - although most days I have to LEAP out of bed and have breakfast before the Evil Bitch wakes up and starts the identical mantra of “you’ve gone this long…why not the whole day…? Just to see if you still can?”

Thanks for this post, it has made me feel a lot less lonely!

TA x

posted on July 21st, 2008 at 9:31 am

9 On July 21st, 2008, fifi

Thank you!!! Thank you!!! I read you all the time but have never written. That voice….it never goes away. I can’t tell you how relieved that I am to hear that I am not the only one who hears it. /Fifi

posted on July 21st, 2008 at 9:55 am

10 On July 21st, 2008, Ria

“Eating disorders are ever so seductive..”

So, so true. I once felt that what I was doing to myself was a sign of perseverance, of staying power. Now, I look back on that and shudder, not only at the effects it had but the impairement of my ability to judge..

..but it doesn’t stop the old thoughts from slipping in when things get rough.

(Long-time lurker, first time poster, popping up to also say that this place is an absolute breath of fresh air. Thank you.)

posted on July 21st, 2008 at 11:25 am

11 On July 21st, 2008, Jen

Thank you for this.

posted on July 21st, 2008 at 2:30 pm

12 On July 22nd, 2008, Loobie

My chihuahua once ate two tea bags and we did not get to sleep that night. On speed! It would be difficult not only for you to concentrate but everyone on your block couldn’t concentrate! Glad you ate something!
Take care of yourself… I like to read your blog!

posted on July 22nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm

13 On August 12th, 2008, Mara C