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1. 1 On July 16th, 2008, Yorke said:

   I get this feeling horribly if I’m bloaty/my clothes are tight or I feel lazy from not working out. Stomach maladies or any kind usually make me feel gross, too.

   I generally get on board with the exercise like suggested and I clean my house/wash my car/clean out a file cabinet/etc. in order to feel better and productive about something, anything.

   I do have to say that her “Find all the studies that show men prefer…” really aggravates me. I had a therapist say essentially the same thing to me once and I flipped out. Certainly these people realize one doesn’t have an eating disorder or an image problem because of men. Honestly. Acckkk. A man’s preference has nothing to do with anything and that’s ridiculous.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 10:35 am

2. 2 On July 16th, 2008, Jess said:

   “Go to the gym. Not just to work out for your health, but also to spend some time in the locker room. Here you will see what real bodies look like. This is the only “fair” place for you to compare your body to others.”

   This made me kind of prickly. One thing that always makes me uncomfortable around other women is the feeling of being evaluated, and this kind of concretes that for me. The notion of constantly comparing our bodies to one another I feel sets us back.

   On my ugly days (I call them ‘blob’ days, hehe), I usually just suck it up and go about my day. Get ready as usual, makeup and whatnot. Usually there is something that will get me busy enough to forget all about it.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 10:42 am

3. 3 On July 16th, 2008, KarenElhyam said:

   Ugh, I’m sorry, but that is some horribly sexist dribble. The way to combat a “fat day” should not be by reinforcing beauty myths and stereotypes. Women should not only be allowed to feel good (or feel they deserve happiness) when they feel pretty. Feeling pretty should be incidental to happiness.

   “Find all the studies that show men prefer normal weighted women to thin women. Read them often.”

   Oh, right, also, don’t forget that that’s the TRUE root of happiness. How men perceive you. How fuckable you are.

   Ugh, this is seriously depressing. The way to improve body image should not be through seeing yourself as a sex object/better than other women. Try again, Ms. Rubaum-Keller, because this is seriously missing the mark.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 10:53 am

4. 4 On July 16th, 2008, Kim said:

   THIS from an eating disorder specialist? “Compare your body” (we do that all day) “Sophia Loren is gorgeous” (and we’ll never be that gorgeous) “Men like you better when you’re normal weight” (and I’m supposed to live my life for a man?) “Compare yourself to a painting and think it’s beautiful if you’re like that and think ‘yay I’m thin’ if you’re not” (Um…SO much wrong with that).

   Get real!

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 11:15 am

5. 5 On July 16th, 2008, nuckingfutz said:

   Like Yorke said above, my “feeling fat” days are usually coincided with some sort of tummy trouble, which in turn makes me feel like I’ve gained 30 lbs. overnight.

   Lately, I take a good long look at myself in a mirror or window (since our front window got smashed out back in May, and is now boarded up, it kind of acts like a mirror). And I can SEE that, while I might “feel” fat, I certainly don’t look it. I might not look the greatest, but I don’t look nearly as bad as I feel.

   And while I realize this might be feeding into sexist stereotypes, I find that asking my husband what he thinks helps. I’ll ask him honestly, “do I look like I’ve gained weight?” He’ll be honest without being unkind, and 99.99999% of the time, it’s all in my head. Hearing someone else validate for me that it’s just a momentary lapse in thinking/side effect of feeling unwell… well, it helps.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 12:24 pm

6. 6 On July 16th, 2008, CJ_in_VA said:

   Those are the days when nothing is going right - can’t find clothes I like or that fit well, I burned the kid’s breakfast, my hair is a disaster, I’m running late - and it must be because I’m fat. I’m getting better at this, btw. But there it is in all its glory. I’m having a sucky day and if I were thin, I would be having a GLORIOUS day and I’d have wonderful clothes that were never wrinkly, a kid who cooked her own breakfast and I wouldn’t ever hit the snooze bar.

   Okay, you can stop laughing now.

   Seriously, the first thing I do is hit the fatosphere and some feminist blogs. I don’t have to think about Sophia Loren - I prefer to think of all of those women who are out there and living large, making it possible for me every day to find the strength to accept myself as a fat powerful woman in this crazy world. I find it does wonders.

   If I do go to the gym, it’s to hop in the pool and enjoy the way my body feels as it moves through the water. I feel graceful, strong and beautiful there. It always improves my mood.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 12:36 pm

7. 7 On July 16th, 2008, pennylane said:

   While working out does change my entire perception of my body I’m sort of bothered by the looking at other women thing (not only because I don’t like having my body scrutinized–let alone to think about someone using it to boost their self-esteem!). I’m a bit skeptical that that would be useful for someone with an ED. I was completely able to look at other peoples’ bodies without being judgmental and admire them and it did squat for the way I looked at my own.

   All of her advice does seem to be focused on the idea that thinness is all about appearance and I’m not totally sure that’s true. My fat days are sometimes when I’ve not exercised or have eaten more than I thought I should but it is more often triggered by stress or depression. Staying busy helps me.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pm

8. 8 On July 16th, 2008, April D said:

   Hmmm I’m not a fan of these tips. They are mostly litle ways to falsely TRICK yourself into BELIEVING you’re not fat (which for this author seems to be intricately tied in to “not as pretty”); instead of accepting what you are and tackling the problem of why you just don’t feel GOOD that day.

   For me, the days I used to call “fat days” are when I am just uncomfortable in my clothing. You know; those “I wish my arms detached at the shoulder cause I just can’t get settled down, everything feels pinchy!” days. So I’ve learned (thanks fat-o-sphere!) to put the offending outfit in the pile for goodwill. If I just feel sluggish I try to take a walk outside to get more fresh air and sunshine. Sometimes I feel like I’m part sun-lizard. I needs sunlight. Winter is a difficult time for that…

   If I’m just having a down day when nothing is going right; I try to color. Plain old crayons. Big lines in a coloring book to color. Very simple. Or play with play-doh. Even if I only make snakes ^^ Sometimes all I need to do is realize I’m missing some FUN time for ME and when I get a moment to actually enjoy something I feel better. (I’m 27 and will play with stuff that makes me happy, conventions be damned. “We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing”.

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

9. 9 On July 16th, 2008, Stephanie said:

   Jess’s comment about calling them “blob” days is kind of like how I call them “blah” days.
   I guess when I have a day like that, I just try to drink lots of fluids and concentrate on the bigger picture. I know it’s just a feeling, that it’ll pass with time, so why get hung up over it now?

   posted on July 16th, 2008 at 2:08 pm

10. 10 On July 16th, 2008, Gillian said:

    I respectfully disagree, some of those tips would do more harm than good:
    1. You don’t see a random sampling of people in the gym locker room, you see people who work out at the gym. If I’m already feeling bad about myself and then I see all the skinny people at the gym, I just feel worse. Working out does make me feel better but first I have to get over the hump of seeing all the tiny 18-year-olds around me.

    2. Unless Sophia Loren has gained a lot of weight recently, a quick Google image search reveals that you can see her damn ribs: http://www.seniorcitizen.com/2006/04/09/sophia-lorens-life-stretched-in-white.htm
    Sophia Loren is always held up as an example of how a 70-year-old woman is supposed to look like a 40-year-old and if she can do it why can’t you?? Not cool.

    5. Yes, and everyone knows women should only feel good about ourselves if we look hot for men. Besides that, what if we’re not “normal weighted”?

    7. Translation: look at paintings of fat women; if you’re as fat as them then hey great, they look pretty! And if you’re not then wow, look at those fat pigs in the paintings! At least you’re not like them! I don’t think it works both ways like that.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 2:31 pm

11. 11 On July 16th, 2008, buttercup said:

    I’m pretty much in agreement with KarenElhyam and others who have said this advice stinks, especially from a feminist standpoint. Objectifying myself by comparisons with others (art, gym people, sophia loren) only increases the dysfunctional relationship I have with my self esteem. When I move away from that and remember what my true value is as a member of society, as a mother, as a social services worker, as a friend, my self-love improves. Taking myself out of the lens of the male gaze is one of the best things I’ve ever done, I highly recommend it. Great for the self image.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 2:43 pm

12. 12 On July 16th, 2008, Stephanie said:

    When I get done with an hour of yoga or something similar, I really do feel thinner. There could be a physiological reason: I’m both lactose-intolerant and female, and maybe all that scrunching around has moved whatever’s making me bloated at the time somewhere else. Mostly, though, I think it’s just that I feel comfortable in my skin and clothes, and I associate that feeling with being thinner. (Although that’s dumb, because when I was thinner, I still couldn’t find pants that fit.) (And, it should be noted, twenty minutes of running makes me feel uniformly worse. I think I’ll stick with yoga.)

    Those pieces of advice aren’t uniformly great, but if they work well enough to stop someone from engaging in disordered behavior at a crucial moment, then I’m not going to knock them entirely.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 3:00 pm

13. 13 On July 16th, 2008, PurpleGirl said:

    I can see why some people are upset by these tips; you all have good points. But I can also see the other side. I know for me on my worst “fat days”, back when I was hating myself, were all about feeling ugly, unfeminine, and basically just gross–I hated my fat so much that I felt like I was slimy all over. I still remember the day I truly touched my stomach, felt my fat rolls, and really truly realized a) that that slime idea was there in my head and b) how utterly stupid it was.

    So, from the point of view of my “fat days” making me feel like an androgynous wad of slime, I understand these tips. Also, although some say comparing yourself to other women (like in the locker room) is bad for a variety of reasons, I like the fact that at least in that situation you’re comparing yourself to reality, not to media images.

    All in all, these tips don’t do it for me–anymore. But in my self-loathing days, I would have, and in fact think I did, use them to try to combat the idea that I belonged in the Black Lagoon.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 3:04 pm

14. 14 On July 16th, 2008, “Fat” Days, “Ugly” Days, “Bad” Days…Oh My! « I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape. said:

    [...] Posted by April D under Self acceptance   There is a great post over at the F-Word today.  It is about those days, when we say we feel “Fat.”  What it means to us and what we [...]

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 3:27 pm

15. 15 On July 16th, 2008, Kelly said:

    When I was younger I was never allowed by my sister and her friends to have “fat” days because I was so petite and an athlete. I was never model thin just border line slender and very muscular. I hated that I wasn’t allowed to feel bad and articulate it which actually forced me to think about why I would want to do something like tha. I realized it wasn’t that I felt “fat” but rather I felt lazy tired, bloated or whatever so I learned to say that instead which seemed to be more acceptable.

    As for the list above, yes they are a bit sexist but if they work than they work. My other tips are
    1- go for a walk/run/bike ride/whatever. 2- interact with someone preferably a SO or a small child as a gentle human touch can sometimes bring peace. 3- Combine moving with something good or smart such as recycling, planting a tree or even knitting or sewing. That way I can remind myself of my physical and mental capabilities. If all that fails, I slip on my baggy gross clothes, work up a sweat doing something such as mowing, hammering or moving furniture, then take a cold shower and slip into something nice but comfortable. Usually that helps though I don’t always have time for it

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

16. 16 On July 16th, 2008, Rachel said:

    I think different tips work for different people, so while the above tips may not be your bag, it might just help someone else feel a little bit better about themselves. If you don’t like the therapist’s tips, what are some things that work for you?

    Yorke: Not to mention, she also assumes all women with disordered thinking about their body are heterosexual.

    Pennylane said: My fat days are sometimes when I’ve not exercised or have eaten more than I thought I should but it is more often triggered by stress or depression.

    Agreed. There are times when I feel positively awful about my body, when none of my clothes seem to fit right, and I’m convinced that despite the scale reading, I’ve gained weight. I usually then take a moment to think about larger issues in my life at the time. Am I stressed about that huge paper I haven’t started yet? Is it near my period? Did someone say something to me that made me feel bad? And so on. For me, feeling fat usually has nothing to do whatsoever with actually feeling fat. It’s just that it’s easier to pin all my problems on my body and weight than it is to just deal with them.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

17. 17 On July 16th, 2008, Lalaroo said:

    I agree with the other criticisms of her tips. They seem really tailored to people who “feel” fat but aren’t actually fat.
    1. Compare yourself to other people at the gym? If I did that, I’d feel much worse real fast. Hardly anyone at my gym is bigger than me, or even as big. The only way comparing yourself to others could make you feel better is if you’re able to say “I’m thinner than that lady! I win!” If it was me, I’d be like, “I’m fatter than her, and her, and that lady, and much fatter than the super-small teens who always work the front desk, and fatter than her, and her” and on and on. This would result in me, in my car, in tears. Not a good tip!
    5. Yeah, so maybe there are a lot of studies that show that men prefer normal-weighted women. First, so what? The ultimate telos of my life is not to be attractive to a man - thanks, therapist, for reaffirming society’s message there. And second, I’m NOT a normal weight. I’m fat. I’m “overweight,” or “obese.” Reading those studies will only make me feel worse about myself. You fail again, Irene.
    7. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t tell a woman to look at a Rubens, and feel great about how beautiful she is if she looks like that, or if she doesn’t to feel great because hey, at least she’s not that fat!

    When I feel fat, I go to the gym. Getting sweaty makes me feel good. Either that, or I cry a lot and freak out my parents. But I try not to do that, because it makes them upset.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 7:52 pm

18. 18 On July 16th, 2008, Meowser said:

    I’ll tell you what *I* do. Comparing myself to Sophia Loren? Or to other women at the gym? Not going to work on my size 18 ass. That advice might work for a woman who is thin-to-average-size, but it SO will not work for me.

    Instead, I think of great singers of yore, from a time when being “big” conveyed stage presence and vocal power. Classic blues singers like Big Mama Thornton and Big Maybelle. Jazz singers like Dinah Washington. Gospel singers like Mahalia Jackson. And yes, Aretha too, then and now. Women whose success happened not in spite of not being a size 4, or even a size 10, but because of it. Their being built the way they did enabled them to sing the way they did. How much poorer the world would have been without their art.

    posted on July 16th, 2008 at 11:07 pm

19. 19 On July 17th, 2008, Jackie said:

    I think sometimes, that actually being fat is beneficial. Like let’s say a guy, says he doesn’t want to date you cause you’re fat. In a sense, it’s like a jerk-dar. It’s better than being thin, cause if I were thin I might date that guy, and then find out he was a jerk. So I think, well being fat protects me from jerks in life.

    I also feel that it’s better to be cute than sexy, cause sexy can fade over time. If you’re cute now, you’ll still be cute when you’re 80. Like Truffles from the cartoon Chowder!

    posted on July 17th, 2008 at 1:57 am

20. 20 On July 17th, 2008, Bree said:

    I’m a size 26/28. Every day is a fat day for me.

    But I notice that when I’m standing in the fruit section of the grocery store, or I’m at Royal Farms buying fruit and water, I feel more confident about myself. Not because I’m purchasing “healthy foods” just to let all the thin customers in the store know that I don’t eat junk all day, but because it’s what I want to buy, and it’s what I want to eat and/or drink. Going to a gym or looking at pictures of sex symbols, especially ones 40 years older than you, is not empowering for someone on the high end of the fat scale.

    posted on July 17th, 2008 at 8:32 am

21. 21 On July 17th, 2008, Jess said:

    “I’m a size 26/28. Every day is a fat day for me.”

    Do they have to be fat days for you? Hell, I’m a size or two bigger than you and really, 95% of the time I am 100% ok with my body. I eat fruit and water, and other healthy stuff, but I also am not going to shy away from dessert at a restaurant because of stereotypes. Who cares what the thin customers think? I am a firm believer in owning your own body.

    I feel like on my blob days, I DON’T own my body and that’s one of the biggest things that bothers me.

    posted on July 17th, 2008 at 2:34 pm

22. 22 On July 17th, 2008, Rachel said:

    I get what you’re saying, Bree. But for me, there are days in which I actually forget that I am fat.

    I agree that the good doctor’s tips aren’t necessarily the best tips. And come on.. Sophia Loren? Her list could use some modernizing, too. But I also think some of her tips are being misconstrued, like the first one, about comparing yourself to others at the gym. During my eating disorder, I had a very distorted vision of what I looked like. Everyone told me I was thin — and some even said I was too thin — but I still saw the same 300-pound fat girl in the mirror. I used to play a game with my sister in which I’d ask “Am I as fat as her?” or “Are my thighs as skinny as hers?” etc… just so I could see what I looked like through another’s eyes. I would see a woman who looked great and thin and my sister would tell me I was either as thin as her or even thinner. So, to give the doctor the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she means this tip for people with a degree of body dysmorphia.

    posted on July 17th, 2008 at 4:01 pm

23. 23 On July 17th, 2008, mccn said:

    I hear - and agree with, at least in parts - the criticisms of certain of the tips, like the one about reminding yourself what men “really” want. But, as a counterpoint, I would like to say that for some people, feeling “fat” does mean feeling ugly or unloveable, even if that’s not true for others, and when I would hate my body, I used to tell myself things such as “you’ll be single forever unless you lose x pounds.” I agree that the tips aren’t universally helpful, that some of them could actually be encouraging anti-feminist or self-hating behavior, in some contexts. But I’m not sure one could say that feeling fat has nothing to do with feeling desirable by men or with feeling pretty. Not every woman wants to be desired by men, and that’s absolutely great. Not every woman wants to feel pretty, and wanting to feel pretty may have some negative implications from a feminist standpoint. But some do. And I can’t say that those desires are invalid.

    It would be better to make a more inclusive list of tips, or target them to specific issues. Like - feeling bloated? Make sure you wear comfortable clothes with room for expansion, try moving around or eating and drinking things that help your digestion. Feeling abnormal? Sneak a look at other bodies - you’ll see that normal is a range. Feeling unlovable? Remind yourself what the partner you would want to have would value - what you value - and you will find evidence that some men/lesbians/whatever your preference - value that too.

    But, while I can’t endorse them for everyone, always I can’t wholeheartedly condemn them. And I would so appreciate it if we all can try to remember that, while some of us live to break all “expectations” - some of us do not, and that it’s okay and valid for us to do that as well.

    posted on July 17th, 2008 at 5:01 pm

24. 24 On July 17th, 2008, Dan said:

    I make myself feel better by buying new clothes. Always makes me feel better even if all day I was struggling to find clothes that fit.

    posted on July 17th, 2008 at 6:48 pm

25. 25 On July 18th, 2008, Lois Waller said:

    Like almost everyone else, I find this list incredibly disturbing coming from a therapist. It reads like the palaver in most women’s magazines.

    My “fat days” are generally related to hormonal or digestive issues. I don’t really have any coping techniques other than water and mindless distractions, but sitting around comparing myself to anyone else (bigger or smaller) would be a ridiculous and damaging exercise.

    posted on July 18th, 2008 at 5:11 pm

26. 26 On July 20th, 2008, Strawberry said:

    The very phrase, “feeling fat”, or “having a fat day”, makes me totally cringe. I actually am fat, and I can’t help but feel it’s just a short step from people hating their own fat to those people hating my fat. You build up certain associations with fat (we all do), and the best I’ll ever do with a fat-hater is being a great person “in spite of” my fat.

    When I have a “fat day”, I feel at one with my body, and my soul occupies the whole of me, from my xlarge skull to my extra wide feet. “Thin days”, on the other hand, are when I mentally shrivel and hide, and crawl into a corner of myself and don’t want to move or see anybody. In short, awful.

    I don’t want to turn my “fat days” around. I want extra helpings of them.

    posted on July 20th, 2008 at 1:21 am

27. 27 On July 23rd, 2008, CarrieP said:

    The absolute best tip I have ever heard for dealing with the whole “fat day” phenomenon is to remember that you are exactly the same size today as you were yesterday when you felt okay about yourself.

    posted on July 23rd, 2008 at 11:06 am

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