Farewell classes, hello summer!

3rd June 2008

Farewell classes, hello summer!

posted in Eating Disorders, Fat Bias, Personal |

I admit it: I’m a nerd.

I like school. I like taking classes. Before I met my husband, I sat in on classes offered in the summer “for fun.” On my degree audit for my undergraduate degree, I have nearly as many classes that don’t count for my degree as I do classes that do. Some of my closest friends today are my former professors, three of which attended my wedding reception. My graduate degree has absolutely nothing to do with my career or career aspirations; it’s based on personal interest and pure academic snobbery.

Still, I can’t say I was that despondent about turning in the final two papers of the quarter and academic year yesterday. Onto summer!

I’d always received good marks in high school and even attended college classes my senior year, but I was never what you might call a serious student. While I liked most of my classes, I hated the school’s social atmosphere. I was one of a handful of fat kids in my school which made attendance state-mandated child abuse. My entire goal throughout high school was to become a double negative: not seen and not heard. The harassment and bullying I encountered there helps explain my spotty high school attendance record and why I escaped to college instead.*

I attended a state university for two years after my high school graduation before dropping out. My grades were poor; I barely attended classes. Later, I would be diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which explains why I slept 13 hours a day and maybe even why I weighed so much, too. A later diagnosis of ADD would explain much of my focus and attention and reading comprehension problems. Still, at the time, my decision to drop out devastated me. I felt like an utter and complete failure.

I returned to college at the cusp of my eating disorder where my studies both fueled my disorder and later, my recovery. I started the diet that would develop into an eating disorder shortly before my first summer class and by winter quarter, it had evolved into a full-fledged and serious disorder. Looking back, part of my goal with the diet was not only to lose weight, but to become a New Person, one who was infinitely more fascinating and witty and clever. Part of the New Me also involved an atonement of my academic sins; I had never been a good student, but I would damn well be one now.

I set both my personal and academic standards impossibly high and viewed an inability to reach them threat of a regression into the fat person I was before and had hated. I enrolled in the most difficult courses and joined the university’s honor program. To graduate with full honors, one needed 28 honors credits; I graduated with 36. A grade of a B on a feature writing class story once sent me into a deep, depressive downward spiral. This might come as no surprise to those with an eating disorder. We are often incredibly intense people, highly competitive, intelligent, overachieving, self-driven perfectionists driven to impossible extremes. This personality combination is, in fact, one of the large reasons why we are able to sustain the degree of self-hatred required of an eating disorder that is lacked by most women, even those who diet.

The small college I first attended also provided a much-needed structure and support network throughout my eating disorder. In fact, the woman I credit with leading me towards recovery is my former English professor and now good friend. My classes and desire to do well in them kept me in constant contact with other people, forcing me out of my otherwise self-imposed isolation. And the act of learning itself also inspired my search for not only empirical knowledge, but self-knowledge. I was fortunate. So many others are not.

I’m still impossibly perfectionist. I still strive to get good grades, to be the smartest person in my classes. I still have a fear of appearing stupid or being laughed at, thanks to the ever-constant bullying throughout my childhood. The graduate program is quite competitive which requires an almost-constant vigilance on my tendency to excess. But my standards are more realistic now: I’ve received two A-minuses on papers this quarter and that’s okay. Graduate school is on the low end of my priority list; my health and my husband and family top the list.

How about you? Did the act of learning about the world inspire your own self-analysis? Are you a perfectionist or overachiever? How do you strike a balance?

* Despite the implementation of zero-tolerance policies and bullying education and awareness in many schools, bullying of fat kids is still both widespread and significant. A University of Texas study last summer revealed that half of obese girls are less likely to attend college than their non-obese peers, and that obese girls were more likely to consider committing suicide, use alcohol and marijuana and have negative self-images.

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1 On June 3rd, 2008, spacedcowgirl said:

You seem to have a very good grasp of what makes you “tick” academically, and why you enjoy/what you enjoy about school, which is cool. And congratulations on setting appropriate priorities this time around.

For my part, I always did well in school and on standardized tests, so being the smart kid was sort of my “identity” growing up. Of course now, I think that was mainly because I was a very fast learner and could do things at the last minute, or maybe well but not as well as I would have liked, and still get by. I was a perfectionist in the sense that I would beat myself up if I got anything other than an A, but my ability to really “give it all” for any given task seemed random. For one assignment I’d pour my heart and soul into it, for the next I’d barely be able to force myself to get it done by the due date. Sometimes I think it would be better if it were routine to go through college at 30 or so because speaking for myself, I think I’d get more out of it now. I’m less concerned about “keeping up appearances” and more about understanding the subject matter, I think.

However, fast forward to graduate school and work, and my sense of myself as an intelligent, bookish person (which I once believed I was) is basically completely shot at this point. Like you, I have problems with my ability to focus, but in my case I am not sure whether this is ADD or not. I recently left the career I had been in ever since graduating because I hated it so much, and part of this was the nature of the work but part of it was (what I see as) my own laziness and inability to do anything more than a half-assed job.

I start something with high hopes and end up paralyzed and unable to proceed as soon as I hit the slightest snag. I then lose my focus and waste large amounts of time, and have been known to pull all-nighters at the last minute to get things finished. At the same time, the “ineffectual perfectionism” I describe above is still in force; the worse I perform, the more I beat myself up and the more I can’t stand not being the absolute best in the office at whatever I’m doing, which just seems to make the whole thing worse. This is not the way I want to live. I don’t know yet what I want to do next as a career, but I do know that somehow I need to change some of these work practices or I’ll be just as miserable as I was before.

Regarding your footnote, what do you want to bet that many researchers out there would interpret the stat of fewer obese women attending college from the explicit or implicit standpoint of “well, they’re lazier, slower, and less self-controlled, so of course they don’t attend college as much.”

posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 3:01 pm

2 On June 3rd, 2008, Carrie said:

Did we share a womb? Because I could have written this.

School is a double-edged sword for me: I love learning, love reading, love interacting with passionate people. And I also can take it a wee too far. My first A- drove me to lock myself in my room and sob for a week.

The program I just finished (a one year Master’s program) graded me as pass/fail. A C or above and you passed. Not that I wasn’t ridiculously perfectionistic, but it gave me just enough slack to stay sane. And it also allowed me to work harder at my writing and at the subjects that truly interested me- the reasons I was there in the first place.

But yeah, if you’re missing a twin? Look me up.

posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 pm

3 On June 3rd, 2008, Rachel said:

Spacedcowgirl: I know what you mean. We sound like very similar creatures (this coming from someone who had to pull an all-nighter Sunday to get the above referenced papers done). I still struggle with black/white thinking. It’s got to be absolutely fantastic and huge or nothing at all. This is why people like us quit abruptly. We get sick of being impressive or having to seem impressive. And deadlines? Are my best friend. I hate the stress of waiting until a deadline, but it usually pushes me to produce some fantastic work, even better than if I’d planned and finished early. I have no way of explaining it and for me, I guess my extreme procrastination works. It just might not be all that great for my blood pressure, haha.

I also have self-examined my academic snobbery and I think it, too, extends back to my childhood. I would much rather be seen as the “smart one” than as the “fat one.” And I used my intellect as a weapon. My mom was an EMT and I used to pore over her medical books (kind of morbid, but hey). Whenever kids made fun of me for being fat, I’d retort back with a list of medical names and disorders they’d never heard of. They’d be so confused that they’d forget to make fun of me again.

Carrie: A one-year MA program? Wow! Mine is a two-year, but I dropped down to part-time last semester which makes it more like a three or four year program for me now. Yours sounds ideal!

I’m kind of liking the slack I’ve given myself, too. One of the reasons I dropped down to part-time (outside of sanity, of course) is because I hardly ever got to spend quality time with the husband. My flowers in my garden all kind of wilted, because I didn’t even have time or energy to water them. I barely exercised, let alone do any of the things I like to do, like biking or rollerblading or reading books not on a syllabus. So, yeah, I’m totally willing to sacrifice that point three-tenth of a point in my GPA for a life.

posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 5:12 pm

4 On June 3rd, 2008, twincats said:

I “waited” till my 30′s to go to college and once I got there, it was *awesome*

Ironically, I was pretty much average in size till I went back to school and I knew I’d gain weight just because I was aware of all the time and energy I expended staying the size I was. But I was determined to put that time and energy in to school rather than staying a size 12.

Ten years later, I still haven’t finished a BA (two address changes, a marriage and a house got in the way) but don’t regret it a bit, even though I’m a size 22/24 now.

posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 7:40 pm

5 On June 3rd, 2008, lemur said:

i can never love any of my classes until they’re done. *then* i can engage with the material. *then* i can care about the subject itself. *then* i can recognize the various weak points in my final project, the things i wish i could change and research and rewrite or add, even before i get any feedback. i love learning. i hate being in school. as a result, i’m a straight a-minus student who hates life for two semesters a year. i can deal with summer session, though. everything’s covered in half the time, so i’m forced to engage seriously if i’m going to cover it at all. challenging. interesting. short enough for me to feel the trajectory of the course and feel like i’m part of it, but too short for very much loathing. why can’t all semesters be six weeks long?

posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 8:02 pm

6 On June 3rd, 2008, nuckingfutz said:

My mom is in her 50s and is only half-way through her associate’s degree. But she’s loving every minute of it; she’s even one of the officers for her Phi Beta Kappa (?? I think that’s what she called it) association, and on the student government. On top of all that, she’s an adult with ADD and dyslexia. I’m just a leetle bit proud of my mother, can ya tell?

Me, I never got to go to University/College. Finding out you’re pregnant 5 days after graduating high school can put a bit of a crimp in your plans. I do hope I get to go eventually (even if I have to be like my mom and wait till I’m 50), but it’s just not an option right now.

posted on June 3rd, 2008 at 9:20 pm

7 On June 4th, 2008, Jwoohoo said:

This is such a timely post for me! I just discovered this site and am starting grad school this fall. I was such an overachiever in elementary and junior high school. I received the majority of the academic awards given to graduating 8th graders! My family moved to a much larger community with a much larger school when I started high school and I got lost there. I went from everyone knowing me and being my best friend (don’t the fat girls always make the best confidants?) to having just a few friends and not being the top of my class. I was lucky I tested well but just hated being at school. I ended up doing well, but I wanted to have done better.

Then I went to college and found myself. I also found that school and studying came after working to pay for school and partying. So, my once bright academic career ended dismally after 6 years of college! After an eight year break and more finding myself and a different career path, I’m starting grad school again.

I’m a professional and great at what I do. I’m going to grad school to get more training for what I do. I have a definite advantage over others starting this program with me. Yet I am so nervous to be in that school social setting again. I actually thought, “what if my classmates don’t like me?” Are you kidding me?!? I haven’t asked that question in years about anyone. Something about the school atmosphere takes me back to being a fat, insecure freshman all over again.

posted on June 4th, 2008 at 1:23 am

8 On June 4th, 2008, Rachel said:

Jwoohoo: There’s something about my particular program and the students in it that reminds me of the high school hierarchy all over again. I am one of few students (maybe the only one) who works outside of school or being a TA. Many of the other kids went straight from undergrad, where they didn’t work either, to grad school. They have little life experience. The second-year students though act as if they’re the seniors and we first-years are freshmen. I gave up on trying to fit in. Now I go for my classes and leave while the rest are yakking in the lounge about how drunk they got the night before or how they used daddy’s credit card to buy their books.

posted on June 4th, 2008 at 10:06 am

9 On June 4th, 2008, spacedcowgirl said:

It’s got to be absolutely fantastic and huge or nothing at all. This is why people like us quit abruptly. We get sick of being impressive or having to seem impressive. And deadlines? Are my best friend.

Yes, I absolutely need a deadline to get anything done, and I think there is something to your idea about how the pressure to “be impressive” just gets too onerous. (Regarding deadlines, trying to do a Ph.D. program was a disaster for me because there was nobody forcing me to get my lab work done. I did fine in my classwork because of the deadlines, but I felt totally paralyzed trying to plan out and run my experiments. Setting and sticking to a detailed plan that would take like 3 years to complete was totally beyond my capabilities. Of course this was probably for the best because I would have been miserable as a professor.)

Perhaps I should do what you have done and embrace some of my last-minute tendencies. I think some of it is ADD-style “hyperfocusing,” but whatever the reason, once I do get down to task I can really give something my undivided attention. It’s just that sometimes I misjudge and start it too late and can’t do a good enough job, and either way I spend the whole time beating myself up for procrastinating, which whether I am actually doing a bad job or not is energy-sapping and unhelpful.

Come to think of it, as I am trying to figure out what to do with my life next, my therapist suggested I make a list of characteristics (reasonable or unreasonable) that my “dream job” would have. (I love some of the technical aspects of engineering–and as I mentioned, I’d love to retake some of my classes because I bet I’d get more out of them now that I’m not a 19-year-old obsessed with my GPA–but was miserable in my various jobs at consulting firms.) Maybe now would be a good time to do this assignment since I’m thinking about these issues. And since I’m supposed to bring it to my next appointment, which is tomorrow. Of course.

I also have self-examined my academic snobbery and I think it, too, extends back to my childhood. I would much rather be seen as the “smart one” than as the “fat one.”

That is a great point. And kids come up with the most ingenious ways to protect themselves (though I wish they didn’t have to). When you think about it, using your mom’s medical dictionary as a strategy to deflect teasing is a fairly complex strategy for a little kid to develop.

nuckingfutz, congratulations to your mom! It sounds like she is doing great and loving her experience as an older student. My mom went back to school in her early 40′s–she had gotten into a troubled marriage out of high school, basically to get out of her parents’ house. She got an associate’s degree, and worked as a secretary for many years, divorcing her first husband, marrying my dad, and having two kids in the meantime. She decided to go back for a bachelor’s in human resources management when I was 10 or so and completed it while working full time and (of course) raising us. She is super-smart in math and computers, among other things, and although I think she is happy, sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and give her unlimited money to do whatever degree program she wanted. In this theoretical world I wouldn’t be surprised to see her get a Ph.D. in math or computer science or something. Anyway, I know her degree was a lot of work for her, and I’m really proud of her for finishing it.

posted on June 4th, 2008 at 11:17 am

10 On June 4th, 2008, sarah-j said:

wow, its so good to read this. I knew that people who have or have had EDs tend to be perfectionistic and intelligent and I always suspected but never knew for sure that these same aspects of their personality can also work to their disadvantage (in an academic way.) The procrastination thing is so familiar to me. I always do it and it makes sense to think that the pressure you put yourself under by being perfectionistic would be conducive to just not doing assignments until you feel like you can get them to be good enough…..which is never! so thats where the advantage of good old deadline comes in and you have no choice but to finally just do it, whether its gonna be ‘good enough’ or not.

I feel like I should say though, that my grades are nowhere near as good as you guys. They’re kind of getting better though as I’ve learned how to be more relaxed and calmer, had some counselling and also had some more life experiences. I really like the subjects I’m studying but considering that things seem to be getting easier as I get older maybe I should put off any post grad stuff for a few years after I finish my degree next summer. Hmm. Anyway thanx for the post and the brilliant website.

posted on June 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm

11 On June 9th, 2008, Coming attractions » The-F-Word.org said: