One girl at a time: Changing aspirations, instilling confidence

25th April 2008

One girl at a time: Changing aspirations, instilling confidence

posted in Body Image, Family Issues, Feminist Topics, Pop Culture |

I’ve always liked Christina Ricci as an actress, and after reading a Blackbook interview with her, I like her as a woman, too. Says Christina:

“I think people are learning to actually aspire to be objectified. It’s like the highest form of flattery for teenage girls. The culture we live in right now seems to reward behavior that we used to frown upon. We used to teach our daughters not to be like this…

“We don’t really know what’s going to happen to this generation of children. I just know that things seem wrong to me. I mean, I just feel like sexism is alive and well, and misogyny. And we all like to pretend that it’s not. That makes me feel a little crazy.”

The husband and I walked last night around a popular outdoor air shopping/entertainment plaza. A kiosk sold t-shirts with phrases like “I’m a virgin - but this is an old t-shirt” and “Who says size doesn’t matter?” in girl sizes. My 14-year-old cousin - the one who idolizes Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera but blanks on Susan B. Anthony and Betty Friedan - looks and dresses older than I do and I’m teetering precariously close to 30. I once mentored a 13-year-old, average-weight biracial girl from my city’s projects who was extremely smart in math and science, and yet constantly downplayed her academic skills while lamenting how fat she was (because other kids told her so).

From body-baring bikinis for girls as young as 6, sexual dolls designed for girls ages 4 - 8, tweens posing in suggestive and provocative ways in magazines and the sexual antics of young celebrity role models, what kind of messages are young girls receiving today on how they ought feel and act? As a report released last year by the American Psychological Association’s Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls reveals, those messages can be devastating.

Instead of collectively wringing our hands while bemoaning the sad state society has devolved to, I’m more interested in what we can do to fix the problems. The challenge seems daunting: how can one person or even a group of people tackle a mega-billion dollar media and entertainment industry? How can we work to change national opinions and culturally ingrained beliefs? I think the answer starts one girl at a time.

As I’ve written before, change is often most effective in small doses. Here are some things I think we can all do to help instill positive messages in the young girls in our own families, lives, and towns:

Mentor. Big Brother, Big Sister is perhaps the largest adult-to-child mentoring program nationally, but there exists lots of smaller, localized groups to. Check your local school or library to find out about programs in your area.
Support body positive publications. Don’t support media publications that glamorize heroin chic or bony as beautiful. Do support media publications that show a diversity of sizes and an emphasis on health, not weight loss.
Be a good role model: Are you stuck on the diet bandwagon? Do you critique and obsess about your body? If you have young girls in your life, chances are, they’re going to adopt such behaviors, too.
Slap a sticker reading “This Promotes Eating Disorders!” or “This Promotes Healthy Body Image” on ads and articles and mail them to magazine editors. Stickers available for $5 a sheet (20) from the Renfrew Center.
Compliment girls on their kindness, their sense of humor, their intelligence. Avoid complimenting on how pretty they are or other superficial qualities.
Encourage healthy eating and physical activity, but emphasize the importance of health and fitness, not weight or size manipulation. Teach - and show - kids about intuitive eating and encourage them to do those activities that they like to do.
Show respect for and admiration of people of all sizes who have accomplished great things or show integrity. Don’t make negative comments about others for their size, race, or the way they dress. Teach kids an appreciation for diversity of all kinds.
Monitor what your children read or the materials you give to a child. Magazines promoting dieting or websites that say they’re empowering for girls while promoting disordered eating take a serious toll on a girl’s psychological outlook. Support publications like New Moon Magazine, which promote healthy body image.

For more great resources, check out the books listed at the end of this article, or some of the websites listed here.

What do you think? Are girls “rewarded” for being sexualized, objects? Do you have any other suggestions on others can help thwart these messages?

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This entry was posted on Friday, April 25th, 2008 at 10:11 am and is filed under Body Image, Family Issues, Feminist Topics, Pop Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On April 25th, 2008, Carey

said:

Mentoring is good, unfortunately it seems that when we are not around movie stars and pop stars still have a reign over the young ones. its just a shame.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 11:21 am

2 On April 25th, 2008, riv

It’s really frustrating that the people who most vocally object to the hypersexualized imagery and attitudes in pop culture seem to be conservatives who flip out about “modesty” and related things. I want objectification to stop. But not because I think that women’s bodies are sinful and need to be shamed and hidden. I think that the objectification and the shaming are two sides of the same coin, and I think that it’s important to address both.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 12:12 pm

3 On April 25th, 2008, jamboree

Promoting modesty doesn’t necessarily equate to shaming a child into feeling their body isn’t beautiful, nor does it necessarily equate to objectification — “Cover that up or men will not be able to control themselves!”

I have two very young daughters, and I dress them modestly. I also have a young son, and I dress him modestly as well. It’s not about sexualisation at this point; they are all under 6 and we don’t do slogan tees or “junior slutwear”. What I am striving to teach my children is respect for their bodies and for other people’s. My eldest daughter wears uniforms to school, and most of the time she prefers to wear the dresses rather than the trousers. If she’s not wearing tights with the dress, she wears biker shorts underneath it. This keeps her modest, and it also allows her to hang upside down on the monkey bars and not worry about anything showing that shouldn’t! In short, modesty keeps her comfortable and lets her get on with more important things. She doesn’t have to worry about keeping her skirt down, so she can worry about who runs the fastest at breaktime.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 12:26 pm

4 On April 25th, 2008, mrs.millur

Thank you for this. It is so easy to feel paralyzed by fear about the world my little girl(s) will inherit. Remembering that there are real things I can do to make a difference is important. Knowing that I have allies in the world, who (even without knowing them) also want my daughters to grow up strong and healthy and confident and are out there changing aspirations and instilling confidence in other mothers’ little girls one girl at a time is important, too.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

5 On April 25th, 2008, Rachel

In short, modesty keeps her comfortable and lets her get on with more important things.

Not to mention, it may also help keep her safe. I don’t want to be misconstrued here as if I’m saying rape victims “ask for it” because they wear short skirts or the like, but I think the “junior slutwear” as you mentioned helps to attract the wrong kinds of attention from both a girl’s male peers and some grown men - attention she may not be prepared to understand or handle.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 1:00 pm

6 On April 25th, 2008, lindeseig

Agreed on all points. My 17 year old sister in law idolizes Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and walks around half naked most of the time. (in contrast, I still got, “Young lady, you are not leaving the house dressed like that!” from my father when I was 26 - I was visiting and he did not approve of a particularly low cut dress.) Naturally, she could care less about school or anything that might help her get by in the world beyond her appearance. She’s a sweet kid on all counts, I just worry what will become of her - or how far what she has chosen to value will really get her in life.

Basically, I see what girls are up against - what this hypersexualized culture has surrounded them with - and I’m terrified to bring a daughter into the world, let alone navigating them through the jungle of belly shirts, string bikinis, and teen magazines.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 1:01 pm

7 On April 25th, 2008, stefanie

I have two daughters, one 21 and the other 16. (A son, too, but we’re talking girls here.)

It has always been a priority for me as a mother to help my girls not get into the traps that have been mentioned. As they mature, and their characters come to the fore, I hope I can say without bragging (and with a knock on wood) that it’s pretty much worked. Even though their personalities are almost polar opposites, they’re both pretty self-confident, fun to spend time with, not stressing about sexuality. (One has a boyfriend; the other doesn’t, and she’s happy with that right now.)

There were a few things I did. From day one, we dressed our kids in hand-me-downs from friends, relatives, the 2nd-hand stores. Ours never knew a time when we went out deliberately seeking “the latest fashions.”

We always were highly critical of advertising when we saw it on TV, in magazines, on billboards, etc.

Even though I was on the dieting merry-go-round at the time, I never spoke about it in front of my kids. After I got off the carousel, I still made a careful effort to not engage in “diet talk,” especially the “I’m so bad…” variety.

My husband and I have tried to model good attitudes towards love, especially committed relationships. We have not always done a good job at this, being human and havning faults. But we have tried to show them that love isn’t how you look; love is how you *act* towards someone. Love, in other words, is a verb.

In general, my experience is that girls imitate their mothers. I do not always feel strong and self-confident, and I have made *many* mistakes in parenting. But if you want your kids to have healthy views of themselves and their bodies, it’s important to model that, even if you yourself don’t feel it. This is true for other girls, too - nieces, students if you are a teacher, etc.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 1:22 pm

8 On April 25th, 2008, Bree

I don’t have any children, but just hearing my co-worker’s frustration at trying to find clothing for her 11 year-old daughter that won’t make her look like she’s turning tricks on the highway is disturbing. Her daughter is very tall and slender, like her father, and so many of the skirts and shorts retailers make for young girls are so short, it would look obscene on my coworker’s daughter.

I can’t stand those smartass slogan T-shirts on ladies of any age. And I know this will sound very detrimental to those that promote FA/SA, but as a fat woman, I would never wear those because it would just open up the possbility for all kinds of scorn and ridicule from the public, especially men. I can just hear them saying “Yeah, so and so’s boyfriend really wants you.”

Of course, we do have plenty of girls that dress like Britney, Paris, etc. because they DO want the attention. They see that mainstream media notices and compliments women for sexing themselves up. Girls, as well as mature women, need to realize there is nothing wrong with being themselves, and if that means wearing no makeup, wearing baggy clothes, or heaven forbid—fat, then let them be it.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 2:33 pm

9 On April 25th, 2008, Ashley

“I once mentored a 13-year-old, average-weight biracial girl from my city’s projects who was extremely smart in math and science, and yet constantly downplayed her academic skills while lamenting how fat she was (because other kids told her so).”

it’s not other kids who tell my 11 year old daughter that she’s fat it’s her own grandmother, all because she is starting to develop, but I got lucky with my daughter she completely ignors what her grandmother says and can tell you who Susan B. Anthony and Betty Friedan infact she is doing so well that she is reciving a Presidential Honors award in a few weeks at her 5th grade graduation, and I know she was able to accomplish because of the Positive female role modles her teachers at school have been to her who have giver her support and let her see that no matter what color or size you are girls can do anything.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 2:39 pm

10 On April 25th, 2008, ladykuri

I have two daughters, ages 12 and 7. It’s HARD. But we try. Some things we do for them:

1. No “junior slutwear” allowed in this house. No grownup slutwear (well…of the publicly wearable kind anyway either. We dress for ourselves and for function. Fashion is generally treated as the joke that it is.

2. NO magazines that show fashion, dieting, sex, “relationship advice” or the like are allowed in the house (even going so far as to make the 12 yo leave a mag she brought up from her mom’s in the car). We treat it like the trash it is, and it’s worked so far to keep thier interest down. The 12 yo threw hers out when we wouldn’t let her bring it in and told her why…she flipped through it, you could SEE her realize it, and it went in the recycle bin.

3. We don’t talk (or allow talk) that is body negative. At all, about anyone, for any reason. Fashion negative, yes (and that includes things like makeup ickies and bad dye jobs), but if it’s a naturally occuring part of someone’s body, it will not be degraded in this house.

4. We allow them pretty free reign with fashion so long as it’s age appropriate. If it’s not showing/highlighting/creating parts it shouldn’t, and isn’t advertising something inappropriate (drugs, alcohol, etc) I really don’t care what they wear. So I have a couple little goth/punk wannabes. Whatever. They’re dressing how they want, and to hell with society and everything else that has an opinion.

5. We encourage active play and physical activity for FUN! We go hiking, tromp around museums, play soccer in the backyard, go swimming, etc etc etc just because it’s fun, not for “health” or weight or anything other than the sheer joy of doing it.

I’m sure I’ve missed things, but you get the idea……

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 3:01 pm

11 On April 25th, 2008, Fledchen

Big Brothers/Big Sisters is not body positive. They discriminate against people with disabilities–I was told that I could not volunteer because I cannot drive due to my disability.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 3:21 pm

12 On April 25th, 2008, Fauve

Rachel writes: “Slap a sticker reading “This Promotes Eating Disorders!” or “This Promotes Healthy Body Image” on ads and articles and mail them to magazine editors. Stickers available for $5 a sheet (20) from the Renfrew Center.”

The only thing is, I might feel compelled to slap a “promotes Eating Disorders!” sticker on alot of the kinds of photos Christina Ricci poses for. http://www.nydailynews.com/img/2008/04/18/alg_ricci.jpg

So, am I just being a prude about such images, or do I have a point? I don’t know. I’m conflicted, myself. On the one hand, it’s not wrong, in my book, to flaunt your beauty. And, in Ricci’s profession, it’s actually a requirement.
On the other hand, I’m pretty certain that such images as the one I linked to, really Do promote eating disorders - but as a *part* of this entire, fixated, complete glorification of youthful thinness and beauty. Ricci *is* gorgeous and, from all accounts, she’s also very talented (I haven’t seen many, if any of her movies, not to avoid her but just because I don’t watch all that many movies and I don’t watch TV at all). I know Ricci was once heavier, although not fat, and that now she’s quite thin - but with the requisite large chest. I’m sure that young girls want, desperately, to look like she does - even though, pretty as she is, she’s (also) probably air-brushed to within an inch of her life for every photo shoot she does (like they all are). Comments, anyone? Thoughts? Am I overreacting? I would never want such images banned. I think she looks great, but it also stirs up a feeling of a weird sort of disturbance within me. I guess it’s complex.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 3:38 pm

13 On April 25th, 2008, sso

I have no children of my own, but I often wear children’s clothes myself, and it seems to be the norm these days for kids’ clothes to be smaller versions of what teens and young adults wear. Some companies do a better job than others at keeping things a bit more kid-friendly, though. Old Navy, for instance, sells a lot of similar clothes in both children’s and adults, but the children’s clothes are cut differently. By this I mean that compared to the equivalent adult item, the children’s items have a higher rise, fit more loosely, and have longer hemlines. Abercrombie, on the other hand, is one of the worst offenders I can think of. Their kids’ are essentially exact replicas of their adult clothing: tight fitting, very low rise bottoms, very short skirts and shorts. Unfortunately, in my area, this seems to be a very desired brand for young girls. I’m rather afraid at the prospect of someday having a daughter, and trying to raise her in this society.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 3:49 pm

14 On April 25th, 2008, Alex

One thing that can be encouraged especially for older teenagers (both boys and girls alike) is to volunteer either on through a one time basis or a longer term like AmeriCorps. Many of my friends chose to volunteer for a year before they went to college and they claim it changed them for the better. Sometimes reconnecting with the “other real world” shows people that there is more to life than magazines, fashion and becoming famous for no true reason. It can also help them figure out what they want out of their lives, be it a career, a family, or anything really.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 4:41 pm

15 On April 25th, 2008, Fat Girl

“but as a fat woman, I would never wear those because it would just open up the possbility for all kinds of scorn and ridicule from the public, especially men.”

I feel the EXACT same way!

And I have to say that I agree completely with this whole post- great suggestions for fighting it.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 5:58 pm

16 On April 25th, 2008, Charlotte

I love reading about the ways the readers here are trying to raise their children in body-positive ways. I hope I can implement these things when I have kids.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 7:43 pm

17 On April 25th, 2008, HeatherRadish

Avoid complimenting on how pretty they are or other superficial qualities.

I might make exceptions, based on the kid. I wasn’t very fat as a kid, but no one ever told me I was pretty until I was 24, and it took about five years for me to realize they weren’t making fun of me. I don’t think I would have turned into Paris Hilton if someone had told me I had pretty eyes.

posted on April 25th, 2008 at 8:28 pm

18 On April 26th, 2008, Jackie

I agree with Fat Girl & Bree, wearing those kind of shirts as a fat girl is sort of asking for terrible comments from men. I think it’s because, those kind of shirts say “Look, I’m here holding myself up for objectification!” So men, feel that the girl is putting themselves out there for male approval/disapproval.

I agree with alot of what ladykuri said. Nobody really pays that much attention to fashion, my sister does but she still manages to dress rather conseratively. I mean, I want to look cute but I think cute is totally different from sexy. I think wanting to be cute, like wear Torrid shirts with Hello Kitty & cartoons on it, makes me appear more innocent. Alot like the Japanese concept of cute called Kawaii, although that probably went without saying after I mentioned Hello Kitty.

On the subject of your little punk/goth wannabes, I assure you as a former Goth myself, ok maybe I still do like overly-affeminate men with or without makeup, but makeup’s perferred, that it’s a stage. Once they are in their mid-twenties, they’ll be laughing about what they wore then. Also in some cases, about how rediculously uncomfortable those knee-high boots were too. LoL

posted on April 26th, 2008 at 3:01 am

19 On April 26th, 2008, mrs.millur

“Avoid complimenting on how pretty they are or other superficial qualities.”

I know I do this, though almost always in relation to hygiene. “Oh! Your hair is so pretty when it’s all combed out, what a beautiful girl”. And her ‘clean teeth’ smile she gives herself in the mirror after brushing is PRICELESS!

But yeah- the “prostitot” fashions are right out, for as long as I can keep them out.

posted on April 26th, 2008 at 8:02 am

20 On April 26th, 2008, devil

“…those kind of shirts say “Look, I’m here holding myself up for objectification!” So men, feel that the girl is putting themselves out there for male approval/disapproval.”

Exactly, Jackie. As if men need more encouragement to express their approval/disapproval of the way women look.

I don’t like wearing t-shirts with sayings because I don’t want to communicate with the masses when I’m out in public. When I want to communicate, I’ll speak with my voice, not my clothing. But that’s just me.

posted on April 26th, 2008 at 1:10 pm

21 On April 27th, 2008, Emerald

I think the “junior slutwear” as you mentioned helps to attract the wrong kinds of attention from both a girl’s male peers and some grown men - attention she may not be prepared to understand or handle.

Even if a mother doesn’t let her daughter wear those kind of clothes, she should attempt to prepare her for how to deal with that kind of attention anyway. I wasn’t allowed to wear revealing stuff. However, I had an adult body by the age of about 13-14 (and many girls mature physically earlier these days). I also had an incredibly body-negative upbringing, zilch in the way of confidence, and next to no knowledge about sex or relationships (and this was in the 1980s). When I started getting hit on by much older men, I absolutely had no idea how to handle it.

I think (as a non-mom, admittedly) that part of empowering your daughters not to see themselves as sex objects has to be educating them properly so they can avoid situations like this - not assuming that ‘keeping them innocent’ is the answer.

posted on April 27th, 2008 at 11:19 am

22 On April 29th, 2008, Flo

much as I agree with all the above posts about it being important to have good role models and I agree that it is good to have solid ideas of ways to help this growing problem, parents are important, but that’s not nearly the only thing at play here. I was raised by a mother who was pritty much the same as Stefanie above, I got hand me down clothes, my parent’s were healthy, I didn’t have junk food, and wasn’t allowed to watch much TV. And I do eat much like my mom, both of us eat extreamly healthy food most of the time, we are both vegitarian, eat lots of fruits, vegitables, beans, whole grains etc. Neither of us drive much, I depend on the bus and my own two feet to get me anywhere, we both exersize regularly, going to dance classes and the gym. We both have a sweet tooth which we indulge on occasion. The difference between us? She is naturally thin, 5′5″ and about 120lbs, I on the other hand am not, I am 5′3″ and 175lbs on a good day. the emphisis our culture puts on thinness masqurading as health has caused me to develop several eating disorders over the years, the year I was anorexic, eating under 500 calories a day, people, including my mother, kept telling me how healthy and good I looked. I tell this story not to discourage you all from being positive role models, but it is important to remember that girls do not live in a bubble (nor should they!) and that there has to be a cultural shift before these problems are going to go away.

posted on April 29th, 2008 at 12:41 am

23 On April 29th, 2008, Fauve

Brief aside: I Did see Ricci in one movie: Black Snake Moan. She dressed in skimpy clothes throughout. I guess it can easily be seen in exploitative (similar to the photo of her I linked to). For me, the movie was both fun to watch And good. Ricci and Samuel L. Jackson did great jobs w/their roles. I think it must be so hard to be a young actress in today’s Hollywood, as the emphasis on being thin is like never before. Ricci is both beautiful And talented; I hope she keeps her head above the water and is healthy in both body and mind.

posted on April 29th, 2008 at 8:40 am

24 On May 1st, 2008, spacedcowgirl

I finally figured out what a feed reader was (I know, pathetic) and subscribed to your feed, so I’m actually being reminded to go back and read some entries I missed. Anyway, I really appreciate your list and ladykuri’s too. I find it’s always in the forefront of my mind these days when I speak to a little girl, say at church, that I shouldn’t compliment her on her beauty or her outfit or how she’s a “young lady.” Even as a person who has basically never had time for the idea that a girl’s worth is tied to her beauty or thinness, I’m ashamed to say how easily those types of “compliments” still leap to my tongue (and how much more likely I am to call a little girl…say, my niece, who is fully immersed in that “princess” crap… something like “honey” but a little boy “buddy” or something more “tough”-sounding. Which is bad for both girls and boys. I’ve recently decided that “kiddo” is a good term of endearment for kids of either gender, though of course there’s nothing wrong with “honey” or “sweetie” for boys either).

So anyway, thanks for these very important reminders. I really don’t think we can be reminded too often of how behaviors that we either think are innocuous–or don’t think much about one way or the other because we are socially conditioned to them–may be harmful.

posted on May 1st, 2008 at 1:05 pm

25 On May 1st, 2008, “I just know that things seem wrong” « spacedcowgirl said: