How to accept a compliment

28th February 2008

posted in Body Image, Body-Affirming, Personal |

Last week I went to cover a story on a newly opened, locally-owned café. Walking in to the color-splashed restaurant, I was greeted by the aging proprietress with, “Are you Rachel? You are just so cute!”

Later that day while on a different story, another man told me I am “just as cute as cute can be.”

Yesterday evening I gave a presentation to a local business group on how to use the media advantageously and was told by one of the members, “You are a breath of fresh air from the rest of the media,” while another told me, again, how “cute” I was.

My response to all four compliments? “Thank you.”

Just two little words, and yet it took years for me to be able to say them when receiving a compliment.

Learning to accept compliments and positive messages about ourselves is difficult for so many of us. Instead of graciously accepting the compliment as the verbal gift it is, we hesitate to receive them or deflect or outright reject them.

“I love your shirt!”
“This old thing? I got it on the clearance rack.”

“That’s a great hairstyle on you.”
“I hate my hair; I wish I had long hair like yours.”

“You look great!”
“I need to lose xx pounds.”

“Wow, you look really pretty today.”
“You must be blind.”

Growing up as the fat kid, I was so used to being put down on a constant basis that I came to internalize the negative messages and began to believe them myself. It wasn’t until a few years after I graduated high school that I came to the startling realization that I truly believed that and acted as if my fatness rendered me a second-class citizen.

Like many people with body insecurities, my safeguard was to put myself down first before someone else could hurt me. I see this now in my sister, who also struggles with her weight. Her self-defense mechanism is to turn her fatness into a joke. “My second stomach is hungry,” she’ll quip, or she’ll ask for clothes in “fattie-size.”

Whenever people complimented me, I immediately questioned their ulterior motives. What is it this person wants from me? Surely they couldn’t really think I am smart or funny or a good writer, could they? Are they making fun of me? Are they mocking me?

Why do we find it so easy to disregard a compliment while taking every mean or critical thing said about us to heart? It’s as my favorite artist Bruce Cockburn sings, “Always ourselves we love the least.”

Cute is a compliment I receive often and one that even today is still hard to swallow. When I hear cute, I don’t attribute it to my retro-inspired glasses, my red hair or youthful appearance or the fact that I happen to be wearing green-striped bowling shoes with yellow stars on them. When I hear cute, I hear chubby cheeks, dimples and a round (fat) face. In short, when I hear cute, I hear fat. And in my head, the well-intentioned compliment instead becomes anything but a compliment.

On and on it goes, the endless ways we diminish and deflect positive comments about ourselves and our accomplishments.

One of the things I like about my husband is that he is very physically affectionate. My family is somewhat emotionally distant – we never hugged one another or expressed our feelings to one another. Early in our relationship, it felt strange to be hugged, uncomfortable even. I didn’t want to admit that I needed someone, anyone. Receiving a compliment is kind of like receiving a hug. When we allow ourselves to absorb positive messages, we might have to change how we think about ourselves.

When we receive a compliment, the appropriate response is to accept the comment for the well-intentioned gesture it truly is with a simple “Thank you.” The compliment-giver may just be right no matter what you keep telling yourself.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Body Image, Body-Affirming, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On February 28th, 2008, Deborah M

said:

I call my husband cute all the time. And he is a shade under six foot two and 157lbs! He has quite boyish looks, but cute, to me, also expresses not only a physical cuteness but something positive about personality too. I think cute is a ‘type’ of look/person which is very attractive. And having seen you interviewed, you definitely are cute! (I know you weren’t looking to get more compliments by writing this post, but you probably will!)

I know exactly what you mean, though. I could have written that post. It took me years and years to be able to accept - and begin to believe - compliments I received.

Deborah

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 9:04 am

2 On February 28th, 2008, Lillian

I’ve seen you interviewed and you are cute. I feel the same way when I get a compliment since I was told by my family that I was ugly, lazy, fat, etc. It’s hard for me to admit to myself that I look good in something or I’ve done a good job.

Rachel,you’re a beautiful woman; don’t tell yourself otherwise.

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 10:25 am

3 On February 28th, 2008, heartflare

I had to work a long time to get to the “thank you!” point, too. But now I’ve got a different tweak on the problem….

What do you say when people say “Wow, you look like you’ve lost weight!”/”Have you lost weight?” or various permutations of the statement when it’s obviously being delivered as complimentary? (This is not about extreme or unhealthy body changes, nor is this a case of “encouraging” an eating disorder.)

I *used* to take these statements as an out-and-out compliment and say “thank you”. But that just doesn’t apply anymore. I know that the person saying is trying to be complimentary and kind, and I see no reason to lay the FA SmackDown ™ on them for doing so in a fashion that I may not be fully behind. The best response I’ve been able to come up with at this point is “I’m not sure, I don’t really weigh myself anymore.” While that might catch them off-guard a bit, it’s the best I can do to find the middle ground between caving to the “thank you” and a (potentially offensive) FA “re-education” diatribe.

Any other suggestions? I can’t be the only one trying to figure this one out….

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 10:58 am

4 On February 28th, 2008, Phledge

So…how do you respond to the “compliment” of “Wow, you really look like you’ve lost a lot of weight!” Because there’s a gal at school who keeps telling me this, and I have been politely telling her, “No, actually, I’m gaining weight–I think–but if you mean I look nice today, then thank you.” It’s not sinking in. Help!

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 11:40 am

5 On February 28th, 2008, Tari

YES.

And Rachel, you really are too gosh darn adorable.

So…how do you respond to the “compliment” of “Wow, you really look like you’ve lost a lot of weight!”

When I get this (happens every now and then), I usually don’t act like it’s a compliment. I just say, “Uh, no” and stoneface until whoever it is gives up. (This generally only comes from someone who doesn’t know me well, so I’m not trying to preserve a friendship or anything. YMMV.)

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 12:04 pm

6 On February 28th, 2008, Lillian

I’ve been working out. As everyone knows, muscle is smaller than fat so I’m expecting a comment or two about losing weight. I have chronic pain and I’ve had problems with sleeping during the day. The exercise is helping in both areas. When we don’t love ourselves, we don’t take the steps to make ourselves feel better. We stay in bed and feel helpless.

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 12:29 pm

7 On February 28th, 2008, janet

I thought I was the only one who doesn’t take compliments well… I always turn it into a negative too! I didn’t realize other people have similar struggles because I always have this sort of me vs. (against?) the world attitude, unfortunately, and think that “normal” people couldn’t possibly understand me… I know at least to outwardly respond with a “thank you” but that doesn’t mean that in my head, I am not thinking negative things… I always get suspicious of their compliments too, or over analyze the compliment for the rest of the day until I justify to myself that it was somehow worthless, complete inaccurate, and that I REALLY am (fat, ugly, untalented, etc.). It is very strange… But I think I am getting better (I don’t tend to overthink as much, usually).

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 12:30 pm

8 On February 28th, 2008, JeanC

I’ve gotten much better about taking complements, usually saying thank you.

For the “wow! are you losing weight? You look great!” “compliments” I usually will fix the person with a wide eyed look of terror and exclaim “OH MY GOD!!! I hope not I don’t want go thru another round of treatment for my Graves’ Disease!! AH CRAP!!!!”. Usually stops them in their tracks and a few of them get a clue that weight loss isn’t a good thing.

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 2:17 pm

9 On February 28th, 2008, Miss Conduct

Great post! I just linked to it from my blog. Thank *you*!

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 4:42 pm

10 On February 28th, 2008, Heather

Why is it so hard to accept compliments?! ARGH!

I think that girls are programmed to deflect compliments from an early age. Even if you think you are having an awesome hair day or your cleavage looks great in a particular outfit, you’re never supposed to own up to it. It becomes automatic to reject the compliment.

By the way, I love your blog so very much.

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 6:47 pm

11 On February 28th, 2008, Charlotte

You’ve described exactly how I feel when receiving compliments. Hearing good things about myself often leads to self-criticism.
And you are really cute!

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 8:49 pm

12 On February 28th, 2008, Mindy

I’m better about taking compliments than I used to be, but it is still difficult. I always see a distorted vision of myself when I look in the mirror.

I understand your sister’s making everything into a joke. I do that with just about everything to cover up my real emotions. I’m trying to stop doing that, but it’s how I’ve dealt with my feelings for years — put myself down jokingly before someone else does, make a joke out of something about myself that really isn’t funny. I sometimes feel like I’ll either laugh or cry, so I might as well laugh. Sometimes, I should probably cry instead.

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 10:54 pm

13 On February 28th, 2008, Sarah

My family was the same Rachel. It is tough growing up with no hugs or touch.
It was so hard at first to not only accept hugs but to remember to give them. After 15 years sometimes my husband still has to ask but I am much better.
Compliments from reliable sources are great but sometimes you just KNOW there is a hidden message in them. Sort of like the ‘pretty face’ compliment but more subversive.

posted on February 28th, 2008 at 11:56 pm

14 On February 29th, 2008, Sarahbear

My family is not so touchy feely, either, physically or verbally. So when my boyfriend and I started dating, and he wanted to be touching me ALL THE TIME, it drove me nuts. And it was strange for me to see him interact with his family, because they all put their arms around each other, kissed each other, touched, expressed. Now that he and I have been together for two years and some change, his family includes me in the physical affection, and because of him and his affinity for closeness, I have gotten used to it.

As for compliments, I received one in the strangest way a few weeks ago. I was in a department store, and a middle-aged black woman came up to me. She was petite, but it was balanced by a very proud face.

So this womn approached me and told me, “You’re a very good looking girl. Well proportioned, very voluptuous. You know what I mean?”

I was stunned, shocked that a complete stranger would come up to me and compliment me on my body. But I stuttered out, “Thank you very much. I really appreciate that.”

She nodded, seeming satisfied with my reply, and she walked away. I get the feeling she was the kind of woman who would not have accepted anything less than a thank you. *grin*

posted on February 29th, 2008 at 12:38 am

15 On February 29th, 2008, Charlynn

My seventh grade English teacher taught everyone in her classes not to twist a compliment, and it was a lesson I never forgot. When she pointed out how we so easily turn a compliment into something negative, it seemed rather twisted (and it is!). From that day on, whether I believed it or not, I have always said “thank you” to a compliment.

posted on February 29th, 2008 at 1:31 am

16 On February 29th, 2008, Rachel

Here’s another thing to think about: When someone gives us a compliment and we turn it around to be a negative, we’re not only hurting ourselves, we’re also insulting the compliment-giver.

I actually find it surprising that I really like physical affection. I think I craved it all my life and while at first it felt weird to constantly give and be hugged, I really enjoy it now. I still don’t really hug my family, but my husband’s family are very huggy people and I like it.

As for weight loss compliments… I try to remember that many people have bought into the dieting and weight loss rhetoric and when they compliment you on weight loss, it really is meant as a compliment, however misguided it is. During my ED, I’d get lots and lots of compliments on my weight and they soon started to really frustrate and aggravate me. It was as if all people could see about me was my weight.

My weight has been pretty stable now for the past couple years, so I haven’t had to deal with those kinds of comments. But I think joking it off would probably diffuse the situation well enough:

Insert weight loss compliment here
Yeah, third world tropical viruses are a bitch, huh?”or “I knew that tapeworm diet would work!”

Occasionally I will run into people who knew me at mt heaviest and they’ll compliment me. If I’m not in a mood for joking, I’ll just tell them: “I had an eating disorder but I am much better now.” Or, I might say, “There are lots of things in my life I am proud of; weight loss isn’t among them, but thank you.” In these kinds of cases, I think it is absolutely appropriate to turn the compliment around.

posted on February 29th, 2008 at 10:45 am

17 On February 29th, 2008, Rebecca

I also think that there is a stigma to accepting compliments. To accept one makes other view you as thinking yourself proud or superior. Women seem to have been artfully trained to twist compliments into self-loathing because that seems to be the only way women relate to each other.

I feel like society keeps pushing this pity-party circle of self-loathing. There is a scene illustrating this in the teen film Mean Girls where a group of beauitful popular girls sit around and point out their flaws to each other and the new girl is forced into the circle even though she felt she had nothing to contribute because she was fairly accepting of herself.

posted on February 29th, 2008 at 12:36 pm

18 On February 29th, 2008, Rachel

True, Rebecca. There was a study released not too long ago that showed how women bond over fat talk - that is, making disparaging comments about their weight and bodies.

posted on February 29th, 2008 at 1:40 pm

19 On February 29th, 2008, Denise

“Why do we find it so easy to disregard a compliment while taking every mean or critical thing said about us to heart?”

I am glad I found your blog. I too have only recently learned to accept compliments at face value, coming from a culture (or maybe just a family) where accepting a compliment was seen as vain. I’ll never forget the stunned look of an American woman (I am Irish) who complimented me on my lovely straight teeth (my top teeth) and instead of saying “thanks!” I said “yea, but the bottom ones are all crooked”

posted on February 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm