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In memory of Polly Ann Williams

12th February 2008

In memory of Polly Ann Williams

posted in Eating Disorders |
Gone from mystery into mystery
Gone from daylight into night
Another step deeper into darkness
Closer to the light

I wasn’t going to blog today outside of listing a few quick news hits. I have a 500-page book waiting to be read for a graduate class and lots of work-related stories to write up. But then I read of the death of Polly Ann Williams and along with tears, the words flowed of their own volition.

Polly Ann WilliamsPolly was one of the four women featured in Lauren Greenfield’s Emmy-nominated documentary Thin. The film documents the experiences of young women at the Renfrew Center, a residential facility for the treatment of eating disorders.

I haven’t watched Thin. I ordered it from Netflix after it became available, but it sat unopened for two weeks before I asked my husband to send it back. It’s now been years into my eating disorder recovery and I still don’t have the emotional fortitude to watch it. I do have Greenfield’s book, from which Polly’s story below is derived. Some of her story is also available online.

Polly came to Renfrew after a suicide attempt over two slices of pizza. She began counting calories and fat grams by the age of 11. She had diet pills packed in her lunch in elementary school. When she was 10, her mother and aunt paid her $100 each to lose 10 pounds.

“The message was, when you’re thin, you’re prettier. You’ll get boyfriends faster. You’ll get married faster.

I was not perfect at anything. And then I found dieting, and I could be perfect at that. I remember thinking, This is something I’m good at.”

Polly said she was bulimic throughout her teenage years. In her late teens, she was raped by an abusive boyfriend, a man who constantly told her she was fat. After graduating college, she went on a seven-year diet that consisted of eating as little as possible. She abused laxatives. She developed heart problems from purging.

“The doctors said that every time I purged, I was risking a heart attack. I ignored them, because I was at that point where I was like, Maybe this will be the time it’ll all be over. And I was okay with that.”

Polly made this collage at Renfrew. Click to see a larger-resolution image.

Polly Williams collage

Polly was later asked to leave Renfrew for violating the center’s rules. She moved to a new city, where she resumed medical treatment. She followed her lifelong dream to pursue a passion in photography. But it appears as if she didn’t have a lot of support from some family members who lacked even a basic understanding of the nature or severity of Polly’s disorder.

“My mother is still very much into dieting. A week ago, she was telling me that she was gonna make a lifestyle change. It was not gonna be a diet, it was gonna be a lifestyle change. And she said, ‘I’m so fat.’ And she said, ‘I’m going to call you every day and tell you what I had to eat. And you tell me if I did good or if I did bad and how many calories I had and how many fat grams.”

Polly went on to become a lobbyist for the National Eating Disorders Association. Two months into her treatment at Renfrew, she got the association’s red and purple symbol tattooed on her hip. I don’t know if her eating disorder continued or if it worsened or alleviated.

On her blog, Polly expressed deep sadness and anguish, seemingly connected to a diagnosis of radial nerve palsy that had left one of her hands paralyzed. But in recent posts, she appeared both excited about physical therapy and the direction her life was headed in. She also seemed to take great comfort in her online community of friends. In a blog entry dated Jan. 5, Polly wrote:

“And yes, I have gone to sleep many nights wishing never to open my eyes again. I still have those nights. I still have so many days where I just cry over and over again. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I see a long dark empty path; however, I know that I can come here, if nowhere else, when things appear hopeless to this one safe place and find solace.”

Polly Ann Williams died Feb. 8 at her home in Hixson, Tennessee. She was 33.

It’s unclear as to the exact cause of Polly’s death. On her blog, it’s been suggested she overdosed. Another blogger who says she is a friend of Polly’s wrote that it was a combination of emotional and mental issues that may have contributed to her death. Whether Polly did or did not commit suicide is irrelevant. A promising life has been forever lost.

Concluding her feature in Greenfield’s book, Polly wrote these inspiring words. Now, after her death, the optimistic hopes ring hollow, a sad monument to a life that could have been.

“I have spent my entire life trying to live up to expectations that other people had set for me. I’m learning to live in the present. I would love to one day be married and have a family. If it happens, that would be nice. And if it doesn’t, I’m okay with that, too. I just want to be happy. Before, when I was really sick with anorexia, I didn’t think I had anything worth living for. But now I’ve got too much I still want to do. I look forward to the rest of my life.”

May Polly finally find the peace that has eluded her in life. May her family and friends find the strength to forge ahead. May Polly’s legacy inspire others struggling with an eating disorder or depression to step closer to the light.

For those who wish to make contributions in memory of Polly, the family suggests National Eating Disorders at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm and is filed under Eating Disorders. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

There are currently 35 responses to “In memory of Polly Ann Williams”

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  1. 1 On February 12th, 2008, MaritziaNo Gravatar said:

    I did see this documentary, and it truly left me in tears. While her death is not unexpected after seeing her on the documentary, it is nonetheless tragic.

    When will our society learn not to push people to extremes? Because this isn’t a personal failing, it’s a societal one.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 2:43 pm

  2. 2 On February 12th, 2008, BigLibertyNo Gravatar said:

    This is very sad. Thanks so much to Rachel for taking time out of her busy schedule and posting about it.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 3:05 pm

  3. 3 On February 12th, 2008, mccxxiiiNo Gravatar said:

    You know what’s incredibly horrid and frustrating? … When I read this, intellectually I understood what a sad, horrible story it was, but a little part of me was still thinking, “well, i don’t feel *too* sorry for her, because at least she got to be thin before she died and i know i never will.”

    I’m not proud of that, but there it is.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 3:06 pm

  4. 4 On February 12th, 2008, CindyNo Gravatar said:

    I interviewed Lauren Greenfield about this project, and when she lectured at a local university, I told the weight loss group support group I lead (they have been listening to my HAES rhetoric for two years now, but they have no idea I’m leaving the group for good next month) we were taking a field trip to see her. Everyone but myself and one other person bailed.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 3:24 pm

  5. 5 On February 12th, 2008, ClaireNo Gravatar said:

    I was taken aback by this news–it hit me hard. I am also struck by Polly’s consistent expressions of hopefulness. It is my hope that her words, although they did not come to fruition in her own life, will be richly fulfilled in the lives of those who still seek recovery. She spoke of finding the courage to ask for help. It is tragic that the help she received was not enough to bring her back to health. But I take comfort in knowing that her honesty and strength will no doubt lead others in that positive direction.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 3:29 pm

  6. 6 On February 12th, 2008, palmtreechickNo Gravatar said:

    Polly had many medical (physical) conditions unrelated to her eating disorder over the past year. It was one thing after another for that poor girl.

    You’re right, how Polly died is irrelevant, which is why I have not answered that question when asked by fellow bloggers. I know the answer, but it’s not important. What’s important is remembering the great, fun-loving, caring person that she was.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 3:40 pm

  7. 7 On February 12th, 2008, emmy.No Gravatar said:

    that was a beautifully written blog about polly. much more elegant than what i wrote about her. thank you for sharing all of that.

    i wish i’d had the chance to know her personally. she sounds like such an incredible, beautiful person. i can only hope that she can finally be at peace with herself now.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 4:17 pm

  8. 8 On February 12th, 2008, corinnaNo Gravatar said:

    Thank you Rachel for letting us know about this. I am sitting here at my desk just bawling my eyes out.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 4:44 pm

  9. 9 On February 12th, 2008, KatieNo Gravatar said:

    Oh wow, that is so sad. I watched Thin and I felt so hard for Polly - I was really hoping she’d come through this. I agree that the way she died is not important - it’s a sad loss, and I hope her family and friends have the support they need.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 8:12 pm

  10. 10 On February 12th, 2008, palmtreechickNo Gravatar said:

    Hey! I just wanted to clear something up in your post. I never said that Polly committed suicide. I said that she had a lot of medical problems leading up to her death.

    I just don’t want it to be misconstrued.

    Editor’s Note: Fixed and reworded.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 8:22 pm

  11. 11 On February 12th, 2008, deniseNo Gravatar said:

    Rachel, thank you for this moving tribute to a woman who may have died but has left a powerful legacy. Hopefully her story will inspire others to seek the help they need to reclaim their emotional and physical health.

    posted on February 12th, 2008 at 11:28 pm

  12. 12 On February 13th, 2008, DedeNo Gravatar said:

    I have known Polly and her family for many years. They are a wonderful family and I will only remember Polly for her laughter. She had the deepest voice with the heartiest laugh. She will forever be missed. There will always be an empty spot for her in the middle of her three sisters. My heart is broken for Polly and her family.

    posted on February 13th, 2008 at 12:48 pm

  13. 13 On February 13th, 2008, ElisaNo Gravatar said:

    This is so tragic. I’m so glad that you stopped to write about it. It brought tears to my eyes.

    posted on February 13th, 2008 at 5:27 pm

  14. 14 On February 13th, 2008, Mary SueNo Gravatar said:

    May she rest in peace and rise in Glory, and may her loved ones be comforted in their grief.

    posted on February 13th, 2008 at 5:36 pm

  15. 15 On February 13th, 2008, gina MansfieldNo Gravatar said:

    This story has really hit home with me,, I had a bulimic problem at a very young age, I am much better but this makes me realize how these disorders are real and how many people are affected by them ,, May you rest in Peace…

    posted on February 13th, 2008 at 8:32 pm

  16. 16 On February 13th, 2008, PeaceNo Gravatar said:

    I want everyone to know that I have know Polly and her family since I was a kid. I know her mother very well and she is a great woman. YOu mention that her mother and aunt said they would give her $100 to loose 100 lbs. I am not sure there is anything wrong with this. In a country that has the highest obesity in children in the world, we are constantly pushing them to have a lifestyle change. This is no different than pushing them in their goals. We give our children goals for their health. That is a lot of times modivated with gifts, money, etc… May she rest in peace.

    posted on February 13th, 2008 at 11:12 pm

  17. 17 On February 14th, 2008, RachelNo Gravatar said:
    Peace - It was $100 to lose 10 - not 100 - pounds. And the girl hadn’t even hit puberty. I can gain and lose five pounds the week of my period, to give you an idea of just how inconsequential 10 pounds really is. You don’t see anything wrong with encouraging self-hatred in children? Gee, no wonder we have such a rise in eating disorders.

    posted on February 14th, 2008 at 9:58 am

  18. 18 On February 14th, 2008, Polly's sisterNo Gravatar said:

    To the original creator of this Blog, thank you. It was a beautiful tribute to Polly. The last year of Polly’s life had been filled with physical hardships unrelated to the ED, the tragedy of death, and shattered dreams. Along with all those events, she daily struggled to beat the demon of an eating disorder. Daily she would put on a “happy face” and fake it as best she could because she so wanted to reach that point of recovery. The combination of her ED and the events over the last year were way too much for her sweet heart to take. She has now received the ultimate healing by her Lord Jesus Christ and has been given a new a perfect body for eternity.

    posted on February 14th, 2008 at 11:21 am

  19. 19 On February 14th, 2008, 334455No Gravatar said:

    For someone that has struggled with eating disorders for over 20 years, I am overcome with emotion about Polly and her struggles. We may never know how she passed, but I saw some of myself in her when I saw “Thin”, and now I am increasingly aware of how short life can be. I will try to take better care of myself. She would want to know that she made a positive difference in someone else.

    posted on February 14th, 2008 at 4:15 pm

  20. 20 On February 16th, 2008, KatNo Gravatar said:

    When people are seeking treatment for such disorders, it is always shocking to me that any part of that treatment should include or involve treating those suffering the illness as children. This must only serve to make somebody feel that they have no control over thier lives or bodys. Kicking somebody out of life saving treatment is a shameful disgrace on any level.
    Sweet Polly.. needed help… not ridicule and should never have been banished from the Renfrew Center for making the mistake of trying to help another, also being treated as a child. When will this world learn empathy?? Compassion ?? Sensativity ???
    The world has yet to understand or comprehend the devistating loss of Polly Ann Williams, but I assure you in the very near future Polly’s sudden death and loss shall be felt by all. We have all lost Polly, but God has gained an angel.

    posted on February 16th, 2008 at 2:40 am

  21. 21 On February 16th, 2008, KatNo Gravatar said:

    ” mccxxiii ”
    That is about the saddest statement I have ever had the misfortune of reading..

    Envy is a green eyed monster..

    Polly would NOT have wished ” the price she has paid ” to be THIN on anybody. Pollys struggles and health issues were many.. The loss of her life.. devistatingly FINAL.
    Perhaps you should learn to love yourself for who you are instead of what you look like.
    To really do something positive and special, start spreading that message to our younger generations so that they may also learn to love themselves for who they are and not how they look as well.

    In future..be careful what you wish for.. you just might get it.

    posted on February 16th, 2008 at 2:51 am

  22. 22 On February 16th, 2008, spacedcowgirlNo Gravatar said:

    I feel ill after reading comment #16. So many young women live every day of their lives loathing themselves and in the grip of terrible diseases, and all we can think about it is “Well, I guess it’s not so bad as long as they get thin.” What kind of world do we live in?

    I was saddened to learn about the death of such a young woman. May she rest in peace.

    posted on February 16th, 2008 at 2:41 pm

  23. 23 On February 18th, 2008, debraNo Gravatar said:

    I am truly saddned by the passing of Polly I did see Thin, she was amazing. My own child died from the same disorder , I know the pain they feel. I watched and felt it also. Bless her family as they start the grieving process and please for those who have an ED pls seek help.

    You dont have to die from this illness……

    posted on February 18th, 2008 at 9:28 am

  24. 24 On February 18th, 2008, zombie zNo Gravatar said:

    Agree with spacedcowgirl at 22…

    Thanks for writing about this. I’m feeling rather speechless at the moment. My thoughts are with Polly’s family but Polly most of all.

    posted on February 18th, 2008 at 1:37 pm

  25. 25 On February 18th, 2008, KatNo Gravatar said:

    How sad is it that a child goal in life should simply be to survive?? As I have said, where is our empathy, compassion, love, kindness ?? Why have we become to callous and heartless to the needs of others??
    In some sad and meaninful way I feel that even I somehow failed Polly Williams. I am unsure this is something I can ever let go of. It is such a terrible horrible loss and tragedy. I believe Polly was one of the greatest thinkers of our time. she had much to offer and share and now.. she is silenced..

    posted on February 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm

  26. 26 On February 22nd, 2008, DianeNo Gravatar said:

    I’ll always remember Polly for her genuine friendliness and deep caring she had for other people. I was one of probably a zillion customers at her portrait studio who loved her (and asked for her). She was not only a wonderfully creative photographer who put her heart in every one of the photo’s she took, and manager who always kept the studio running well, but also a lover of all the portrait studio children and their parents. She was also very much loved by us. In fact,I saw many customers share wallet-sized pictures from their sitting with her because Polly wanted a remembrance of every special little portrait model who came to see her and she kept a book full of them at home. I am so thankful for my photo album full of pictures taken from her studio, so many done by her. Her fingerprints are not only all over my album, but she has forever touched my soul. I mistakingly thought Polly would be there forever (at the studio) but I was wrong. I will sorely miss Polly Ann Williams.

    posted on February 22nd, 2008 at 12:43 pm

  27. 27 On February 28th, 2008, amanda cummingsNo Gravatar said:

    I would like to start out by saying how dearly i miss my friend . I got the privilege to be her hairstylist for the past year and half. I remember her coming in and taking off her hat and saying ” well what do you think”, her hair was the brightest hot pink, I said “it was beautiful it would’nt look good on anybody but you.”
    I will remember our talks day and night at work about her struggle with her sickness and everyday life. Still knowing this year how much she was sick, she still had so much hope in her eyes to live. I still look for her as i pass the potrait studio. She will always be remembered by me as the butterfly who is beautiful and free. May she always fly high over her friends and family with beautiful bright colors.

    posted on February 28th, 2008 at 11:18 pm

  28. 28 On February 29th, 2008, samanthaNo Gravatar said:

    I watched that a show as a thinspo sooo many times i loved polly…. in fact hearing taht she died really did bring me closer to the light… i realized im a depressed mess. i dont eat i cut i wanna die… im gonna change for good. no matter how many times ive said this i promise i will…

    posted on February 29th, 2008 at 10:07 pm

  29. 29 On March 1st, 2008, KaraNo Gravatar said:

    I was shocked to learn the news of Polly’s heartbreaking passing. I have seen Thin several times, and Polly seemed always to be the one who would make it in recovery. Although I myself had been in recovery for quite a while when I saw the documentary the first time, I had struggled with eating disorders for about 7 years when I was younger. I am studying/working in a highly competitive field now where looks determine whether or not you get the job. I had recently been feeling tempted to fall back into my old habits to get thinner quicker, but learning of Polly’s death reminded me of the horrors that come with living that way. Although her death was tragic and so very sad, I hope that Polly and her family can believe that at least she hasn’t died in vain, if nothing else she has stopped one person - me - from falling back into the struggles she lived and died with. So rest in peace, Polly, and thank you.

    posted on March 1st, 2008 at 3:25 pm

  30. 30 On March 12th, 2008, Andy CoronaNo Gravatar said:

    Men, particularly white men, use this ploy as a way of control, even though they may be big and gross, their wives and girlfriends better fit the mold, it’s a sad state, women who are insecure, or who already have body image problems, (who dosen’t)I think white men feel emasculated and this is the only way they can control us anymore, and it’s so sad, and here is a woman who felt so belittled that she ended up killing herself because of what some white man, who probably wasn’t very endowed, and felt that he couldn’t control her, so he invented this weight problem that he could hold over her head, so sad that more white girls can’t see this

    posted on March 12th, 2008 at 11:57 pm

  31. 31 On May 20th, 2008, The role of religion/spirituality in healing » The-F-Word.org said:

    [...] her suicide, she remains among the top ten search words leading people here to this site and my eulogy to her remains one of the most visited entries since I began the site last [...]

    posted on May 20th, 2008 at 2:53 pm

  32. 32 On June 9th, 2008, Hannah - a professional in the fieldNo Gravatar said:

    Reading the above entries, I am gaining a feel for how deep Polly’s pain truly was. An eating disorder is a symptom of much, much deaper struggles - it is not about food or weight. I hope that Polly’s deep wisdom will continue to inspire women who are struggling. Her life was meaningful, and will continue to be an inspiration.

    posted on June 9th, 2008 at 5:48 pm

  33. 33 On June 13th, 2008, HeatherNo Gravatar said:

    I have struggled with an eating disorder since the age of 13, Im now 20 and while I am currently maintaining a healthy weight, I struggle greatly each day with the disorder.

    Watching Thin made me realise that I am not alone. The documentary tells each patients story so well. It ends quite sadly but shows there can be hope for some.

    Polly’s death devastated me when I found out. May she rest in peace.

    posted on June 13th, 2008 at 5:40 am

  34. 34 On July 28th, 2008, MaxNo Gravatar said:

    I feel the same way Polly did-
    When will there be a way to help people like us?
    Renfrew should not have kicked her out for smoking- my ASS! I know they need to set boundaries but these are peoples lives, not 3 year old babies!! I dont know polly at all, but when I was at renfrew 3 times, and other places and I cant waIT to die-

    posted on July 28th, 2008 at 8:17 pm

  35. 35 On August 14th, 2008, VictoriaNo Gravatar said:

    Today made me think.
    It is not the first time I visited pages like this, and I have been to memorial sites once or twice.
    But it is only today that I am truly scared. Scared to not wake up tomorrow.
    I am a normal weight with a BMI of about 21 right now. I was underweight half a year ago, but people just started to stuff food into me and I let it happen.
    Not being able to get back to a (for me) acceptable shape, I started purgeing again.
    I know I do it too often. And I am so scared of cardiac arrest or electrolyte imbalance… I just don’t want to go to sleep right now.
    I don’t know why I am writing this, maybe as a monument that I do have these thoughts, and that they are right, cause tomorrow I might feel different.
    I do currently see a therapist. But I can’t speak the words - I want to recover.
    I can’t, because it sounds so final.
    Like there’s no chance of getting back. Back to what? To starving, vomiting, crying?
    Awesome.
    I wish I could just want to get well.

    posted on August 14th, 2008 at 6:47 pm

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