My Secret Police

9th January 2008

…Then I was reminded of the proprietor of a Vietnamese restaurant in Quebec who used to be head of the secret police in Da Nang - and it occurred to me I was thinking about all this stuff to keep from thinking about something else… Isn’t that just what secret police are all about?

‘Get Up Jonah’, Bruce Cockburn

November through, say, the end of January isn’t a good time to eating disordered recovering. Not that there ever is a good time, really, but these few months are especially trying. Just ask Meg, Charlynn or Megan.

The caveats on how to avoid “packing on the pounds” start before Thanksgiving and gather momentum as Christmas approaches before the many-headed hydra – the diet industry – and scores of self-appointed food police and obesity doomsayers unleash full frenzy just before and for weeks after New Year’s.

I haven’t been blogging with my usual de rigeur lately and it hasn’t been entirely due the busyness of the holidays. I’ve had a relapse in my recovery throughout the last two months brought on primarily by extreme stress and a recurrence of depression, but also compounded by this full-scale assault waged by the weight-loss culture.

I just can’t seem to muster the energy to think even more and write about issues on food and weight.

I’m the classic overachiever and as an overachiever with ADD, I often tend to take on multiple projects I cannot ever realistically accomplish. Case in point: Trying to do full-time graduate school while continuing to work a professional career 40-plus hours a week.

I struggled throughout the quarter, but the last two weeks in November are what really triggered the disordered behaviors: I had to read 20 articles (about 300-plus pages); write 20 summary reviews; read three books; write two three-page reviews; and complete a 24-page comparative review of five dense books – and all of this while working my standard 40-hour work week.

Somehow I managed to do all of it – and well. But it came at a price.

I hardly slept. Dark circles ringed my eyes. My nails were bitten to bloody nubs. I should mention that I had also gone off my depression medication several weeks prior (under a doctor’s supervision).

So, it should have really come as little surprise when I found myself once again counting calories; purging (without binging) after meals, sometimes several times a day all the while desperately hoping my husband wouldn’t find out; and mentally berating myself.

I don’t believe there is such a thing as eating disordered recovered. No, an eating disorder does not have to be a lifelong shackle, but the disorder is always there, even if it lies dormant. What being eating disordered recovering means is that you come to recognize the triggers that can cause you to revert back into disordered behaviors and work to find alternative and more constructive means to confronting and managing these forces outside of food and weight.

My relapse was a direct result of extreme stress and depression and even though I rationally understood this even at the beginning of the relapse, emotionally I reverted back to what once was a familiar coping mechanism. The worst of the behaviors stopped almost immediately after grades came out and I’ve since gotten a handle on the rest.

What I have come to accept about recovery is that I cannot always control the urge to fall back into disordered behaviors. But I can, to a large degree, control those forces in my environment that leave me susceptible to setbacks. This quarter, I’ve slashed my graduate workload by half. I’m placing a priority on getting enough sleep and carving out time to exercise. And, I’ve resumed medication for depression.

My disorder may always lie just beneath the surface, but recovery has given me the experience, knowledge and know-how to better combat it.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 9th, 2008 at 11:48 am and is filed under Eating Disorders, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 On January 9th, 2008, AndreaC

said:

Hey, good for you for catching yourself! I hope you feel better.

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 1:06 pm

2 On January 9th, 2008, OTM

Rachel, you are awesome. I’m glad that you’re taking care of yourself!

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm

3 On January 9th, 2008, d

For how long have you been anorexic/ bulimic?

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 2:10 pm

4 On January 9th, 2008, Jeanne

Bravissima!!

(I’m still working on getting myself back on track after a slip in my recovery.)

Rock on, Rachel!

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 2:15 pm

5 On January 9th, 2008, Patsy Nevins

I have never had an eating disorder (though I had to read several books such as “Overcoming Overeating” to understand that & accept that it is possible to be fat & have normal eating habits), but I do know that the holiday season is very hard for many of us, for a variety of reasons. I have a lot of emotional reasons based on past abuse, etc., as I expect many others do. I am very sorry, Rachel, for you & others like you for whom the season triggers a lot of serious issues. I wish you all well The most important thing we can do is take care of ourselves.

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 3:44 pm

6 On January 9th, 2008, celsou

Hey, I feel you. I don’t have an eating disorder but I’ve always been on diets. Lately I’ve been doing the intuitive eating thing and I really have to catch myself when old patterns creep back. Stress is definitely a trigger in my case.
The only advice I can give you is to take it easy on yourself( I’m also an overachiever:).
(((((((hugs))))))))

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 3:54 pm

7 On January 9th, 2008, Faith

It’s really, really hard at this time of the year. I’m having trouble also. I feel like whether I turn on the TV, computer, radio - every ad is telling me to diet, lose weight, etc. Not to mention, every time I speak to someone, they seem to have to tell me how they’re doing on their New Year’s resolution diet. I’ve been in recovery for a few years and January is a very triggering month.

I’m here Rachel and I’m working on recovery right beside you.

xo

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm

8 On January 9th, 2008, Rachel

Thanks for the supportive comments, everyone. I should also mention that I am quite fortunate to have a wonderful husband who is very caring and understanding and he has been an immense system of support for me. Unfortunately, not all who are ED recovering have such a therapeutic person in their life.

D: I was actively anorectic/bulimic for several years in my early twenties. I have been in recovery for the past three to four years.

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

9 On January 9th, 2008, Charlotte

I admire that you’re willing to share something so personal on the internet. I hope you bounce back soon.

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

10 On January 9th, 2008, Meowser

Wow, Rachel. I’m amazed you were able to handle a workload like that, and kick ass blogging to boot, for as long as you did; I would have been toast after a week. Do take care of yourself. Props for the Bruce Cockburn reference, he rules!

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 4:46 pm

11 On January 9th, 2008, Rachel

Could it be? Another Bruce Cockburn fan? Wow, you’re like the fourth person I’ve ever met who even knows who he is!

I absolutely adore Bruce Cockburn; I listen to him almost exclusively. And, I’ve met him twice - yes, in person! I had my husband snap a photo the second time so I wouldn’t think I imagined it. Each time I appeared a babbling idiot, I’m sure.

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 4:50 pm

12 On January 9th, 2008, MrsDrC

Thank you for sharing this with us, and everything that you share with us. I personally have found a lot of strength here, on many of the sites you link to.

I have never felt the pain of an eating disorder, but like so many have often in the corner of my mind wished to.

I’m kinda new to wanting to be active in fighting the fat phoebia, and this site, this blog, you are in no small way why I’m speaking my mind more. Take strength from you loyal readers, as they take courage from you.

Never hide from you amazing partner. He is there for you in good and bad. To truely give him all the good you must let him stand by you in the bad.

{{HUGE HUGS!}}

posted on January 9th, 2008 at 9:21 pm

13 On January 10th, 2008, Rachael Stern AKA TwistedBarbie

Hey Rachel,
Congratulations on having the ability to pick your self care back up and get back on track.

I do have to say, however, that I disagree with you on the recovery/recovered front.
I used to feel the way you do. However, the place I was inpatient is run by 95% recovered staff. I used to roll my eyes at the idea, but after 6 months of living around them, eating with them and knowing their personal stories, I agree… they ARE recovered. I believe that there are different levels of recovery, but recovered is one of them

posted on January 10th, 2008 at 1:52 am

14 On January 10th, 2008, Sarah

Dear Rachel,

I am so glad to hear that you are on the way out of this hole. Thank you for your honesty. We need to be able to acknowledge setbacks in our recovery; it isn’t a straight line and it can get messy. Setbacks and slips don’t neutralize all the good and positive work and achievements.

I believe that by sharing your experience, strength, and hope, you will have helped more people than you can imagine.

Take care

xoxo
Sarah

posted on January 10th, 2008 at 10:47 am

15 On January 10th, 2008, Charlynn

I’m really glad you opened up about this. People need to know that recovery is never a straight line, no matter how long you’ve been working on it. I hope this month is treating you better than the last.

posted on January 10th, 2008 at 6:46 pm

16 On January 11th, 2008, Rachel

I believe that there are different levels of recovery, but recovered is one of them.

I think you and I might have a different definition of what constitutes “recovered.” To me, the word implies that one is “cured” of their eating disorder. I don’t believe there is a cure for an eating disorder, and I believe everyone recovering from an eating disorder is always in an active state of recovery - some may just be at higher planes of recovering than others.

posted on January 11th, 2008 at 10:25 am

17 On January 11th, 2008, Rachael Stern AKA TwistedBarbie

I suppose….
I mean, I think that if your past ED doesnt even occur to you as something to do… as a reaction… as anything…
then thats recovered…

Regardless, we are all in a journey towards out best selves… and that is what matters

posted on January 11th, 2008 at 7:22 pm