A letter to Dan Savage

21st November 2007

posted in Fat Bias, Feminist Topics, Pop Culture |

Dear Dan,

It’s been a couple years now since my husband turned me on to your deliciously clever and sarcastic column. It was, I thought, the beginning of a long and loyal writer/reader relationship. I remember happy times sipping steamed soy milk while browsing through your books at Barnes & Noble… those moments of laughter as I knocked off work to read your columns… the giggles elicited by the very mention of the name Rick Santorum.

Earlier this year, I wrote you to let you know that thanks to a mention in one of your columns, my husband and I asked that, in lieu of wedding gifts, donations be made to Freedom to Marry, an organization that advocates for gay marriage. As a fat woman, I know what it’s like to be marginalized and discriminated against, Dan, and I wanted to let you know I am with you 100 percent in the fight against inequality.

In July, I raised a pudgy hand in protest with you, as you lambasted a man for internalizing and projecting fat-hatred prejudices. I paid no attention to those Negative Nancy’s who pointed out that you usually hate on the big girls. Oh no, not my Dan, I insisted. See? He says fat women are intelligent, sexually desirable, and worthy of love.

But you failed me, Dan, and you failed me big-time. Reading your column today, I was disgusted to see you reaffirm spousal weight-gain to be a reason worth ending a marriage over. Where was the lecture about internalizing fat hatred prejudices? Why didn’t you rightfully call this man, as with the other fat-hating writer, a “cowardly, hateful piece of shit.”

Did you ever stop to consider, Dan, that the only reason HARD’s wife has remained thin until now is due to a vicious cycle of self-defeating dieting and/or disordered behavior? Oh, that’s right. You didn’t pick up on HARD’s mention of his wife’s disordered relationship with food, at all; a relationship HARD admittedly exacerbates by acting like a prick.

Dan, why didn’t you tell HARD to put down the bong and stop acting like a douche to his wife? And what’s with the use of fat-cliches? C’mon, I thought you were a writer, not a regurgitater of trite jargon

Honesty and open communication are important, Dan. You’re right, there. But relationships are about much more than just sex. Just because you can’t get it up for a partner doesn’t mean you should up and leave them, instead.

If HARD’s wife had been disfigured in an accident or by disease, would you advise him to give her an ultimatum to have plastic surgery? Dan, what if HARD doesn’t find old women attractive? Should he leave his wife at the first sight of sagging boobs and a wrinkly neck?

I’m disappointed, Dan. I really am. It hurts me to say this, but I’m not entirely sure I want to continue our reader/writer relationship, anymore. You see, I’m recovering from decades of poor self-esteem and years of an eating disorder in which I severely harmed myself trying desperately to meet the physical expectations of others. I fear our relationship has become too toxic.

I wish you the best Dan, and I hope your husband never leaves you because he doesn’t find superficial things like hair-loss, weight-gain, or old-age to be unattractive.

Warmest regards,

Rachel

P.S. On second thought, maybe HARD ought to leave his wife. She deserves better.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 21st, 2007 at 4:16 pm and is filed under Fat Bias, Feminist Topics, Pop Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

1 On November 21st, 2007, Willamina

said:

Reading that column brought up a lot of my biggest fears. Ugh. The sad thing is that I have these fears even though my boyfriend is nothing like the guy who wrote in.

Also: why must the phrase “taking care of yourself” always, *always* be code for “staying and/or getting thin.” Meh. And “letting yourself go” always means gaining weight. I think “letting yourself go” should be code for “becoming a total asshat.” Or better yet, let’s do away with the euphemisms altogether.

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 5:03 pm

2 On November 21st, 2007, Eve

THANK YOU. I had the exact same reaction when I read the column.

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 5:30 pm

3 On November 21st, 2007, Anne

Dan needed to read between the lines. “Hard” was looking for an excuse to leave. He says he’s “hawt” and men and women everywhere want to sleep with him. His wife’s weight is not the issue. It’s the excuse.

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 5:35 pm

4 On November 21st, 2007, Krista

My boyfriend read this to me while we were driving today (In a you’ve got to be shitting me way- I love that man) and the first thing I picked up is that the wife sounds like she might have a medical issue going on. My next comment is that Hard did not define what he thought was “crap”, and if she was having digestive issues, it may be all she can eat right now.

And the next thing is that, if my husband sat me down for that talk that Mr. Savage recommended, at this point in my journey he would end up with a broken nose, and me walking away saying, fine, you are no longer attractive to me, you mutant freak.

And I am a pacifist (So probably that is only wishful thinking)

And the last sentence- “waddle away” made me mentally and almost throw a perfectly good in every other way copy of the “New Times” out the window. I may have to write a letter to them, but I am sure that is wishful thinking, since I am up to my ears in papers for school.

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 6:19 pm

5 On November 21st, 2007, Meowser

I am convinced Dan Savage does not want any fat readers. Hence, I am happy to oblige him.

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 7:19 pm

6 On November 21st, 2007, sweet machine

the first thing I picked up is that the wife sounds like she might have a medical issue going on. My next comment is that Hard did not define what he thought was “crap”, and if she was having digestive issues, it may be all she can eat right now.

Krista, that was my exact thought, too. But dear god, we can’t let compassion and medical treatment get in the way of shaming fat people!

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 8:03 pm

7 On November 21st, 2007, MrsDrC

NO, NO, NO!

How could Dan do this?! I’m completely ashamed of him.

posted on November 21st, 2007 at 11:18 pm

8 On November 22nd, 2007, wellroundedtype2

Thanks so much for sending this letter and posting it here.

posted on November 22nd, 2007 at 12:08 am

9 On November 22nd, 2007, Sarah

Thanks for reminding me why I never cared for Savage or the warped mentality he has towards fat people.

posted on November 22nd, 2007 at 12:22 am

10 On November 23rd, 2007, Quiwi

Yeah, just like someone else mentioned, “HARD” was desperately scrounging up support and justification for turning into an open, upturned ass. And Dan Savage gave him just that, complete with the “total honesty” package. And didn’t the man say that his wife tended to “eat more when things aren’t going well for us”? If Dan actually took the time to actually read that part, he might have noticed that his Sit Down and Tell Your Wife She’s Disgusting advice may just trigger whatever issues she may have, including insecurity!
This reeks of the same old asinine theory: mortify a fat person–>they will lose weight.(Results not typical.) Eating disorders, lowered self-perceptions, eating as self-gratification, dieting as self-destructive be damned.

posted on November 23rd, 2007 at 9:05 am

11 On November 23rd, 2007, Rachel

HARD starts out his letter as such: “We’ve been married 10 years. Young punk-rock love turned into adult debt-ridden love.”

So, he married the fantasy, and now that reality has hit, he wants to jump the marriage ship. It sounds as if they have far more problems than just her weight-gain, and that he’s just using it as an excuse to leave.

posted on November 23rd, 2007 at 10:53 am

12 On November 27th, 2007, Cindy

I read this column last week. I like to think I’m a confident, fashion-forward chubby woman, but calls for “honesty” like Dan’s take me back to the days when my grandmother would make an example of a fat woman in a public place. Her point was to punish the fat woman and threaten me with emotional abandonment if I ever embarassed her by being fatter than I was.

I usually like Dan Savage. But how could any gay man think that humiliation (in the guise of honesty — “my dick is flat because, well, baby, you’re ugly now!” — is a legitimate relational strategy. It IS humiliation to tell a spouse that your love is a condition of their weight, skin condition, etc. As much humiliation as gay men have born in their time, you’d think the practice would be repugnant to them.

Anyway, I told my spouse about his column and told her if this ever happened to her, please leave me without the honesty. She’d humiliate me and make it hard for me to get close to anyone after her.

And by the way, I do lace up my shoes and run. I do yoga. I’m still not thin.

posted on November 27th, 2007 at 3:29 pm

13 On November 27th, 2007, Tari

Sometimes I like what Dan has to say, but I have to agree that this round is a crock. Reminds me of that bullshit “Boston Legal” episode recently, as if somehow “tough love” will suddenly make fat people thin.

Why do people think shame ever works to change behavior?? IT DOESN’T! If it did, America would have no porn.

posted on November 27th, 2007 at 5:13 pm

14 On November 27th, 2007, Fillyjonk

Shorter Dan Savage: “Say whatever you want, it’s not like fat people have FEELINGS.”

posted on November 27th, 2007 at 5:37 pm

15 On November 28th, 2007, Rachel

This was on Dan’s columns today:

“Coming next week: What the fuck was I thinking? In last week’s column, I told Hawt And Royally Depressed to be honest with his wife. She’d put on a few pounds—a few dozen—and he wasn’t feeling it anymore. Some readers felt my suggested opening lines—”You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?” “You are out of shape and it’s killing our relationship.” “Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I’m going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you.”—weren’t helpful. Rereading my advice now, I have to agree: That’s terrible advice. We’ll have a full accounting in next week’s column. recommended”

posted on November 28th, 2007 at 5:18 pm

16 On December 2nd, 2007, Stone

I have to say, I found this post after the uproar over Savage’s column, which I love, and while his choice of words is unfortunate, I think you might be overreacting.

That guy seemed like he was genuinely struggling with his loss of attraction to his wife, not like he was looking for an excuse to leave. If he were looking to jump ship, I doubt he would really need the permission of a syndicated columnist he’d never met. Physical attraction isn’t something that’s rational, after all, and if he found himself no longer lusting for his wife because of significant weight gain, that’s a legitimate problem. He can’t force himself to be attracted to her.

I understand that relationships aren’t all about sex, but they are at least partially about it. I think most of us would agree that a marriage with zero sex sounds unsatisfying. In fact, they have a word for people who enjoy one another’s company but aren’t physically intimate: friends. While I think a man should be friends with his wife, he should also want to have sex with her. If he’s keeping himself in shape, I believe he has a right to ask her to do the same thing. Would you rather he said nothing to her about his concern and just pretend that everything was fine? Obviously there’s no easy fix, but talking to her about it (without being mean or threatening) sounds like a good start.

It sounds like everyone on here (and clearly the response triggered something in a lot of people, hence the promise to revisit the topic) is upset at HARD for having a problem with his wife’s weight gain, but I thought he seemed sincere. If I were in his shoes, I’d probably feel the same way.

posted on December 2nd, 2007 at 9:54 pm

17 On December 2nd, 2007, Rachel

Stone: Have you ever been in a serious relationship? If you have, then you might agree that when confronted with a relationship issue, perhaps your first thought shouldn’t be of your dick and your satisfaction, but of what your partner is feeling and how you can make him/her happy.

I genuinely think HARD loves his wife and is wrestling with these feelings. But, Dan ignores subtle cues that perhaps weight might not be the all-consuming issue at-hand. Let’s revisit his letter:

We’ve been married 10 years. Young punk-rock love turned into adult debt-ridden love. She’s been there for me, helps me achieve my goals, all that. But she’s let herself go, while I’ve gotten myself into better shape.

It sounds as if HARD married the fantasy, and is now having trouble reconciling the reality. Financial troubles are often more of a relationship-buster than one’s weight and sexual gratification. Yet, Dan doesn’t even pick up on the “debt-ridden” aspect of HARD’s marriage.

Let’s read on:

My wife’s skin is a mess, she has dietary issues that cause gnarly gas, she eats bad food that causes her to gain weight.

It sounds as if there is a very real, physiological problem at play here, yet neither HARD nor Dan are concerned to discover its roots. HARD just assumes his wife has “let herself go.” If my husband suddenly developed skin problems and dietary issues, I’d be the first one making a doctor’s appointment for him, not urging him to lose weight for my own sexual gratification.

And the fact is, people gain weight as they age. It’s a fact of life. Our metabolisms, and yes even our sex drives, slow down as we get older. Would HARD’s wife then be justified in ending a marriage simply because HARD began to lose his hair? What if she doesn’t find balding men to be sexually attractive?

As a culture, we seem to think that weight gain is always a matter of “choice.” If that were true, we’d all be a nation of thin people.

Reading on…

‘ve started stoning to dull the fact that I’m hating on myself for not being hot for my wife. She’s picking up on all of this, which is affecting her mood, self-esteem, and energy levels. And since she tends to eat more when things aren’t going well for us, this is creating a hugely negative feedback loop on the weight-and-lust fronts.

Instead of examining ways he can help improve both his wife’s mental and physical health, HARD only makes the situation worse. Plus, it sounds as if HARD’s wife has disordered thinking about food, and perhaps even an eating disorder to some degree. Sitting his wife down and telling her “You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?” is certainly not the most constructive advice Dan’s ever given, and will probably only make the situation that much worse.

HARD doesn’t seem like a horrid, wretched person, but I was struck at how he seems to think only of himself and his own sexual gratification over the health and wellbeing of his wife. And Dan’s flippant response only reaffirmed that HARD’s dick is the most important aspect of the relationship.

posted on December 2nd, 2007 at 10:50 pm

18 On December 3rd, 2007, Stone

I find it interesting that when a man broaches the topic of how sexual attraction effects his marriage, he’s suddenly thinking with his dick. That seems like an easy way to disarm the whole situation, but it’s not moving the discussion forward.

Instead of arguing whether we should be diagnosing people we hear about third-hand in advice columns with eating disorders they may or may not have, and instead of pointing out what a bad analogy the ‘what-if-he-went-bald’ scenario is (he has no control over his hair loss, so a better analogy might be, what if he gained a bunch of weight and she stayed fit?), instead I’ll just pose one question: is it fair to ask our partners to keep themselves in good shape for us if we’re doing the same for them?

Some weight gain comes with age, you’re right. But I think we can see that’s not what we’re talking about here. He says his wife eats badly, doesn’t exercise, and has gained a lot of weight, rendering her unattractive to him. So what advice would you give him, considering that complaint?

In answer to your question, I am in a serious relationship, a great one, and while it’s multi-faceted, we both realize that sex and sexual attraction is a part of it. We both watch what we eat and exercise together regularly. Not only does it keep us healthy, fit, and attractive to one another, it also helps keep our sex drives up. It’s a win-win, basically. If one of us stopped doing this and let ourselves go, I think the other would have cause to be upset.

posted on December 3rd, 2007 at 9:57 am

19 On December 3rd, 2007, Becky

he has no control over his hair loss

Why does it matter? If she found herself no longer lusting for her husband because of his significant hair loss, that’s a legitimate problem whether he controlled it or not. She can’t force herself to be attracted to him, right?

Or maybe there’s more to attraction than body type or hair? Even physical attraction?

So what advice would you give him, considering that complaint?

I would link him to this excellent post on the topic: “My Wife Isn’t Sexy Anymore” and What You Can Do About It

posted on December 3rd, 2007 at 10:50 am

20 On December 3rd, 2007, Rachel

Thanks, Becky

Stone - you still don’t seem to get the point. It sounds as if HARD is in a relationship - with his ego and his penis. I don’t have to suggest he’s thinking with his dick; his letter made that abundantly clear. The happiness and wellbeing of his wife seems to be of no importance in this relationship.

is it fair to ask our partners to keep themselves in good shape for us if we’re doing the same for them?

It is fair to expect our partners to keep themselves healthy; it is not fair to expect our partners to keep themselves thin. Yes, believe it or not, they two can be mutually exclusive.

But until you see past the propaganda that weight is always a matter of “choice” I don’t see where any gains can be had explaining the issue further.